@toomanyteens thanks for the additional information.
We had the same conflict. D was far away at college and had the end of year/finals looming. She missed her brothers graduation. We only had so much money and it couldn’t extend that far. Your H is well within his rights to tell his S that, sorry can’t do it.
Thanks for saying that your H is very upset about this situation. I’m glad you are both on the same page. United fronts are good. I personally think that this kid probably needs to learn his own lessons, painful as they can be.
I have a nephew like this. He has problems with doing more than one thing at a time. He applied for one job at a time. When that didn’t work out, he applied for one more. Applied to one graduate school. Applied to one phd program. He’s graduating from a masters program this year, as far as his parents know he hasn’t applied for any jobs yet. He’s still in school mode. Who knows what he’s going to do after this schooling is over, probably apply for one job at a time.
My opinion, don’t baby the kid. He makes his good or bad decision and you don’t have to keep supporting him after graduation. If he has loans, he can make the decision to pay them. It’s infuriating to see a kids waste his potential. And apparently he’s dragging his girlfriend into this.
Just support your H and if he has to make tough calls, support what he does. This parenting of adults is hard. Not for sissies.
As far as expensive dinners at graduation, as I like to tell my sil, it’s ok to say no. I would go to dinner but the one you can afford or want to do.
When my S graduated, every kid in his department had a job at graduation. (Engineering major and his was 2011, jobs were still hard to find). Except one kid who was taking time off to be a wilderness guide. From my S, he took time off and then easily found a job.
There were kids from Kids HS who worked at ski guides or wilderness guides, can’t remember which. I know the one kid went to graduate school after a few years and married a nice girl. I’m not sure what the other is doing but he’s a super smart kid and will find his way. Lots of kids take a few years to find there way, even engineers
“As far as expensive dinners at graduation, as I like to tell my sil, it’s ok to say no. I would go to dinner but the one you can afford or want to do.”
Yeah, my parents and one sister came to my college graduation and we went to a diner that night. A fancy dinner would have been a waste, given that I was crying all day because I was so sad to leave college.
Also my D who graduated the next year, didn’t have a job offer until the week before graduation. S didn’t have an offer until after spring break. They were looking and interviewing but did not have a job wrapped up until closer to graduation.
My friend’s daughter graduated from Colorado College. For a couple of years after graduation, she was on a ski patrol during the winter. In the summers, she was a whitewater rafting guide in Maine. She even became a registered Maine Guide, which is no easy feat. Now she has a job at one of the elite LA schools in Maine - she takes kids on fun trips! I’m sure her experience after college helped her get the job.
The more I think about this, it seems a big to do about not all that much. There is this discussion and assumption as if this young man is not going to seek out work after graduation. But the reality so far seems to ONLY be that he is going away during his spring break like MANY college students do!!! He has a job in his field currently (that may extend to full time after graduation) and who knows, but the current job may very well have agreed to his taking the vacation, with no repercussions. We don’t know that he is not currently job hunting. It is only February. Lots of seniors don’t have a job lined up yet post graduation! As long as you have told him that he has to support himself after he graduates (assuming that is your stance…it was ours), then things will work out. He will seek out a job of some sort. He will have a college degree. I think there are a lot of assumptions and discussions about his not seeking career work after he graduates when I only observe him taking a spring break vacation! Even if he did not go into career work immediately following graduation, and did a sort of “gap” job, that would not be so terrible either. It’s his life. You can take an interest in it and ask what sorts of jobs he is seeking and how he is going about it, without passing judgement.
Again, @toomanyteens, do you know if the employer actually had an issue with that? They knowingly hired a college student. If I hired a college student, I would understand the academic calendar. Perhaps they willingly work around it. Has your stepson explicitly stated that the employer was unhappy that he took breaks? If not, you are needlessly projecting IMO.
We don’t know that for sure, but when he was first hired he told us the employer was pleased he lived in an off campus apartment and could work during breaks (dorms close) and thus we expected that the employer expected him to be working.
Have you asked him directly? Seems like some communication is missing here. Maybe as the stepmother you might not be the ideal person (depending on your relationship) but his father sure can. Maybe a conversation without judgment and emotion will give a better understanding of his plans/help alleviate the concerns of you and your husband.
I am not sure @doschicos if his father asked him directly or not. He tends to be a really honest kid except when it comes to skiing – it is like an addiction for him. I have never seen anything quite like it.
I don’t think he’s alone in his loving of skiing. I’ve got one, too. I’m sure there is an adrenaline rush that kicks in that’s part of it. Mine does some high risk skiing so that’s a whole other thing I worry about - avalanches, injuries, etc. Those concerns aside, I’m happy my kid has a beloved activity that incorporates fresh air, exercise, companionship with likeminded friends, travel to beautiful places which has also developed a deep concern for our environment and conservation, allowed for meeting new and interesting people, allowed for fitness, an adventurous spirit, I could go on about the benefits.
As long as your stepson understands that he needs to be self-supporting post graduation, I think you should try not to worry and let him live his life on his terms. When you consider all angles of it, it seems like you and your husband are lucky - a bright kid that is finishing college with a marketable major, who has a relationship with a significant other, who has a strong relationship with his sister, who is healthy, who has a PT job while in college (something many can’t or won’t do), who seems happy. Seems like life is pretty good when you think about it that way, right? Try not to let your worries project into the future nor let your own values dictate what an acceptable path is for your stepson. That’s my 2 cents on the matter.
Last month you posted that you were having trouble deciding whether or not to invest more money in your eldest daughter’s education because she’s been in and out of several colleges and isn’t doing well academically. I’d be careful not to let your frustrations with her spill over into your relationship with your stepson.
He’s doing well in school and is set to graduate in a couple of months. You don’t seem to be borrowing to pay for his education, he’s paying for the skiing with his own money, and he’s not saying he intends to give up full-time work to live at a ski resort. In fact, all indications are that he intends to work somewhere in PA after he graduates. Why does the skiing bother you so much?
@austinmshauri He isn’t saying that YET lol… he actually has a friend that LEFT a lucrative career in engineering to live in a van and ski all the time oye. It bothers his father way more than it bothers me.
@doschicos he does the high risk stuff too and that worries his father to DEATH… he tends to be fairly reckless and over the winter break he had photos without his helmet on ugh. “I” told him to put his damn helmet on. As a mother (and he isn’t even my kid) that freaked me out!
