<p>I have a little personal dilemma. H and I were invited to our friend’s daughter’s wedding later this summer. We have known and loved this couple for over 20 years. Our kids enjoyed their kids’ company when we got together for various gatherings a few times each year. They are very laid back people, so much so that I remember always including their youngest son on our boys birthday party lists, but she was never ‘into’ parties so would rarely rsvp and never brought her son to one of our parties. I honestly never took offense as she sort of made that fact known and she is dear in many other ways. So I just stopped inviting her kids to our kid’s parties and all went well.</p>
<p>Fast forward to a few years ago when we were invited to their oldest son’s wedding, which we happily attended…in addition to the bridal shower and subsequent baby shower. So, assuming now that these ‘grown-up’ events were acceptable to her, I invited my friend to our daughter’s baby shower. She never responded or sent a gift, which admittedly did hurt my feelings. Then just a few weeks ago they were both invited to our son’s college graduation party, to which she sent an email the day before the party saying they couldn’t make it because they had a ‘crazy’ month. No gift was sent.</p>
<p>Now their daughter’s bridal shower is coming up soon and the wedding of course. I am undecided as to whether I should A) send a gift for the shower (we will be away) or B) attend/send a gift to the wedding.</p>
<p>I would love to hear opinions on how others would respond in this situation. I suppose I am torn because as much as I love them and their children, I’m starting to feel like this part of our friendship just isn’t working. To me, when you have close friends you WANT to share in their childrens’ joys and special events. If they feel casual about either not responding or sending gifts, then perhaps I should too??</p>
<p>It would not occur to me to weigh all of this stuff out. I’d either want to go to be with my friend and her family or not. Period. If not, I’d send a card and a gift. If so, I’d go. </p>
<p>I have a lot of friends spread out all over and all of us have been sporadic and careless in being vigilant about invitations and keeping in touch over the years as our kids have grown up and things just have gotten crazy. We are all forgiving of each other of that to a point where it just doesn’t matter. We see each other when we can, when the opportunity arises and if an invite turns out to be on a date someone can’t come, so be it. No explanation necessary. We catch each other when we can.</p>
<p>cpt: I truly have always viewed friendships as you describe: if i want to go and see my friends, I go and do not weigh things at ALL, and am just happy to see each other when we can.</p>
<p>I was really more curious to see if others view this aspect of a relationship as important. Drop the idea of inviting them to future events as they clearly are not interested? If we were home I was planning on attending the shower…but I sure could use the $$ that I might spend on a gift for our vacation! lol Just wondering if others would ponder that same notion considering the history…</p>
<p>If you will be away for the shower, no reason to send a gift unless you really want to, given the history. If you want to go to the wedding, go and bring a gift. If not, don’t go and don’t feel any obligation to send a gift.</p>
<p>I understand how their behavior would feel hurtful. I would probably feel the same way.</p>
<p>However, the question you need to ask yourself is - are you only attending these events because you feel obligated or do you truly want to be there? If you only attend because you feel you should, then don’t go and don’t send a gift. If you are there because you really want to attend, then go.</p>
<p>My husband is not very good about gift-giving. I find his behavior rather hurtful because gift-giving is one of my ‘love languages’. But when it come time to celebrate him, I usually buy him a gift and do something special because I truly want to - it’s my nature. Not doing so would feel like I was doing it out of spite. And on the few occasions when I really didn’t want to, I didn’t.</p>
<p>If there is give and take in other ways…emails, phone calls etc., enquiring about you and your family on a regular basis then I would accept her way of doing things and not be upset. If however it is all one sided then there is a possibility that the friendship means more to you than it does to her…in which case I would step back a bit and become more of an acquaintance…</p>
<p>This sounds like a “one way” relationship where the other person never makes time for others, but expects attendance at HER functions.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be friends with such a person…so, no, don’t go…and end the phony friendship…because that is what it is.</p>
<p>This friend sounds a lot like my sister. She loves to keep in touch with old friends, but has a terrible time management style. She never sends out Christmas cards, for instance, and probably never rsvps anywhere or sends out thank you cards or gifts although I know she’d like to. (I know she doesn’t send out thank you cards from personal experience , even when we make our kids send them out.) So, I think you have to do what’s right according to the way you do things and not decide to do something based on how your friend does it.</p>
<p>Don’t feel obligated to send a gift to the shower invitation, unless you’d like, but let them know you can’t come. Definitely go to the wedding (and rsvp and gift appropriately) b/c you can and b/c you even get a chance to catch up.</p>
<p>In the situation you described, I probably would skip the shower gift- but do send regrets about attending. Regarding the wedding–do you want to go? If so, attend, be gracious, and of course send a gift. If you truly would prefer not to attend, I’d send regrets to this as well, but I’d still send a gift and best wishes to the newlyweds. </p>
<p>We all have friends where the relationship is a bit unbalanced. There’s no reason to feel obligated to do more than you wish to do. If you’d rather use the money for your own family’s vacation, that seems reasonable to me.
But I would still make a point of rsvp-ing in a timely manner. No need to be rude.</p>
<p>Thanks for the comments. After thinking it through, I will not send a gift for the shower and, to be perfectly honest, could easily do without attending another wedding (especially on a Saturday in a resort area), so will graciously decline and send a gift. I truly feel they won’t mind one way or another so I don’t see it affecting the relationship one bit.</p>
<p>These are friends who we see 2 or 3 times a year for a casual dinner to catch up. We both truly love this couple and believe they feel the same, but they obviously don’t share our view on attending each others’ family affairs. It will actually make things even more casual which is fine by me! :)</p>
<p>Forget the mom - the gifts would be for the kid. If you think you’d like to give a gift to the kid then just go ahead and do it regardless of how the kid’s mom behaves. Gifts shouldn’t be an “in-kind” kind of thing IMO but I might have unique views on this. You don’t need to behave the same way as the mom’s behavior you don’t care for.</p>
<p>I don’t really get the bridal shower thing since that seems like just a gift-grubbing event but then, I’m a guy and have never been to one.</p>
<p>You might want to consider skipping the ceremony but sending a gift to the kid anyway since you ‘known and loved them for over 20 years’. It’s probably the last event like this anyway unless there are younger kids in that household yet to be married.</p>
<p>Edit - I see that’s what you’re doing - good conclusion!</p>
<p>The bridal shower isn’t necessarily primarily for gifts but an opportunity for the bride to be acknowledged as such by friends and family. I see it as one of the few rites of passage we have in this culture. ( providing you arent talking about multiple weddings)
I am not great about writing thank you’d or sending Xmas cards, I have drawerful but I often just can’t get it together. Thankfully my friends keep inviting me and sending cards anyway& ( I do give gifts)
If you want to participate do so but do what you are comfortable with not more and not less. Not participating when you would like to isn’t going to feel any better than feeling like you are forced to.</p>
<p>I think the conclusion you’ve come to in #10 is excellent.</p>
<p>Since we’re in a bridal thread in which the original question seems to have been answered, let me get your opinions about a situation a friend recently encountered. She has a friend who is divorced, and the ex-husband has remarried. The D is getting married, and invitations were sent out that state that the hosts are the ex-husband and his new wife only–no mention of the mother. The D claims this is the fault of the wedding planner. (An unlikely tale, IMHO, since this wedding planner is reportedly the leading one in their area.) Both of the ex-spouses are very wealthy, and both were willing to contribute significant $$ to the cost of the wedding and related events. The mother is outraged, and so is her entire side of the family. She is even thinking about not going to the wedding. </p>
<p>What do you think of this?</p>
<p>Consolation, that sounds outrageous to me and I would feel that way as the mom of the bride! Money aside, I think the invitations should state that the bride is the daughter of both her parents. Add in the fact that both sides are contributing to the expenses is another reason both parents’ names should be on the invitation. It sounds to me that this was NOT a mistake of the wedding planner because the bride and groom would have proofread the invitations before they were sent out. I would be very upset if I were the mom and would try to talk to my daughter about it, but I would not ever miss the wedding itself.</p>
<p>PS…you only said that both parents were WILLING to contribute to the cost of the wedding but it is not clear if perhaps just the dad and his wife are paying for and throwing the event. That may be the case. Even so, I think it is terrible that the names of both her parents are not on the invitation…either use both or none, particularly if the mom is involved in her daughter’s life.</p>
<p>^^If I were the mother of the bride, I would insist a corrected invitation be sent out or I wouldn’t be contributing to the wedding. Do you think the bride did it deliberately?</p>
<p>Consolation…if both sides are wealthy, then the invites could have been reprinted.</p>
<p>If I were a betting person, I would bet that “new wife” insisted on the wording.</p>
<p>I also was thinking the same thing…if it were a mistake as claimed (I doubt it though), then one would want to make it right and reprint the invites and send them again or do something similar along that vein to right the wrong. In fact, if it is the fault of the wedding planner (which I still doubt), then that person who whomever made the arrangements for the invitations, should bear the cost of the corrected invitations.</p>
<p>Yes, I can’t imagine not going to the wedding, but I don’t blame the mother for being furious AND humiliated. I can’t help but think that this was done deliberately by either the D–who apparently has been somewhat on the outs with her mother, although reportedly not seriously so–or by the ex and his wife. I’m hearing this second-hand, but it sounds as if the father chose to pay for the bulk of the wedding expenses, although my friend’s friend is paying for various things. Really, I don’t see any excuses here. If the father insisted on this, the D should have refused to take his money. (Her mother would have paid for the wedding.) If the D did it, the wedding planner should have cleared it with the father, who should have nixed it. If it was actually a mistake, then they should have quickly ordered some simple invitations that could be ready in a couple of days and sent those instead.</p>
<p>Weddings definitely bring out the worst in some people!</p>
<p>It doesn’t take much time to redo invitations. Don’t have to do them up as fancy either. But the wedding planner can be asked about this mistake. I am willing to be that it not the case. If I were the the Mom, I would have very nicely pointed out the mistake and insisted it be redone, and if the father did not want that done, just not paid for other expenses. </p>
<p>i would have correct ones reprinted and distributed at the wedding. All very sweetly done, of course.</p>
<p>Yes, absolutely agree that new invites are a must as omitting the mother of the bride is completely unacceptable…not to mention humiliating, rude and hurtful. If I were the MOTB, I would insist that new ones be printed and mailed out immediately, perhaps offering to foot the bill giving them the benefit of the VERY big doubt that it was an oversight.</p>