<p>^^^^
That is truly brilliant!</p>
<p>Let it go. This is one of the most benign “natural consequences” of behaviors you didn’t like anyway. You may not have liked aspects of the consequence, but it is real and it serves a purpose.</p>
<p>In dke’s place, I’d be upset that my son was described as a “bad influence.” But I would certainly not call the mother. I’d try to forget it as soon as possible.</p>
<p>If all boys were 18, I’d feel differently about the role model thing. But 15 year olds vs. 18 year olds? I’d have to respectfully disagree…</p>
<p>Oh, my virgin ears! Honestly, does this mom think that the only person her son knows who is using this kind of language is <em>your</em> son? My D reported this kind of language in grade school and she was going to an expensive private school (not that it matters). If that mother only knew…</p>
<p>I’m glad your son didn’t laugh at her…so there’s evidence enough that you raised him right. <em>Everyone</em> gets frustrated sometimes; so your boy overreacts a little. He’s not swearing a blue streak, jumping up and down, or foaming at the mouth. I’ve seen golfers do all that – maybe tennis players are calmer? Reward your son for doing the right thing and handling her weirdness so well. </p>
<p>Don’t call her back and if she calls again, explain that you’re proud of your son’s answer to her and that you feel no need to discuss the matter further.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t call her back it doesn’t really require a response on your part. She called him out on his behavior that she felt was inappropriate and he responded in a respectful way. We call those types of moms “mother superiors” and they do exist and the kids know who they are and how to act around them. It’s good for the kids to understand that different people have different expectations about appropriate societal behavior. People get called out occasionally by teacher, coaches, bosses, parents, co-workers. The kids will learn. Sometimes it will align with your model and sometimes it won’t but the takeaway is that the kids learn that they, too, can model different behaviors in different situations…</p>
<p>I would ignore it. The point was made to your son, let it go. This woman needs a life, though. I could see calling if she felt your son was doing something truly dangerous (drugs, etc.) and in the spirit of “it takes a village” she wanted you to know.</p>
<p>But cursing? </p>
<p>(BTW, what is with this “cussing” word? Isn’t the use of foul language called cursing? Discuss.)</p>
<p>I wouldn’t bother to call the mother back but if had happened to my child the next time the mother and I crossed paths I would make it known that she should have spoken to me first EVEN if she had called to speak to me and my son happened to answer. Somehow I would try to keep it light but to let her know that it was inappropriate.</p>
<p>It sounds as if the result of her talking to your son was exactly what you would want…he actually heard what the mother was saying and didn’t let his feathers get ruffled. Three cheers to your son for being polite. </p>
<p>My daughter played competitive tennis for years and the younger kids (even slightly younger) do look to the older kids for behavioral cues. The woman was a bit of a jackass for talking directly to your son but if it causes him to think before acting out in the future it is a good thing. I’ve seen kids throw their rackets and swear at lessons and matches. It isn’t pretty and seems to become habitual for some kids. Bad behavior from some of the pro’s doesn’t exactly promote controlling one’s anger and/or stress on the court. </p>
<p>Girls tend not to throw things and swear but they can behave badly as well. My daughter knew that if I saw unsportsmanlike behavior I would pull her off the court whether she was in the middle of a match or not. Fortunately she does not take after her mother, who probably would have been a kid with a temper when playing tennis.</p>
<p>Pizza, ahh yes but with “mothers superior” everyone’s business is their business, hence the “title.” We have one on our street unfortunately. Everyone on the block wishes she’s get a job or a hobby. The only saving grace is she’s got a kid living in her basement…who graduated from college years ago. The perfect mom produced a hummm perfect kid. Smile and nod, smile and nod.</p>
<p>Sax, I agree with you. My first thought was “Oh, that poor kid!” I think it’s outrageous for her to call you, only slightly less so for her to call you son about bad language among kids hanging out/playing a sport. It’s not like they’re doing anything illegal (drinking, drugs) or potentially unhealthy (fighting, smoking). Is your son the only 18 year old? </p>
<p>If this is such a big issue, I’d be a LOT more worried about what that kid will do when he gets to college and out from under her direct influence. I know my own kids would never have forgiven me if I had called one of their friends. In fact, among the kids I see, it would have provoked the exact opposite reaction (more bad language). If she feels so strongly about the bad language, she should be having a talk with her own son about her views, not calling his friend.</p>
<p>If your son behaved in a manner that is clearly inappropriate, regardless of his age, you should talk to him. eg. if his actions or his choice of words were in Sunday school, with a bunch of K-6 kids, or some environment where there were clear rules. If this is an informal club and the majority of participants don’t object, he shouldn’t have to change. I wouldn’t call the mom, but if she does reach you, you could say that you support your son’s behavior.</p>
<p>eg. The public airways have their own standards of forbidden words, which not many of us follow, and I wouldn’t get bullied by some parent to adhere to that standard.</p>
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<p>I really like this response and after ten minutes of reflection now think that you should just let it be with the “mother superior”. That doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to think evil thoughts the next time that you see her. 
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<p>I would never have cut it in debate class…one nicely worded sentence and I am totally swayed.</p>
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<p>Exactly. At 16, a child no longer needs to be shielded from every little thing and that type of language is very, very common among kids this age (boys and girls) in private. All one has to do is monitor your child’s texts or facebook messages for a week and it will become painfully obvious. When I discovered that my son and his friends talked this way among themselves I laid out some rules…don’t do it in front of adults, don’t do it if front of much younger kids and don’t do it in front of girls. I seriously doubt this mother’s 16 year old has ‘virgin’ ears. She is really out of touch with reality if she believes that. My feeling is, at that age, if you feel the need to shelter your kid from everything, you really are going to need to lock them in a room 24/7. My main objective by the time my son was 16 was too keep him safe and keep him from making a stupid decision that would ruin his life. At 19, I still have the same wish but a lot less control. 
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<p>Your son did an excellent job of handling it and you should pat yourself on the back for raising a great kid. I would let it go. No need to confront the mom. At 18, your son is an adult and this was a good life lesson for him.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for all of your input. I"m going to just ignore it and move on. Our son was embarrassed about it and that’s the good that came out of it. My feathers were just ruffled because I did feel as if she was being Mother Superior and casting aspersions on my parenting which I really do work hard to do right, although not always successfully! (obviously. ) To answer a couple of questions no, he’s not the only 18 year old…the crowd ranges in age from 15-18 and their friendships completely revolve around the sport. “Cussing” is just what they call it in our neck of the woods to answer somebody else’s question. This boy is homeschooled (online, she doesn’t do it) and he is with his family 24/7 except for when he’s exposed to my bad boy! Thank you all again. I feel a ton better about this now.</p>
<p>If it makes you feel any better, dke, one of my aunts objected to her daughter (my cousin, same age) spending time with me when we were in college, because I lived in an off-campus apartment instead of at home (my college was in the same city where my family lived). Believe me, I was about the most innocent college student around. I was one of the few who never even tried pot, and I didn’t drink at all. So I was hurt by being called a “bad influence.” My mother was furious. (And my cousin was actually a little bit wild.)</p>
<p>Yes, thank you NYMMOm…it DOES and I can completely relate because as I probably already wrote our son can be a pain in the butt (mouthy, yes) but he really tows the line when it comes to experimenting or acting out. He also doesn’t lie which we’re very proud of. None of that “I’m going over to so and so’s house” and really going somewhere else to do whatever. He’s a good egg!! This woman’s married to a local celebrity which has its own issues. This kid thinks he rules the town with special privilege and she doesn’t see me dialing her up to share THAT which can be annoying and not " a good example". I think I’ll go take a walk around the block before I get more ticked off! haha</p>
<p>I love the “mother superior” label - as a survivor of Catholic girls’ schools, I know exactly what that means!</p>
<p>I think that Mother Superior is to be commended for treating your S as an adult. Obviously, she called your home with the idea of speaking to you about his behavior. But when he answered the phone, she had to make a quick decision and chose to speak directly to him. Good for her. Your son dealt with her in an adult manner. Good for him. You should stay out of this adult interaction. [cross posted with mathmom]</p>
<p>Your S had exhibited behavior in the past that you obviously weren’t happy with and I am sure spoke to him about. You thought that he had outgrown that kind of behavior. Looks like he has had relapses that you weren’t there to witness. One mother was. </p>
<p>Bad language in general is less the issue than having a tantrum and throwing your racquet while letting F bombs fly. In tennis terms, that goes over the line. And I think your son knows it and is self-correcting. Good for him.</p>
<p>I think it’s a good thing you weren’t home as the Mom should have been talking to your son anyway. I certainly don’t think it hurt him and maybe it will help him realize that he IS a role model.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have a problem with the mother saying something directly to the boys at the time. I might do this myself if I observed a group of boys I knew well behaving this way. But I’d do it in a different way - “Come on, guys, let’s see more sportsmanlike behavior” - in a light tone of voice. Calling dke’s son a “bad influence” is going way too far.</p>