<p>Not sure how loving the kid on the couch means we can’t be sad/disappointed if our kid chooses not to share the milestone of his/her marriage with us. We will still love said kid. Our kids would similarly be disappointed if we chose not to share milestones with them, I think. They love us too.</p>
<p>happymm, I really do not see the connection. Loving the kid on the couch means you love your kid, and you want to be connected to them and their lives, no matter what.</p>
<p>An eloepment means that your kid has CHOSEN to EXCLUDE you from their life at one of its most significant junctures.</p>
<p>Actually, a kid on the couch isn’t going out to get married. They’re too busy being on the coach. There is absolutely no correlation between the two concepts.</p>
<p>Since we are getting closer to the wedding phase of our lives…I will be THRILLED when my children get married. Whatever the celebration…I’ll be there dancing. I’ll dance (ok in my mind) on the street outside the court, on a beach, in a country club or a hotel. I don’t care…I just want to be there.</p>
<p>To me, loving the kid on the couch means that I accept my child - warts and all. I can get ticked off by bad behavior, and I can do my best to help that child grow up to be a responsible adult, but if my kid is not Harvard material, or isn’t the sort to remember birthdays, or really doesn’t think it’s anyone else’s business if he/she gets married, then those are things that I need to accept with a reasonable amount of equanimity. Being broken-hearted is just about as completely opposite to equanimous as one can get.</p>
<p>^^ By your definition “loving the kid on the couch” means that nothing they do would ever disappoint you or have any affect on your feelings one way or the other. That doesn’t make sense. One can still be disappointed to be excluded from the marriage process along with all that implies and still love their kids and accept them. I think all of us who expressed that we’d be disappointed in the elopement in the traditional sense (i.e. excluded completely) have also said that afterwards we’d get over it, move on, and still want to maintain as good of a relationship with the kid as we can but that doesn’t mean we weren’t bothered by the exclusion.</p>
<p>My parents would flip out if I went too far with a guy, forget eloping. I think they’d burn me off our family tree.</p>
<p>Sorry to seem like I’m overreacting, but lots of the commentary here looks like the authors would pout in the corner for months, if not years. Yes I would be worried if my kid turned up married to a total stranger, but angry that I’d missed a party (however tiny) that she didn’t want to throw? Nope.</p>
<p>I suspect that part of what you are seeing here is based on how unlikely we think it would be for our kids to do this–if it would be out of character, and contrary to how things are valued in the family, then the parents would be more upset.</p>
<p>I would be upset if my kids eloped. I would be more upset if they became criminals, or drug addicts, or Republicans, but all of these things are relative.</p>
<p>Hunt, you crack me up. :D</p>
<p>OP here. This has been interesting. I think the reason I said I wouldn’t be that upset is because I can’t imagine ds1 eloping and my having NO inclination. Ds is cautious by nature, and I simply don’t think that things would have advanced that far with a girl and I wouldn’t know. If he (ever) gets a long-term gf, I think he’d introduce us to her and have the whole extended family meet her. And if they are together for years, then, no, it wouldn’t surprise me that he eventually made it official by eloping. He’s cheap as they come, and I can see him choosing to forgo the hoopla and expense of a big wedding. It would have more to do with him and less to do with us or our relationship. I think he knows that the most important thing is that I want him to be happy. And if that’s what makes him happy, then so be it. But, remember, I did tell him I would throw him a monster party on his return. It’s not like he’d slink off, get married and we’d never hear from him again. We have a pretty tight family – tight enough to withstand an elopement.</p>
<p>I don’t anticipate either of my kids eloping, because so far they have each been very interested in having their significant others get to know us and spend meaningful time with us. S has been dating the same girl for over five years and we know her parents, etc. Plus these kids are Catholic and S at least, would want a Catholic church ceremony and that would pretty much preclude elopement. (Guess it could still be done, but not so quickly.) Anyhow, don’t think it is at all likely to go that way with either of them – that both D and S would want us as a part of the event.</p>
<p>But I have asked them to try to coordinate that we are not having two weddings in the same year, just so that each could be a savored experience. Don’t care who goes first, and perhaps they won’t both marry, but if they do both marry, please just spread them out a bit! I realize it is not my call to make, but I have expressed that preference. </p>
<p>Neither is likely to want a big wedding. H and I kept it relatively small (champagne brunch for 55 after a morning church ceremony). I could see D preferring an outdoor, casual ceremony. She has said she would be inclined to purchase her wedding gown from a resale shop (which is how she got a great formal gown for another occasion). No extravaganza likely for either of them, unless they change from their current partners and end up with people who would want a big event. </p>
<p>I would be hurt if either eloped, but commend those who would take it in stride, as I hope I would if my kids chose that route. Nothing to be gained by complaining after the fact. I realize that supporting their choices is the only way to develop a positive relationship for the future.</p>
<p>As many of us keep saying, it’s not about the reception. A reception can be anywhere, or non-existent, for that matter, just a ceremony. But for many families a core value is that it is important to share, or at the very minimum, mark important occasions with family. It’s a value that has also become very important to our kids, something that is clearly the case by virtue of their behavior and attitudes. So barring extenuating or far fetched circumstances, in our case a secret elopement (where the parents are purposely kept in the dark until after the fact ) would by definition mean something had gone terribly wrong in our relationship to the child or the couple. That is the thing that would be so upsetting, not missing out on some party.</p>
<p>^ I am inclined to agree with much of the above, but would leave open the possibility that there could be some reason the couple chooses to elope, and that it would not *necessarily *mean something had gone “terribly wrong” with the relationship between the child or couple and the parents.</p>
<p>Guess that point was covered in the “barring extenuating or far fetched circumstances” section, though.</p>
<p>Agree it is not about the reception, although some here (not I) seem to be equating an elopement with a very small ceremony and no reception.
“My bad” for going into that aspect.</p>
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<p>If they’re of legal age, they don’t need parental consent, and if they’re not living with their parents, they don’t need to “run away.” But I suppose the “secretly” part (meaning not telling their families until afterward) still applies. </p>
<p>I would bet money that both of my kids would prefer to get married in this way, for different reasons, unless their intended spouses object. And that’s fine with me.</p>
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<p>It’s not about a party. How many times does one have to say it?</p>
<p>The wedding is the ceremony – whether at a church, city or town hall, or whatever. It means a marriage has taken place.</p>
<p>A reception/party afterwards is optional. </p>
<p>I take elopement to mean parents, etc. are not informed of or invited to the ceremony.</p>
<p>I do know of a couple who chose to elope. The parents of both bride and groom knew the intendeds (who had been dating for a couple of years) and approved of them. </p>
<p>The couple had a baby before marriage, (and had become officially engaged while expecting the child, but had not made wedding plans). Shortly after the birth of the baby they decided to marry at city hall, to make everything “official.” </p>
<p>No parents were told in advance or invited to the city hall ceremony, but they were nevertheless delighted, so far as I know. This was, IMO, an elopement, but there was no issue of parental disapproval. I think the couple just wanted to do their own thing, in their own time, with no fuss or involvement from family. They are both close to their families.</p>
<p>Perhaps the child was the “extenuating circumstance” referred to above.</p>
<p>The couple is doing great a number of years later. So far as I know, the family relationships remain very strong and positive.</p>
<p>^J209.
Ok. Sounds good</p>
<p>So if Brad and Angelina get married, is it an elopement or something other :)</p>
<p>Well, LongPrime, I do not think that we can count on the biggest exhibitionists in America to not make a spectacle out of everything they do. We can only dream that they would run off and keep it a secret.;)</p>
<p>^I can’t see how you can give that title to Brangelina when the Kardashians are around:)
I rarely see a staged photoshoots from any real stars with talent. But remember, they don’t plan to marry until gay couples can marry legally in America.</p>
<p>Call me hopelessly old-fashioned, but I don’t think a couple that is already living together can really “elope.” They can certainly get married without telling anybody, but it you want to elope, you’ve got to sneak off, climb down a ladder, etc.–if not without your parents’ consent, at least without their knowledge, or without their blessing in advance. Indeed, I think it’s only semi-eloping if the father holds the ladder for the young man.</p>