<p>If you are not currently married, would your kids object if you eloped?</p>
<p>I ask because my mother did it twice. She divorced her first husband (my father) when my sister and I were children and got married two more times later on. She didn’t tell us about marriages #2 or #3 until after they had taken place. Come to think of it, she didn’t tell her mother, either. I don’t remember any of us – my sister, my grandmother, or me – objecting to not having been told in advance or invited to the ceremonies.</p>
<p>So, wait. You were kids, and your mom remarried without telling you? Or were you already an adult and living on your own?</p>
<p>I’m sorry, Marian, was it strange for you? My mom remarried twice as well, and I was present at both weddings. I would have been blown away if she had remarried without telling me or my brother. Yes. I can only imagine my kids would feel the same way.</p>
<p>To me having a child (or parent!) elope implies a relationship issue between the two which is why it’d bother me. I don’t see how it couldn’t be unless one considers getting married on the same level as going to the grocery store or something (like might be the case for the 3rd, 4th, etc. marriage). </p>
<p>For example, I think it’d be a strange relationship between the parent and kid for the kid to not bother to tell the parent they were planning to get married next weekend or something. I can understand it if they’re estranged or something but that, of course, is a problem in the relationship. It’s more understandable if the kid’s already been living with the person for years and years but even then how hard is it to just call mom and dad and say you’re going to get married on Tuesday?</p>
<p>I would be devastated if any of my kids eloped. A wedding is an affirmation of love for another person and an event to be shared with those closest to you. </p>
<p>10 years ago, a good friend’s son was having difficulties with his father and the new wife and wanted to just elope. I told him “don’t do that to your mother—she can’t imagine not being at your wedding. Keep it simple and small, but PLEASE, include her”. He and his GF gave very close relatives (about 15 total from both sides) 3 weeks notice, had an outdoor garden wedding and a wedding brunch. Elegant and beautiful (saw the pictures).</p>
<p>When my father married his second wife about 15 years ago (after having already been in a relationship with her for 15 years before that, beginning a few years after my mother died), he neither invited me to the ceremony, nor told me in advance about his plans to marry. I admit that my feelings were a little bit hurt.</p>
<p>And I don’t believe that my mother was invited to attend when her father married wife # 2 or wife # 3, after her mother died. (My grandfather was quite the patriarch; his grave is directly surrounded by those of all three of his wives.)</p>
<p>Good question Marian! My kids would be angry, and that’s the only reason I wouldn’t elope. I am not married and I bought a house with my SO. We’ve been together for about 10 years (just living together in the past year), and I really don’t care if we get married or not, but if we do I’d rather just elope. My girls wouldn’t like it, so I won’t. I think they’d be more interested in the fancy dresses, though, rather than being part of a ceremony.</p>
<p>If you decide to get married wouldn’t you at least inform your kids beforehand and maybe invite them to whatever formality takes place even if it’s just at the courthouse in everyday clothes? If they’re not interested that’s their choice but it’d be nice if they were at least given the choice since they’re your kids. It doesn’t require much effort or bother on your part and doesn’t cost anything (unless your girls talk you into something bigger than you want) - just a text message or phone call.</p>
<p>In the Chinese tradition, groom side of the family pays, and I have 2 girls. We even require dowry. We have spent a lot of money on our girls, just on the college, we are full pay. Just saying.</p>
<p>My sister and I were kids. I was 12 when my mother remarried the first time. The marriage only lasted a year. I was 17 when she married again. That marriage lasted about 12 years, I think. In both cases, her new husbands moved in with her, and since she was the parent with custody of my sister and me, that meant they moved in with us, too.</p>
<p>Until I started reading this thread, it never occurred to me that there was anything particularly unusual about her getting married and not telling my sister and me until afterward. But maybe there was.</p>
<p>My mother’s sister died; a couple years later, her brother died. A couple of years after that, the brother-in-law married the sister-in-law. They did not inform my eight cousins beforehand because they knew someone would have something to say about it. They were probably both in their 70s.</p>
<p>I’m with GladGradDad. It is very hard for me to fathom, regardless if the wedding has the parents (or children) present for the ceremony, how one would not at the very least inform their own parents (or children) that they are getting married. It is so significant of an event in one’s life that the secrecy behind such a thing seems very odd or indicative of the relationship as a whole. I try to be open minded but am surprised so many people are fine with not knowing their kids are getting married or got married (and that is what elopement means and is not to do with the kind of ceremony or reception or lack thereof, or who attends). I guess this thread opens my eyes to how many families do not share such a basic significant aspect of their lives with one another. It just seems so foreign from my experience and expectations when it comes to family. </p>
<p>Also, what is the purpose of the secrecy about the wedding date (other than not wanting parents or kids to be present) because eventually the marriage itself is not going to be a secret?</p>
<p>Oh, I hadn’t thought of it from that viewpoint, soozie. I guess I figured my kids would tell me before they eloped. I didn’t realize that not knowing was part of the equation. I would NOT be happy with that! I just wouldn’t mind if they skipped all the expensive pomp and circumstance.</p>
<p>But elopement is not the opposite of a pomp and circumstance wedding. Elopement is secretly going off and getting married without telling anyone, not to mention not having closest family present. One can skip pomp and circumstance and have the simplest of ceremonies or even go to a courthouse and still tell their parents (or kids) and elect (or not) to have them present.</p>
<p>performersmom - I don’t understand your question. Why would it matter if they marry Chinese men or not? What is important is my girls are Chinese (when it comes to paying for weddings). :)</p>
<p>I think most people in real life and on this thread (myself included) are going along with the “informal” meaning of elopement (i.e. get married in the courthouse, forego the huge church wedding, etc) instead of the “get married in secret” meaning. I guess we all need to read the dictionary… but in all the situations I know where the bride and groom have “eloped,” their families definitely knew, the couple just wasn’t having a wedding or guests present. I didn’t realize secrecy had to be part of the equation either. I do think it would be pretty strange to not mention getting married to your parents/family before doing so, unless you’re estranged from them, etc. I am hoping to “elope” someday (skip all the expensive pomp and circumstance - love that phrase), but my parents will definitely be in the know beforehand.</p>
<p>Here is why I ask, oldfort: The custom is the opposite for non-Chinese: the bride’s family pays for everything except the rehearsal dinner.
Thus, if your D is engaged to a non-Chinese, her fiance’s family will be expecting you to pay!</p>