<p>You just know your kids if they would do something like that. I know my kids wouldn´t do it because they know it would hurt me terribly. Likewise, I wouldn´t do anything intentionally to hurt them either. Other parents may feel differently (as we have seen on this thread), and their kids would make their choices based on the family dynamic.</p>
<p>What oldfort said. It is not something that would happen because what you suggest is completely foreign to the relationship we have with our kids. I think I know my own kids well enough to know how they would react to anyone saying “since we can’t have my parents there, or a big wedding, we won’t tell yours, either.”</p>
<p>GladGradDad: *If you decide to get married wouldn’t you at least inform your kids beforehand and maybe invite them to whatever formality takes place even if it’s just at the courthouse in everyday clothes? If they’re not interested that’s their choice but it’d be nice if they were at least given the choice since they’re your kids. It doesn’t require much effort or bother on your part and doesn’t cost anything (unless your girls talk you into something bigger than you want) - just a text message or phone call. *</p>
<p>I wouldn’t do it without them, because in the end I think their feelings would be hurt - but they are still very young. If they were older, I’d consider letting them know what I was up to (if I took that path) but I don’t feel like I’d be obligated to invite them. (Sorry it took so long to respond.)</p>
<p>Knowing my daughter, I don’t have to worry about this happening. It could happen with my son. In either case, I would be disappointed. Marriage, in our family, is more than an opportunity for a party. It is a religious occasion. Getting married secretly would mean that there was no regard for the importance of God in the beginning of their life together. (I am not passing judgment on anyone else; this is just how we have lived and how our kids were raised.)</p>
<p>I would be upset that I was not included in one of the most important days in my child’s life. I will admit, I have dreamed about the “big day” for my kids and I wouldn’t want to miss it.</p>
<p>Marian:</p>
<p>Most of the items you mention imply the relationship issue between the kid and the parent and I think knowing that there’s a relationship issue would bother most of us and would be an ‘awful circumstance’ for some. Just because the future spouse has a relationship issue within their family it shouldn’t potentially cause one within your kid’s family - i.e. if the future spouse doesn’t want to inform their parents of the upcoming marriage that shouldn’t force your kid to not inform you.
It’s not a choice between ‘big expensive wedding’ or ‘elope’ and not about money. It doesn’t have to cost any more money to have a marriage where the parents are informed beforehand than to elope. If my kid is down at the courthouse it doesn’t cost them or me any more money to have me standing there behind them.</p>
<p>
They don’t have to do what they don’t want as far as a ceremony goes and don’t have to keep the process secret from the parents to do the function they want.</p>
<p>
The parents IMO have no right to insist on anything and the function s/b what the people getting married want. On a side note - if the uncle was doing that then the parents should have been informed of that at the time it happened and at least by now.</p>
<p>
This one’s easy - the invitation can be opened to all of them and it’s then up to each individual as to whether to show up or not. It shouldn’t be the problem of the people getting married.</p>
<p>
There’s no way a simple wedding will wipe out savings. It can be simply the cost of the civil procedure. </p>
<p>
There’s no reason not to be open with the parents bout this. Obviously if they object then we’re back to the relationship issue within the marriage. There’s no reason not to do what I mentioned above, invite all desired and leave it up to them to attend or not. The exception would be a religion where perhaps only members of that religion are permitted to attend the wedding and if one side’s aren’t that religion then they’d be excluded but that’s one of the considerations the kid needs to make when they decide to follow the restrictive religion and exclude their own family - back to the relationship issue.</p>
<p>Those are very creative solutions, GladGradDad. I guess I didn’t give much thought to such alternatives because I wouldn’t mind if my kids eloped.</p>
<p>I do think, though, that the solution you suggest for #1 would not work out. If your child is the groom, and the bride comes from a community where it is traditional for families to have big weddings and for the bride’s family to pay, eloping would help the bride’s family save face (“Those crazy kids. They went off on their own and got married. Who knows what they’ll think of next!”). A ceremony at the courthouse with the parents present is tantamount to a public announcement that the bride’s family can’t afford to pay for a wedding.</p>
<p>My son might forget to tell us that he was getting married.</p>
<p>SportsMama: *Knowing my daughter, I don’t have to worry about this happening. It could happen with my son. In either case, I would be disappointed. Marriage, in our family, is more than an opportunity for a party. It is a religious occasion. Getting married secretly would mean that there was no regard for the importance of God in the beginning of their life together. *</p>
<p>But what if they had a religious ceremony, just the two of them?</p>
<p>
It’s the secrecy or indifference part that bothers me the most. I’m sure there are some circumstances where the couple being married might not want the attendance of others but that’s different than not even letting them know it was going to happen.</p>
<p>
Part of the context of my responses here are in that I don’t care so much what other people want or what they’re trying to infer into things. I also think everyone’s an individual. Even in a well to do family just because sister A wanted and had the big wedding doesn’t mean that sister B wants that and no one should dream up conclusions as a result - i.e. it could be that sister B or the groom just are shy and the civil wedding has nothing to do with the family’s means. It could be that they always wanted to do their wedding on top of Mt Whitney or in the middle of a parachute jump or while scuba diving and this for certain would exclude most of the family members from attending. But really, I couldn’t care less what someone else inferred about my financial status one way or the other.</p>
<p>I like your answers, GradDad. But I do understand that many people have family situations that are far more complicated and fraught with discord than we have. Our family is very open with most things, and we often don’t agree, but that’s ok. I do think we agree about the importance of sharing life’s milestones, fortunes and misfortunes, with those near and dear to us.</p>
<p>I found myself apologizing to my son a couple of years ago after he told me how hurt (and angry) he was that I didn’t inform him of my breast cancer until after Christmas. (I learned about it shortly beforehand.) I was trying to keep the holidays upbeat and not about my illness, but he clearly felt that I was holding something back that was important not just to me, but to the family, and he said he really hoped I would never do that again “to him.” So it’s not always the parents who are hurt by not being included in the important events in our lives.</p>
<p>My parents got married in the Rabbi’s study. My father’s parents were dead. But his brother and sister in law came. My mother’s mother had recently died and her father was recuperating from a heart attack in Los Angeles. Her brother was also in Los Angeles. My mother was in New York.</p>
<p>My mother’s side was represented by four or five friends.</p>
<p>My mother, never a planner, didn’t even know to make a reservation for dinner for their party of ten or two.</p>
<p>The marriage lasted 41 years. They died a few weeks apart.</p>
<p>A fancy wedding doesn’t make a marriage. Place cards, five tiered wedding cakes, guest lists with who can’t sit with who is puffery. A wedding can be as elaborate or as simple as the kids dictate. But in my book two kids who elope are slapping those in the face who care about them.</p>
<p>My MIL was very unhappy with my BIL eloped, and she made sure he and her new daughter-in-law knew it, and it really put a damper on their relationship. </p>
<p>I always thought it was silly of my MIL to be so upset about it. The couple had been together for 7 years, lived together for 5 of them, had bought a house together 2 years earlier, etc. They had effectively already been married, and just didn’t want to do a wedding. I could understand being upset if he eloped with stranger, but this was very different. </p>
<p>So, I guess it would depend on the circumstances. Even if you are upset about it however, perhaps it is best to avoid advertising it.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There is NO WAY that a prospective DIL should insist on inflicting a deep wound on her prospective in laws in order to pander to her parents’ false pride. Her parents could come to the courthouse with the B&G and groom’s parents, and they could all go to the groom’s parents house for a nice dinner, and none the wiser. They are not obligated to tell anyone what they did. They could even put about the elopement story, if they wished. </p>
<p>In the situation you describe, I can imagine that tongues would wag if the parents didn’t throw an elaborate party after the supposed “elopement.” I pity anyone who lives in such a community.</p>
<p>I included that example, Consolation, because it’s the reason why my parents eloped.</p>
<p>Of course, that was in 1951. I don’t know how much times have changed.</p>
<p>My folks couldn’t pay much for a wedding, either. DH’s parents contributed zero. We paid for most of it ourselves. </p>
<p>S1 and fiancee expect they will pay for most of their wedding expenses. She does not want to burden her folks, he and she are not inclined to have a big shindig, and they both feel that as adults, it is their responsibility. We will help if asked, but I suspect most of that help will consist of logistical support more than cash. (I am willing to bet that S2 and DH will be doing the catering, assuming we can find a venue that will allow it.)</p>
<p>CD, your approach is heartwarming. They are taking responsibility, and the family is chipping in to give them a supportive start. Isn’t that the essence of weddings?</p>
<p>Both H and my parents were against us getting married because of our race. We almost eloped, but we let them know that we were getting married on this date, we would like them to be there, but we were getting married one way or another. At the last minute we changed from a court house wedding to a wedding at my parents house. Both sides of parents showed up, and we were happy they were there. We had 15 people at our wedding.</p>
<p>^^^Great story, oldfort!</p>
<p>I agree with Hugcheck: “For me it’s more about the marriage than the wedding. If I felt it was a good partnership I would be happy to not spend the $$ and would save it for them for some other purpose.” I would hope to throw them a party somewhere along the way!
My D decided during all the silliness that is High School graduation in our community that she sure did not want to be stressed out by a wedding! I did tell her that we are good with that but recommend that she consider the feelings of the as yet unknown future groom and in-laws.</p>