more than a decade after the person died? I ask because I was sifting through some old photos and came across a very nice photo of somebody I knew 25+ years ago. I consulted Dr. Google and found this person died 14 years ago. In the obituary were the names of his children; after a bit of searching, I was able to find email addresses for two of the children.
I don’t know them, they don’t know me.
Would it be weird to reach out with the photo, for no other reason than to say “here’s a pic of your dad from 25 years ago…” Maybe they hated their dad / were estranged or whatever. I’d hate to unintentionally open old wounds, or maybe I’m over thinking. I don’t know them
I would be tempted to do that, depending on my relationship with the person involved. It would be easier if you had an address and you could just mail the photo vs contacting by email. I was going through a drawer and found a business card of somebody I had interviewed with at the World Trade Center, and the individual was lost in 9-11. I didn’t really consider the person a friend since I only met him that one time for an interview (and thank goodness did not hire me!) but I didn’t want to just throw it out… so I mailed it to his sister.
I would scan a couple photos and send a brief email. If they had a troubled relationship or think it’s weird, they are free to ignore it.
I sent the son of my dad’s college roommate a photo I found of them, and even though we had only met as teenagers, he was really happy to have it. And I blind-wroteto the family that lives in my greatgrandmother’s house , with a return SASE, and they sent me back a lovely note and polaroids.
Maybe I’m odd. I’m going to take the other side. I don’t think I’d send it. As you say, who knows the family situation - they type of relationship they had with their dad, what their dad told them about his past life, etc. What if the pic revealed some secret?
I guess I would also figure if it’s just an ordinary photo that MOST LIKELY they probably have a pic of him 25 years ago. I think if someone send an ordinary photo to me, I’m not sure how I’d feel - potentially I might think it was a little odd???
^Agree with @greenbutton. Maybe they would want it, maybe they already have a copy, but all you are doing is politely asking. Nothing to criticize there.
I would. I think you would have to provide enough info that they know it isn’t spam, particularly if you are emailing and attaching the picture. Maybe start with, “Hi, I hope you don’t find this intrusive, but I knew your dad when we worked together/went to school together…and found this picture when going through some things…” I think the only hurdle is them realizing you are sincere and not a spammer.
It’s pretty spiffy you got the emails, but would it be better to reach out through FB? (I don’t have a FB so not sure how it works, maybe others will provide guidance there.)
The worse that can happen is they aren’t interested, but either way your effort is an act built on good intention. I think most would welcome the kindness. Some people have lost things over the years for all kinds of reasons, ya just don’t know - it could be a duplicate, not wanted, or could mean the world to them.
I’d do it for sure. They can throw it out if they had a lousy relationship with the parent. But it’s most probable that they will welcome the picture and be grateful for your thoughtfulness. If you didn’t want to risk it, you could track them down on fb and first send a message asking if they’d like you to send them the pic (which you could do via fb too).
Thanks for the opinions and advice; I do not have FB therefore I emailed the pic. For clarification, the man was not a boyfriend, he was a client of the company I worked for. The photo was taken at a dinner function which I hosted for another client and the man in question was a guest of mine.
I’ll be curious if the kids (adults) respond. Thanks again
If they don’t respond to you, I think it’s more likely because they are hesitant to give their address to strangers rather than a matter of opening old wounds.
I say this because my own father died at about the same time that this man did. It’s long enough that mementos of him would be considered an interesting addition to our family history rather than a painful reminder of his death. I’m not sure whether I would respond to an email like the one you sent because I’m fairly paranoid, but if I did choose to respond, I’m sure I would find the photos to be a pleasant surprise.
I would think twice about sending it. A similar situation occurred several weeks ago with my wife and it was not a pleasant experience.
My wife and her father were very close and he was always the picture of good health. He became ill and passed away quite suddenly 10 years ago. My wife was devastated and still to this day gets very emotional in certain situations and there are phrases, photos, etc. that can trigger depression over the loss.
Several weeks ago, on the anniversary of his death, one of the obituary sites sent her an email, with his picture, asking if she would like to commemorate his passing. She was not expecting the email, was at work when she opened it, and her resulting reaction was something she would really rather have not gone through at work.
You never know what someone’s relationship was with the departed and based on the response the obituary company received from my wife, I know I would not like to have been on the receiving end from someone I just found an email for over the internet.
I’m glad you sent it. My dad died 14 years ago and I would love to have someone send me a picture of him today. Even better I would love to hear a story from an old friend - he was super funny and outgoing so people always had great stories about him.
The kids might not respond or might take a while to answer. I got a FB message from a lady saying she was an old friend of my moms and could she have her email information. I checked with my mom first and it turned out it was true but there was no way I was giving out her information without knowing for sure.
I’ve been on the receiving end of the gesture a couple a few times for various relatives. I’ve always appreciated it, even if I already had the photograph. I really love the photo someone gave me of my dad when he was a kid. My father died when I was young and I had nothing of his prior to my parents’ relationship. Now, I did ignore the friend requests and such from someone who knew a grandmother who wanted to get a little more chummy than I was comfortable with.
I did a very bad thing. I woke up to three responses this morning, two were extremely angry one was more mellow.
Apparently, he was not a nice man, nor a good person. I hate that I have opened old wounds.
It’s all fine. You did nothing bad—the folks chose how they wanted to respond. You were kind to reach out. I would have appreciated the thought even if I didn’t like the person. You were trying to be kind.
I’m glad you sent it. My dad passed away 35 years ago and he was a difficult and complicated man who made our lives difficult and complicated for his entire life. I still would like to receive a photo of him if someone found one!
If people are still this angry so many years after, that isn’t on you. I wouldn’t worry too much about their responses. Your intentions were good and that’s how they should have replied, or they should have just deleted your email and ignored it.
LOL.
“No good deed goes unpunished.”
This is where that wise old adage comes in handy. I agree that you did a good thing and folks without tact or manners reacted the way people like that do. I still hope someone sees your generosity (and rememberance) as a nice gesture - and thanks you for it.
