@momo2x2018 I’m on the other side. Am in the middle of helping DH pull together a memorial service for his parents this summer. The celebrant we found referred to them in positive terms and my Traumatized Reptile Brain started screaming internally about how self-righteous, controlling, and abusive they were. Healthy Constructive Brain is in control of my mouth and keyboard, fortunately. DH and I are really good at responding warmly to people who are trying to say or do something nice, but it’s really taxing and wrenching to even be reminded of his parents.
@momo2x2018 - I’m so sorry you got those angry responses. You don’t deserve that for trying to do something kind.
Yes. This whole thing has kinda ruined my day, and thank you all for your generous responses and opinions.
My S is home on spring break and I’ve been nagging him all week to get in touch w/his elderly aunt She’s a lovely person, and well intentioned, but her incessant questioning gets a bit much, and he’s resisted. Anyway, I reminded him again today, and then broke down and I told him about this little contretemps; I told him that having people in your life who love you and care for you, is priceless and that he’s fortunate to be cocooned in a family who loves and cares for him - he called his aunt!
UGH!
It’s unfortunate that they chose to reply angrily- and to a total stranger. But you chose with kindness and good intentions. Don’t let them pull you down to their level. Whether he was loved or not was not in your power to know.
I also had plenty of complaints about my mother and minded when people went on about what a lovely person she was. But it was within my power to smile and nod.
You did not do anything wrong and I wouldn’t waste a minute worrying about it.
“Apparently, he was not a nice man, nor a good person”
Their response to you was extremely RUDE and indicates to me they are not nice people nor good people. Maybe they learned from him.
So agree that these cannot be good people. Good people would have thanked you and declined your offer
with a small explanation. You made the right decision. Also, I do think you will hear from the not nice people again–once their conscious catches up with them.
I do think they could have been more cordial towards you if they indeed were not. BUT we don’t know the circumstances and they don’t owe a stranger - even one who meant well - an explanation.
You can just try and be at peace with what you TRIED to do! Your intention was good. Not all good intentions get positive rewards in life.
@abasket Good point about the survivors not owing an explanation. That’s one of the reasons DH and I don’t really go into any details when well-intentioned people do say something positive. It’s just too painful to go into it, and we’re really private about that. For another thing, why spread the pain and cruelty around? A gesture like that doesn’t warrant our lashing out at someone. Sorry that’s what you met with, @momo2x2018
“What a nice thing to say / do. Thank you for thinking of us” doesn’t give any ground and doesn’t hurt anyone.
It’s too bad they were unable to be civil in response to your kind gesture. Nevertheless, you were kind to make the offer, and you shouldn’t let their rudeness distract from that.
Actually, I don’t want to leave any of you with the impression that the descendants of the person, are not nice people; in good conscience I could not do that because I do not know them. My upset was more about what i perceived as the lashing out. Anyway, today is a new day and it’s water under the bridge.
Every family has issues, some more than others. There are many days my mother drives me crazy, and days when I don’t even like her , but, I love her and I feel blessed that she and my dad raised us in a safe and loving home.
Whatever their issues may have been, it would have been far kinder if them to either ignore you or politely state, “thanks but no thanks,” or similar. Shooting a well-meaning messenger is needlessly mean anyway I look at it.
Or, “Thanks, we’ll add the pic to other remembrances,” which may have meant tossing it out.
I suspect you put more thought into deciding to share it than they did on their response. That’s the shame.
Sounds like the ? didn’t fall far from the tree. Regardless of whatever history they had with him, even if it was horrible, that did not merit a hostile response to a stranger attempting to do an act of kindness.
Different details and I won’t derail the thread. But my S19 had an experience this week where he did an act of kindness that ended up turning into a very negative experience. One of the things I discussed with him I will tell you. Don’t let someone like that dissuade you from doing another act of kindness in the future.
Keep in mind that the photo recipients might be trying to a bit of self-protection, on the chance that you are maybe trying to somehow scam them. (Of course that is not the case, but maybe they think a negative reply is best response here.)
The recipients might have been concerned that a total stranger was able to track down their email addresses (and it sounds like that took some digging). I would probably ignore such an email - probably wouldn’t even open it, especially with a photo attachment. Like @colorado_mom said, I would have suspected a scam or virus.
Sounds like the apples didn’t fall far from the tree.
It could have been simply a thank you for considering this but it’s not something we need at this time. Or whatever. Geesh.
Your intentions were good and their response was ill mannered.
And if I received an email with someone who said
“ I used to work with your dad, bill and found a nice picture from decades ago at the Univision party. And I wondered if you’d like a copy. If not that’s ok too. “
I would not think internet scammers would be on my mind. Come on now.
Rest easy op. Life’s short and these people are already gone with the wind as far as your life goes.
What if the person was a horrible abuser who masterfully hid his dark side from the public view? No wonder some victims of abuse continue to suffer in silence instead of speaking out… because they will be labeled angry, insensitive, rude, etc. if they let their emotions out.
30 years later to an innocent co worker trying to be nice. She wasn’t looking for a dialogue around his merits as a human being. She asked if they would like a picture.
A “no thank you” or even a “no thank you, he was a horrible person, throw it away” is fine. Or just hit the delete button. But an incendiary response is unnecessary.
^??..
Even if they were victims of unspeakable abuse, polite is polite
The messenger needed a simple “ no thanks”. “Do you want a nice picture” was a yes or no.
I have a very borderline sister who might go nuts over a simple question about a picture. But that is mental illness and not a normal response.
Normal is “ thank you but I am not interested “.
A seriously abused person might respond “ this request opens up old wounds. Please do not contact me again… thank you. You could not have known “
OP stated that she sent the picture, not a question. Also man was a client, not co-worker.