<p>If your college applicant was invited to apply for a scholarship in his/her field at a school that would otherwise be financially out of reach, spent significant time working on the essay, and then refused to send it in because he/she was afraid to be disappointed if he/she didn’t win, would you put the envelope in the mail anyway?</p>
<p>Don’t put it in the mail without her permission, but definitely encourage her to send it in. Fear of disappointment is not a good reason not to do something! Everything that requires effort may end in disappointment; she can’t stop trying on the harder things just because it’s a harder fall if it doesn’t work out.</p>
<p>I would not, but I would suggest to the applicant that the mailbox might as well be considered a rubbish bin. Would said applicant be willing to have parents read the response from the school when it comes? Then the parents could indeed throw the response in the rubbish without the applicant’s knowlege and the applicant could forget all about it.</p>
<p>zoosermom:</p>
<p>I agree with corranged. Disappointment is a part of life. The best way to ENSURE failure at anything is not to even try.</p>
<p>You cannot win it if your not in it! I would try to be upfront and reason with my kid. I would tell her that the worst thing that happens is that you don’t get it. I would tell her so what, get used to it. You’ll have job interviews and send out resumes and you won’t get the job. It does not make you worth less etc. </p>
<p>If reason does not work, well I am not sure if I would send it off anyway.</p>
<p>I totally agree with all of you. I don’t see that she would lose anything by applying and, who knows? The essay is about a project for which she won a major award, so how bad can it be? She is absolutely paralyzed, though. My theory (unsubstantiated) is that she doesn’t want to hope that she can go to this school and is, therefore, letting it go. It’s a tough situation. THe essay is done and the envelope sealed and stamped. If it doesn’t go out today she will miss the deadline. We’ve finally hit the point of her realizing tat she’s going to go away, leave home and school and be on her own and she is getting very nervous. I guess everyone goes through this at some point, right? Right?!</p>
<p>I wouldn’t send it without permission. I would try to explain that if you try and fail, you are no worse off than if you didn’t try at all. What is there to lose? Disappointment is a fact of life, and frankly, he/she is ahead of the game just in steeling him/herself for it. It’s a real beneficial exercise, just in learning how to deal with it.</p>
<p>I have run into that perfectionistic attitude a few times with my own kids, but fortunately, they are logical enough to understand this reasoning.</p>
<p>[cross posted. Right!]</p>
<p>I’ve had that talk with her. The lottery slogan in NY is “ya gotta be in it to win it.” But she’s just paralyzed. My inclination is to leave it go, but my husband wants to mail it since it’s already stamped and plead ignorance. I hope she doesn’t regret this next week or tomorrow.</p>
<p>seems like you will be filled with regrets no matter what you do?</p>
<p>so, your choice seems to be:</p>
<p>filled with regrets for things you did?
filled with regrets for things you didn’t do?</p>
<p>
I’d be DAMN tempted, and shamefully enough, I probably would. :o</p>
<p>If it is in a stamped envelope, I would probably send it in. I would tell the child that I was going to send it in, and if she didn’t hide it or something I would follow through. I guess I interpret the child’s actions as possibly wanting someone else to take that last step to affirm her somehow. Maybe, just maybe she doesn’t want to send it in herself, but is willing to let you guys do it.</p>
<p>Gee I think it might have just gone out with the mail. Sorry honey, but you know how daddy is – he thought he was supposed to go out so he mailed it.</p>
<p>I’d be more than tempted. I’d have been at the post office the minute she sealed the envelope.</p>
<p>Remind her that she was INVITED to apply. Nobody is going to laugh at her audacity for trying. I know this is a confidence issue, not a laziness issue. But my B-I-L charged my niece $500 for a scholarship application deadline that she blew off. She was on top of things from then on.</p>
<p>Maybe you can remind her how proud you are of her accomplishments, but now is the time to turn that pride into $$$ if at all possible. And do let her know that it is likely that MOST scholarship applications will be disappointments. But “Ya gotta be in it to win it” is a great motto to live by. I’d even drag out that Teddy Roosevelt “In the Arena” piece to make my point. Then she’d probably mail the application herself just to make me go away & leave her in peace.</p>
<p>I’d send it. In fact, I am telling you to go mail it right now.</p>
<p>zm:</p>
<p>Two issues. The first is the unreasoned fear of applying at all. Your daughter needs to beat that, and it’s up to you to decide whether you should make a stand now or later. If she doesn’t make the decision to send it in herself, she risks repeating the same behavior later, and that will not be good for her life. I’m not saying that making the decision to apply at this point will solve that problem, but I think it will help.</p>
<p>Second issue. If you send it and she wins, you can say “There! You see?” And that may be helpful of it may not be. If you send it and she doesn’t win, presumably, she’ll never know, which brings us back to issue #1.</p>
<p>This is a tough decision to make, I know. Good luck.</p>
<p>I’d mail it. I’m not sure that’s the right and proper thing to do, but I’d do it anyway. It’s sealed and stamped and ready to go. Does part of your daughter WANT you to mail this for her? Sigh. I know a certain mom and senior D in this house (who have always had a pretty good relationship) are going through some very interesting push and pull antics these days as we “prepare” for the looming separation. My job of mother is no where near being over, though, so I would still feel the need to step in and make sure the right thing gets done in this case.</p>
<p>Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Do you both want to spend the rest of your lives wondering “what if?”</p>
<p>Since your daughter completed the app and stamped the envelope, some part of her wants to hope. Most of us have been paralyzed with fear at some time. Frequently it is some kind soul who not only supports us but actually holds our hand in that last moment before we hit the I’m committed now point that pushes beyond the paralysis. </p>
<p>If she absolutely didn’t want this school, of course you shouldn’t mail it for her. But if it is still on her list if it was financially doable, then I would take it out of her hands. Tell her, you did the work and I am now going to take responsibility for this. I am taking this to the PO and I will never mention this again. I will open any info that comes from this and only pass on news I think you want to hear. If at any time you want to talk about this, you can bring it up and I will be glad to listen but I won’t bring it up. Then, I would take it to the PO, mail it priority with Delivery Confirmation so you know it got there since she won’t follow up on it, and make good on my promise not to bring it up. </p>
<p>In a week or two she may feel differently and it would be a shame to miss a great opportunity she did all the work for because of normal human angst. I know many people believe the kid has to take responsibility for the whole college application process but in my household, the parents help with the financial side of things and scholarships can be seen as financial issues that could impact in my retirement.</p>
<p>I personally would not mail it if the student did not want it sent. I’d want to send it, and we’d have a big argument about it, and I’d be frustrated and annoyed, but I wouldn’t send it.</p>
<p>It’s still not mailed. Sitting on the hall table with a stamp on it, but I can’t bring myself to have my husband put it in the mail. When she gets out of school I’m going to ask her if there is any part of her heart that wants to go there and if she says yes, it’s getting mailed. If she says that she’s moved on, then it won’t. But we do need to work on her confidence. It breaks my heart because she really is a smart girl and the research that gave rise to the essay was serious and interesting at the same time. Just like her.</p>
<p>Okay, here is a completely off the wall idea – what if you said you mailed it and waited to see her reaction. If she seems okay, then quick, run mail it. If she blows a gasket, 'fess up, and tell her you didn’t really mail it. Okay, it involves deceit, maybe not a good idea, just a thought . . . (Now y’all know how devious I can be, at least in my imagination!)</p>
<p>Off to lunch.</p>