<p>My son is about to graduate from middle school. He has had an utterly miserable experience in the school. The situation that gave rise to his difficulties was not of his making, but being an 11-12 year old boy, he lacked the maturity to handle it and made things worse. With some intervention from a couple of his teachers and the help of a good therapist, he is totally on track with grades and state of mind and will be going to a great high school in the fall. I’m not a “not my kid” kind of parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I can really see how badly he was treated and how that played into his personal insecurities and created a bad situation. I’m very proud of how he’s turned it around and where he is now. </p>
<p>He told us in the last couple of days that he doesn’t want to go to the graduation because he doesn’t want to celebrate his time in the school, because he’s done with the whole mess, and because the person who will hand him the diploma is the person who created the difficulties for my son and who never had the insight or wisdom to understand how much damage he did to several (or more than several) kids.</p>
<p>Would you force your kid to go to middle school graduation if he politely told you why he didn’t want to go and had done everything asked of him in getting to that point? I’m a little torn because it seems like attending graduation is something that “should be done” and also he is one of the top musicians in the school symphonic band that will be playing at the graduation. They’ve got a significant gap without him. </p>
<p>Until I read the last paragraph I would have said he absolutely doesn’t need to go. But reading about the band, I wonder: a) how much effect would his absence have on the band? and b) is he close to the band director and the other kids in the group? In other words, would he be letting down friends and a mentor if he didn’t go?</p>
This is my question, too. I’m not sure the kids would care that much because half will be wallowing in the excitement of graduation and half will be 7th graders of whom not much is expected. The band director is another matter. I’m not sure I would allow him to skip out without speaking to him.</p>
<p>The thing I’m having a problem with is knowing how hard it will be for him to stand on stage and accept his diploma from the assistant principal. I’m not sure a 13-year old is man enough to handle that. Frankly, I’m an old hag and I have major difficulty in speaking to that man. We were at a school event recently and he was right in my personal space. I had to sit there and pray out loud to be able to restrain myself. I’m really not kidding about that.</p>
<p>I would speak very briefly to the band director to explain the absence, and I would let your son skip the graduation.</p>
<p>After my son made Eagle Scout, he didn’t have a ceremony, or darken the doors of a troop meeting ever again. The adults in charge of the troop were obstructionist jerks. It was so much easier to just let the door close than to try to force ourselves to plan the ceremony and reception and to have to be around the scout leaders again.</p>
<p>By the way…we used to call our D’s headmaster in middle school “that man”. I wish we had not gone to the graduation. I spent the entire afternoon grinding my teeth and mumbling invective. What a load of hooey.
If it was not for her school’s music teacher, I don’t know where she would be today.</p>
<p>I like this, but would add that I would have your son speak to him as well. He doesn’t have to go into any sort of long explanation, just say that he won’t be able to attend graduation, and wanted to give the director a heads-up.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have a problem with him skipping graduation. I feel differently about not performing, if he is a key player. I’d like to see him be able to stand up to the assistant principal by accepting a diploma from him with a big smile while repeating over and over to himself, “I did this in spite of you Cockroach. I did this in spite of you Cockroach.” When I have trouble standing up to bullies, I envision them as cockroaches.</p>
<p>I agree with #6 - exactly what I was about to say.</p>
<p>You could also accept his choice now and give him one last chance to change his mind (if possible) just before the ceremony - if he is firm in his choice, more power to him!</p>
<p>I would be inclined to have him apologize to the band director that he is unable to be at the ceremony. Then I’d take him and the extended family out to celebrate privately.</p>
<p>I think he’ll remember middle school as a bad experience that he survived, and the fact that you took him out privately to celebrate rather than making him participate in one more activity related to that bad experience will stick in his mind as demonstration that you always had his back.</p>
The band doesn’t march in, they play Pomp & Circumstances for the other graduates. What happens is that they play in cap and gown and then go from the orchestra pit to the stage when their names are called. I know beyond question that the AP would physically drag my kid onto the stage if he was playing and didn’t make his way up in a timely fashion. I sort of think that he either goes and participates fully or doesn’t go at all. Thankfully, he’s not a hothead like me.</p>
<p>This trend of having graduation ceremonies for pre-school, elementary school, and middle school is silly anyway. High School and College is enough.</p>
<p>I say let him skip the ceremony, but certainly give the band director as much notice as possible so another student will be prepared to take your son’s place. </p>
<p>Your son has made an effort and succeeded in getting himself straightened out. His reward is to be treated like the mature young man he is. He has a very valid reason to skip graduation, you’ll be showing your support by not making it an issue. </p>
<p>There are plenty of times when it’s necessary to spend time with people you strongly dislike. This isn’t one of them.</p>
<p>It should be his choice. However, if I were in his shoes…I would have been inclined to use the opportunity to play in the band at graduation to pull off a prank at the expense of the jerky admin and end the middle school days on an high fun note. </p>
<p>Maybe he and some of the 8th grade band friends could consider playing the Darth Vader march as that admin walks up to the stage. :D</p>
<p>I would let him skip it. I agree with others that middle school graduation is a bit overboard anyway. Not much of an accomplishment IMO. At my kid’s middle school graduation, there was much hooting and hollering from the crowd that clearly expected this to be the last graduation. I wish my kids would have skipped it and I could have been spared. Maybe private school is different. Despite the frequent statements of Christianity “banned” from education, we were subjected to Christian prayers and a Christian sermon about responsibility to God and such.</p>
<p>My son didn’t want to attend his middle school graduation either. I said fine but only if he promised to attend his high school graduation. He promised and he did. Worked out all the way around.</p>