<p>And zoozermom, congratulations to you and your son for getting thru the hell known as middle school.</p>
<p>
That’s exactly what will happen here. The ceremony is being held at a local college and tonight is the prom. I am really bothered by those things, but that’s another rant!</p>
<p>
Thank you! My husband has made me promise not to come into contact with the AP again because of what I might say. Probably best for us not to risk a confrontation because I’ve been saving up three years worth.</p>
<p>I am with everyone who says to let him skip it.</p>
<p>I hate graduations and would not want to be there just for all the boring pomp and circumstance, no pun intended.</p>
<p>And your son has a much better reason than I ever had.</p>
<p>You describe how maturely he’s coped with the situation. Surely he deserves the reward of deciding whether or not he wants to be there.</p>
<p>If he was not making progress and you felt it was character building, that would be one situation. But you say he has made good progress, so by all means, let him do with the day as he likes.</p>
<p>When my kid was that age it would have been a movie and Italian food. More well rounded kids might prefer an outdoor activity since it is a beautiful time of the year.</p>
<p>BTW: I did skip all of mine except when I received my PhD. My advisor said she’d never speak to me again if I didn’t attend. Wasn’t worth it. But then a photographer snapped me yawning and it appeared in all the papers around here, including a big one. Just my luck.</p>
<p>I have never regretted any one I missed.</p>
<p>Now my job requires me to attend other graduations. Yuck.</p>
<p>Zoozermom,I’m glad your son found music. Let me tell you, it was the saving grace for my D thru middle school and high school. It gives kids a sense of identity that they sorely need. They are musicians. They have guts and they have talent. Here is something you might want to frame and hang in your sons room:</p>
<p><a href=“Holytaco”>www.holytaco.com/these-men-are-called-musicians/</a></p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I was just thinking that. Still do whatever celebratory thing you would have done after the ceremony - cake, dinner out, or whatever.</p>
<p>As a long time band parent and a current conductor of musicians, I tend to think it’s a shame that your son will be letting down the band, the band director and others in attendance who had nothing to do with making his experience at the school so bad. Of course I do not know all the story, nor do I need to. You and your son must make this decision and I personally want you both to feel great about it, either way.</p>
<p>My tendency, though is to encourage children and young adults to live up to their obligations, and that is a very valuable lesson and a responsibility when one is a member of any performing ensemble. Not showing up for events, rehearsals or performances when it’s uncomfortable, inconvenient, or just too much trouble (not implying you are being cavalier about this—but that DOES happen all too often!!) is just not fair to the other members of the performing group or to the director. </p>
<p>Plus, I think your son would justifiably feel very proud of himself for living up to his obligations AND for facing this jerk of an administrator and being the “better man” in the situation. A very valuable lesson, indeed.</p>
<p>I agree with skipping. And is it really a “graduation” with a diploma if you are legally required to attend?</p>
<p>I would let him skip it. However if Mr. diploma shook his hand and your son happenned to have a hand buzzer, that would also be fine with me.</p>
<p>
I totally agree with you in theory. We’re big believers in living up to commitments. However, in this situation it would be hard to impart that lesson. The last run-in my son had with this man was because my son and a few other musicians had committed to an inter-school ensemble that was playing in Carnegie Hall. This was a school-sanctioned and sponsored program. Two days before the dress rehearsal for that performance (which had been set more than 6 months in advance), the AP held a political dog and pony show for a local political candidate in the school at night. He decided on two days’ notice that the top musicians/dancers/singers from the arts magnet school were required to perform for that politician on pain of failing their performance class. We explained politely (no, really) that those kids had a prior commitment and hadn’t agreed to participate in this political event, and expected the AP to be reasonable about it. He wasn’t and we went to war. He has absolutely no interest in commitments or obligations and said so to my son and his classmates in quite colorful language.</p>
<p>That sucks, Zoose. And I completely understand the impetus to kind of stick it to this guy by not showing up for the graduation. But won’t he also be making his band director and the other kids suffer consequences which they don’t “deserve”?</p>
<p>Just my two cents. I REALLY don’t want to come across as all preachy. You will make the right choice for you and yours, of that I am certain.</p>
<p>
You’re not coming across as preachy at all. You’re helping me work through this.</p>
<p>His intention isn’t to stick it to the AP. He is just not sure he can emotionally handle such a public interaction. During the worst of the problems last year he wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping and had major anxiety attacks because of that man. He is now in a great place but really bothered by the thought of having to interact with him in front of hundreds of people.</p>
<p>If he stays home, he will definitely alert the band director. His absence will be a gap, but it’s a middle school band, so not the end of the world. I’m still hoping that when it gets closer (the graduation is in two weeks) my son will smell his freedom and his difficulties won’t have as much power over him as he thinks they will.</p>
<p>Well, I completely understand. I hope and pray he can work through this and come out stronger on the other end of it, no matter what his decision ends up being!</p>
<p>Best to you—great job, Mom!</p>
<p>Would it be insulting if I assume that with or without your son, the band will sound like a middle school band, only a bit worse if he is absent? All I can go on is how my junior high band sounded, and how the band at my kids’ middle school sounded. There may be fabulous players but a few fabulous players cannot prevent that “middle school band” sound. Seems like his absence wouldn’t take the band from New York Philharmonic to middle school band, but more likely from decent middle school band to slighly worse middle school band.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>LOL, cross posted.</p>
<p>The inter-school ensemble he played in was amazing. Really something special, but his school band is a NYC public school band. Some amazing musicians who have every opportunity for great lessons, camps and instruments. Most don’t even own an instrument of their own and don’t have the opportunity to practice or learn outside of school. My son gives lessons to the kids who play his instrument on his lunch hour so their section sounds good, but most of the kids are wonderful kids who don’t play very well. And they sound like it.</p>
<p>“Plus, I think your son would justifiably feel very proud of himself for living up to his obligations AND for facing this jerk of an administrator and being the “better man” in the situation. A very valuable lesson, indeed.”</p>
<p>That sentence says it all. He would be letting the band down and that is not acceptable, so he does need to live up to his obligations. And when he gets his diploma and realizes he is the “better man”, he will be empowered. Not to face his demons could set a pattern of behavior that he may find tough to break.</p>
<p>I think it depends on how much psychological damage is inflicted with attending and having to receive the diploma from the abuser.</p>
<p>In theory, yes, I agree, being the bigger person and not letting down band mates is best. </p>
<p>But is it not going to do irreparable damage to anyone in the band or the band leader, but it might do damage to the boy.</p>
<p>The motivation of sticking it to the AP is not to be supported, but I believe that this is definitely not the motivation.</p>
<p>It is entirely acceptable to protect oneself from abuse when one can. We can’t always, but when we can, I think that is also a moral good.</p>
<p>The self is real and can be injured.</p>
<p>I am worked with victims and written Congressional legislation for victims rights and this is one thing I’ve learned.</p>
<p>You may say that this is a tempest in a teapot, but I can’t be the judge of that from where I sit. So yes, in the situation described, I would let my kid decide. Perhaps it’s best to explain what could be gained by attending, but I would not be the one to force the issue.</p>
<p>Just one more observation from here:</p>
<p>The way the middle school band will sound is not the issue. It’s the fact that this is an ensemble which, by definition, is dependent upon every single member functioning as an artistic whole. And to me, the fact that Zoose’s son has stepped forward and given lessons to other kids is even more of an indicator that he is seen as a leader in this group. </p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong: I KNOW Zoose and her son will make the right call here. It’s just that I get the impression that her son (if he decides to do it), when all is said and done, will gain HUGE positive lessons from this and will be glad he did it. If he does not attend and play with his peers in the band, then I can’t help but think he might secretly feel a little bad about that. Or at the very least, inclined to maybe feel a need to justify himself if any of the other band members ask him why he was not there…</p>
<p>I think that a young man who has had a blow sufficient to warrant counseling and has weathered the storm is mature enough to make this decision himself.</p>
<p>It speaks (volumes) favorably of his relationship with you that he would feel comfortable in making his wishes known to you rather than keep quite while in emotional turmoil.</p>
<p>It is fabulous that he has the new private school experience to look forward to next year. I would see this as closure.</p>
<p>If only the graduates march in (including graduates who are in the band), the remainder of the band must already be seated. He could take his seat with the band when the band enters the venue, not wearing graduation regalia, and play his instrument. Just a thought.</p>