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Hoosiermom, the graduating bandmembers don’t march in, they play for the other graduates in their caps and gowns. I posted this earlier, but it must have slipped through. There is no question in my mind that the AP would physically drag my son up onto the stage. That’s the kind of man he is and I have to tell you that if he puts his hand on my son there will be blood shed. His.</p>
<p>07Dad, thanks for the kind words. Very much appreciated.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if your son’s ultimate decision is to attend, make sure someone at that lawfirm you work for is on call to post bail and PLEASE post the date of the ceremony so we can be googling for “NY–middle school mother kicks AP’s arse at son’s graduation.”</p>
<p>Puh-leeze! It’s middle school, people!</p>
<p>Your kid and his mental condition is your #1 priority. If you’re saying he needed counseling from what that darn school did to him, holy cow, how can this even be a question?!</p>
<p>His “mentor” should understand, given the circumstances. Believe me, nobody in the middle school band will be scarred for life from this. From the tone of your description, your kid may not be so lucky. </p>
<p>Let him leave that whole mess behind him as soon as possible.</p>
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</p>
<p>Or to threaten a retaliatory suit against the school and the jerky admin for harassing and actions causing such suffering for her son…along with possible bad PR for forcing kids to perform in a partisan political event. </p>
<p>If he decides to go…parental encouragement for him to prank that admin is more than called for…whether a joke buzzer with much juice…or using his musical talents/leadership to prank the jerky admin when he marches on stage. Some musical selection ideas:</p>
<p>Darth Vader March(Imperial March)</p>
<p>Send in the Clowns</p>
<p>Orpheus in the Underworld(a.k.a. Can Can song)</p>
<p>American Idiot</p>
<p>We’re not gonna take it</p>
<p>etc…etc…</p>
<p>Wow, caps and gowns for middle school “graduation?” And I thought my kid’s middle school graduation was over the top.</p>
<p>I guess the only other question is…is school over? Is performing at graduation a participation grade for his band class and will it hurt him academically to miss it. Hope not…if he can’t perform and not be involved in actual graduation, I think I’d skip it.</p>
<p>"Would you force your kid to go to middle school graduation if he politely told you why he didn’t want to go and had done everything asked of him in getting to that point?</p>
<p>Absolutely not! Ask him what HE wants to do that day to celebrate. And do it!</p>
<p>"I think he’ll remember middle school as a bad experience that he survived, and the fact that you took him out privately to celebrate rather than making him participate in one more activity related to that bad experience will stick in his mind as demonstration that you always had his back. "
^^ this!!!
could not have said it better!</p>
<p>Side with your Son and let it be his decision. He’s a musician and knows his band. He needs to do what is best for him and his mental health. He and you have to do what’s best for him.</p>
<p>As someone else said, It’s middle school, for goodness sake. It will not matter the day after, the year after or anytime whether he was there or not. What matters is how he feels about his decision.</p>
<p>If he was sick and could not attend, they would do fine without him. Don’t make this about the school or the band. Make it about what it should be about–your Son and what he needs to move on from this terrible situation.</p>
<p>“There is no question in my mind that the AP would physically drag my son up onto the stage.”</p>
<p>If he does, I believe that would be assault and battery – not just civilly, but criminally. And I would pay good money to see that, if your son were prepped in advance to go limp like a civil rights protestor. Would he do it if S were not wearing the cap and gown, and made clear in advance that he is only present in the role of 7th-grade band member?</p>
<p>You have not only my sympathy but my empathy. I had a similar drama when my HS pushed me to walk at graduation even though I wasn’t graduating. I didn’t want to engage in a charade that I had finished when I didn’t. We agreed in advance that I would only come to graduation on condition that they didn’t give me the empty diploma case that is standard in those circumstances. The headmaster and dean agreed that they would call my name and just shake my hand to acknowledge my membership in the class.</p>
<p>Well, I walked up there, put out my hand, and they put the empty diploma case in it. In that second, I had to make a decision – throw it at them for reneging on the deal, or accept it because there were 70 other kids on stage actually graduating, and it wasn’t my show to steal? I took it and sat down. But I was enraged. I probably should have just skipped it, period.</p>
<p>Let him skip. But I think it would be polite to tell the band director that he won’t be there. (If the director sees a problem, maybe he/she knows a former student–like a 9th grader-- who can play in his place.)
My S just skipped his HS graduation with parental approval. (School called us to try to talk him into going since they had nearly 100% of 400+ class members attending). S didn’t have a bad experience in high school. He was an excellent student. He just didn’t feel “part of the class” and thought the ceremony would be boring/pointless. Doesn’t like sappy, sentimental stuff. It was fine. Our family went out to dinner, S picked up his diploma at the school the next day.</p>
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I promise I will warn you in advance! Funny thing is that I’m very small and the AP is smaller than I.</p>
<p>I heard that the kids receive report cards and are done at graduation, but I’m skeptical since they don’t actually finish school until the following week. I guess I need to find that out before a decision is made because I don’t want him to hurt his grade.</p>
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I love the way you think! Seriously, though, I guess I better discuss that possibility with him.</p>
<p>Is there any way he can go to the beginning, play the pomp & circumstances and subtly leave the building after he played? Yeah, there would be a march out tune, too, but no one is really paying attention to that.</p>
<p>Or heck, if he wants to make a statement, play the music, then walk out right down the center aisle before the diplomas.</p>
<p>He could make his statement that way, live up to the band obligation, but avoid the AP. I can think of some school staffers who really messed with my kid’s head and I would not want to subject the kids to their presence unnecessarily. My nearly 30 DD still makes a face when one HS staffer who plagued her is mentioned. If you have not seen the petty level to which an adult professional can sink, just because of a power play, it is difficult to believe. I thought adults in education were there to make things better for all kids, not so in all cases.</p>
<p>True story…</p>
<p>The rabbi at a temple we once belonged to did not get along with my middle school son. He made my son’s life absolutely miserable during bar mitzvah preparation…he basically wanted to dictate my son’s D’var Torah and my son totally disagreed with him as to the topic suggested by his portion (Jacob’s fight with the angel). Rabbi kept insisting on a Superman theme because the movie had just come out, and my son had his own ideas on developing his lesson. Of course, the D’var Torah is supposed to be the child’s product. We attended one session, but after that it was supposed to be just our son and the rabbi. When our son complained to us that the rabbi would not drop the Superman idea, we emailed him to see if we could help them come to a meeting of the minds, and the rabbi basically told us that things were ok, and that it was supposed to be between the two of them as a growth experience for the bar mitzvah student. </p>
<p>After a while it seemed that my son and the rabbi sort of mutually avoided each other. The two months before the bar mitzvah the two of them did not even meet. The rabbi never spoke to my husband or me either.</p>
<p>My son was preparing with the designated bar mitzvah tutor and also with a family friend who is an ordained but not practicing rabbi. He had always loved Jewish ritual and had always looked forward to his bar mitzvah…</p>
<p>He did a beautiful job, running the entire service and doing the entire Torah and Haftorah readings. And then came his beautiful D’var Torah…his own ideas, sophisticated, beautifully delivered and supported…we were so proud.</p>
<p>And then at the end when he did his “thank yous”…the usual to his family, his family friend rabbi, his bar mitzvah tutor, the cantorial soloist…ummmm, he just skipped mentioning the rabbi.</p>
<p>I didn’t even notice the omission right away.</p>
<p>After speaking, my son went and sat down in his seat on the bimah.</p>
<p>I thought he had just forgotten to shake hands with the other people up on the bimah (rabbi, cantor, pres of brotherhood, pres of congregation)</p>
<p>As soon as the service was over, before I could catch up with him, the rabbi had cornered him and was screaming at him in public…</p>
<p>And that was when I first realized my little 13 year old had deliberately left out the rabbi, and not shaken hands on the bimah because he was afraid it might cause a scene…</p>
<p>my son looked at him and said " I didn’t have much to thank you for. You didn’t help me write my d’var Torah or anything else, and I didn’t want to tell a lie on the bimah."</p>
<p>My son had never let on to me that he was going to do this.</p>
<p>But like zoosermom’s son, he had definite negative feelings about the entire experience, and didn’t want to go along with the charade that all was wonderful.</p>
<p>Two years later (another son’s bar mitzvah, with a different rabbi----that one had not had his contract renewed…apparently we had not been the only family who had problems with him) it came out that he had run his ideas past his brothers and of course they thought it a great idea…</p>
<p>Tough call. Does the therapist have advise? </p>
<p>My son was a top hs jazz musician. We accidentally scheduled a college trip that conflicted with a Thursday night concert (the prior teacher did the Wed nights). It’s 2 years later, and I still feel bad about it. No biggie about the B grade that quarter, which knocked him out of top 5%. But I still lament the impact to the band and the teacher. Yea, I know the ms graduation band is a more mellow situation… just wanted to share my thoughts because believe it or not I was kicking myself over it again last weekend.</p>
<p>well, with the explanation in this thread, I would not make him go.</p>
<p>It would be nice if you could see if he can work out a compromise that he can play pomp and circumstance when the people are walking in, and then slip out a side door? I have a lot of issues with missing a performance, (played all through college, and now teach at a HS marching band in the falls as a hobby / part time job), but if the only options are miss or shake the AP’s hand… in this case I would miss.</p>
<p>I think the AP should be held in detention and miss the graduation!</p>
<p>I vote for skipping the graduation too. Only thing, if his grades would be affected, then check first. Explain the situation with the band director and find out about grades then too.</p>
<p>I would be concerned with forcing a kid to go because otherwise he would “let down” the band and its director. With all due respect to Churchmusicmom, and others who made statements about honoring commitments, I do not agree at all that this is a commitment that must be honored to be a good person or to have adequate respect for the group.</p>
<p>I firmly believe that preserving one’s mental or physical health trumps any group’s perceived “need” to have the individual present. If you broke your leg, don’t play football on it. We see that years later, many professional athletes really have suffered physically because they played on steriods and painkillers. Mental health is equally important. If it would be too much emotionally, it would be too much emotionally for the kid. Period. End of Discussion. Let him decide. He sounds mature, and that he understands the risks/rewards. In fact, I think giving him a guilt trip about his commitment to the band is just that - a guilt trip, not of benefit to the kid. He will certainly know that he is missing playing with the band, and I would bet money (not alot) that he wishes he did not have to make the choice. If he comes around on his own fine, but if not, so be it.</p>
<p>I will go out on a limb here, but if you have a concern about his grades being affected by not being there - call in sick. Heartsick is a sickness.</p>
<p>I hate it when “educators” actually are damaging to children. I’ve seen a few too. I am sorry that your son and your family had to suffer.</p>
<p>P.S. to boysx3 - how horrible of that rabbi. Yet another person put in a position of trust with children who betrayed that trust. Good for your son.</p>
<p>My father’s motto was “illegitimi non carborundum” (don’t let the bastards grind you down). He said it early and often when any of us were in difficult situations and needed to choose how to react to someone. </p>
<p>Your son needs help in choosing how to react to this situation. Will he look back in a few years and say “I wish I’d gone to graduation to show that person s/he couldn’t damage me” or will he say “I’m glad I skipped graduation”? I expect you know which of these it is.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the information, insight and advice. As it stands now (we still have over a week), he is going to talk to the band director, who is the most gracious gentleman and ask what he thinks. My son still says he is not going and my husband and I told him last night that he has up till 7:30 am on the morning of graduation to decide if he wants to go and then it’s up to him unless it will affect his grade. We did promise that if he ends up going, we will practice walking across the stage and shaking hands so he will feel more comfortable. I’m sure the AP will behave, but we told son that we have his back if there is even the smallest bit of a problem.</p>
<p>They have been having assemblies every day for the last week where the AP screams at them about how the kids better not embarrass him because he can’t trust them. This kind of thing makes my son incredibly anxious and I don’t think it’s necessary. One of his classmates was killed a week ago in a freak accident and you’d think the AP would have a better sense of priorities than further traumatizing these kids. At least I would think that. Based on no prior evidence with this man.</p>