<p>Oh, I wouldn’t even hesitate on this one. A lot of boys don’t really care much about ceremonies anyway (mine never did). Let it go. It’s all so . . . “middle school”!</p>
<p>^Some grief counseling (not). Obviously the guy lacks sensitivity. </p>
<p>Back in the day (dinosaur ages) when I was in HS and junior high, the Assistant Principal was also the “disciplinarian”. According to my older brother (really prehistoric), he was personally paddled by the AP in junior high - corporal punishment was not illegal I guess. The JH guy was a troglodyte, and the HS one was even worse. Someone spray painted on the outside of the gym that he was a “secret agent wino”. Although I never even spoke to guy, I knew of his “reputation” as well. You might say that the spray painter was a maladjusted criminal, but I tend to think it was probably a kid who was abused by the AP. We will never know.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, about this grade thing, I guess you should try to find out the facts, but would it really make a difference in the end? The middle school grades do not go on the HS transcript for college. What if someone is sick the day of the graduation? My own D just graduated HS from a small school where she knows all of the class, and there were many “required” events prior to graduation. One or more people missed each and every one, according to D. They all got the diploma anyway (to that they all showed.)</p>
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He has a giant, prestigious music scholarship to a school people like us can only dream about and we can’t let them see a bad music grade on his final report card. That would raise questions and red flags that we don’t need to deal with. If it were any other subject we wouldn’t care in the least.</p>
<p>This guy (the AP) sounds like a royal jerk. Again, I KNOW you and your son will make the right call on this. Your son is an amazing and talented young man who has supportive parents. He will come out on the other side stronger and wiser, regardless of his decision. </p>
<p>People in authority can be and often are royal jerks like this guy, and you cannot control or change them (in almost all cases). All you can do is make sure your reaction to them and to those circumstances is the one you want to carry with you for the rest of your life. Though this is the sort “lesson” you hate for any kid to have to learn, much less your own, since there is so much pain and stress involved, I truly believe (and I am sure you know) he will be wise beyond his years for having learned it. </p>
<p>Zoose, I appreciate your asking our advice and opinion here, and I hope you know we have YOUR back on this! And I hope your precious family, in particular your son, does not loose any more sleep over this–that you have peace about whatever decision you reach.</p>
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Thank you so much. It means more to me than I can tell you.</p>
<p>I usually post things when I get so inside my own head that I need to know if I’ve lost my mind or there really is an issue to be decided! Sometimes I’m just a crazy old lady.</p>
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<p>You and your husband are giving your son a great gift–parents working together to deal with issues about their child.</p>
<p>I agree that there needs to be a consideration about the impact if any on the private. Is there any way you feel comfortable with to determine if the private would have a concern if your son did not participate even if there is some negative impact on your son’s grade/conduct on his transcript?</p>
<p>Well, if the AP is hollering every day, someone should video them and post to youtube (after graduation). That person probably needs to be on some kind of mood stabilizer.</p>
<p>If this were my kid, I would have him write a letter explaining every incident that upset him, every insult, and every reason why he will/will not attend graduation. Specifically begin the letter with the ‘will/will not’ phrase, and allow crossing out of one or the other phrase later so he can work through his feelings now. Address it to the band director, perhaps. I am not saying mail this letter, but I am saying that writing this stuff down can be theraputic. (My kid, who bore inustices and insults via teasing, could let stuff go after doing this, even though the letter never left us).</p>
<p>Then if he leaves ‘will not’, he can give the band director the letter when you meet with him.</p>
<p>If this was my last kid at this school, I most certainly would meet with the principal after your kid is out of there to complain.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Do you think it could be arranged that the AP’s garbage pickup at his residence becomes, err–erratic, after actual graduation???</p>
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I’m not sure. I hadn’t even considered that aspect until it was brought up here. I’ve been very busy wringing my hands! The music director at the private knows that this AP is a maniac, so it would probably be doable. I think the first best thing is to talk to the music director. He is a fine man and would likely understand. He thinks the AP is insane, too. He also knows my son really well and has seen him respond to the screaming and name calling. The band director happens to be gay and totally understands that there are different ways to be a boy and a man, whether straight or gay, which don’t involve abusing other people.</p>
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Would you believe my son got put in his academy because my husband grew up with him? He was warned (hubby) by the moms on the playground to stay away from this guy, but he knew best and the trouble started the first week of school. As I said in the OP, my son’s reaction to the behavior was immature and unhelpful (he was 11 at the time), but he was not the catalyst for any of what happened. </p>
<p>We also have mutual friends with this guy. When my son is safely out of the school I am going to go off on him.</p>
<p>Only other comment. I agree in principle with having son speak to band director. However, if there is any chance that he doesn’t realize there are issues with AP or how deeply it has really affected your son, I think I would give him a heads up phone call. Otherwise he may try to, in all good faith, to convince your son to play and some kids with manners drilled into their heads will only protest so far and your son might back off and feel more trapped than before. You don’t have to tell your son you’re doing this, the fact that he is willing to talk to the band director shows maturity and is a great learning experience…just be sure his has a safety net!</p>
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This is great advice. Thank you.</p>
<p>Sounds like your son has made a great decision! During graduation I’d take to family out to celebrate.</p>
<p>I would not worry about the music grade. There’s no reason to think this will be an issue. I think you’re just borrowing trouble here.</p>
<p>I would have son speak to the music director, just so he’s not surprised. It sounds like the this is a large orchestra he’s in, so they will be able to play processional without him.</p>
<p>What is it about asst principals (and counselors) in middle school? I almost ripped the head off one at my son’s school (if my husband hadn’t restrained me).</p>
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I would really like to know that. I’ve always heard that middle school is particularly tough, but I had no idea it was because there are some difficult administrators.</p>
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<p>I was thinking the same thing. My parents had to get their attorney involved with mine when I was in 7th grade, he ended up “retiring” and getting a new job at the high school. Thank heavens he’d retired for real before I got there.</p>
<p>Good luck, Zoosermom. I am sure it helps your son a lot to know you have his back… that tells him that’s it’s not anything wrong with him that makes the AP act like a jerk.</p>
<p>I bet the back story about Zooserdad and the AP is “epic.”</p>
<p>Nah, 07Dad, he’s married to a relative of my husband. What is epic is the blame I’ve heaped on my husband since I found out from the other moms that he wouldn’t listen to them in selecting my son’s placement. Since I was at work and not hanging with the ladies on the playground I wasn’t a party to this information. On my husband’s deathbed (may he live to 100) I will remind him that this is ALL HIS FAULT. (Sort of tongue in cheek.)</p>
<p>This AP is the same guy who the year before my son came to the school refused to change the class of another geeky music kid (see a pattern?) who was bullied to the point of being beaten up right outside the school gates and had his testicle ruptured.</p>
<p>Here is my theory - at least in the public school setting. Teachers in our state still get a pension. A pretty nice pension, at that. They have to teach for 30 years. Can you imagine dealing with middle school kids for 30 years? My theory is that at some point around 20-25 years, some of them flip out - they can’t stand it anymore. But rather than put in for a transfer or leave the pension behind, they stick it out for the full 30. That is when the science teacher stops teaching and starts giving the kids workbook pages to complete. That is when a guy, after 28 years of lunch duty, tells the kids that they are going to Hell and that they are so bad that Jesus will not forgive them. Et cetera.</p>
<p>Even if a pension is not on the line, it can be hard to change careers. A lot of people who have no business being around kids stick with it, just because it’s a job.</p>
<p>I’m not criticizing teachers in general. But I think they have a bell curve of competence, just like everyone else…a few fabulous, many average, a few terrible. The terrible ones can do a lot of damage and the tenure and pension systems make it hard to leave.</p>
<p>THis particular guy really and truly thinks he is doing the right thing. He is from the school of thought that men have to be tough and mark their territory and that sort of thing. Boys who aren’t that way drive him nuts and he feels it’s his responsibility to toughen them up.</p>
<p>Teachers who leave the profession before they reach retirement age don’t leave their pension behind, as long as they are vested (which usually happens in the first 5 to 10 years of teaching). They just stop accruing years of service and can’t retire until they reach retirement age. Nothing stops them from seeking another job until that time.</p>
<p>Teachers, like any of us, have an ethical responsibility to stop doing a job that they are no longer competent to perform. We shouldn’t have to rely upon regulations to enforce that.</p>