<p>I would not force my kid to go to graduation, if he requested politely or screamed at me for that, it would not matter to me. C’mon, middle school graduation? You are very lucky that he does not want to go, congrats!! D. went to hers, she had 4 kids in her 8th grade, really bad social situation, begged us several times to pull her from this school, but it was not a point really. She just went without any thinking, it really does not matter one way or another, there is NO issue whatsoever, many more important events are in a future, this one is irrelevant.</p>
<p>There are times when you should tell your kid to suck it up and deal with it, and times when you need to stand behind them and support them in turning their back on a bad situation. This looks to clearly fall in the second category. The negatives of not attending are trivial (assuming it doesn’t actually torpedo his scholarship, which seems unlikely) and given your son’s reasonable feelings in the matter I think you should support him. Sometimes giving in to a jerk isn’t being responsible, it’s just enabling the jerk. I’m sure the other band members will understand.</p>
<p>I say you support your son. His decision isn’t a bad one, and he doesn’t need to be taught a “lesson” by having you make him go. The statement he makes by not attending is entirely appropriate, and his feelings are valid.</p>
<p>ZM - I hope that you get past all this. And then when your DS is safely moved on to hs I hope you find a way to get some attention to the AP’s destructive nature. It would be great if no more kiddos got terrorized. </p>
<p>In this terrible saga, I do like the way that OP’s son is communicating with parents. That’s great!</p>
<p>I have a different take. While i would say nah, don’t go the band will survive, there is something to be said for owning your life, walking up there with pride and saying you know what, no matter what, I did it!!! I made it and I will do great!!! And then getting congrats from the people who matter, the pictures with the famiy.</p>
<p>There is something empowering about stepping up to the people you hate and them having to give you something you earned, that diploma. To this day i send an annual to the middle school my doughtier went to bragging. It feels awesome, but my daughter doesn’t care</p>
<p>So while I wouldn’t push, i would also ppint out the advantage and power of looking at the mean people and shutting that door on your own terms, and they see they have no more control.</p>
<p>So either way the ops son has the right to make this decision. And either way it will be a distant memory. </p>
<p>And I am not one to push a kid into the lions den. However, if the kid has friends in the class, and parents of those friends he likes, and a teacher who helped him or in the ops case a great band director, there is something to be said for going to the ceremony for them. Thanking them. Saying goodbye. Celebrating moving on. While the school ap was a complete jerk, there were some good people I imagine who would love the chance to congratulate zoosermms son. So maybe have that conversation. </p>
<p>And me, soon as my kid walked onto that high school campus, I would rip that ap a new one and let lose with my take n what a complete failure the ap is.</p>
<p>First of all, zm, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. My DS graduated from 8th grade last week in a beautiful and touching ceremony. The kids in his graduating class (very small school) are already having a get-together tonight. I wish that your DS’ MS experience had been better, but it sounds as if he has come out of it stronger, thanks to you. </p>
<p>I am somewhat concerned about the fact that there is another week of school after graduation, and therefore opportunities for the AP to “punish” him or take revenge in some way. You already know from the political incident that he has the power to change grades. I am wondering whether he would be so angry that he would unleash a tirade on your son. He is already angry and heavily invested in the graduation, from what you’ve posted.</p>
<p>I agree with others that your son should have the right to decide whether or not to attend graduation. I am sorry that the band performance is tied to this, because the AP will cause a scene if he sees him playing but not coming up to get his diploma. Seahorserock (#85) makes some good points about friends, teachers, the band director, etc. Graduation is a time to be with them, to say good-bye and thank you.</p>
<p>I am also very conscious these days of the way many children are abused in our society. At one end of the spectrum, there are the Sandusky (alleged) victims testifying about their shattered lives. So many people have posted here about abusive MS faculty and staff. I can add that when my older son was in MS, the school psychologist confided to me that when the MS faculty/staff was attending a conference on bullying, she thought that the bullies were there in the room (i.e., certain members of the MS faculty). There were a couple of awful male teachers, really awful. So I am wondering about the best way to protect your son from further damage at the AP’s hands.</p>
<p>I am leaning toward suggesting that your son be “sick” on graduation day. I don’t feel good about this, because it is the weak way out. And what if someone sees your family out celebrating? </p>
<p>I am afraid that if your son does anything other than attend and participate, the AP will have a week to retaliate.</p>
<p>Oh, and a classmate was killed last week? How awful! I can’t believe that the school staff are doing anything other than trying to support the kids through this.</p>
<p>ZM - How are things going this week? I’m hoping you’ve found a good solution.</p>
<p>The graduation is Friday. We told him he has until 7:30 am the day of to decide. If not, hubby and I are going to take him to Max Brenner for lunch and then his sisters and boyfrends ae going to take him bowling. His grades are excellent and so is his behavior, so it’s his decision.</p>
<p>We saw my SIL over the weekend and her kids graduated from there. She said the graduation is typically a miserable experience of long-winded speeches and poorly behaved spectators.</p>
<p>Most graduations are sooo dull and tedious. So I don’t blame him. But I am also of the mind to encourage him to walk up to that stage proudly and grab that diploma and frankly not give them any excuses for them to say, told you so, that kid was a problem from…</p>
<p>So there are a couple of plusses to just going and getting thru it.</p>
<p>My daughter had a mean seventh grade teacher. When my daughter got the same teacher we knew how to play the game to get thru it and protect her from the vindictiveness of this woman. When my daughters got their diplomas and then walked away, they were able to close that book and start a new one never looking back. </p>
<p>I would worry about them wanting proof of illness, withholding diploma just to be irksome and mean. I dont know if I would risk i, sad to say. Sometimes making a point can have unwanted and undeserved consequences.</p>
<p>Do they get diplomas in eighth grade? Neither of my kids (who went to different middle schools) got diplomas. There was no calling of names/walking across a stage. I guess it’s not a huge deal here. DH didn’t even come to S1’s middle sch. grad. It was mid-morning on a work day sitting on bleachers in a hot gymnasium…miserable. </p>
<p>All the moms of S1’s friends took the guys out to eat at a Japanese steak house afterward. That was all they really cared about.</p>
<p>I’m late to this thread, but just read through it and I have to say I agree with the posters here to let your S skip it if he wants. </p>
<p>It sounds like he’s been emotionally abused by this guy, and it would be the wrong lesson to teach him if you make him show up and keep up appearances in an abusive situation. I realize that my language here is strong, but I think, from your description, appropriate. We send our kids subtle and overt message their whole lives about respecting themselves and whether or not they have any say in how other people treat them. He needs to have some bit of empowerment in this situation, and the last thing I would want to force my kid to do is ignore how he feels and participate in going through the motions of normal when everything under the surface is dysfunctional. </p>
<p>And as far as band goes - of course the band director needs to know up front, but honestly, the middle school band will survive.</p>
<p>“She said the graduation is typically a miserable experience of long-winded speeches and poorly behaved spectators.”</p>
<p>True of many such ceremonies. The worst ones I’ve ever experienced were my sister’s white-coat ceremony in medical school and my own bar swearing-in. Some speakers have no shame, or else a pathological inability to think from the audience’s point of view.</p>
<p>That is so true Hanna. I am secretly not that sorry that he doesn’t want to go. I just don’t get making such a fuss over middle school unless there is no expectation of a further graduation.</p>
<p>I was in a slightly similar situation when my high school situation. I disliked my high school strongly as well as the person handing me my diploma. The only reason I went to graduation after telling my parents why I didn’t want to go was to make my mother happy. </p>
<p>I graduated in the top 25 (one of the first names called) and wanted to ditch to ruin the procession alignment just to “rebel” against the school and my principal. I ended up going and still question why I didn’t skip.</p>
<p>MS graduations can be a lot of fun if done right, especially for kids that enjoyed their years there. In general I like the idea… and our quick evening ms event inside was lots more comfortable than the long, sunny hs ceremonies. In your DS’s situation I understand your reluctance.</p>
<p>Zoo-
Hope you and your family have a wonderful day celebrating his liberation from that school, [ and hope its FAR, FAR AWAY away from that dreaded ceremony!]</p>
<p>He should be allowed to miss.</p>
<p>Zoosermom- Graduation cermony or no? Curious what the final decision was, and what you did to celebrate the day!</p>
<p>07Dad just pointed out that I had forgotten to post an update, so here it is (with my apologies)</p>
<p>He did not go to the graduation and, since he won several major awards, his absence was noticed. He has had a long road to reach this level of maturity – we seriously wondered if he should have been held back because he didn’t seem to be living up to his potential. In the winter he received a scholarship to the high school he really wanted to attend and that seems to have simutaneously made him believe he is good enough and to push him to get ready for high school. </p>
<p>He won the top music award, one of the top subject awards, the second level award of another subject and graduated wth high honors. I can’t imagine how.</p>
<p>The most meaningful part of the whole experience came the morning after the graduation when his teachers called to tell us and him how much they had missed him and how special he is. One of his teachers gave me some incredible advice for his education going forward. I always joked about my kids that the teachers always say great things about them and I’m never sure if they’ve actually met my kids. Well this year, his teachers really took the time to get to know the sensitive,witty, insightful, funny kid under the scruffy hair and dirty hands. </p>
<p>We all feel very blessed.</p>
<p>On to high school!!</p>