<p>I have a 5th grade daughter. I am interested in learning from your wisdom. While your children are applying for colleges now, have you ever thought, “I wish I did this for my child 5 or 7 years ago etc.” What advice would you give to parents of middle school children?</p>
<p>I am glad I did NOT make the mistake I almost made: When choosing HS Freshman courses, I feared that all Honors courses would be too much for my S. Luckily, another parent assured me that he could handle it. I had no idea how important “strength of schedule” is once applying to college (of course, this only applies if your child is strong academically. I’m not saying to inappropriately push a child whose strenghts lie elsewhere).</p>
<p>My advice is to help her find her passion, and realize that it can change a lot over the next few years. Is she a sports person, a music person, a fencing person, a debate person, a writing person, a ______ person?? In addition to academics, I think colleges look for people who are involved in an activity they really enjoy. And I think parents can play a huge role in this by helping them find - and then supporting activities. And don’t be too discouraged when those interests change; that’s normal.</p>
<p>And I would add to digmedia’s concept: don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t seem that she “stands out” in her areas of interest. My S never appeared to be a “top gun” in his interest, which was music. There was always someone who won a higher award, etc. But by the time college apps came around, he had built up years of experience (and enjoyment) in symphonic band, jazz band and his own classic rock band. His jazz band did have some award winning performances, but more importantly, he spoke of the role music had played in his life in his essays. It was from the heart and it came through.</p>
<p>digmedia, I love your advice. Kids’ interests do evolve, as they discover ideas, talents, or opportunities that they never knew about before.</p>
<p>I have a slightly different take than Jmmom’s - I think it is very important to consider how your child handles stress when setting them on track for their high school curriculum. Some kids thrive on the toughest curriculum (my son is one example); others (like my daughter) don’t do as well with the pressure and are perhaps served better by a more realistic schedule, regardless of whether or not it means they won’t get into a top-ranked college.</p>
<p>I have also learned the hard way that you can’t pressure your kids into performing up to your standards. Motivation can not be forced, it is born. You can encourage them to do well, but at a certain point, you have to relinquish the reigns and accept that it is THEIR life and they are the ones who will have to live with the consequences in terms of college and life choices down the road. </p>
<p>I think the biggest thing I would have done differently is not to try to micro-manage my daughter’s academic life. I would have given her more room to make her own choices and mistakes and not felt so awful when things didn’t work out the way I planned for her.</p>
<p>Finally, It doesn’t mean you are a horrible person if your kids aren’t stars academically, athletically, or in other ways. Some kids are just good kids and that is more than enough.</p>
<p>I find the whole college process fascinating, but I don’t think it matters where you go to college as long as you go.
I would let my kids be kids as long as I could. That period of their lives doesn’t last long.
I wouldn’t put that much pressure on them. Society does that enough.
I would love who they are.
I wouldn’t try to make them something they are not.
I would enjoy them.
I wouldn’t worry about the college thing.
They are going to turn out fine.</p>
<p>I don’t think I would have changed very much when it came to my kids, regarding academics and other aspects of the educational lives. We did not pressure our kids but we were definitely there for them for all the twists and turns during those sometimes difficult years. They each developed quite differently - and we encouraged them in that respect - they each discovered their own distinct passions, which have carried them a long way and makes them very unique with their peers - and in many ways very different from us. It is wonderful to see them develop and grow - each as their own person - and not just as a face in the crowd and part of the pac.</p>
<p>We always supported their choices and would help them fight the battles when needed only - we left much to their own discretion but were on the sidelines whenever they needed our support. We did offer them every opportunity we could have - but it was their choice to make in the long run. They made good informed choices most of the time and learned from the not so good choices - which is an important part of growing up. They changed direction at times - but we think that was meant to be for them. We strongly believe that our kids have the right to go in whatever direction they are destined to go - and with our blessings. </p>
<p>They have both succeeded quite well and have not been so coddled that the world is so overwhelming and difficult to manage for them. This has paid off for us during the college years especially - they both went away from home for school - and in completely different directions - and have survived fairly well - a couple of bumps in the road I will admit, but…they have both challenged themselves in ways that make us very proud parents - that we will have successful adults.</p>
<p>My best advice - be there to support and guide them - be there to teach them and direct them - but be there also to encourage them to explore and develop into who they are meant to be - not in your shadow - that is unless they want to be what you are - don’t expect them to follow in the footsteps of anyone else - let them discover who and what they are meant to be. Don’t try to live thru them - let them discover their own passions and they will be happy adults prepared to make good choices that will make you very proud of them.</p>
<p>I would have encouraged my children to take middle school WAY less seriously. It’s such a dreadful time socially that stressing coursework just seems mean, in retrospect!</p>
<p>NB: in our district, parents can override teachers’ placement recommendations, so middle school grades are somewhat irrelevant. That’s not true in many districts.</p>
<p>There are those (probably teachers) on c.c. who disagree with me, but for our school district I learned a valable lesson after the first two kids. With my first two I never approached a teacher ever. My kids were good enough students and l left everything up to them always and never got involved. And as a consequence they on occasion brought home a c on report cards. Well, our school district is enormous and I learned to change that philosophy with child 3 and 4.Whenever a interim grade slips to c I immediately call the teacher now and we look at how the child is doing and what can be done to get the grade up.I have ALWAYS found the teachers receptive.And the boys have always gotten those grades up as a result of my interest and approaching the teacher. You see, a stray c can actually drop an outstanding bright kid out of the running from merit- semi to finalist. So stay proactive!</p>
<p>The SECOND lesson I learned was the importance of that PSAT test. I did not prep my older two for that test. Now I know the significance of it, that their score on that test determines the amount of interest some colleges will take in your child, and there are tremendous perks associated with a high schore on that test.So with 2 and 3 they did Princeton Review before the test and it is most important they do a sophmore PSAT too. In fact, I would go so far as to have them take a freshman PSAT (9th grade)- would even go look as to where to take one then- if I could do number #3 and #4 over again.</p>
<p>Of course, there are many who will say you can prep for the PSAT yourself and there are many kids who will actually sit there and do practice tests themselves. My boys will not prep themselves.And we found Princeton Review, in Our area, extremely good. It was the exposure to the proctored exams which helped their scores to go up.</p>
<p>Some ideas:</p>
<p>Support your D’s interests, be they academic or sports or arts. If she feels happy pursuing that interest, chances are she’ll try harder in other subjects as well.</p>
<p>Motivation can be encouraged, but bribes should not be used. I would never promise my S something in return for a good performance on a test on in a course. It makes the learning appears like a sort of endurance test rather than something that can and should be fun.</p>
<p>Encourage her to challenge herself, but do not make grades the sole yardstick of excellence, and let her know it’s okay to reduce the level of difficulty if she finds it hard to keep up. As long as the bar is not set unrealistically high, I find that most kids (and adults) rise to challenges.</p>
<p>I have a different experience from Dmd77: Both my Ss found middle school insufficiently challenging. One S in particular became very bored in some classes and rather disruptive as a result of his boredom. A few other bright kids also became cutups and underachievers, a mode of operation they found hard to shed in high school. </p>
<p>I agree with BHG about the importance of connecting with teachers, whether or not your child comes home with a less than stellar grade. We found that our Ss’ teachers were very willing to work with parents to address each student’s strengths and interests. In one S’s case, teachers clearly expected more of him because they knew he was capable of more. Some were also great sources of advice. In high school, it helps if the teacher knows what your child does outside of the class, whether in other classes or in extra-curricular activities. </p>
<p>I agree with other posters: love the child you have.</p>
<p>Thank you all very much for the wonderful advices.
Would you recommend any similiar newgroup for parents of middle school children?
Thanks,
hypermom</p>
<p>I feel I should clarify what I said about taking middle school less seriously. I was stressed about their grades—instead of being stressed about what they were learning and what was happening to them. My daughter was getting harassed by a clique of very nasty girls, and I should have worried more about that. Both of my kids were advanced academically and in some classes with older kids, and did have adequate (although not great) challenges. </p>
<p>While their grades from middle school turned out to be utterly irrelevant to anything in high school, the social stuff took years to clear up. (One of the girls came to our house a few months ago–in company with some other friends of my son’s–and when my daughter found out, she was furious that I’d allowed her in–six years later. It was that bad.)</p>
<p>dmd:</p>
<p>Ah. I see where you’re coming from. How lucky we are that my Ss did not experience either grade related stress or bullying! I know one kid who transferred into my S’s school after experiencing bullying in another. His mom said it was like night and day.</p>
<p>Can I throw out one more piece of advice? I was looking around the school web site and discovered the e-mail addresses for every teacher. And once a month, I e-mail each of my Son’s teachers. He’s a 4.0 student that is taking advanced classes, and is very well behaved. But I still touch base with the teachers. Mostly because every time I do, I learn something new. Such as, in Advanced Honors Choir, he wasn’t doing his Music Theory worksheets. Another time I learned that he was doing his English trivia extra credit in Architecture class. This time, he and I found out that he was missing a German assignment.</p>
<p>These monthly e-mails let the teachers know that I am involved, and am trying to keep a handle on my Son. And they also give me peace of mind, since every day I am told that “School is fine. Nothing exciting happened.”</p>
<p>Peg</p>
<p>It’s fine to contact the teachers, but listen to what they say! I was subbing a few years back (a long-term sub) and got a call from a mom to ask if her son had been doing his homework. I told her he was missing two assignments, and that he’d asked to leave class that day to go the counselor because he was upset over the death of another student (a friend of his). He came to school the next day and turned in the homework assignments; his mother had actually made him do them instead of going to the memorial service.</p>
<p>I have a different viewpoint on PSAT from Backhandgrip. I would attach no importance to it and have no prep. The exception would be if you truly have a shot at National Merit Finalist and need the scholarsip. I think the pressure on kids from these tests is so great that the more it is delayed, the better. Neither of my kids prepped a minute for PSAT. I think it gave us some idea of what was going to happen on SAT and what prep might be desired. WildChild refused to even take PSAT his first junior year, didn’t quite make commended-level this junior year (and wouldn’t be eligible for any designation anyway since he is a repeat junior) and managed to do quite well on SAT this January. After all I have learned from these boards and everything I have read, I am ready to join the “Just Say No to SAT” camp promoted on another thread. WildChild hates standarized tests, and I am trying to get him through this college process as painlessly as possible. He is going to take the new SAT in March with no prep, SAT IIs in May with little or no prep and ACT in June (in case he is one of those kids who does a lot better on that test) and I hope that is the end of it.</p>
<p>I was never <em>preoccupied</em> with my kids’ grades, test scores, extra curriculars, AP’s and Honors, weighted and non-weighted GPA’s, or any of that hooey, before I started talking to friends who had older kids in high school who were getting ready to apply to college. </p>
<p>For a long time, I thought we were doing our oldest child a big favor by talking to her about college – early. I think our biggest mistake was assuming, and wishing when it didn’t happen according to our timetable, that her interest in college would spark to the degree that it matched our own level of enthusiasm. We just kept thinking that if we showed enough excitement and willingness to explore all of her options, she would come around. Wrong! It had the opposite effect, and by the end of high school, we were all dazed, hurt, and exhausted. I still can’t pin down the precise moment when we got sucked in, but I think it was Spring of her soph year, when we started signing her up for the SAT’s. </p>
<p>My son walked into my room one evening a few weeks ago, right before semester grades came out. He laid his head down on my bed and didn’t say a thing. What he needed was reassurance that things were going to work out. He’s 17, and he’s a young man, now, more like an adult than a kid. I found myself telling him that high school amounts to a tiny blip, and that his success will NOT be determined by how he does in high school. The foreign language program at his school really does suck, and if I had to contend with his lame Spanish teacher every day, I’d tank the class, too. Dating blew his concentration in Calc AB AP this year. It’s not the end of the world, and he met some nice girls. In fact, high school is kind of sucky, in general, but he only has one more year, and then, he can start a brand new phase in his life. </p>
<p>How do you like them apples?! 
My point is, don’t put all of the college hype ahead of doing what we parents actually know how to do WELL. Simply love them. I like dstark’s list…They’ll turn out just fine.</p>