We invited DH’s 25 year old cousin to join us for a family holiday meal we are having next week. She texted back that she was coming. Then recently she texted saying “I should have told you this earlier but I am Vegan now”. DH texted back: “Happy you are joining us. Hope you’ll find something you’ll like”. Unspoken Message was: we are not adjusting our menu for you.
DH’s sister thinks this was rude. We don’t. Thoughts?
Not rude at all. No more rude than her telling you her dietary preferences. But I would certainly make sure there is something vegan available. I wouldn’t adjust the menu for everyone else, but I would have something (even something simple) that she can eat. I don’t want anyone to go hungry at my house.
It is rude if he meant, “Too bad if you won’t eat hot dogs”. If you really will have some options a vegan can eat, then it wasn’t rude.
I’m not cooking. We have ordered trays that we will pick up on our way home from the Synagogue where will have been all day… No other food will be served. The only thing Vegan will be the bread and some raw veggies and fruit. If she’s hungry she’ll have to eat more at home. There’s plenty for vegetarians ( cream cheese, variety of hard cheese, kugel, caprese sandwhiches (also for those who eat it egg salad, tuna salad and lox)
I guess when I invite guests, I try to accommodate where possible if they let me know. So… yes, in my book it is a little rude. Wouldn’t kill you to have something extra in the fridge for her – some hummus or guac from the store, for example. I would do it for one if my guests, although I don’t have any special dietary needs myself.
Agree with @intparent. Our job as hosts is to try to accommodate our guests.
Obviously, you care enough about this relative to invite her. It wouldn’t take much effort to add an item or two to round out the options for the vegan, probably as much effort as it took to start and post to this thread. 
Yep. I understand your points but the whole reason we decided on trays this year is so we don’t have to do anything but uncover them when we walk in the house. Our upstairs fridge is turned into drink central with every kind of soda/water imaginable. No digging in the fridge for other stuff.
Our decision is colored by the fact that we have a kid with celiac who would never ever tell a host that about it or that she needs something special to eat. If there’s nothing daughter is happy to socialize, eat something like raw veggies without calling attention to it and eat more when she gets home.
If it was me, building off intparent’s mention of hummus, I’d also add a tub of tabouleh, some stuffed grape leaves, baba ganoush. It would cost you $20 at most. Surely, four small containers can find a space in the fridge. They are not large. You don’t even need to mess with them. All you need to do is tell the cousin, “So glad you could come! I bought X with you in mind because I wanted to make sure you had something you could eat. I stashed them in the fridge just for you. Please help yourself!”
Five minutes of effort. Makes her feel welcomed and loved. Makes you the caring, considerate hostess and relative. Good karma, pays back in spades.
You might not be obligated to do it but wouldn’t you have been appreciative and had warm thoughts towards someone who had made that small effort for your celiac daughter? I know I would.
I find it rude to expect other’s to accommodate your dietary needs when they were not inquired about. It is one thing if someone has an allergy they can’t control especially one that can be deadly such as the peanut allergy. But its quite another to choose to have a severely restricting diet such as vegan and expect others to accommodate you. A 25 year old is an adult and needs to handle her dietary choices like an adult and either bring dishes to share that meet her requirements or simply pass on items that don’t meet her criteria. Personal responsibility.
^^^^I agree with @Empireapple . I totally understand your DH’s feelings and comments, as it would have annoyed me, too. To be told in a roundabout way to make sure there was something for her to eat is incredibly rude. I would have popped off the same thing. After cooling down ( isn’t that always the case?), I might have prefaced it with " we aren’t cooking and everything has been ordered. I hope you find something you like. You might want to bring something for yourself just in case". This will let her know you aren’t going to be catering to her voluntary diet restrictions and a valid reason why. Maybe she will think twice before asking for special treatment in her roundabout way.
IMO, your DH might have said “I’m sure you’ll find something you like” instead of "I hope . . . "
But, not important. Just make her feel welcome.
I think the way it was said, was indeed rude. You don’t have to cook a special meal just for her, but the tone of the remark comes off as flippant and as if you are telling her, ‘who cares’. I think @doschicos makes a good suggestion.
While I would never ask for something special for myself, I would always want a guest to feel welcome. Even if it was someone I didn’t like. I would grab an extra container of premade vegan foods, as suggested. Nothing that requires major effort, but a guest’s comfort takes priority over any hassle at accommodating them, in my house.
If he had said “I’m sure you’ll fine something you like,” it wouldn’t have been completely truthful since there probably isn’t something available. I do think a good host would have something other than what is described available and would be wanting to accommodate a guest that they had invited. I also think Celiac is a little different as my understanding is that even a well-meaning host can very likely contaminate their food without meaning to, so even if somebody with Celiac shares and their host tries to accommodate them, they might still get sick eating at someone else’s house.
If you flat out will not change the menu to make something for your guest, I think the polite thing for your husband to do would have been to nicely tell his cousin that so she could bring something. She also could have offered or shared her dietary needs in a more graceful way, but if you are having her over for a meal and won’t have food she can eat, you should let her know that.
I don’t think either party was rude, although as @VeryHappy suggests he could perhaps have put the same sentiment more delicately.
Personally I think she was right to tell you about her dietary change. I would have been upset to learn about it only after it was too late to make a simple accommodation like buying a small tub of humus. You may want to call whoever’s providing the food to ask if you can add something vegan like humus or tabouli to your order. Those are things everyone else can eat as well and they’d go well with the raw veggies.
Often accommodating a vegan can be done by skipping the final step of a recipe in a portion put aside from the main, like putting oil and vinegar on some of the salad instead of your usual egg-based dressing or adding cheese to the pasta after some has been set aside for your vegan. I’d prefer providing something my guest can eat to watching her politely nibble bread sticks in the corner.
I don’t think she was rude. Had she not let you know and then didn’t eat a bite, you may have thought it was rude she didn’t let you know. As a vegetarian, I don’t tend to worry too much but I like to know the menu at relatives homes because I will bring something to supplement my food if I know there won’t be enough. I don’t want to bring stuff and have them think I was rude because they had food for me.
Maybe she can bring a dish to share that suits her eating style?
It seems like there is always someone with an allergy, celiac disease, vegan, Paleo, Whole30 etc. I generally just try to always have a big green salad of chopped romaine and a dressing choice on the side and call it a day. If they show up and can’t indulge in pizza night there is a healthy option that lets them fill up their plate and socialize at the table with everyone else. I guess if they have a salad allergy they are indulging in the pizza. 
Anytime I have a group over for eating I do my best to serve a well-rounded assortment of foods to accommodate all my guests. You already have bread, veggies and fruit so she will have something to eat but I would go just that one step further and add humus or tabouli which obv can be purchased in containers that you open the top, insert spoon and voila ! I have found that my friends with self-restricted diets aren’t expecting a four course meal but instead are hoping they don’t leave hungry. I do think your husband’s remark was a bit rude, my perception would be that I’m not really wanted there, more of an after-thought or must-invite for some reason.
These things are really hard. Vegans especially. I do think your H could have phrased things differently and I think that some accommodation could be made for the vegan. As it just involved ordering something different.
I have family members who are vegan/vegetarian and it is hard to figure what they can or cannot eat. And it is frustrating to find that they’ve changed their diet to something that is frankly very restricted.
My 80 yo mil does not host some of her grandchildren at her house anymore because she has trouble figuring out what they can or won’t eat. They live 2 blocks away so she can go there but it is frustrating to plan a menu and then have to think about a different item to make because now they are vegan. It’s not that easy to change things on the fly.