@maya54 , having read about the only-hot quinoa thing, I am fully in sympathy with your H’s response!
=))
Honestly, being vegan is at best a choice–I was going to say a whim–whereas having celiac disease or a life-threatening nut allergy is not. I have T2 diabetes, and I have to eat low carb in order to control it, but even that is not life threatening. I will not die or suffer significant long-lasting health issues if I eat excess carbs on some occasion. People who know me well tend to offer me alternatives when they are ordering in pizza for example. I do not make a fuss. It is my responsibility to manage my diet.
I have friends who have celiac disease. If I invite them over for dinner, I assure them that there will be gluten-free options, and I take extreme care to make sure that everything I use in dishes–including condiments like mustard and other ingredients such as stock in soups–are certified gluten-free or made gluten-free by me. I make sure there is no cross-contamination. They trust me because they know I understand the seriousness of the issue for them. (Recently I had a bunch of friend over for a classic pulled-pork sandwich supper. A friend with celiac asked if she should bring a gluten-free roll for herself. Perfect!) If I’m feeding Jewish friends who I know do not eat pork, I don’t serve pork. If they keep Kosher, I make sure to serve a dairy or meat meal. (If they can’t eat out of a non-Kosher kitchen, then they aren’t accepting a dinner invitation from a person who they know perfectly well doesn’t have one.) It is my observation, BTW, that everyone seems to keep kosher in their own way, LOL. Like our friends who kept kosher who had friend who kept Glatt kosher, so they had to bring their own meat when the “regular” kosher friends invited us all over for a backyard barbeque.
If you know people well enough, you can make menu choices that accommodate their needs in advance. If they adopt new eating habits on a whim and inform you at the last minute, then they are out of line, IMHO. Yes, I would make some hummus for the new vegan, or buy some. Or even make or buy a quinoa salad. But if they are going to get picky about not likeing “saucy” foods or cold foods, then they are simply idiots and tough luck. Bring your own food or stay home and contemplate your vegan virtue all alone.
Sounds like sis knows how to handle it. She can bring the quinoa salad and cousin can put hers in the microwave if she wants, go for it. If you feel benevolent, you could keep a can of meatless chili in the pantry and if she starts shaking from hunger, direct her to the can.
But this sounds more than just a person with dietary issues, it sounds a little obnoxious. Maybe she’s trying to come up with a reason not to attend.
At 25, there’s a good chance she’s never hosted a social gathering in her home and perhaps never helped her parents much when they hosted so she probably has no clue how much work is involved. I say serve what you have and she’ll figure it out. Going forward this will be a good lesson for her. Nice of you to include her.
Many 25 year olds have hosted bridal showers, baby showers, game nights, what have you. Doubt she lives under a rock. If she also doesnt return phone calls except when she thinks something happened to her parents, and expects others to bend to her wants, she sounds self focused, not inexperienced.
Cousin sounds very high maintenance.
But at the same time, ask yourself, are you making excuses? Some of your posts like, she won’t answer the phone, my fridge is full and can’t fit another container, I ordered the trays already,
Some issues on both sides of the aisle I think. I think the prior advice to try and de escalate, perhaps pick up the phone, and don’t let it fester are good ones.
Then don’t invite her next year if it becomes unworkable, but make the effort this year
Meh. The girl can do a fast food drive through on the way to the break fast and pick up a salad. The host can, and probably should, order some dip and chips or what have you so she feels all guests have something to eat. And a salad is a nice option for all guests. But the “I don’t eat cold food” and “I’d like chili but I wont pick it up” is inappropriate. Ignorant? Maybe. Most people bring something to a break fast. She can as well.
Right. My parents taught me never to show up empty handed when I go to someone’s home for a meal.
This cousin should be bringing something…and since she has all these “preferences” she should bring something she is sure to like…and make sure she is first in line to get some…or the other guests could eat the vegan choices…before she gets to them.
IF the OP decides to get something…I am quite sure she can pick up something quickly. Things like hummus last for days. Get it Wednesday…not Saturday morning. Or…swing by your local grocery store on Saturday on your way home. I’m sure it will be open!!
But really…don’t expect the cousin to eat it…because she probably won’t like the hummus you pick out.
My kids are younger than 25 and I’m prettt sure they wouldn’t say “I only line it hot” if someone offered a salad in response to a special dietary nerd/preference.
I would have probably made a bit more of an effort than the OP initially–would have picked up another item like hummus or something. But that exchange about the quinoa is ridiculous.
OP said cousin doesn’t eat guac or hummus or “saucy” stuff. Pop some popcorn for her and call it a day. I’d also pick up a prepared, tossed green salad (no cheese) for everyone. Or one of those bagged salads that come with the dressing, dried fruit, etc to mix in.
“Then don’t invite her next year if it becomes unworkable, but make the effort this year”
As I said, we are not a drama filled or hold -a -grudge family. We don’t not invite people because we might think they are annoying or even ridiculous. Maybe she’s annoyed because she thinks we were rude but she’s not going to do anything about it. Next year I’ll order veggie sandwhiches ( though she may no longer be a vegan. Lol!)
I agree the cousin was out of line in her exchange with sis.
One thought about the “It won’t kill them to eat what everyone else is having” comments. Clearly she isn’t going to be damaged by not eating one meal or eating only fruit and bread but if she is eating she may no longer be able to eat cheese and meat. After people don’t eat these foods for a while they lose the enzymes needed to digest them. Eating these foods after only a few months without them can cause extreme gastrointestinal distress.
Are you sure the bread is 100% “vegan”? I’d put out bowl of plain rice.
To answer the original question, no, I wouldn’t have said that, but I’d give your H a pass–because he’s a guy, and probably not the one who usually deals with hosting, menus, etc. If that message came from the hostess, I think it would sound rude. But coming from him, more open to interpretation.
I do get tired of all the optional dietary restrictions so many people have these days. (My H is one of those fake gluten free people…I find it really annoying.)
Something I was thinking about which nobody pointed out, is that clearly the cousin was offended by the initial response because she shared the text (and her sense of offense) with the sister. That’s what prompted the sis to reach out to OP, probably in hopes of smoothing things over.
So now we know she’s not content to simply hope there’s something she’ll be able to eat. Also she doesn’t eat cold salad. She doesn’t eat dips or sauces. She has no time to pick anything up because she’s busy doing the exact same thing OP’s family is doing, but somehow expects OP to be able to do it for her instead.
I think unless OP is willing to get the requested vegan chili and warm it up, it’s best at this point to stick with her original plan of just letting the cuz graze. But I still think sending the cuz a list of the ordered food trays would be polite, assuming OP got a confirmation email from the store that she can just forward.
People who have genuine dietary restrictions usually make sure to bring something they can eat. If she is really a committed vegan, she would make or buy a veggie sandwich or something and bring it in her purse.
She is the rude one, IMHO, especially when she starts listing her likes and dislikes. Very childish. As I tell my great nephews, who are terribly picky eaters, everything served to you doesn’t have to be prepared precisely the way you prefer it or are accustomed to in order for you to politely consume it. As in, you can eat pizza that doesn’t come from the one pizza places at home that you like best, and do so without complaining.
I think that the idea that the OP should present her menu to this foolish person for her approval is ridiculous. She doesn’t have a medical condition or a religious restriction.