<p>I respectfully disagree with Torveaux. I have no idea what Minecraft is but if it is similar to the games my kids played, sitting around the table working it all out is a great learning experience in teamwork imho. I am not sure you can replicate that on-line.</p>
<p>It seems to me all the nerdy, smart 13 year olds sitting at a table playing games are learning the people skills they need to “play” on a research team of some sort in Silicon Valley, maybe even with the same players. In that regard, I think it is excellent if girls play and as dmd77 said, almost at the beginning of the thread, it is worth encouraging.</p>
<p>I don’t know that it’s obvious to any parent what to do at this age. It’s tough. Maybe I’m overprotective but at 12,13, I thought D still needed some guidance and oversight. Their social milieu is rapidly changing from “play” to “hanging out” - so rules are also changing. I agree that we need to empower girls to be friends with whomever they want but I was once this OP only D was slightly younger and the boys probably 12-14. It was weird to find out that my child would be the sole female at a social gathering. It took a conversation with the host mom to put me at ease.</p>
<p>That said, what really bothers me about this setup is not the gender of the kids - it’s the social context. It sounds like the girl only knows the kids via online communities with the exception of the two elementary school friends. I don’t know I would be comfortable sending my daughter to a girls’ get-together where she had no previous face-to-face with the girls or parents at a stranger’s house. If the boys (or girls) agreed to meet somewhere public, say a gaming arena/place, I would probably be okay with that (if I could stay or at least lurk). I think I need a stronger social connection among the kids beyond a virtual one - I’m old so I’m still learning how to deal with this.</p>
Checking on the parent availability/supervision of 13 yr olds is NOT micromanagement. My kids also travelled 30 mi to school, and their friends lived all over. If they got together as a group, parent communication was normal. If you have kids maybe you will understand. </p>
<p>I don’t think the main issue here is that it’s a group of boys as much as it’s unknown kids. The OP doesn’t really know the boys or their parents. Also, many people on this thread talked about what they were allowed to do in HS. This is not HS. I think alh brought up the best points,
I believe the OP said a few pages ago that she had decided to have the gathering at her house, which really seems like the best solution. </p>
<p>My kids and their friends played at the kitchen table. Close to the snacks and minimal clean-up involved. My point (and maybe tempemom’s too??) was that parent supervision may mean different things to different families. The party my kids didn’t attend, the time other kids were arrested for vandalism at a local store, had well- respected parents at home, supposedly supervising.</p>
<p>Isn’t minecraft a computer game? When my guys would go to lan parties they pretty much needed to spread out. I don’t know why but they never played all together at a table. Also, one of the people had to have server admin privileges. </p>
<p>When I first read this question, my immediate reaction was – why not? Of course I’d let my daughter hang out with a bunch of guys her age, especially ones she’s known since elementary school.</p>
<p>So then I read all the comments, and the reasoning to not allow it. Part of me gets it. But another part of me is sad. If this question had been asked when I was growing up – well, I don’t think it would have been asked, for many reasons. Yes, I know about all the incidents of gang rapes, sexual assault, etc. I read about Steubenville and Maryville, and I am outraged. But to outright refuse to let a girl hang out with guys because you assume that she will be assaulted seems an overreaction. And, if anything, it just perpetuates rape culture. Let’s protect the girl and prevent her from doing something she loves because if we don’t, she’ll be violated. </p>
<p>Having the kids over to your house is a good solution. But I still think it’s a sad commentary on today’s society that so many people have the knee-jerk reaction that a girl who plays video games with a bunch of guys will be assaulted.</p>
<p>I think it’s highly unlikely that this thread would have taken the same course if the kid who wanted to go to the party was also a boy. So it is unfair to the girls.</p>
<p>I don’t think that anyone assumes that there’s some sort of gang rape intended. It’s sort of like how you put on your seat belt because there’s a miniscule chance that you will be in an accident. This is the first meeting of the group in person, and that makes a difference. </p>
<p>When parenting my own, I always started with assuming worst case scenarios and working from there. I acknowledge this may not be the best strategy. However, it was based on my own childhood experiences. Absolutely nothing could have shocked or surprised me. Nothing. I grew up in the suburbs. </p>
<p>I have a 13-year-old daughter who also tends to gravitate towards the boys because there is a lot of drama/gossip/shallow stuff going on among the girls and she just can’t stand it – can’t blame her! She has a few good friends who are boys and they play Minecraft online together. She knows all of them from school (some from elementary, some from her current middle school) and they are very academically oriented, taking honors classes, technology whizzes, etc. She has been to some of the boys’ houses and they have been to ours. I can’t imagine prohibiting her from socializing with this group that she really identifies with just because they are boys. Ironically, it is the girls who are always talking about crushes, dating, who is going out with whom, etc., and putting a lot of pressure on each other to engage in romantic behavior, while the boys are just interested in video games, science and technology, and my daughter is much happier hanging out with them. </p>
<p>Well, simply I don’t think my 13 year old would be going over to some internet friends house for an afternoon of gaming. My S did a lot of this at that age and the idea was not to be together so you could play the video game with each other from remote locations. You can’t play together if you are all in the same place… Fortunately D would never have wanted to spend and afternoon with a group of boys she didn’t actually know. Inviting them over, maybe,.</p>
<p>When my S asked me if he could hang out at a friend’s home after school when no parents would be present in the 2nd grade through 6th grade with NO parent at home, the answer (which he knew) was always no. I did invite him to have the party at our home, which he declined because he dislikes being host. I also offered to allow them to go somewhere all together and I could drive. I was never comfortable with kids that had NO supervision in a house.</p>
<p>A friend who allowed her S to entertain kids in her home without any adult supervision noticed after a while that valuables (like cash) were missing and the boys her S had entertained were the obvious suspects. She never confronted the boys, but her S was crushed and stopped being friends with them and never entertained at her home any more. It was really sad for the family and especially the S, but I think the temptation of cash lying around the home was too great for these young people.</p>
<p>My D goes to girlfriend’s homes often. The parents are very doting and enjoy checking in with the girls, which they continue to do to this date. She has never been to a home when the parents weren’t home and there are no basements most HI homes. Parents do stop in and provide food and refreshments periodically throughout the visit.</p>
<p>Many times when I visited my junior high/high school friends’ homes to hangout, the parents weren’t home due to working multiple jobs or like my parents, believed it was reasonable to expect 13 year olds to be able to manage themselves from their own experiences. </p>
<p>If anything, the parents were home less than 50% of the time during visits because they were often still at work when school let out or were working on the weekend day I happened to be visiting. Not too many SAHPs due to financial needs(vast majority) or preference to work outside the home once a child is out of kindergarten (well-off families). </p>
<p>Also, keep in mind that I was part of what they termed the “latchkey kid” generation. Back then, kids as young as 6 were given apartment keys and expected to let themselves in and manage until the parents came home. That was the life I lived along with most neighborhood kids of that period. 13 year olds would have been treated closer to quasi-adults in that situational context. </p>
<p>Of course, no adult supervision, no parents at home, not knowing the kids or the family well, the possibility of having alcohol around are all valid concerns. They would be equally valid if OP’s daughter’s friend was a girl. These don’t seem to be the concerns the OP is raising. </p>
<p>It bothers me that so many people here are so quick to think of would “could” happen between friends who have known each other for years and have a specific interest in hanging out together.</p>
<p>Would you have a problem if it was your son and three girls? No? Rape can go both ways.</p>
<p>The OP has a concern so there is a concern. Parenting is often instinct and if I didn’t think it was a great idea for whatever reason it wouldn’t be happening. Potential rape would probably never cross my mind, though.</p>
<p>I would likely think there were better ways to spend her time. And, sometimes kids that age do ask parents for permission hoping the parent will say no. Another possibility.</p>
<p>OP here. I would like to state that it was more than the fact that I don’t know these boys, nor their parents well. I was especially concerned about the friend of a friend situation. I also know that there are older brothers (junior and seniors in HS) in one of the households who sometimes are on SKYPE at the same time. I actually have brought this up with my daughter several times as a situation with which I am not completely comfortable. That is one reason why she is on the centralized computer in the dining room and I can lend an ear to the conversations that are taking place on Skype while she is playing Minecraft. I can’t imagine in a million years my son Skyping with a group of 7th graders when he was a junior in HS. Although, I will say that he is a very old soul who has been here before. All of these factors put together made me very uneasy about the situation. </p>
<p>Just so you know, it does happen on the other end and that is why I am always asking questions. My daughter’s best friend is a girl with whom she has been friends since pre-school. She has been staying over her friend’s house since she was five and I know her parents well. When I called my daughter to check in and see if her friend’s parents would be home when she was spending the night (this is a question that I always ask of other parents, but hadn’t confirmed with her friend’s parents since I had known them for so long); my daughter told me that they had gone out and wouldn’t be home until about 3 in the morning. Well, I was not comfortable with that situation at all and was a little irritated that her friend’s mom hadn’t called me to say that they would not be home. I had just assumed that the parents wouldn’t leave the girls home alone until 3 in the morning. However, I was wrong. Lesson learned. I found out after the fact that they leave their daughter at home alone and go out on a regular basis. While they are comfortable with this scenario, I am not. </p>
<p>So, I had to call her friend’s mom and say that I was going to swing by and pick up the girls and have them stay at my house because I didn’t want my daughter in a house without adult supervision until 3 in the morning. Her friend’s mom was very gracious and understanding about the situation. She even thanked me for having the girls at my house. So, my daughter, her friend and the new kitten all came to my house for the sleepover. Everyone has different boundaries and guidelines about what is appropriate I was very curious about where my boundaries stood in relationship to other parents. My daughter always tells me I am ‘old fashioned’. I take that as a compliment! </p>
<p>Thanks for the update momofmusician. Now I am going to be eagerly awaiting the thread: Do I allow my 7/8th grader to date HS juniors/seniors? I have a lot of opinions on that too. :)</p>
<p>Enjoy them while they are still at home! It really does go too fast.</p>
All of these factors put together made me very uneasy about the situation. </p>
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