<p>Pretty matter of fact question. My daughter dropped out of school her fall semester of her sophmore year after completing her freshmen year with a 3.2gpa. Fast forward a year and she has now found the love of her life. They live together he makes about 45k/yr in a non career type of job and she makes 30k/yr with no upside potential. </p>
<p>He asked her to marry him and she obviously said “YES!!!”. So, they want to get married in the fall of 2014 and have asked if we were going to pay. His family is very traditional and almost expect such a thing.</p>
<p>I’m not on board. The wife and I have talked tons and I want to offer to pay for school again. That is a investment I can live with and feel at least somewhat good about, but pay 2-3k a hour for a 3-4 hour ceremony/reception I do not AT ALL. My wife is fearful that if we don’t pay at least 50% of the cost our daughter will resent us… which I don’t see that happening. The fiance has said multiple times how it’s “Our responsibility” which irks me already…lol. His family is large 100 people locally and ours is small 15 people, so they want to invite 150 peopl to this.</p>
<p>I think they need to slow the heck down (been together 11 months) stay engaged and go to school for her and at least trade school for him. Then after actually getting grounded we can talk weddings, that’s if they want my blessing and for me to pay for it. If they want to pay for it themselves then go ahead while I don’t agree I can’t stop you. </p>
<p>So, what would you do? Give a gift amount? Offer to pay for school? Pay for the wedding? All opinions are welcome ;)</p>
<p>She’s got a job and is self-supporting. I think you should count your blessings. If it were me, I’d set an amount and say this is what we can contribute. What percentage of the wedding costs that is, is up to them.</p>
<p>I would offer to pay for a modest wedding. You are not obligated to pay for a huge shindig. This is your daughter and it is (hopefully) the only wedding she will have. </p>
<p>A few years ago, my ds came to me in a similar situation. His long time girlfriend dumped him and he began seeing a girl he knew in high school. He was going to school on an ROTC scholarship, she was on her second school and dropped out soon after because her parents would no longer pay. Within 2 months they were engaged. I was NOT in favor of the marriage because 1. The hadn’t been dating long. 2. He was still in school, and 3. I really thought she was the one who wanted the marriage much more than he did.</p>
<p>Her parents were willing to pay for the wedding but not her tuition. That was an odd choice for me. We did put on the rehearsal dinner and such. Fast forward 2 years (and one child–no they didn’t get married because she was pregnant, but it happened fast) and they are divorced, but I know that because I didn’t raise a HUGE stink about the wedding, I still have a relationship with my son that I might not have if I’d allowed myself to really dissent.</p>
<p>I did tell the couple that I would no longer financially support them (for housing and such) if they decided to get married. That if they chose to live an adult lifestyle, I would treat them as such. Of course, when they got pregnant, that changed…but that is a different topic :)</p>
<p>In short, do what you feel comfortable doing as far as a wedding. But remember this is your daughter and you don’t want to burn bridges.</p>
<p>I don’t pay for weddings, so the connection with school is irrelevant. Frankly, I would be sure to tell the young man that I know all about responsibility and he should worry about his own, not yours.</p>
<p>Agree with math mom. I realize that you are disappointed in your daughter’s choices - and it sounds like you are not wild about your future son-in-law. But this is where a lifetime of bad in-law relations start. The ‘us’ against ‘them’ dynamic is one you don’t want to set up.</p>
<p>She may yet change her mind and decide to continue her education. Or he may. Or not. They are self-supporting adults and not being self-destructive so let them make their choices and live with the consequences. If you would have paid anything towards her wedding after she had finished school, I’d not punish her now by withholding that support because she had decided to do it her way instead. </p>
<p>On the other hand, no reason to feel guilted into supporting a wedding that you can’t afford (especially if you want to save that money for a more meaningful gift later - like tuitions, or a down-payment for a house or whatever else it is that you value more highly). Tell her what you can afford and let them figure out how to make that work for the number of guests they want. A simple wedding with cake and champagne at the wedding venue may be all they and you can afford/want to pay for. If his family wants something else, they are welcome to pitch in with financial support. Just make it clear (and keep repeating to yourself) that you are thrilled that she is happy and has found someone who loves her and who wants to make her happiness his top priority in life.</p>
<p>@Mathmom, thanks that’s where I’m leaning is a small token $2500 or something that I can give and not be aggravated about. </p>
<p>@Azcatz, that story is exactly why I don’t want to pay. They make 75k/yr and have over 2k left over a month. If they must get married, so soon why should I have to pay for it? Especially if it leads to divorce in a couple of years? So, what is modest to you?</p>
<p>@Zoosermom, so you would just say? I’m sorry I don’t pay for weddings? Or is this something you have said forever?</p>
<p>We really never talked about weddings before I never thought she would get married so fast. Most people these days just get engaged or become live ins why the rush to be legally bonded if there is no spiritual reason behind it?</p>
<p>@M’sMOM, as far as inlaws I don’t see how much ever comes of that. We are in different life stages completely. My wife and I are 41 and his parents are 69 ad 72 he is the spoiled baby of the bunch. His two older sisters are older than us. This will never be a big intertwined family the age difference alone make it a little wierd. Cordial yes, but all sharing Christmas’s I doubt it.</p>
<p>I would unhook the tuition and wedding discussions. Two separate issues. Decide how much you can/want to contribute to the wedding, and don’t attach strings. But also don’t be guilted.</p>
<p>They are, as has been mentioned, two self-supporting adults. I’ll confess I’m rather put off by your implied view of their salaries. My D and her H graduated from good colleges and have the same income. Actually, my H and I, with four degrees between us, don’t make much more. So to dismiss the young man’s 45K as a “non-career” job and maintain he needs to at least go to trade school seems unwarranted to me.</p>
<p>I would say you are certainly entitled to that view, but consider it might negatively affect your long term relationship with your D.</p>
<p>Edit: reading your second comment–I’d just like to say that that they can put aside 2K a month speaks volumes for their good money management!</p>
I have always said that “I will pay for your education if it costs me a kidney, but I will not pay for a wedding.” If they are adult enough to get married, they can have the wedding they can afford. Of course, I would give a gift, but it would be the gift of my choice in the budget I deem appropriate. I just feel very strongly that the couple should pay. HOwever, I completely respect and appreciate other points of view.</p>
<p>My policy is that I pay for weddings but it is the wedding that H and I can afford and deem appropriate. If the inlaws and the kids want to augment by kicking in their own resources, it’s a free country. If the inlaws and the kids want something significantly bigger or grander or with more guests than we can pay, they are free to refuse our contribution and make their own wedding. If the kids decide there are better uses of the money than a wedding and were to approach us to ask if we could contribute to paying off student loans in lieu of a wedding we would be happy to entertain that option.</p>
<p>But nobody is manipulating me into paying more than I can afford, or more than I want to pay regardless of whose family is bigger than whose.</p>
<p>The subject of their education is a separate issue. I think you are within your rights as a parent to take your D for a long walk (without the fiance) and to tell her that you hope that she and her soon-to-be H have considered the possibility that at some point one or both of them will want or need to go back to school. And that there are lots of people who in their 20’s think that college is unnecessary… but who feel differently once they have hit a wall at work, or need more money to support kids or buy a house. And that as married adults, you’re sure they’ll figure out how to pay for it (aid, loans, employer tuition benefits, etc.). But that if the finances of going back to school become a stumbling block, you’d hope she’d feel comfortable coming to you for advice.</p>
<p>Then drop it.</p>
<p>You’re not committing to pay for it, but you’re leaving the door open.</p>
<p>And I did not take your commentary on their salaries as a put down. Someone can earn $45K in their first or second or third year selling cars or real estate, and find themselves earning 12K the next year when the economy tanks. It is logical and reasonable for a parent to be concerned about their married child’s long term economic stability.</p>
<p>Garland- your H is a physician as I recall who is now teaching, and you are a college professor. Whatever employment choices you guys have made (which I respect 100%) were made knowing that you had the option of accelerating your earning options if you chose. That is NOT the case of these two kids. Young people with a HS diploma don’t get to say, “Oh gee, I think I’ll go back to being a doctor when it’s time for me to worry about supporting a family.”</p>
<p>The two things are not related. So if you were going to pay for a wedding eventually anyway, I’d still do it. </p>
<p>blossom, I am not sure I agree that this is a gloom-and-doom scenario. $75k combined income for two young adults is pretty good (in many places), whether or not they have college degrees. And if the OP’s D wanted to become a doctor, she could go back to college later. There is no one right way to do everything.</p>
<p>All the other issues aside I would be VERY put off by the fiance’s comment that the cost of the wedding is your responsibility! If they are adult enough to get married and for your DD to drop out of school then they are adult enough to pay for their wedding.</p>
<p>I’d contribute what you feel comfortable with as a gift but not a penny more.</p>
<p>@Garland, I’m really confused if you and your husband having 4 degrees, but are unable to translate that into much more than the average salary for a family of 4, what in the world can your degrees be in that deem so little in the marketplace? Especially in the Northeast? Unless it’s philanthropy of some sort?</p>
<p>It’s not the pay 75k/yr is fairly solid it’s the lack of security, good insurance, and upside potential. Physically his job caters to the young it’s not a job you keep when your whole life it’s physical. Her job is better, but she got a pay cut this year, and it’s flat she needs a degree to augement her experience.</p>
<p>@Blossom, I can see that!! The emotional, loving, daddy’s little girl side wants to spoil her and the logical, business, future focused Dad wants to display tough love and reiterate how silly this is. It’s hard ;(</p>
<p>@IronMaiden, I’m leaning towards that just here is X amount $2500 ish and you can use it however you like there is alot about him I do not like.</p>
<p>Blossom: Further, I’m not saying that going back to school isn’t a good idea (my own thread makes that abundantly clear!) I am more looking at the way it was being viewed, which struck me as sort of dismissive. I could be wrong.</p>
<p>But as I said, the main thing, with which I think we agree, is to keep wedding and school as two separate conversations.</p>
Not garland, but I have 3 degrees, piled higher and deeper as they say, and I might clear 20K this year, because I adjunct and it’s only part-time work. Not all of us are choosing to work full time, regardless of our impressive pedigrees ;).</p>
<p>I have several daughters and have told them since they were children that I would never pay for their weddings. I don’t believe in developing a sense of entitlement especially with such a big expense. They are fortunate that they never had to be hungry, homeless or uneducated. But the men they marry will be their choices and I shouldn’t immediately be responsible for the cost by birth right. Btw, I refused to let my in-laws pay for my wedding.</p>
<p>Have them cover half of the wedding expenses if you want them to be more responsible. You may quickly find that they develop a quicker appreciation for money, life and the consequences of their decisions. IMHO, having them participate in paying for the wedding isn’t unreasonable.</p>
<p>Lotsokids, clearly you have not kept up with the trend of adjuncts in the academic world… do some reading, then come back.</p>
<p>Regarding the wedding and college attendance, I would not completely uncouple them. Because I will pay for college for an unmarried kid, but if my kids get married they are then financially responsible for themselves. If they want adult responsibility – then they can have it – no issue from me, but I am not going to pay for college for a married student. </p>
<p>I personally would give them an amount for the wedding (I think I would give about $10,000), and tell them they can ask other parents (their dad or future in laws) or pay for anything on top of that themselves.</p>
<p>And here’s the thing, lotsokids–I KNOW where you’re coming from. My S dropped out of school in his SENIOR year–almost six years ago. Of course finishing would be better than not, but to sort of paraphrase The Wizard of Oz, he had to figure that out for himself. He’s run into roadblocks from lack of degree, but also he’s worked through his mind what led to him dropping out in the first place (not academics.) </p>
<p>No wedding bells, or bills, in this picture, but overall, I tried to avoid incentives, threats, or anything that seemed at all coercive. I felt he needed to go back totally on his own initiative (well, I have to say, current gf has been a big cheerleader for him to, but that’s outside of my purveyance.)</p>
there is alot about him I do not like.</p>