<p>My kids and I love to watch the wedding shows on TLC - Four Weddings, the dress shows, the bridesmaids dresses…and we laugh about how they will NEVER have a dress or wedding like that unless they marry someone who is going to pay for it. We don’t have enough friends and relatives to fill a church anyway.</p>
<p>OP, I agree that you should give your daughter a set amount (if you want to) and then leave it up to her how to spend it. She might decide she’d rather have $2500 for a deposit on a house rather than a buffet for 150 people.</p>
<p>I also don’t think it is wrong to continue to encourage college or trade school for her, and that you’d like to continue to contribute to that, but separate it from the wedding finance talk.</p>
<p>My rule on giving/lending to family is the same, regardless of the reason: I give what I can without feeling resentful and without expecting repayment. For college tuition, it’s whatever it costs. For a family member who is irresponsible with money and shows no signs of changing, it’s not one cent. </p>
<p>For this wedding, you have to decide what amount you feel comfortable parting with even if the marriage ends in divorce in a couple of years. (And if I were in your shoes, I’d be lowering the amount every time the fianc</p>
<p>My opinion is to do yourself a huge favor and give them a set amount of cash “towards the wedding” which they can then choose to spend however they wish. And try to act excited for them! The situation is not your ideal but there is a long future to preserve here. I know my parents handled a “wedding situation” with my sister poorly and there are still hard feelings. They loved the future son-in-law but let their pride get in the way. Sometimes it is better to be happy than “right.” Good luck to you and your family.</p>
<p>It is short-sighted to look at a household income of 75K today (no kids, everyone healthy, nobody worrying about retirement or the need for life insurance, disability insurance, etc.) and to proclaim “we’re set”. Which is in fact, what most young people in their 20’s would say.</p>
<p>The beauty of being middle aged is to know people who have been derailed by chronic illness, a child with special needs, multiple lay-offs, plant closings, jobs being moved overseas, etc. and to recognize that although all of these things are painful (and costly, and tough on a marriage), having solid career options (usually although not always because of higher education and the skills that implies) can make it better.</p>
<p>Two incomes become one pretty quickly if a baby has medical problems. It’s not always the parent with the best long term career prospects, or the most generous benefits, or the bigger 401K match who can keep their job.</p>
<p>I’d be more worried about the 10 year career prospects of the 75K household headed up by two HS graduates, than I am about Garland’s kids with college degrees.</p>
<p>Wedding conversations have to happen like tuition conversations–long before there’s a dream school (or dreamboat!) on the horizon. Too late for this kid, but might be a conversation to have with younger children. Let them know what you are comfortable paying, either by giving a dollar amount or percentage or by agreeing to cover certain services. I, for one, love pictures and want good ones, so I will pay for a photographer.</p>
<p>And stop looking at the young man. What are you going to do? Pay for one kid’s wedding because you approve of the circumstances but make the other pay her own? Way to breed resentment against you and between sibs. Just don’t go there.</p>
<p>Finally, yes, if I had been planning to pay toward a wedding I would be doing so regardless of any other circumstance. This has nothing to do with college tuition or whether or not the kids finished school.</p>
<p>@ordinarylives, just remember this is only part of the story. The young man is 6 years her senior and on probation, ex drug addict who has been clean for 4 years, and is a spoiled brat, but she “loves” him. Think typical bad boy gone straight or somewhat straight. She is almost 21 he is 27, so there is alot more to this story than what I posted. My daughter was all onboard with a small quaint wedding until she met him…now it’s “What about his family they all want to come! I would feel bad if they couldn’t be there, ya know? They are really traditional!”</p>
<p>As far as sibling rivalry well life isn’t fair and there isn’t a fixed amount they all receive regardless of their actions. Life doesn’t work that way and neither do I. If one of my daughters hits it out of the park full scholarship, busts her butt, and does everything textbook she very well may receive more than one who dropped out, did drugs, and married a guy who has had far too many mulligans in life. I question how close they will all be anyway since the oldest is almost 21, 13, and 12, but we will see.</p>
<p>As far as the college town comments all I can say is those must be arts degrees, right? I know of no engineers that are unemployed anywhere. I know many that majored in the arts not working in their field though. No, I don’t live in a college town lol.</p>
<p>Blossom–not sure why you are arguing with me–I’m not saying degrees aren’t a good thing. I’m saying that the income they have and the fact that the D dropped out are a separate issue from paying for a wedding. The title of the thread implies an attitude about “drop-outs,” and the dwelling on salaries (very satisfactory for mid-20s sorts) seemed to be a different and prejudicial conversation.</p>
<p>The OP has added details since that modify that impression.</p>
<p>Also, though CC level professional incomes/lifestyles, etc are nice–most of the country does survive and thrive on a much more moderate plan. Even with the exigencies of life, real (not CC) middle class is not an uninhabitable land.</p>
<p>lotsokids, you are judging your daughter’s choice of partner. Like others have said, I think you need to decide whether you want to increase the chances of a good, continuing relationship with her, regardless of what happens with this marriage. She’s an adult now, and she won’t break up with this guy because you won’t pay for a better wedding.</p>
<p>I think that in your shoes, I might want to make a pointed response to your future son-in-law re his comments on “our responsibility.” But I also think I would offer more than “a token $2500.” That’s not a lot of money to spend toward a daughter’s wedding, in my very humble opinion as a low-income mom, unless you really can’t afford more.</p>
<p>$2500 also seems very stingy to me. I had a nice, but not overly extravagant wedding in 1984 and spent more than that. So before you settle on a number, I’d at least look into wedding costs in your area and see what she could get for that. I understand you don’t want to pay for a blowout wedding, but I do think you should try hard to separate the college issue from the marriage issue. My Mom dropped out of college at 18 to marry my Dad and they were married over 60 years. She did eventually get her degree when I was in junior high school. And yes if your future son-in-law continues to say it’s your responsibility, you can tell him about the new world order and that he’s lucky that you are on board to help.</p>
<p>So you are judging not just the guy but your daughter for her past choices. I can understand your reluctance to “invest” in this relationship. On the other hand, if they are now being responsible and pulling their lives together, shouldn’t they be rewarded for that? I am not saying the reward should be an expensive wedding, but I think if I were in your shoes I would suspend disbelief, hope for the best, and contribute what I could. There are ways to keep weddings affordable (have it in the summer, rent a park shelter, get BBQ from a local place, get her dress second-hand or vintage). It doesn’t have to be $100K or nothing. I agree with other posters that the most important thing is maintaining the relationship with your daughter and setting yourself up for the future with this guy in her life–as well as potential grandkids that you will undoubtedly want to have in yours.</p>
<p>I don’t thnk you have to pay for a wedding. I absolutely will not do so. However,you have to communicate that clearly and timely, and that has to be the case for all of your children.</p>
<p>@garland (post #7) said it all and said it very well.</p>
<p>One minor point to add (to support the idea of de-coupling the college decision with the wedding payment decision) is that I can understand that you are disappointed in her decision about college.</p>
<p>But remember, she will make plenty other decisions that may disappoint you (where she decides to live or move to, when and how many kids they have, how they raise their kids, etc). That is life and most importantly, that is their life. </p>
<p>If you always had planned to pay $X for a wedding, pull out the checkbook and your biggest and most sincere smile and pay $X. No strings attached.</p>
<p>I would give something. But what I would do is price somethings out first so you have an idea how much a moderate wedding and reception would cost in your area. Then base what you give on that and what you can afford. Try and see how far that $2500 can go. Will it pay for the dress,flowers,cake,the church and rental of a hall? I think if you go about it with we can only afford x dollars and so I’ve checked out these costs and places and here’s what it should cover. This way it will look like you are not totally against the wedding and they should be ok with whatever you give.</p>
<p>Why do parents have to pay “what they can afford” for their kid’s wedding? How about they pay “what they choose” to pay based on the fact that it’s their money? I could probably pay a lot for my kids’ weddings, but I won’t because I don’t want to. I will likely buy my girls’ dresses and I will give a generous wedding gift, but I absolutely will not pay “what I can afford” for their weddings.</p>
<p>I’m going to continue to disagree. While life may not be fair, I,m going to argue against basing your support, financial or otherwise, based on whether or not you “approve.” If you’re going to contribute to weddings, do so more or less equally (and define contribute however you want). If you’re going to provide an education and one kid hits it out of the park with a scholarship, don’t withhold support from those who can’t. </p>
<p>The h is a minister. We see lots and lots of weddings and funerals and many situations where one set of parents or side of the family doesn’t think the other is good enough or doesn’t approve of the choices the other side made. Do. Not. Go. There. It’s ugly. Your daughter, your relationship with her, and her relationship with her siblings is far more important than anything. Treat her and this wedding the same way that you would if you approved of the young man. You will never be sorry for that.</p>
<p>Yes I’m definitely judging all of her choices they are cumulative! Because of her previous actions we chit chat txt here or there, but nothing like before her drug, drop out, rehab days. </p>
<p>The way I see it is there is no reason that “They” must get married in the timeline they have decided. I don’t see why I must support this and swallow the Kool-Aid and say “Yes, I love this idea!” When every fiber in my body says “NO, Why now?, Why so fast?” I could even forget the school piece if they would just give it 2.5-3 years get some time under your belt. See how fun it is after you guys have been together awhile and it get’s boring! The way it stands now it will be barely 1.5 years from meeting to marriage that seems short in my old brain. I know some people make it, but it’s hard for me to want to invest in that given the current marriage statistics.</p>
<p>Then add the school, career, etc etc it’s a nasty pill to swallow!!</p>
<p>@ordinarylives, we just disagree then. I’m not saying we will do that, but that is how life works. Hard work, diligence, focus, fortitude, and sacrifice pays rewards. Assuming one goes that route and the other smokes, drinks, drops out, and acts the complete fool… that they should receive the same as the child who spent years not doing those things is crazy to me.</p>
<p>With that said I doubt I could ever stomach more than a 10k wedding anyway no matter what!! The wife and I were married for under $650 and it’s the heart that counts, the investment in the marriage between the two involved, and not the big party for the relatives!!</p>
<p>Time might bring about a change in her attitude towards college. It may not. Time may change her attitude about marriage. It may not. I would protect your relationship with your daughter. Of all the things that may or may not change, I hope your relationship will stand strong.</p>
<p>If it were me, I would give an amount that I felt was comfortable. Allow them to make choices regardng the wedding. That seems to be about as win-win as you will get here.</p>
<p>You are investing in a relationship with your daughter.</p>
<p>It is true that the marriage may not work out, but it may also not work out if they do what YOU want (spend another 2-3 years together) and they guy was an Ivy league grad with sparkling teeth. It is not deterministic.</p>