<p>cross posted with yours. ooops. I see there is much more here. Best wishes. This is a tough one!!</p>
<p>You don’t have to contribute. All you have to do is conduct yourself respectfully, show up at the wedding and be gracious.</p>
<p>However, could you live with not contributing with regard to your other children if their paths are more to your liking?</p>
<p>lotsokids, she’s not, not, not going to change her mind about marrying this guy, nor when she does so, if you choose to pay just a token amount for the wedding. As most everyone has said, what you decide to pay toward the wedding is big symbol of your desire for a continuing relationship with your daughter. Sure, she and her fiance have made big mistakes but sure, they are both in a much better place than they used to be. If you want to be in her future life and perhaps in the lives of your future grandchildren, take a deep breath and wish them well with a fair contribution towards the wedding.</p>
<p>The main issue with what I have read here is the prospective son-in-law’s comment, “It’s your responsibility,” to his prospective father-in-law. That raises my blood pressure. What right does he have to dictate whose responsibility it is to pay for **his **wedding? Did the OP force this marriage? (LOL) That is the only condition that would determine some responsibility, IMO.</p>
<p>True, in the past, the bride’s parents would “traditionally” pay the costs of a wedding, but not always, and lots has changed since then. Young women no longer typically live at home until marriage, going from dad to groom. They are more likely to have their own solid careers. A HIGH percentage of couples pay for their own weddings, and with many couples both sets of parents contribute.</p>
<p>So I would have a discussion, politely but firmly, with the couple making those points about wedding finances, and as others have suggested, leaving the school issue out of the wedding discussions. Decide what you feel comfortable contributing, but offer it only after explaining that nothing is “your responsibility” re this wedding. It is their decision, their lives, **their **responsibility. </p>
<p>IMO. UGH – I feel for you, having to walk the line between not alienating the couple and not enabling them. Please keep us posted.</p>
<p>P.S. Disclaimer – H and I did cover the bulk of the costs for our D’s recent wedding. But we did this for very different reasons. As a matter of fact, the groom had anticipated paying for the wedding himself (he is eight years older than our D and financially well established). But H and I did not want our D to feel like “Cinderella marrying a prince”, so we told the couple it was our pleasure to do this last thing to support our D. The couple felt appreciative, but not entitled.</p>
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<p>It really depends on the reasons you are providing money to your kids. Is it because you are rewarding them because they are doing what you expect them to do? Or is there another reason?</p>
<p>I know of a person who did a lot of pot when he was younger, didn’t care much about his career at the time, did cocaine and even considered doing heroin. He cleaned up his act ,got married, had two kids and did really well for himself. You never know how things will work out.</p>
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I am genuinely shocked by this. I don’t think there is a “fair contribution” of my money to anything. There is a fair process, by which I will treat my kids all the same, but I get to decide when and how much I will pay for anything. I really hope my kids whouldn’t sell access to my future grandchildren based on how much I pay for their weddings. In our family, we contribute to education and if possible, to real estate. That’s it.</p>
<p>But zoos, there’s a big, big difference about being upfront about the fact that you won’t pay for a wedding under any circumstances and deciding to contribute nothing as a punishment for poor life choices. </p>
<p>Not to say that there are NO circumstances in which deciding not to pay wouldn’t be appropriate. If the two were current drug users, or if they had met three weeks ago, I think a lot of posters might have a different attitude, despite the general principle being expressed here. While both of these people seem to have made some bad choices, it doesn’t seem to me to rise to the level that would warrant totally or almost totally withholding support, especially since one foreseeable outcome of that is losing or severely damaging your relationship with your daughter. </p>
<p>If they are behaving and continue to behave like entitled brats, that’s another story.</p>
<p>I agree with most people who say not to tie your contribution to the wedding to her schooling. However, you might want to consider tying it to time sober. My sister just celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary. My BIL now has a graduate degree and a good job. When the met, right out of HS he was an alcoholic and drug addict. He got clean earlier in their relationship, but wanted to solidify his sobriety so they agreed to wait to get married until he was 10 yrs sober and to not have children (personal choice). So together for over 37 yrs, but married 25.</p>
<p>I would suggest offering an amount for an immediate wedding (agree $2500 seems low) and then increasing it by a % for every 6 months of sobriety. It would give the relationship time and give you a solid reason to argue for a delay.</p>
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I love these shows, too … I saw one not too long ago where a woman paid $70,000 for dresses for herself, her mother and her daughters. I was almost physically ill. In our area one can buy a small house or condo for that! I could have paid S1’s in-state tuition, room, board and books for all four years and had some left over! I’m all about big weddings if that’s what one wants, but good Lord. BTW, I got married in 1989. My dad gave me $5000 for the whole thing - if we ran over, we had to pay for it but we got to keep what we didn’t spend. We spent about $4,500 of it and my parents “bought” the leftover liquor for another $300 or so. We still have the bookcase and chest we bought with the leftover money.</p>
<p>The fiance has said multiple times how it’s “Our responsibility” which irks me already…lol. His family is large 100 people locally and ours is small 15 people, so they want to invite 150 peopl to this.</p>
<p>How rude. I don’t think I’d like this guy from the get-go!</p>
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But it hasn’t been addressed yet in any fashion. The parents are still within their rights to decide now that they aren’t contributing to any wedding.</p>
<p>Spending huge amounts of money on a one day event would make me ill too. I don’t think either of my kids is expecting a big contribution to a big wedding. And how outdated is it that the bride’s family is expected to pay? It’s from the olden days of dowries and being glad to get rid of the girl.</p>
<p>*The young man is 6 years her senior and on probation, ex drug addict who has been clean for 4 years, and is a spoiled brat, but she “loves” him. Think typical bad boy gone straight or somewhat straight. *</p>
<p>oh my…missed that. No wonder he made that remark. I’d strongly encourage waiting and waiting and waiting. 11 months is toooooooo soon for this sort of situation. I’m smelling serious issues.</p>
<p>What other things has he shown to be a spoiled brat about?</p>
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Actually, since I have two sons, I sort of like this … ;-).</p>
<p>What about his family they all want to come! I would feel bad if they couldn’t be there, ya know? They are really traditional!"</p>
<p>Oh good heavens. I’m a believer that “each side” should pay for their own guests. As the mother of only boys, I would rather die than hand the parents of the bride some long invite list that I expected them to pay for…and I’m super traditional.</p>
<p>As for parents who won’t contribute…then don’t expect to be able to hand your child a guest list either. PAY FOR YOUR OWN GUESTS</p>
<p>First off thanks for all of the replies 
it’s always good to see the varying opinions of people here. </p>
<p>I’ve searched so many threads and have seen advice ranging from: “They should be grateful for any amount in this day and age.” “My parents would never pay for a wedding if I didn’t graduate college, no way!” etc etc to the replies here in my specific thread.</p>
<p>A few people keep saying things like grandbabies and preserving a relationship. I would hope she is not that shallow to act in that way. While her and I are not nearly as close as we were before her stumble we are still close. We talk about things most Dad’s cringe about we are very open and honest though those conversation are rare every 2-3 months. Other than that it’s just txt here and there she has her life we have ours (Wife and her siblings).</p>
<p>I have teenagers at home that need tons of time, love, and ultimately $$, not to mention their college tuition too… assuming they don’t make the same choices she did. </p>
<p>We are hanging out tomorrow and will hash out much of this and then… all three of us the following week. </p>
<p>Just for a family history perspective no one on our side (All 15 of us lol) besides my wife and I even had a wedding. Her aunts and uncles, who have also told her she should pick school over a wedding, were all married Justice of the Peace, so we aren’t that strict in comparison lol.</p>
<p>On our side it’s seen as a waste of money for a big party and you will rarely ever see these people again. That ultimately the money is better spent somewhere else, but I’m going on a rant now. I want to show I care and want to mitigate risk at the same time with what my conscience can allow. I’ll let you guys know how it goes tomorrow evening.</p>
<p>**Even my daughter says “He is the youngest Dad I know he’s spoiled.” my daughter has issues, but frugality is a strong suit. Unfortunately people pleasing is a stronger suit… ;( </p>
<p>He will make statements like “You have to understand Molly. My parents have money. You are part of that now…it’s okay to ask them. My parents will help us out!” This was when they wanted to go on a trip for Labor day and his car broke. My daughter said “We need to cancel the trip and fix the car” he argued “No, my parents will fix it for us!” again he is 27.</p>
<p>True, in the past, the bride’s parents would “traditionally” pay the costs of a wedding, but not always, and lots has changed since then. Young women no longer typically live at home until marriage, going from dad to groom. They are more likely to have their own solid careers. A HIGH percentage of couples pay for their own weddings, and with many couples both sets of parents contribute.</p>
<p>Very true…and in the past, regular folks weren’t expected to pay $XXX a head for 200 guests to dine on Surf 'n Turf. In the old days, brides often married right out of high school or college and barely even worked - since babies seemed to come with the first year of marriage. Now, with couples marrying in their mid 20s to mid 30s…with good-paying jobs, there’s less reasons for parents of the brides to host the entire event…unless it’s a reasonable cost.</p>
<p>I’d just like to point out that OP says he is 41 and D is 21, which means that he got married either without going to college, having dropped out himself, or during college, but in any case, even YOUNGER than his D AND had a child well before she possibly will. So his hysterics ring a little hollow.</p>
<p>That said, the drug use by both concern me-although 4 years sober is nothing to sneeze at. It’s quite possible that because they have similar pasts that they understand each other and can help each other stay clean. They seem to be living responsible lives saving 2K every month!</p>
<p>The BF’s attitude is another issue altogether-no one has to listen to his TELLING them what they “should” do.</p>
<p>But in the end I feel sorry for this girl. Her parents’ love seems tied to her being “good” and doing what they want. If she grew up in such a house, no wonder she got involved with drugs. It’s when kids go sideways that you love them and support them even more so that they come out on the other side intact. </p>
<p>A friend of mine has a son, about the OP’s age. He was in trouble with drugs/the law for many years. Sometimes he was homeless, sometimes she didn’t even know where he was. Now he’s just graduated from college and got a scholarship for his Master’s thanks to his performance. He has a good job and is living clean. His mother never gave up on him and was the proudest one at his graduation. She never loved him or was any less caring for him than her straight-arrow, accomplished other son. </p>
<p>The problem here isn’t the wedding at all.</p>
<p>There are several issues here.
First, no child should feel “resentful” if you don’t contribute “50%”. That’s ridiculous and frankly makes her sound like a spoiled brat.
Second, the fiance sounds like a jerk. He shouldn’t be dictating what should and shouldn’t happen with your finances. </p>
<p>However, that being said, I don’t think college and weddings should be in any way dependent on one another. If you promised to pay for x amount of wedding, you should honor that. If you haven’t, you need to talk to her openly and honestly.</p>
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I got married very young and I am absolutely hysterical about the idea of my kids getting married that young. It is because of how difficult I know that path to be that I am a raving lunatic on the subject.</p>