<p>I am begining to understand why I did not marry a musician. </p>
<p>And which of you are serious, and which of you are tongue in cheek as you talk about handling instruments? I am having a hard time discerning…</p>
<p>I think all are serious.</p>
<p>vlines, don’t lump all musicians together. I come from an extended family of musicians and my boyfriend is a musician and all of them could care less if anyone touched their instruments. However, some people are attached to theirs, especially if they’re valuable. </p>
<p>I agree with other people who said something else might be going on here.</p>
<p>I am an amateur musician, I play an instrument worth in the $4-5000 range.</p>
<p>If my wife let one of her friends open up the case and take the instrument out without me there, I would be pretty p***ed off. If the friend was a musician who could play it, I would be a little less irritated, because I would at least have some trust they knew how to handle it properly.</p>
<p>I have friends with instruments worth 6 figures, I wouldn’t touch them without explicit permission with the owner present.</p>
<p>I’ve touched $million+ instruments twice in my life. You can’t imagine the stress caused by just picking it up. I can’t imagine the owner’s stress watching someone handle their million-dollar piece of wood.</p>
<p>For me personally, “violated” is a little over the top, but I understand the feeling. One man’s Strad is another man’s $2000 Fender.</p>
<p>Thank you for the replies. The reason why I put the question forth is precisely to get the many perspectives on this issue. It is precisely because I can relate to the musician friends’ feelings that I felt the need for differing perspectives like</p>
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<p>…especially considering I tend to be more leery of lending stuff out/having other family/friends/roommates show off/allow use of my stuff without prior notification due to several past bad experiences with having family/my stuff “borrowed”* and/or broken/damaged due to extreme carelessness and rarely compensating for the loss/damage without a lot of whining and/or attempted & failed guilt-tripping.** </p>
<p>That and having had several other older childhood neighbors and friends warn me about allowing anyone outside of closest friends see your valuable possessions because they may be “casing your house”. </p>
<p>Am also trying to understand why his wife would do what she did as I was raised with the idea that if something…especially if it is valuable belongs to someone else…you aren’t supposed to touch…much less use it or show it off/allow others to use it without getting the owner’s prior ok. To do otherwise was considered a serious form of disrespect against the owner of the possessions in question as you’re effectively nullifying his/her ownership rights through such actions…along with increasing the risk of that item being damaged and/or cased for a possible burglary. </p>
<p>As for guitars…it’s really not so much about the dollar value as the tendency among many musicians to regard them as an extension of their creative/artistic self/self-expression. Messing with it without their prior ok is not a good idea as I’ve seen dozens of time when I’ve seen the aftermath on those who didn’t realize this until it was too late. </p>
<p>Incidentally, none of my guitars are worth even half of my friend’s most expensive guitar…though I derive similar levels of enjoyment…as someone learning the guitar. </p>
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<li>I still hold one family acquaintance in contempt for nearly a decade for borrowing an old book of my father’s, then lying about “not borrowing/dad must be mistaken” when she actually misplaced it, and then after nearly 2 years…returning it without an apology or explanation. Really sets off red flags regarding issues of trustworthiness.<br></li>
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<p>** Here’s where my preference for rational/logical cut & dried analysis…while cold to some…stops it dead in its tracks. You break/damange it…you must buy/compensate for it…and you have no right to complain…especially when it was “borrowed” without prior notification. </p>
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<p>Actions like that are a manifestation of serious disrespect in my book. So much so that anyone acting like the above would no longer be an acquaintance…much less a friend or SO. </p>
<p>If something doesn’t belong to you…it’s not yours to give away.</p>
<p>Maybe he valued the geetars more then his wife and it was payback. Maybe gee tars take over house. Some people who collect things at the expense of others. She may be so sick of the sacred gee tars it was her way of saying look people touched them and omg nothing happened.</p>
<p>In addition to the real feelings about the instrument, careless handling can damage a guitar. In my elementary classroom, I needed a “no touch” rule for my guitar, because the unfamiliar children’s first impulse was to pull the string out, hard, away from the instrument. That can break a bridge or wreck the action.</p>
<p>Since the children’s curiosity was a good thing and I was there, I’d sometimes line them up to take a turn strumming. But I held the instrument, and formed chords with my left hand and let them run their fingers across the 6 strings. Then at least it sounded pretty to us both. I wouldn’t want to hear awfulness coming out of my guitar.</p>
<p>Many acoustic guitarists clip their fingernails very short. If someone plays with long nails, that puts gouges into the neck.</p>
<p>Speaking of curiosity, I think the wife would relate to this scenario negatively: she’s out and he walks a group through the house. Someone notices and admires her wedding gown hanging in a closet. The friend is curious about how it might look on herself, so asks to try it on. Husband says, “sure, go ahead.”</p>
<p>@#45 Wow, you build a shrine around “stuff”. Mistakes are made. If it’s one time thing, I would move on. It is not always clear why something matters so much to others. I let my kid take her instrument to school where kids play catch with instruments. Value of her instrument? Way more than friend’s guitar. We are here to live our life, not to worship.</p>
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<p>Calling the “borrowing” without asking for owner’s ok and/or the breaking/damaging of borrowed items “mistakes” sounds very much like several folks I’ve encountered in life/heard about from relatives/friends who try to minimize/avoid taking any responsibility for the above actions and then complaining when the owners are rightfully angry and/or demanding to be compensated for the loss/damage of said item. </p>
<p>In fact, it’s reminding me of an incident this past summer when I had to explain to an older former acquaintance why yelling “What’s the big deal?!!” to a neighbor after he not only flaked out on returning a borrowed item to him on the agreed date…but also returned several weeks late in practically unusable condition and refusing to take any responsibility for his actions has caused his problem to escalate from being a problem which could have been solved civilly to one where he’s not only being socially ostracized in his neighborhood as an overentitled flake with an attitude problem, but also being dragged into small claims court. In many ways, this behavior is of the type I’ve commonly seen among irresponsible young children and adolescents.</p>
<p>Growing up in an extremely disfunctional environment, I can well relate to the “don’t touch my stuff” vibe. Even now, when D or S aren’t here, guests are not permitted in their rooms (because D and S are not here to defend their “stuff”). Growing up, we often had sundry cousins living with us and many of my things were broken by younger, more “energetic” relations. I felt like I could have nothing of my own. I now feel much more “protective” of my “stuff” than H. Strangely enough, as far as the piano (which I’ve had since age 14) kids are more than welcome to bang away - the only rule has ever been “fingers only on the piano.” (To avoid damage caused by banging with metal or wood, etc. on the keys or the wood cabinet.)</p>
<p>ETA: Iglooo, it’s not about “building a shrine around stuff”. People have many experiences in their lives and they have certain feelings about their things which should be respected in some sense.</p>
<p>^That may well be but keeping a ledger who did what when does not help. We step on people’s toes occasionally. We can’t help it.</p>
<p>& when we make mistakes do we apologize & pledge to do better?</p>
<p>Yes and try to learn what triggers strong emotions beyond the incident. You may think it’s obvious not to touch the guitars but not so to everyone. I have friends in a top notch professional orchestra. They are not so possessive about their instruments. Unless the husband fussies over, wiping every little smudges and gives off don’t touch vibes, I don’t think I would have known.</p>
<p>I had a hard time reading past the comic books. I keep my old ones high up in my closet. I’d be very upset if someone messed with them or my baseball cards or my violins. Perhaps it is time for me to check the cards’ value.</p>
<p>My handyman once brought his g/f and her little son to help him out. They were painting DS’s bedroom. This mother opened a sealed box with a Pokemom to let her son use as a toy. My son had bought it from Japan with his own money, many years before. When he was home for a break, within minutes he noticed the box was opened and wasn’t too happy.</p>
<p>Unless the husband fussies over, wiping every little smudges and gives off don’t touch vibes, I don’t think I would have known.</p>
<p>Thats what we don’t know about this incident. Were the guitars in his " office’? Who were the friends? Had he allowed others to play them before? Was the wife surprised &.or apologetic or was she disdainful?</p>
<p>Some people treat items with respect, others casually. ( My H, dog ears the pages of books which drives me absolutely nuts) Part of being married is respecting our partner & their special idiosyncrasies- whatever they are.</p>
<p>Hunt- A man near us found a huge stack of comic books when he was cleaning out his Aunt’s house after she died. I saw an article in the paper yesterday that much of the collection just sold at auction for $3.5 million. Hope you went through your collection thoroughly!</p>
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<p>I agree but I would also insist it be communicated, not presumed to be known. In my household, we have a wind player and a string player. Not only a wind instrument is much less expensive, it is also sturdier. You would think the string player would be possessive about the instrument. Not so and it’s not just the mouth piece the wind player guards.</p>
<p>When kids used to have playdates, I would tell them to put away anything they didn´t want other kids to touch. There is nothing wrong in not wanting to share certain things with other people, but I would take more ownership in making it clear. </p>
<p>My nephew had a collection of guitars, and he put them on a stand (without a case) in his room. I am sure it wouldn´t be unreasonable when my sister is showing the house to people that they would be tempted to touch or play one of them, especially if they were a guitar player themselves. If those guitars were very special to my nephew, my sister would most certainly ask the visitors not to touch them. </p>
<p>I don´t think it was that big of a deal that this person´s wife allowed someone to touch her H guitar if she didn´t know how he felt about it. It is all part of living with someone, you learn about their likes and dislikes, and if you really care about someone then you try not to upset the person. Even after 30 years of marriage, there are still things about H that I am still finding out. </p>
<p>We have a grand piano which we allow people to play, not to bang. D2 has a violin which is worth 5k+ that she doesn´t allow people to touch, and she puts it away. She would be very upset if we were to take it out without her permission to let some amateur violinist to play with it.</p>
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<p>In my case and those of several relations/friends, the reluctance to lend/“don’t touch my stuff” vibe came from finding that far too many people “borrow” our stuff without asking beforehand and/or if they did…returned the items in broken/damaged condition that could have only come about due to extreme negligence and/or unexpected abuse…assuming it is even returned. </p>
<p>I’ve lost several books in my collection as a result of lent out books never being returned and/or heavily damaged to the point of being unusable. </p>
<p>This is also one big reason why a friend who used to be quite generous in lending out expensive imported DVDs(International Cinema, Japanese animation, etc) no longer does so. One expensive box set was returned with the DVDs apparently having been submerged in sesame oil and/or heavily scratched up. When he showed me the damage, my first thought other than “What were they thinking?” was “What kinds of parents/families raise folks to treat borrowed possessions so carelessly and with such casual disregard?”</p>
<p>Moreover, being “possessive” may not be due to the above, but also because some have a heightened sense of protecting one’s health. A reason why several college classmates/friends would seldom allow others to use…much less borrow their computers. </p>
<p>This is also partially a reason why several musician friends do not allow others to touch their instruments at all. </p>
<p>The musician friend in my initial post isn’t that extreme…but he’s had past experience of guitars being damaged because of careless handling by others. As a result, his policy regarding his guitars is to only allow close friends/relatives who will treat the instruments with due care and when he’s actually there.</p>
<p>I don’t think it even needs to be based on a history of others neglecting or damaging instruments. Musicians and other artists have an unexplainable visceral connection with the tools they use to create art. It’s quirky, but it does exist. When I go paint with others, such as in a life class or in a plein aire setting, I am very generous with sharing (some times very expensive) paint that others may have forgotten…but I would not share one of my old brushes in a million years.*** They are my babies, and it takes a long time for me to get just the right amount of play in the fibers. Also, I can’t quite explain it, but they are like an extension of my arm. They are part of myself. Crazy but true.</p>
<p>footnote(***although I will share a new brush that I have not used.)</p>