Would you take this at face value?

Parent Cafe
1

I have a friend of 28 years, we live in the same neighborhood. We used to be much, much closer when the kids were young. For the past 10 years we have drifted apart, only getting together maybe 4 times a year. 2 of them on our birthdays. Dinner is bought with a gift. We’ve been doing it over 20 years.

Her birthday is in July and we made plans to go out (last time was in March and there has been no communication since then). We’ve set the date and she ended it with “please don’t buy me a gift, getting together is the best gift you can give me”.

So, should I take it at face value that she wants to stop this tradition, or do you think she’s just being nice (perhaps assuming I don’t want to?). She’s a sweet natured person. It just feels awkward not showing up with a gift. It’s like I’m saying “thanks for the permission to not do it, i didn’t really want to” , which isn’t true. I like buying gifts.

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Yes, I believe she means it. I have a few old work friends (I am retired, they are not) and we have always made a breakfast or lunch birthday date. I pick up the check for them on their birthdays and they pick it up for mine. We do not see each other outside of those for meals a year (we do meet other times for meals but pick up our own checks) just so we can catch up on what is going on in our lives or at their works. No one wants a gift at an older age and no one wants to figure out what to give you either. IMHO

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3

I’ll send you my address- you can send me her gift!!

I think, personally, there’s too much gift giving. In the past six months, I’ve been asked 5 times for $$ at work…it’s too much.

Get her something small - a box of chocolates or donate money to a charity…or some bakery cookies…something that’s a gesture but not a lasting gift.

That’s what I’d do…but yes, many are uncomfortable with gifts.

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4

Actually, this reminds me one of those friends plays the lottery, and she regularly gifts people $5 scratch offs in their birthday card - so that is something inexpensive and kind of fun to give without a lot of trouble.

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5

Yes, I would believe her. I like the scratch-off idea, too, though!

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What if she wins big though? Would that change the friendship dynamics?

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7

If you want to give her something, write her a letter telling her what she means to you, recalling some shared memories.

It’s what you might write, if, god forbid, she were to die, but it is to HER not her survivors.

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You can also make a donation in her name to a charity she supports and give her a card.

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9

If she says no gift, I’d honor it. Treat her to lunch and give her a nice card telling her how much you appreciate her friendship.

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10

I have done this also with friends. No gifts. I have several groups of friends I meet with on a regular basis, and we used to exchange Christmas presents. Now, we just enjoy getting together for fun.

I would take her at her word!

And it is not about being comfortable or not about gift giving. We all just realize that getting together is as important or more important than gifts.

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11

I would believe her. It may be that she doesn’t need anything or finds it stressful to buy you a gift for your birthday. If you want the tradition to continue, you could tell her that. Otherwise, I would make sure I also say no gifts.

I have a group of four that go out for birthdays. No gifts except maybe milestone birthdays. We pick up the check for the birthday gal.

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When people say no gifts, I don’t give a gift. A few years ago I was invited to a 90th birthday party. This woman has everything she will ever need. The invite said no gifts, I was quite surprised when I showed up empty handed and there was a pile of gifts.

I would either bring nothing or bring a hand written card.

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13

That happened to us also. 90th birthday. We bright a very nice card and wrote a nice long note about how this person was so a part of my life for so many years. But lots of people brought gifts.

When we visit this person, we always take her fresh flowers, and we always take her out to lunch. And we make the whole day her day so we can do whatever she wants to do (we now live a six hour drive away).

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14

I would totally tell someone this and totally mean it. It’s ok for a friendship to take a little fork in the road and have some different “traditions”.

And being frank, yes she may not want a gift OR she may not want to have to continue the gifting on her end. That is not a sign of friendship change but sometimes people realize that things aren’t needed to convey feelings.

If you just can’t walk on empty handed bring her a card or a simple stemmed flower.

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15

This has happened to me too (I would bring a card to an event like this.) I don’t spend too much time fixating on if I did the wrong thing, or if others did…but initially when I see the pile of the gifts it doesn’t feel good that’s for sure. But I get over it because in the end I followed the directions. :woman_shrugging:

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16

Well, then she buys the dinner!

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Thanks for all the replies. My gut tells me she just doesn’t want to buy the gifts anymore.

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18

Maybe she wants to simplify her life and not bring more “stuff” into her home. I’d take her at her word and respect her request. Because if you don’t, then you run the risk of looking like a bit of a butthead.

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19

One person’s love language (choosing and wrapping the perfect gift) is another person’s “One more annoying thing I need to do”. I’d respect her wishes and just enjoy her company.

A Jewish social services agency in my town has a VERY successful program where you can log on to a website and adopt a needy kid in town for Xmas. No, you don’t “adopt” them, but the social workers in the schools put together a list for each kid of “what I would love for Xmas”, and then you take the list for your kid and go shopping.

When I first heard about it i thought it was strange. But SO many of my friends have told me that their gift-giving practices had changed of late-- siblings who no longer want to exchange gifts, teachers at their kids school who have request no gifts (this I understand- my mom could have opened a gift shop with the mugs, fancy soaps, stationary she got at the end of the year), colleagues at work who requested that they drop the Secret Santa, even spouses who have said “I’m buying myself a new set of wrenches-- don’t get me anything for my birthday”.

So these folks who LOVE shopping and wrapping gifts- now they have a very wonderful channel for all that love! And reading the kids lists is beyond heartbreaking at times-- teenage girls who request a store-brand bottle of shampoo and a new toothbrush, teenage boys who want “socks with no holes”, second graders who want a backpack with “straps that work”. Yes, there are kids who want the bells and whistles, but there are also kids who want/need a pair of Walmart jeans in size whatever…

So try and see it from your friend’s perspective- she doesn’t want to shop for you, and she doesn’t want you shopping for her. But I bet your town has people who would LOVE a nice gift!!! This same organization does “packing nights” for homeless people- new and nearly new donated backpacks filled with the things someone living on the street needs-- menstrual products for women, baby wipes, new socks and underwear, toothbrush, water bottles, little kits filled with safety pins and bandaids and hand sanitzer… and then a group distributes them…

Surely there’s an outlet for your gift-giving???

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I would just be sure to let your friend know that the “no gift” policy goes for your birthday as well.

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