<p>It almost sounds like your D told you because she wanted you to tell the mom. If this girls’ FRIENDS think it’s icky… it must be icky.</p>
<p>the young lady’s lying and both she and he taking advantage of the fact that her parent is out of town is the problem</p>
<p>if there’s any merit in the relationship (he loves classical music and she adores opera…LOL), the time to explore it is when the folks are in town, everyone can say hello, and then see what it’s all about.</p>
<p>If a 20 year old boy acts this way, is he being mature or immature? Maybe overripe.</p>
<p>he is being a jerk, imo, at a minimum</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It might seem so, but I think if the girl were very mature, she wouldn’t be lying and sneaking. This boy may be very immature. My guess is that he is. But he’s still in a 20 year old body, and he wants to be alone. On the first date.<br>
Bad idea.</p>
<p>Yes, I understand the difference. That’s why I would try to find the girl, in loco parentis or that sort of thing. Any adult can fill the parent role. If they’re angry they’re only angry at a distant bystander.</p>
<p>I was in that situation at 14 with a 20+ Hell’s Angel. My folks were in NY and I was staying with relatives in SoCal. Nothing bad happened, but not because of me. I was an idiot. That’s how I knew D wasn’t (I had myself to compare to).</p>
<p>Thanks, paying3, she had a very meaningful relationship that wasn’t exploitative of either of them. And then they had very different goals. He went back to VT and D’s all about the big city.</p>
<p>What’s disturbing here is that girl is willing to let boy call all the shots and put herself in a vulnerable situation. If no one knows where they are, perhaps wait at the house. She might need someone when they come home.</p>
<p>Hmm… I don’t know. As a parent I think you almost have an obligation to speak to her parents whether you know them well or not. I would certainly hope someone would say something to me if in a similar situation. She is still a minor and knowing about this and doing nothing sort of makes you and your D accomplices. If I were in your position and things turned out badly after I said nothing I would have a hard time dealing with that. If you are lucky her parents will understand your position and find a way to deal with her without letting on where they got the tip if at all possible. Either way though, I think telling them is simply the right thing to do whatever the consequence.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I fell head-over-heels in crush with a 17-year-old when I was 21. I had actually dated her older sister a couple of times, but there was no chemistry there (and she went on to have a happy life as a gay woman). The family was friendly with lots of my extended family, and had bought the house they lived in from one of my aunts; my mother had taught the younger one in high school. I had never met the younger sister, though, at least not since she was 4 or 5. For years, people had been telling me that I ought to meet her, I would like her. Did I ever!</p>
<p>Except for being an observant Jew and a committed Zionist, she was my dream woman – smart, beautiful, articulate, literary. Mature (although more mature looking and acting than she felt inside). I didn’t know what to do about it. The age gap was just a little too much for either one’s comfort at that point, but it wasn’t enough to make waiting for her ridiculous at all. She liked me back, but she was looking forward to a wide-open future, and she wasn’t sure it should include a boyfriend who already had a bunch of plans. (She also wasn’t sure what continent she wanted to live on, what language to speak. I was, although I was willing to think, at least, about changing my mind.)</p>
<p>We cooled it, without completely resolving anything. She was accepted to college at one of the universities where I could have gone to law school. Ultimately, part of my decision to go to a different law school was a desire to let her choose that college free of any worry that she had to choose me, too, if she did. I sensed that was making her nervous. I decided if God wanted it to happen it would, and if not, not.</p>
<p>She dropped out of the college after a year, and moved to Israel. She spent time in the army and the Mossad; she finished university and became a professor. We last spoke about seven years ago; she has a great life, and so do I.</p>
<p>Anyway, the point of this extended reminiscence is: not necessarily so creepy (I hope).</p>
<p>My D has been trying to contact the girl , to check in…but seems girl is ignoring the calls</p>
<p>We have called the house and the parents are off somewhere with younger D, and the girl didn’t share much about parents being away, just that they were</p>
<p>I have called some people that I thought would know, but this parents are kind of loners to a degree, and private</p>
<p>I have left a note at the house, and it is totally dark, sigh</p>
<p>I am not sitting on my hands here, just not having much luck</p>
<p>The girl and my D were never close, but have mutual friends, but not so much anymore, the girl is “branching out”, but seems she wanted to share about her big date with the girls, and wanted to borrow stuff to impress,bad on so many levels</p>
<p>Driving me nuts here, and my D is not thrilled either</p>
<p>My D and the friends that were here, said the more they thought about it, the ickier it felt…so at least there is that, they don’t feel the need to protect the girl, that teen code or whatever</p>
<p>And my D did tell the girl she didn’t think it was a good idea and that she wasn’t going to lone her shoes for that reason, so maybe that is why girl is ignoring texts from the girls that were here</p>
<p>You said the D isn’t extremely close to this person, just in a circle of friends.</p>
<p>Does your D happen to know the very best friend of this girl? Maybe the girl isn’t answering any calls from your D (just because she’s not closer to her), yet might take a call from a best friend? They know from ringtones who’s calling them, and sometimes screen calls that way.</p>
<p>If your D could convince a best friend to intervene, that would also break up the date…which is kind of the direction I’m going for here. It’s a lot to ask, I know. </p>
<p>If you can’t prevent the evening, then you’ve already decided to call them on Monday, so I think that’s good. </p>
<p>I wonder what messages your own D takes from this? At least she knows how you think about this and understands your values that much better. No need to even say it, I’m sure she’s taking it all in. Safe way for her to learn a few things.</p>
<p>Text her: “Call me about the shoes.”</p>
<p>If she returns that, the girls can chat about shoes for a minute, then all try to tell her to rethink what she’s doing.</p>
<p>But they may not be able to stop her. I think this is sad and you are all trying your best.
You can’t control or help that daughter, but you sure are to be commended for your own D, who already spoke her mind. Good for her.</p>
<p>The girl is probably very flattered by the attention of an “older” boy. That’s why they’re so vulnerable.</p>
<p>JHS - Your story is sweet. This one, not so much. I don’t see any similarities here.
You two felt attraction, but held off because you were mature. No lying, no sneaking, etc. It appears that this boy sees this girl as an easy mark. JMO</p>
<p>As the parent of an almost-21-year-old man (tomorrow!), I would certainly want to know if he was seeing a 16 or 17 year old girl… statutory rape laws being what they are.</p>
<p>We have good friends with a 17-year-old daughter. My son has met her several times and likes her… and asked what we thought if he asked her out to dinner. We checked with the other parents, they thought it might be okay, since they knew our son. We relayed the message. Meanwhile, our son talked it over with his sister (our daughter, aged 22)… who said it was just too sketchy. Son is waiting until the girl goes to college.</p>
<p>To respond to the thread topic line, I would want to know three things:</p>
<ol>
<li> What is that age of consent in my state?</li>
<li> Where is my shotgun?</li>
<li> Is it loaded?</li>
</ol>
<p>love that word sketchy…its exactly how it feels</p>
<p>no luck yet and D is going to school event later and this girl should be there, hopefully just fine</p>
<p>two thoughts:</p>
<p>When I was 17 and in HS I dated a 22 year old college graduate- what were my parents thinking??? He was too mature for me in many ways, and yet, here we are still married lo these many years later- he was not a sleaze, we just fell in love too soon, and since we met through work he did not initially realise my age. It would ahve been a far far better thing to have waited to date him 6 more months until I was out of HS, I completely lost interest in HS after we began going out. Even with a great guy, I do not recommend mixing such different worlds that way. So, yeah, good guy or not, it’s not a great idea. If you can keep that in the forefront of your talk to the parents, that could be good- no one is accusing him of being scum (maybe thinking it?) but pointing out an odd situation.</p>
<p>It may be very tough for the parents to hear that D did not live up to their trust, they may not be mature enough at the time to not blame the messenger- you could ask them up front if you could just remain anonymous- tell them you are a friend of a friend and have been nominated to make the call, but that many are concerend. Is that lousy to do? So often in these cases the parents will use your name to justify their position to their angry child, shifting hostilities to you for ruining everything.</p>
<p>An acquaintance’s mom called me when they were worried about my D’s sort of BF, who actually turned out to be a scary stalker. It was a good call, I was already worried about something nebulous, not sure what, but I knew something was just wrong, so the call fit my concerns, but a lot of people would have reacted w/hostility to the call.</p>
<p>somemom: Congratulations on the happy ending. As I indicated, I’m the flexible sort because we really can’t know someone else’s karma. As long as the BF is not physically, sexually or emotionally abusive I would not interfere if the boy is still a teen or the girl over 17.</p>
<p>About reactions to a call: I think we have to do what we know is right, let the chips fall where they may. I have made several Child Protective Services calls, and if they people never speak to me again, well, they don’t.</p>
<p>H spoke to his cousins about their very destructive treatment of their daughter. They stopped speaking to him, but the life of the girl noticably improved. I think he felt it was a small price to pay.</p>
<p>I agree with Mythmom on this. The right thing is to let the parents know. The young man could be nice, but the situation surely isn’t. At the very least, it’s not out of line to think of a 20 year old man being sexually active, but a 16 year old girl may not be. The sneaking and lying might be a way of him isolating the girl. My rule of thumb is to assume that parents are the best defenders of their child’s interests – barring proof positive to the contrary. Good luck CGM. I don’t envy you this situation, but I respect you for looking out for the young woman.</p>
<p>In this situation, I think I might tell the girl that she has a week to tell her parents–before I tell them.</p>
<p>That said, I dated a 28 year old man when I was 21. He applied for a job in the office where I worked and I asked him out. We dated for the summer before I left town. He looked like Jude Law. He was a rebel from an old East Coast family. Very exciting but not ‘long range’ material. He died in an accident in Bermuda two years later.</p>
<p>JHS, loved your story. Echoed the story of one of my boys.</p>
<p>I don’t see a problem in having a boyfriend who is older( my first BF was 19 and I was 16, we dated for a year, my parents adored him, were heartbroken when the relationship ended) . I see a big problem in lying and sneaking though.</p>