<p>My sentiments run along the same lines of most everyone else. The lying and sneaking really bother me–if this guy is okay, why is she hiding him from her parents? I always wanted to know where my kids were and with whom. Even now with them all away from home, I have a general idea of their lives and friends.</p>
<p>When in high school, our general rule was no dating anyone more than 2 years in age difference. It was never a problem, but I don’t think any of the kids were ever interested in someone out of that range at that time in their lives.</p>
<p>Now, however, d. is almost 23 and called to tell me that she was dating a new guy who is 28. She was so hesitant telling me and was surprised when I didn’t react to the age difference. I think 16 to 20 is a huge gap in where these people are in their lives–but once they have a few more years maturity, it really doesn’t matter.</p>
<p>Everyone wants to make sure the girl is safe. But I want to play a bit of devil’s advocate…What if the parents have never given the girl that much attention and would not care one way or another. By you bringing it to their attention may just anger them. At the same time, the girl may be upset with your daughter for telling.</p>
<p>When my older daughter was in 8th grade, some of us promised to tell each if we knew someone’s kid was doing something dangerous (drinking, doing drugs…). But when someone actually lived up to that, it back fired. You always wonder if you should tell your friend that her husband is cheating on her. She could already know, but just choose to ignore it. If you confront her with it, you may be forcing her to take action she is not prepared to do. </p>
<p>I would be very appreciative if someone would step up to tell me, but I am just not sure if everyone shares the same sentiment.</p>
<p>You may get a negative reaction from the parents when you tell them, but I think you should tell them anyway. My rule of thumb: if it was MY kid, would I want someone to tell me?</p>
<p>guys who are adults and who hit on girls still in high school are not only immature they are creepy.
I think there is an ethical obligation to inform her guardians ASAP</p>
<p>It’s not the ages as much as their actions that bother me. No older guy who cared about his teenage partner would say “no” to a request for a group or double date. As Zoosermom brought up, it’s pretty likely that the 16 year old isn’t yet sexually active. Maybe that’s part of her desire to go out with an older man. In any case, she may get freaked out by the situation on her own if he starts moving too fast sexually or doesn’t listen to her concerns. She’s reasonable enough if she wanted a friend to go along with them, so it’s not as if she’s unreachable in this situation. She could decide on her own to drop him, and he may very well just leave her alone if she does (I’m assuming this guy doesn’t have the confidence to stand up to a strong sixteen year old who’s dumping him, so he’ll either strike back or go away–hope for the latter). </p>
<p>If your daughter is friends with the girl’s best friend, she should call the best friend and talk about what her concerns. Girls are good at talking these things out and coming up with a plan of action. They may be able to handle this alone. Hey, they may even decide to say something to the parents if the girl doesn’t listen to them. At the very least, your daughter should try to get the best friend to “check in” on the situation. If the best friend isn’t worried or doesn’t help, then call the parents as soon as you reasonably can. Don’t be accusing or overstep your bounds; just say that you heard their daughter was seeing an older man and parts of the situation rubbed you the wrong way, so you wanted to let them know, and then go on from there. </p>
<p>I briefly dated a girl who was almost 18 when I was 14. I looked and acted old for my age, and she was probably immature for her age. It was a summer thing, and she wasn’t from my area, so we didn’t have grade differences to separate us. We were both virgins, and she didn’t pressure me into anything sexually that I didn’t explicitly ask for. Anyway, she left for her home state at the end of the summer. I probably missed her more than she missed me (she was my first girl-girl relationship), but it all ended pretty well. I think she took some time after high school and is finishing up art school now. But, different situations.</p>
<p>Halfway through my senior year in high school, I started dating a guy who was a student at the college I was planning on attending. Because he was putting himself through school, it was taking him longer - he was 22 yrs. old… five years older than me. Had my parents told me not to date him, I think I would have gone behind their backs, which would have been easy once we were both at the same school. Even though he was 22, and much more ‘experienced’ than me, he was very, very respectful of my ‘history’, or lack of. Since we had such a disparity in our ages and friends, we rarely double dated or group dated. If you can believe this, he actually went to my senior prom with me - something most schools would not allow now.</p>
<p>girl is safe, but when her friends asked about her “date”, she said it was fun, but that was all she said, she didn’t share in her usual way, not that that means anyhting happened, but I think she sensed her friends didn’t think it was cool </p>
<p>she made a joke about being “jail bait” for halloween and my D said no one laughed</p>
<p>I left a message for the mom, and I will see her at an event on Thursday</p>
<p>oh good, cgm
It’s always good to be able to see someone in person, catch body language and so on so you know if and when to press a point. Or, make a hasty retreat behind a can of soda.</p>
<p>For this reason, I find phones now my least favorite form of communication. Certainly I like to talk to people in person for delicate matters. Short of that, I like emails or this site (can formulate my thoughts, or reread a line without perseverating of course!). But phones? Ugh. I can’t handle it. The conversation starts to get involved and I can’t see the person, so I feel like I make mistakes in communication. </p>
<p>Anyways, just chatting here, and glad you’ll be seeing her in person. Maybe you do well on phones…anyways, good luck and keep us posted please.</p>