<p>"And by “Proposal” do you mean the Sandra Bullock movie? Interesting. I slept thru most of that one, as did both my kids. "
-Yes, one of my favorites. I usually fall asleep in action movies, all “Lord of the Rings” and “Happy Potter” types. They do not make my kind of movies any more. So, I am stuck on the same.<br>
Sewhappy,
I do not understand your Wow about my parenting comments. Isn’t it a norm that kids with working parents are better adjusted because they have to spend certain amount of time in after school, they are more independent forthe same reason and since they have many more opportunities because of higher income, they are much wider educated. My kid was in 5 activities when she was 7, because we could afford them. I talked to many who were seeking info from me, who indicated that they would not be able to afford many of them. The kids in many activities develop understanding of others with different backgrounds. My D. told me that, it is not my idea. By no means I can write any book about parenting, I have very limited experience, the one of working mother with the kids who had very wide interests and develop socially because of these 2 conditions. Interestingly enough, that is how my own S. raising his own kids.<br>
Anyway, I appreciate your input.</p>
<p>All I can think of is “wow” again. I didn’t get the memo on how it’s “the norm” that kids with working parents are better adjusted, more independent, and “wider educated.” Is this opinion or fact? I have experience as a SAHM and a working one. My kids, too, are well-adjusted, independent, and well-educated with an understanding of others from different backgrounds. Is that because I worked or because I stayed home? Or isn’t it just possible that kids may develop those values because they are important to their parents, regardless of the number of expensive activities they can provide for their kids or how much time their kids “have to spend in after school”?</p>
<p>This may be a jump the shark moment - probably time to stop reading this thread.</p>
<p>Miami, it’s your assessment, not a norm. Others may agree or disagree with it, and, I would venture, are likely to have very strong feelings about this opinion you’ve expressed.</p>
<p>I just replied…I really do not care if mom is working or not, it is up to each person to decide what they want or they might want to have a dad staying at home. Why would I care? Why anybody cares?</p>
<p>People don’t like to be insulted.</p>
<p>I’ve done it all. Now hubby and I own a business and I think about work 24/7. In some ways it’s a perfect job, I set my hours, I hand off small, uninteresting tasks and I get to set the tone of goals for the company. I also was always home after school. But in trying times I don’t get to quit or shut the office door and get away. Even on vacation we still have to be reachable. Until you’ve had to cover payroll you can’t imagine stress. Now I have the opportunity to sell and I still have mixed feelings on if we do it, do I stay on do I move on? People have asked me to sit on boards and chair things that I would do if I had more time. I enjoy the thrill, but am growing weary in other ways as well. It’s hard to be the one in charge but it’s also hard to not have enough control. I’ll have to ask the kids in 10 years how all of this impacted them.</p>
<p>
I don’t at all care about your personal opinion on this issue. I take exception to your use of the word “norm,” and to the sweeping assumptions presented as “the norm.”</p>
<p>Miami- there IS a separate thread here on CC for bragging.<br>
I disagree with your constant use of your own “random sample of one” to support your factual claims. There are many poorly adjusted, difficult kids from wealthy families who were stuck in multiple activities. Glad it all worked out for your family. Parent of the Century and all that…</p>
<p>I have admitted on many occasions that I DO believe it hurt our family in some ways to have two working parents, especially since my job was very demanding and I traveled a lot. I just didn’t have the energy to do it all, but I thought I was doing just fine! Turned out- not so much. As a result, I was not a great parent and my kids paid the price. We had some difficult years. Would it have been different if one of us had been home more? Who knows. I was home until they were 6 1/2 and 4 1/2, but it was the late elementary and junior high/early high school years that were a problem. We made it through, but I will NOT say that having two working parents (especially when one of them was me) was a positive for my kids. They are proud of me and they are successful young adults, but it was not an easy road, as I have shared before.</p>
<p>It has always been interesting to me that this topic - a parent staying home or both parents working - can and is such a source of controversy and guilt. For many, guilty if you do or if you don’t. Controversy is you do or if you don’t. </p>
<p>Bottom line - because all of us are here on CC - initially at least, because we were seeking out options/info/advice for our college bound children - is a good indication that in general, most of us did the best we could with the hand dealt and that hopefully, in the majority, our children survived and thrived well. There will always be circumstances. Some regrets. What if’s. </p>
<p>If you stayed home and still gave your children independent skills, volunteered at their school or other community places, found time to grow yourself as well - kudos to you! If you stayed home, did NOT be involved in your kids activities/school, did not give back to your community, did not challenge yourself in someway - well, then maybe you could/should have regrets.</p>
<p>Same for working parents. Did you attend children’s activities when you could? Volunteer when time allowed? Carve out a moment for yourself? Kudos to you as well.</p>
<p>Just curious-- I’ve seen a few parents say it turned out to be more important (/insert your own adjective) to be home during the older childhood years than during infancy-- why is that? That’s a perspective I haven’t heard before, I’d like to know more.</p>
<p>Ema- different things are important at each stage of life. Infants are helpless, and the instinct is to want to nurture and protect them. There are also all the issues with illnesses and ear infections to juggle.</p>
<p>Elementary school and up you have to deal with all the activities, driving them around, participating in school events and activities. It’s a busy time. Also, there is a lot of peer pressure and if the parents aren’t around, that becomes even more important. It is exhausting to have a career (I often wished I just had a “job” those years and could leave it at 5:00) and juggle emotional kids, swim team, soccer, private school selection and admissions etc. Then high school- whose watching the store? Whew. Glad mine are grown.</p>
<p>Well…think about it Ema…those older kids are involved in after school activities (sports and the like) that many parents just don’t want to miss. Also…teens really can get in MUCH more trouble “home alone”. One would never leave a baby home alone (I hope!!).</p>
<p>To be honest, it’s different strokes for different folks. My husband and I had VERY understanding employers who knew that our kids came first…and if push came to shove…doing something with the kids would trump the job (no, we didn’t ask for time off all of the time…but our employers understood when our kids were sick, had special during the day events, or times when we had to leave work early for a kid thing). Neither my husband nor I took advantage of our employers’ good will…and we always got our work done.</p>
<p>I don’t believe there is a right answer. It varies by person, and family.</p>
<p>There really is no right answer for every case. Even if there is a “right answer” it may not be the best thing to do. I remember when my son was in treatment for leukemia, feeling my heart wrenched by the agony some of the moms were enduring because they HAD to work. They would say in an instant that the "right answer’ would have been for them to stay with their child, but there were too many other pragmatic considerations in the picture. The viability of a family has to be considered as well. I saw many families financially wrecked by illness and other disasters when a wage earner felt that the right thing to do was to stay home and deal with the in house turmoil. But then, sometimes it does work out to do so.</p>
<p>In retrospect, I feel that the early years are probably the safest years to leave a child in the care of others. It’s when they hit the young adult, teen years that the big trouble starts and that is often when parents start leaving kids to their own devices. The ante can be very high these years when young people are over brimming with hormones and under endowed with common sense.</p>
<p>Kids are at school and they have homework (which could be done in after care). Parents are driving kids to activities after (they work or not is not important, at least one parent is not working when kids have to be picked up and driven to every day activities). There is no difference here if you work or not. And again, we can make arrangements at work to be at school during working hours if it is needed. However, if some decided to stay at home, good for them. I could not. 9 times that I was between jobs, I was in miserable condition that I do not wish anybody to experience. My friend loves to be at home, she loves to do everything that makes me feel down. We are all different. I have never had any regrets, neither is my friend. If one has regrets, then they should change their situation. Having regrets for the past really does not make any difference, except making person miserable. Everybody made some mistakes in life, we cannot possibly stay miserable for them, there is nobody who can live feeling that much down. So enjoy what you have in a time that you still can enjoy it. It could be a job, or TV or book or many other things…</p>
<p>I have been a sahm even without a stay at home child. My lonely only (tongue firmly in cheek on the word lonely) decided to go off to boarding school his freshman year of HS. H has always worked long hours 55-70+ some weeks so it was easy and somewhat desirable for me to leave a job I wasn’t passionate about 20 or so years ago. Going back to work 6 years ago was less then exciting, H was traveling a lot that year, I could tag along, then going back to work and having only 2 or 3 weeks vacation when H gets 5 weeks. It was easy to talk myself out of a full time job. I have a very part time decorating business and I like that fine. If I had something I was truly passionate about I’d work. I know I’m extremely fortunate that it’s all been a choice. My S has always been pretty self sufficient and independent, it’s just how he’s wired. His first sentence was “I do it myself mama.” His friends with two full time working parents and his friends with sahm or dad are a varied lot, can’t stereotype any of them.</p>
<p>MiamiDAP, it’s very cool how extremely proud and vocal you are about your kids and the role you played in making them great. I’m always happy to see someone happy with the results of their hard work at parenting.</p>
<p>After being a parent for 22 years, I now know moms and dads with kids who are having a really tough time and kids in professional and grad programs at the absolute pinnacle of the academic world, as well as parents with kids who are strivers in the corporate world and already earning staggering sums – I can only say that almost universally this much is true:</p>
<p>The parents with the most successful kids are always the most modest parents, the ones who do not volunteer their kids exploits and are a little uncomfortable when you find out about them and congratulate them. </p>
<p>I think CC has a lot of, shall we say, “seasoned parents.” That is, parents who get it that while our responsibility and love for our kids knows no end zone, we cannot gloat and boast too much when our kids’ lives are going well. Why? Because it’s unseemly and generally untrue that their lives will always go well. There are invariably rough patches.</p>
<p>Finally, I encourage you to apply yourself to developing some understanding of what constitutes a good film before you offer up your endorsements of truly tasteless, witless and generally terrible works such at The Proposal! Sure, sure. Everyone likes what they like, etc. But your love for that film just puts all your posts in a great deal of question!</p>
<p>^ Post of the day!!</p>
<p>^^makes me “so happy”!</p>
<p>QUOTE>>Kids are at school and they have homework (which could be done in after care). Parents are driving kids to activities after (they work or not is not important, at least one parent is not working when kids have to be picked up and driven to every day activities). There is no difference here if you work or not. And again, we can make arrangements at work to be at school during working hours if it is needed. However, if some decided to stay at home, good for them. I could not.<<</p>
<p>THis confuses me. Who is driving the kids if both parents are working? And not every working parent can arrange to be at school for all the school activities. My son’s tennis matches all start at 3:30 - there is not way I could go to even half of them if I had a “regular” 9 to 5 job.</p>
<p>I think there is a huge difference whether one works or not. I am at my busiest when my kids are home from 3 to 5. . .discussing their day, supervising homework, planning the rest of the day/week, driving to activities. For me, it is the best way to get in touch with what is really going on in their lives, and the time of day when they may just clue me in on any problems they are having etc. </p>
<p>I am quite lucky that I can choose to work PT and a lot of that is from home. I also fill my time with 2 volunteer commitments that I feel are extremely rewarding, just as much as my former (FT, paid) job was. And both happen to benefit my local community, so I get satisfaction out of that too. I think some people don’t realize how much gets done by volunteers who don’t “work,” in their local schools/places of worship/non-profit organizations that benefit them.</p>
<p>Is this the route I think everyone should take? Not at all, people need to figure out what is best for their personal situation. I do think as some have said above, that being around when the kids are teens may be more important than when they are babies. I am flexible now about being home because I think it is best for my teens. But I was a SAHM when my kids were babies, not necessarily because I thought it was best for them, but because it was how I wanted to spend my time. </p>
<p>There are so many situations where people of all ages and life stages may need some flexibility in their work schedules. Think ill spouses or aging parents, in addition to child-raising. One of my kids has a chronic health problem, which for about 3-4 months required many days out of school and many doctor’s appointments. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to work 5 days a week instead of 2.5. </p>
<p>In the end, everyone has to make the choice he or she can live with. It does no one any good to make big generalizations.</p>
<p>sewhappy,
I was very happy to read your opinion. Nice to know that people are free to express thier opinions that might be different from others. I am sure that you feel the same way, which is great!</p>