<p>In hindsight, my kids are probably better off for my having worked because I am an incredibly anxious mother, but this is the only life I will ever get and I deeply regret never having gotten to smell the roses with my kids when they were little. I was so exhausted when I went back to work. I hope and pray that my kids are educated enough and will have careers that will allow them to have six months or so of maternity leave instead of the four weeks of disability I got, supplemented with a few weeks of vacation and a week or two of unpaid leave. That’s just not enough time to recover, so I hope they will be valuable enough employees to get some more time.</p>
<p>I agree with whoever it was way back several pages ago who said they weren’t cut out to be a SAHM. I have great respect for those who made the choice to be a SAHM, but it wouldn’t have been good for me and conversely probably wouldn’t have been good for my kids. We had our share of childcare challenges and there are issues that happened as a result of childcare that cause me to feel some guilt, but when I weighed the pros and the cons for what was right for ME and my family, this was the right choice, no question. I can only hope that my kids survived well and turned into good responsible adults, but I won’t take either all the credit if they did or all the blame if they did not. There is research on what are called “resilient” kids, who manage to do exceptionally well in spite of the challenges they faced in their developmental years.</p>
<p>I am glad we seem to be back on topic, and not talking about dogs or annual physicals or movies or passing judgement on/chastizing posters for critiquing other posts/posters. </p>
<p>Now, if we could only answer the age old question… why is it, if both kids grew up in the same household with generally the same upbringing, that one will dutifully write thank you notes and the other will not? Where did I go wrong?</p>
<p>I have been conflicted about my choices (or lack of choices) from the beginning. I could have used my pregnancy to get out of the military, but with a self confident, “I would never be one of those type of women” attitudes, I did not. That opportunity passed, and we unexpectedly went into a wartime scenario. My husband was deployed to a combat zone, and I was sent repetitively back and forth to the Middle East. A babysitter pretty much raised my oldest child for the first two years of his life.</p>
<p>Getting out of the military and staying on the same career path, I have been gone a lot. I look at the positives of having a good income, enough to support us when my husband was laid off, health insurance, the ability to pay for excellent private schools, the option for both me and my husband to work flexible/low hours…allowing him to be home with the kids far more than most dads. But there are events in my kids lives that I have missed. Though they (after the first two years) have had the continuity of at least one parent always being there, I wonder how badly the lack of a parent affected my oldest. Not being there for him is something I will always grieve.</p>
<p>I think the best option is when parents have a choice. That they have a flexible enough income and work schedule that they can work when/if/how much they want, both of them. To not be pigeon holed by lack of career options, insurance needs or income. That would be the ultimate situation, but it’s probably quite rare.</p>
<p>“I am glad we seem to be back on topic, and not talking about dogs or annual physicals or movies or passing judgement on/chastizing posters for critiquing other posts/posters.”</p>
<p>We never stay on topic. Give it a page and it will wander.</p>
<p>I will always pass judgment and chastise posters when they gang up on and attempt to bully people. As long as people put up with that, patting each other on the back for, “Oh, that’s a good one,” some will continue to do it. Not cool.</p>
<p>Criticism is criticism, regardless of how it is justified. Chastisement can be seen as ridiculing/bullying too.</p>
<p>Sometimes posts are funny and are appreciated. If a post comes across as offensive there are other options. Ignore or report it. Fingerwagging/chiding is unnecessary and belittling. JMO.</p>
<p>Now back to topic - Class of 2015
Good point about genetics. I’ll blame DH for the missing thank you note gene.</p>
<p>So I got up early this morning and put on a jacket and tie because I had a meeting in town for volunteer work. This happens maybe once every other month. I went out to get the paper and when I came back in the house I guiltily reported to my wife, “You know, I don’t get up in the morning and say, gee, I wish I had a job to go to.”</p>
<p>I’m late joining this thread, but I’ve read every post, from the beginning.</p>
<p>I agree we should not criticize other women for the choices they make, to work outside the home or to be SAHMs (or some combo). Most of us are trying our hardest to do the right thing for our families and ourselves. </p>
<p>By the same token, we should not criticize ourselves, which I think we are prone to do, even if we don’t realize it. Sometimes I may think someone else is disapproving of me, or making a critical remark, when in truth it is my own insecurity hearing/seeing an insult which is not really there. (Of course, some idiots do actually make stupid remarks.)</p>
<p>It is the plight of women to be torn between our children and the world. What mothers do and sacrifice for our children, in our deepest hearts and in the smallest moments of each day, is never truly understood by another person, even the child.</p>
<p>A little off topic, but it seems like dads are often more involved with the kids and family life than when we were younguns. I think it’s great! Is this something you’ve observed, too, or is this just my view, not really something that’s changed?</p>
<p>My husband always had a flexible job and was the parent who did the errands and activities. Our fathers never, ever would have done that.</p>
<p>It was actually a huge problem in our marriage because I was so envious of his time to do those things. It took me years to forgive him and make peace.</p>
<p>My husband works from home, and when S’14 was younger, he’d have friends over for playdates. One boy said “wow – your dad’s home?” He said he didn’t see his dad until late at night, if at all (he was asleep by the time his dad got home).</p>
<p>And my son said “I want to be the dad that stays home, and the dad that goes out.” </p>
<p>“It is the plight of women to be torn between our children and the world. What mothers do and sacrifice for our children, in our deepest hearts and in the smallest moments of each day, is never truly understood by another person, even the child”</p>
<p>That is for sure, and you hope that some day they will have a slight understanding of this.</p>
<p>Add to the challenges that women have balancing the needs of kids/spouse and work with the needs of aging parents. The challenges of being in the sandwich generation added another unique set of diffiulties that I hadn’t intially factored into the equation. I thought that it was extremely difficult trying to manage all that long distance, for 8 years, but its probably harder for those trying to manage parents and kids in their home or community.</p>
<p>H stayed home for about 4 weeks with S after I returned from maternity leave at 3 months. He would bring S to my office where we would eat lunch together in my office while I nursed S the entire hour. When I came home at night, we’d have dinner together & then H would go to work for 4 hours. On Wednesdays, my mom would watch S & bring him for lunch while H worked an entire day at the office. We made this work for 6 weeks. H was never able to do any of the large pile of things he had assembled to do in his “leisure” while he was home with S. After those 6 weeks, I quit my job & took several years out of the workforce until the kids were much, much older.</p>
<p>One of my best friends took maternity leave to spend time with her newborn. It drove her crazy staying home, so she & her H agreed that he would care for the kids at home & she would go back to the workforce. Both of them and their kids were much happier with the new arrangement. The friend LOVES work & is lost without it, she’s the same friend who needed to work while she was having chemo and radiation to keep as much normalcy in her life as possible. Eventually, they hired a nanny, so they could both work while their kids’ transportation and other needs were met, especially as their jobs required increasing travel.</p>
<p>It is ideal when people have attractive choices as to how their financial, child and elder care and other needs are met. Those of us who have such lives and options are truly fortunate.</p>
<p>I sometimes think what this original question is that the ideal situation would be to have a “choice”. To stay home IF you wanted at some point, to work part time IF you so desired, or to work full time with arrangements that are perfectly comfortable for you and your family if possible. To have the luxury of choices and no guilt.</p>
<p>If I didn’t “have to” I wouldn’t. I have wonderful hobbies I would much rather do on a regular basis. On the other hand soon after 9/11 I went from working 60 hours a week to 24, and have stayed at that schedule…now willingly. It bit (hard) into my budget, but I have since acclimated and do just fine. In 2008 I was laid off for a year, but am back with my employer (still at 24 hours a week) and delightfully happy with the hours (3 days a week). Didn’t even stress while on layoff.</p>