<p>When we got married, I was working full time. Started having kids 7 years later and went to part-time - about 20 hours a week. Over the years of raising my kids (from 1988 to now) I have always worked part time, now up to 30ish hours a week.</p>
<p>I am thankful for the flexibility of the jobs I have had - they have allowed me to work, but always be done and home for after school. Up until about a year ago, if you asked I would have poo-poo’d “not working” - why would anyone want to retire???! More recently, I have the “not working” bug - even though I only have one high schooler left at home (2nd child is home in summers, 3rd totally moved out), I find myself admiring those who can choose to take the dog for a walk at 9am instead of 6:45am, who can go to the market during the day when it’s not so busy, who can meet a friend for coffee and not have “only a half hour” to afford to spend with them - stuff like that. </p>
<p>At the same time, we DO need the money. And, if I COULD stop working, I would instead choose to volunteer at a couple of non-profits that I wish I had time to help now. Ideally what I wish is that I had a job that allowed me May-Sept off - the nicer weather and longer days would be no problem for me to fill up - it’s the sucky winter time that I might struggle with “staying home” each day. </p>
<p>H says I have to work until at least 55 - at that time I can apparently go onto his health insurance at no cost. That’s three more years. We’ll see what happens then. :)</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to poo poo the equal rights movement, for the record. It was necessary and did make great progress. I just think it’s a shame that women who are interested in more traditional roles are practically shamed today… I have to keep it under my hat that boyfriend and I are considering having me stay home someday because people are disgusted at the thought and will come right out and verbally beat on me about it. It just has the potential to work out so much better for our family… especially with my issues, just working full time stretches me pretty thin. Allowing me to focus on taking care of the home and family allows me to have realistic goals that I can consistently meet (and enjoy meeting) in terms of contributing to the household, gives me the flexibility I need to stay healthy, gives my boyfriend who LOVES his job more time to relax after work so he can do his best work every day and even work more hours if he wants, and gives us time to spend together instead of running around like chickens with our heads cut off like we already do now… can’t IMAGINE how bad it would be if we had kids and we were both working full time, that wouldn’t work for us at all unless we had no choice but to make it work. </p>
<p>If I were walking into a relationship where my partner didn’t think I should be allowed to work (I have friends in this position), or didn’t think I was good enough to work, THAT would be a problem-- but if we walk into the arrangement on mutual agreement that I will be happier that way and I have the freedom to explore other options if it doesn’t work for me, I see no reason to flip out about it. But in this day and age and in this generation, people act like I am less of a woman if I am not interested in trying to juggle wife, mom, and employee of the year all at the same time. I may still want to do that, but I also might not if we don’t need me to. Time will tell.</p>
<p>When you say the women’s rights movement effected only a few women, I wonder if you are old enough to have seen the changes first hand and know what it was like “before.” I am 61, and think the women’s movement has a HUGE impact, even if everything isn’t perfect. Women have opportunities, and the majority of women do work. There is no segregation of jobs as “Hiring Women” versus “Hiring Men.”</p>
<p>Yes, but I would do different work. I’d give up the stressful, high risk/low reward job I’m in now, and devote more time to writing. Way to go Garland! Keep it up, mythmom!</p>
<p>I have written: a couple of romance novels; a memoir; a novel; and 2 screenplays (working on my 3rd). I really do believe that if I had more time, I would write more and the writing I produced would be better.</p>
<p>I am proud to say that I CHOSE not to work when my kids were born … that is, I did not have to stay home. My H & I decided that this was best for us, and we somehow miraculously made it happen financially. I say “proud” because my mother’s generation did not necessarily have that choice (she did, but not every family was so enlightened - plus, she was a nurse, so that was considered acceptable work). It is amazing that women - and men - can make their own decisions based on what is best for their families. I was home almost 20 years. It ruined my career choices, and it had a major negative impact on earning power and bank account/retirement account. However, I don’t regret it … but that is my experience, and everyone is different.</p>
<p>When I was in my mid-20’s, the head of my department told me that women who have children should stay home. I was shocked that he would actually say that out loud - not that it was in front of anyone but me. When I decided to take a leave after my first child was born (I did take a year leave, rather than quit, just in case), he thought he had made a positive impression on me. I let him know that his idiocy almost made me NOT want to stay home, just to p**s him off. </p>
<p>“But in this day and age and in this generation, people act like I am less of a woman if I am not interested in trying to juggle wife, mom, and employee of the year all at the same time.” If this is the feedback you are getting, ignore it. People love to stick their noses in other people’s business (hey - we are asked to comment here on CC!! :)). It’s their issue, not yours.</p>
<p>And would I work if I didn’t have to? Absolutely not. If I won the lottery (I like the $4000 per week instant lotto - should buy a ticket sometime), I would quit. I would do something … not sure what … but it would allow me to have vacation when I want to take it. That is what I truly miss the most about not working.</p>
<p>I agree with hour post about choices, Kelsmom–i’ve had choices, and I thank the women’s movement for that. Since my kids were born, I’ve not worked, worked part time, and worked full time, and the amount each time was predicated by my choices and our finances–not by what was expected of me or allowed to me. I appreciate that.</p>
<p>Way back when I was in grad school and became pregnant, the director of the doctoral program told me that of course I had an absolute right to continue right up to childbirth (including my TAship) or take time off. Even though I utltimately left the program for other considerations non-program related, I still appreciate that I was treated with such automatic respect–this would not have been true half a generation before.</p>
<p>I suppose I should thank H for working and supporting us, so I have a choice not to work for pay. </p>
<p>My parents both come from blue-collar, immigrant families. Almost all of the women worked, even in an era when most women stayed home. (Maybe it was just the middle-class moms who stayed home?) Both of my grandmas and all of my aunts worked–in food service, as store clerks, nurse’s-aides, laundresses, etc. Their husbands usually had factory jobs and were often getting laid off. Most of the men wasted money drinking and gambling, too, which put more financial stress on their wives/families. My dad was the only one from his family to get a college degree, and it was a point of pride for him that HIS wife didn’t HAVE to work outside the home. When I was in high school, mom thought about getting a part-time job in a bank, but dad wouldn’t let her. He said, “No wife of MINE is going to WORK!” It sounds oppressive or controlling now, but he would have been ashamed for people in the community to think that he couldn’t fully support his family and had to “send his wife out to work.” </p>
<p>Sometimes I wonder if my daughters will have a choice to stay home with kids. It seems that most younger men pretty much assume that there will be two incomes in a marriage and want to base their life-styles on that. Many people have the attitude that raising kids is something you can do “on the side,” not something that you really dedicate all your time to.</p>
<p>I do see a lot more stay-at-home dads/involved dads among my elementary school D’s friends’ families than when my oldest was that age in the early 90s. Never used to see dads taking daughters to dance lessons, picking kids up from school, etc. Now it is much more common.</p>
<p>I think both things are happening, that most families need two incomes these days and that most men expect women to do both. I studied the latter in that law and gender class I keep bringing up. Women really get pulled in every which direction once kids come into play, I think by and large the “women-should-work” identity has come onto the scene without the “women-should-be-devoted-to-family” identity quite leaving a big enough space in it’s so-called departure for that to happen-- at least, for a lot of women. I don’t know about you, but I feel both pressures in a way that is completely incompatible… thankfully the situation is made simple for me because I don’t want to work when I don’t have to and my BF, who intends to marry me, wants it that way, too. But for some women this is a huge stressor. There is a lot of shaming and blaming being tossed around against women who choose to stay home, and women who choose to work and leave their kids at daycare or with nannies as well. And, it always seem to be the women that take the blame. Even though times have changed, we are still the default, assumed caretaker of the household even when both parties are working, and many men DO expect women to juggle.</p>
<p>I walk into my relationships with the attitude that I have no right to expect to be supported financially. That would probably be true no matter what, but any guy that wants to marry me and let me stay home and raise his kids is going to be making my significant student loan payments for me, and I am certainly not entitled to that. I deeply hoped that I would find somebody that was open to the same sorts of lifestyle choices that I am interested in, and I am fortunate enough to have had good luck in that regard even though I didn’t feel I could reasonably make it a deal breaker-- especially not with those loans. But I know a lot of women not so lucky! My cousin and his fiancee are about to be married, after YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of fighting about whether or not she could be a SAHM, and they are marrying now without a resolution to that conflict… it’ll be interesting to see what happens to them.</p>
<p>Economics do dictate what choices we have–that is still too true. However, at least other people’s attitudes do less so. My mom, with a degree in psychology, wanted to work in human resources–she ended up as a switchboard operator. And then was told she had to leave that when she became pregnant. </p>
<p>Part of the issue is that most people no longer see homemaking/childcare as “real work.”
Should a mom/dad feel “guilty” or undeserving of support if she/he stays home and takes care of the children? Should those staying home be made to feel that they are “not contributing?”</p>
<p>Lifestyles have changed. There are so many things or services that we consider necessities today that didn’t even exist (or were a rare treat/only for rich) a generation or two ago–cell phones, computers, internet service, cable TV, air conditioning, microwaves, dishwashers, clothes dryers, that 2nd or 3rd car, vacations, restaurant meals, etc. --even putting your kids through college!
Life IS more expensive now. It seems to require two incomes because our expectations are so much higher than just food, clothing, shelter, and bus fare (pretty much all my mom’s generation had). And most families don’t want to “live beneath their means” to support a stay-at-home parent. They COULD do it, but it would involve lifestyle changes that they wouldn’t want to make.</p>
<p>I worked full time for ten years before we had children. We delayed becoming parents until we could afford for me to stay home. </p>
<p>I am thankful every day that I have been able to be a SAHM. Occasionally, now that the youngest is in high school, I think maybe I should return to the world of paid work. And then something crops up that makes me think “No, not yet.” : </p>
<p>“Mom! I forgot my (fill in with something essential that really shouldn’t be used as a teachable moment… scholarship application and today is the last day it can be submitted, for example). Can you drop it off at the front office?”</p>
<p>“The dentist is ill. Could we reschedule that appointment?”</p>
<p>“Honey, I completely forgot I need to bring a vegi tray, a case of water, and a sheet cake to the (fill in the blank) tonight. Could you run to Costco today?”</p>
<p>“Do you want to go to Hawaii for the holidays this year? All three kids have the same week off, and it might be the last time that happens.”</p>
<p>“When would you like to schedule that … furnace check up/fireplace cleaning/oven delivery/ icemaker replacement service/repair of the cracked window/measuring for the new shower doors/carpet cleaning/hair appointment/physical/eye appointment/colonoscopy?” The joys of not having to juggle work schedules or having to do all of those things after work or on the weekends is wondorous.</p>
<p>Just the luxury of being able to say to the plumber, “I can be here whenever you can get here.” is enough to make me rethink the importance of paid employment versus the smooth running of our household.</p>
<p>I am the safety net that keeps all the balls we juggle from crashing to the pavement.</p>
<p>I would love to stop working. Eventually, I will.</p>
<p>I’ve worked full-time for the last 42 years, with, thankfully, several periods of unemployment. (Glass half full.) During those times, I’ve gotten the kitchen renovated, redecorated the family room, had a couple of babies, gone to school for an advanced degree, and gotten my house ready to put on the market. I’ve read a ton of books, watched some movies, and met lots of friends for lunch or coffee or breakfast. I’ve gone to the gym on a routine basis and gotten very fit. I’ve been able to spend long weekends with far-away friends and family. </p>
<p>My answer to the original question " Would you work if you didn’t have to?" is that it depends.</p>
<p>15 years ago I had just turned 40 and we had reached a point where financially I didn’t "have "to work. At the time I had 2 small children (one was a baby) was working outside of the home and struggling to keep it together. I left the workforce to become a SAHM for 10 years. Everyone’s experience is different, but I found staying home easier and far less stressful than working when my kids were small. Just not having to deal with commuting and logistics was a huge load off for me. In addition I never once had anyone make a nasty comment to me about being a SAHM. I never felt disrespected.</p>
<p>When my youngest reached middle school, I was ready to return to work. At this point with one child in HS and one in college, I enjoy being in the workforce.</p>
<p>I am thankful that I have had a choice, many of my friends/family members have not.</p>
<p>Let us not forget that there are a lot of women who make it possible for other women to be working moms–daycare workers, nannies, housecleaners, et al.</p>
<p>My answer is no
I would choose to be a domestic goddess if possible…and philanthopy
Good food and good deeds would be the life I would choose…not spas and indulgance , but happily helping</p>
Women really get pulled in every which direction once kids come into play, I think by and large the “women-should-work” identity has come onto the scene without the “women-should-be-devoted-to-family” identity quite leaving a big enough space in it’s so-called departure for that to happen-- at least, for a lot of women. I don’t know about you, but I feel both pressures in a way that is completely incompatible… thankfully the situation is made simple for me because I don’t want to work when I don’t have to and my BF, who intends to marry me, wants it that way, too. But for some women this is a huge stressor. There is a lot of shaming and blaming being tossed around against women who choose to stay home, and women who choose to work and leave their kids at daycare or with nannies as well. And, it always seem to be the women that take the blame. Even though times have changed, we are still the default, assumed caretaker of the household even when both parties are working, and many men DO expect women to juggle.</p>