<p>Maybe I’m being a bit self absorbed, or having a secret pity party, but the realization that my life is pretty sucky on several levels has hit me hard as a boulder for the last few months. Summer did not go well with kids home from college…I didn’t cook much for them, let the house go, didn’t ask much of them but expected it, argued a lot, felt like we all pretty much wasted it. So returning (early=sports) for them (and me) was a bit of a relief. Now, I figure, I’ll regroup, pick myself up, and charge forward -getting life and my psyche and my body in better condition. Uh, no, that is not happening. I see families in the grocery store hugging or playing and take in the sweet moment, and then get out of the way of the huge guilt boulder the size of New York than runs over me. I didn’t hug them enough, kiss them enough, savor them enough! I should have made them do their homework, make their bed and do volunteer work. I should have taken us on more vacations. I should have dated more. I should have…been a better mother. A better person. A healthier person. A healthier mom. But now they are stuck with who I was and what I did for 20 years and it just wasn’t good enough. For them. For me. It was pretty rocky and desperate and lonely and lazy way too often. I fed them healthy food for school lunch that their friends would tease them about and then on the way home from school stop at McDonalds for our dinner. I talked about how we were all going to be healthy and walk and eat better but we only did when I had the energy or forethought to do it. The bottom line – I haven’t given them consistency in any area of their life except one. Ok, two… Or three. But it’s was certainly not enough. 1. They know I love them a whole lot (too much, they would complain.) 2. I had lioness passion to protect them or go to bat for them (translation: fought their battles for them way too many times). And I guess the obvious is: 3. I was always, always, inconsistent. Something they learned to count on. So…not surprisingly, I have adult kids who are a bit overly self absorbed, bright but not hard workers, who run hot and cold with me at best. And here I am at home now, still single after all these years, still struggling to make sense of it all, still feeling like surely no one else lives like this, feeling sorry for myself, feeling overwhelmed, feeling immense guilt (and shame), and like I really have so little to offer them still, other than the fact that I love them. Whoopee.</p>
<p>EVERYONE on this board at one time or another has had these sorts of doubts on the past but,to be frank…you sound like you are clinically depressed. Get some professional help. Today.</p>
<p>I was just reading this book this morning on my ipod- I think you would find it helpful.
[Get</a> It Done When You’re Depressed -Julie A. Fast, John D. Preston](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Get-Done-When-Youre-Depressed/dp/1592577067]Get”>http://www.amazon.com/Get-Done-When-Youre-Depressed/dp/1592577067)</p>
<p>(((sillymilly))) I can say that there are many times that I am overhelmed by motherhood and everything it means. I came to a realization many years ago, that there is a “best” way to things and a “good enough”. I used to be that mom that would stay up til 3 in the morning if that meant every birthday cupcake was perfectly decorated for a school party the next day, etc. You know what…it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. The kids like the cupcakes from the bakery better, spiderman rings and all. Everytime I feel overhelmed with a task I ask myself…is there a “good enough” way to do this that will bring sanity? Sometimes the answer is no, or excellence is required so the work is done, but most of the time there is a “good enough” way. Give yourself a break. It is not a perfect world. Motherhood is not a perfect profession. With that said, you may benefit from talking with someone who knows about coping and life more than I do.</p>
<p>Sillymilly, You are being very hard on yourself. No one on this board, I don’t care what they say or what they look like on the outside, is perfect and has it all figured out. As parents, we all go through different levels of that guilt/shame/regret continuum and IT sucks, not you. Maybe you need to take care of you for once and stop worrying so much about everyone else. Indulge in something for yourself; massage or other spa treatment, gym membership and maybe even a few sessions with a personal trainer, or psychotherapy. Take care of your self and get out of guilt/shame/regret-ville; it is crowded and the view sucks!</p>
<p>I agree that you sound as though you are depressed. A thought that might help you - We never had a lot of money for extras - older cars, no big vacations, modest house, etc. Then I realized that kids are raised in all sorts of conditions with all sorts of income levels all over the world and most people seem to turn out all right. Mothers are not perfect and we ALL make mistakes - ALL of us! It’s best to focus of what we did right and take comfort in that. Kids have to eventually take responsibility for themselves and their choices no matter how they were raised. I know that it can be hard to seek out help when you are depressed (just when you need the help the most), but please do, you won’t regret it and will be amazed at how much better you will feel. You will start to look at the world in a different way and the things that are bothering you now won’t bother you nearly as much. You are looking at your world with clouded vision.</p>
<p>“I was always, always, inconsistent.”<br>
Somehow, I think you haven’t lost your sense of humor. </p>
<p>“I fed them healthy food for school lunch that their friends would tease them about and then on the way home from school stop at McDonalds for our dinner.”
If it makes you feel any better, I let my kids have junk food for lunch AND McDonald’s for dinner. </p>
<p>“they are stuck with who I was and what I did for 20 years”
Yes, they are stuck. And it WAS good enough.</p>
<p>“surely no one else lives like this”
C’mon over to my house. . .my motto is, “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”</p>
<p>I was just talking to a mom from D’s class–I heard about her friend who is 37 and fighting a losing battle with horrible cancer. And she told me that the dad of the girl who sits next to her 3rd grader just committed suicide. . .after hearing that I thought how small my problems are and how I should be more grateful for what is right in my life.</p>
<p>Yes, you suck. So do I. But we can still count our blessings anyway. Still time to regroup, pick yourself up (with help, if necessary) and charge forward.</p>
<p>Peace to you.</p>
<p>Wait, your kids just went back to college? Of course you’re exhausted and thinking about all the things that went wrong. </p>
<p>Here’s the great stuff I read in your pity party: your kids didn’t drop out. They’re participating on sports teams, which requires a lot of hard work. You put your kids first for twenty years. You only gave them junk food sometimes. You wish you were healthier. These are really wonderful things.</p>
<p>So: your kids have gone back to college and you have time to change your own life. What’s the most important change you want to make? What’s a tiny step you could make toward that change? What would it take to persuade you to make that change?</p>
<p>Silllymilly, no parent is perfect. I am far from perfect. I am not a patient person, I love my children, but my life does not revolve around them, like many here.</p>
<p>I have had depression and guilt in the past, often tied to my perceived inadequacies.</p>
<p>My S did not get the childhood he deserved (in an intact two parent household), but it was not an awful childhood.</p>
<p>I did the best I could. That’s really all you can do.</p>
<p>I have regrets, and wished I did things differently. But you can’t change the past. You can change the future however. Make it what you want it to be. </p>
<p>Therapy could help you though this. Good luck.</p>
<p>We ALL suck.</p>
<p>We only try to look “perfect.”
Not one of us is even close.
Some of us have made some unholy compromises to appear more “perfect.”</p>
<p>You did what you could with what you had when you had it. Could you have done better? Sure. Could you done a he*l of a lot worse? absolutely.</p>
<p>Now. The kids are OK. Are you? It does not sound that way to me. I think it is time for you to see a therapist and get some help for yourself.</p>
<p>My mother, who drives me nuts…she really does…told me long ago as I was beating myself up for not being supermom, looking at things in the rearview with 20/20 vision…
“You do the best you can with what you have at the time…you can not expect any more of yourself.”</p>
<p>I have reminded myself of this many, many times along the road of raising three children. It actually does make since, and does help me. Something that stands out in your post are your own words “They know I love them a whole lot (too much, they would complain.)”. This is a very strong statement. Many, many children can not say this. Children who appear on the surface to have a ‘perfect’ family life. They live in beautiful houses, that dad works 80hrs/week to pay for. He does not know what grade his kids are in. Their mother’s are at PTA meetings, or take them to all the ‘right’ lessons, but are polishing off a fifth of vodka most nights…no bedtime stories there. These are only examples, however you NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors. My guess is far more that we would ever guess.</p>
<p>I am not a ‘typical mom’. I guess I was when my kids were little, but through middle and high school I would not qualify as suburban housewife. On the surface, perhaps, but life happens, and you just roll with it. I have sat with tears in my eyes, apologizing to my kids for what I perceive as shortcomings, that I have not been able to be like the ‘other moms’. They looked at me in all sincerity and have said they would not change a minute, not a single thing. Perhaps we had a few more dust bunnies than the neighbors, but I was always there to talk to…always. I don’t sugar coat a lot, but am quick to praise, they knew I was always sincere, and NEVER held them to a uniform standard of success… they were not compared. Homemade dinners were not consistent, but they knew every ounce of energy I had always went to them. Theirs was not a typical childhood, but it was theirs, unique, and they were loved.</p>
<p>I agree that perhaps a good therapist may help you sort out your feelings and help you let go of feelings of guilt. To see the positive things you did, and the wonderful children you have raised. You deserve that. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you’ll go for years… it simply means talking to an educated professional who can help you get through this part of your life.</p>
<p>My sincere wishes for Peace.</p>
<p>Sillymilly: You sound like a great mom to me, someone who is perceptive enough to know that sometimes we just fall short of the mark, no matter what. On the other hand, it sounds like you can at least acknowledge that you gave your kids the best you could at the times you could. That’s so much more than a lot of moms can say. You MADE THE EFFORT. That’s the most important part of the equation. There are so many parents who give their kids the healthy food, take great trips, blah, blah, blah…and then go off and do unscrupulous things behind their backs.
If it makes you feel any better, I’d love a do-over.
As for the rest you who posted here, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you are one hell of an inspiring group.</p>
<p>atomom, lol. You saved me the keystrokes. 
And OP. Do you mind if I steal your thread title? Succinct yet accurate. “Wow. I suck.” I think I have finally found my epitaph. </p>
<p>Anyway, it’ll give our kids something interesting to talk about with the shrink.</p>
<p>^^^I’ve always said that part of our job is to give our kids somthing to discuss with their shrinks when they are in their 30’s. I wonder what our son will focus on?</p>
<p>My Mom Sucked.</p>
<p>Give yourself a break - today. Everyone has just left and you are looking around you and can only see what’s in the mirror. Maybe, just maybe they too are at school thinking some of the same things - why didn’t I hug Mom more, spend more time with her, help her out…etc.</p>
<p>If you still feel this way in a week or two, then pick one thing to do to help YOURSELF. Eat a more healthy breakfast or take a walk 3 times a week or redecorate a room. Once you feel better about yourself, likely you will be in a better state of mind to give what you truly want to give to your kids.</p>
<p>If we had it all to do over again…</p>
<p>…we would still suck at some aspects of parenthood – maybe different aspects, but we would still be imperfect. And when the kids were in college or beyond it, we would regret a lot of what we had done (or not done), just as we do this time around.</p>
<p>We are only human. Our kids may not forgive us for our failures as parents, but I think we should forgive ourselves.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Not in my universe. I think most young people are focused on the future and on life beyond their families. And that’s as it should be. I’m not saying that young people are indifferent to their parents or their parents’ feelings, just that they have other priorities.</p>
<p>Who said that an important part of becoming an adult is learning to forgive our parents?</p>
<p>I’ll bet that the OP had to learn to forgive her parents, too.</p>
<p>I think the OP may have a little bit of the “trying to eat an elephant” syndrome. So much to do, too much to do, so that is seems overwhelming. One bit at a time, please. One bite a day and before you know it it’s all done.</p>
<p>^^spit out the tusks! :D</p>
<p>Millie, I can really empathize with the feelings you’re having and think that on some level many of them are universal. I think that it never hurts to have a therapist/counsellor that you are able to talk to and have a relationship with so that as issues arise you’ve got someone who helps you with perspective. I personally would so love the do over option tho and agree that better dinners would be on my list as well!</p>