<p>To the OP: Sometimes a new day can make things look quite different. Try to get a good night’s sleep and let us know how you’re doing tomorrow.</p>
<p>To curmudgeon: I believe that should be, “Wow. I sucked.”</p>
<p>sillymilly,
can’t agree more with what others have responded above.
we all suck at times: as parents, as children, as colleagues, as friends, you name it. can’t be helped. but we also don’t suck at times. and even the ways we DO suck or have sucked have kept life interesting (for better or for worse) and helped make our kids who they are. perfectly imperfect creatures. like and unlike us.<br>
i’d be willing to bet the farm your kids know that you love and have loved them consistently and ferociously and that they wouldn’t trade THAT for anything.
my two cents: be kind to yourself. talk to someone. regroup. resist the lures (and guilty pleasures) of guilt. perhaps most important, start making the changes you want to see. little by little. it’s not too late. and tell your kids how much you love them.
another wish for peace.
ps–and who are these families in the grocery store that hug and play and savor sweet moments together?!?</p>
<p>When I read your post, I thought, wait – when did I write this?! Then, to my surprise, I see that people thought you might be depressed. Well, if you are, so am I. </p>
<p>This summer, I managed to have 1 (one) outing with my D, here in NYC. She was home for 4 months and had plenty of free time, as did I. </p>
<p>I have always longed to be one of those mothers who had regular days for things: shopping day, laundry day, Sunday supper and the like. Since I have never been able to be consistent about anything, other than being inconsistent, I thought that was the pinnacle of good mothering. Well, maybe it is, but how would I know? </p>
<p>I comfort myself with these words from Emerson:</p>
<p>A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. – `Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.’ – Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood. </p>
<p>And if nothing else works, there is always foolish optimism. As in, ‘I’ll start a new life tomorrow.’</p>
<p>like . (mousegray’s praise of inconsistency via emerson).</p>
<p>You sound like a normal mom having a very bad day. Or if it’s really been a lot of days, maybe a mom that has slipped into depression (and you should use the opportunity to get professional to help you out of it). </p>
<p>It is tough being a parent! It’s not like on TV, nor like how people appear in public or what they choose to share with you. Most of us don’t have a CLUE what goes on in the privacy of people’s homes. </p>
<p>And if it’s tough being a parent, it’s REALLY tough being a single parent! You have to juggle it all! You have no other parent to take over when you have a bad day or run out of energy, no other parent to counter your weaknesses, and no other parent to reassure you that you are doing a swell job or to back you up. You have to work, then be coach, hard ass, comforter, dietitian, guidance counsellor, rule enforcer, homework police, and on and on. By yourself! How does one really do all those roles, with multiple kids (each whom is different and learns how to play you), AND be consistent. It’s not easy at all. </p>
<p>I think, as others have said, we are all far from perfect. And even those parents ‘close to perfect’ can second guess themselves (and maybe second guessing and sometimes being really hard on ourselves is what makes one a good parent!). </p>
<p>In second guessing mode, you could easily take your list and flip it around: If you had never gone to McDs, you might wish you had lightened up a bit and been a more relaxed parent. If you had been perfectly consistent, you might feel bad you were so rigid. Then if your kids were working too hard, you might worry that you raised unhealthy perfectionists because you were too hard on them growing up. And so on. It is so easy to second guess because there is not one right way to parent AND how our kids turn out is not just about us. Just hang out on here and you will see lots of ‘successful kids’ raised very differently (and ones with challenges who parents seem really fantastic). </p>
<p>You raised your kids on your own. You worked. You focused on them instead of focusing on your romantic life (which would have been tough on them). They played sports, when to McDs sometimes, and got into college. They still come home for the holidays. I’ll bet they had a wonderful childhood with a lot of warmth. Sure you maybe had cranky times during the summer but such are families sometimes. Closeness can breed tensions. Its normal, and healthy. And they feel so comfortable with you they can expressing how they truly feel at different moments. That is great! Maybe they don’t work hard but what is the yard stick? Do they enjoy college, will they graduate, will they get a job? Are they happy? Are they healthy? That is what matters.</p>
<p>In thinking about your comment about the “families in the grocery store that hug and play and savor sweet moments together” and it made me think about what we call “the picket fence syndrome”. You see the perfect and charming house with the white picket fence and you just KNOW the people who live there live charmed lives. Any time I’ve been able to see beyond the fence and get a good look at the people who live there they are always just regular people with flaws that have bad days and sometimes yell at each other. And sometimes what I’ve seen has been very bad.</p>
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<p>Then you are a wonderful parent and have given your children a gift beyond measure. There are children all over the world, heck, there are children here on these boards who would give anything to know that they are loved.</p>
<p>Amen, lololu!</p>
<p>OP: Next time you go to the grocery store, pick out the mom with the 3 whiny children, all under 5. Thank your lucky stars! ;)</p>
<p>Remember Phyllis Diller? She could always make the rest of us feel better by comparison. She surely exaggerated her incompetence as a homemaker (and neglectful mother), but she sure was funny! Read one of her books or see some of her vintage performances on youtube. </p>
<p>She talked about doing nothing all day, then putting Lysol behind her ears just before her DH came home. She said she had a grease fire in the kitchen–in the SINK. Very greasy sink. “I have seen bugs slide to their death in my sink.” :D</p>
<p>Seeing the title of this thread, I almost didn’t read it, but am so glad that I did.</p>
<p>Milly - I think you expressed how many of us feel. At least on some days. Prior to having my kids and when my first one was very young, I knew all of the answers. Now I find that I don’t have many answers at all. So much is “seat of the pants” and sometime the decisions I made were good and sometimes bad. That’s the best we all can do. Like you, I dearly love my kids.
Hugs.</p>
<p>sillymilly - I empathize and wish I was a better mother. But I did the best I could at the time. That’s the most I can ask of myself. Yes, I could be a better mother with what I know now, but I didn’t know that then.</p>
<p>“I have adult kids who are a bit overly self absorbed, bright but not hard workers, who run hot and cold with me at best.”</p>
<p>Reminds me of the thread in the parent’s forum about being glad the kids are gone back to school. Most kids, like us, are not perfect. I do envy those with perfect kids but doubt they are as common as you think.</p>
<p>^the first line of mousegray’s response (post #23) says it all for me:
“When I read your post, I thought, wait – when did I write this?!”</p>
<p>Cracked me up! I can relate. Which tells you something…</p>
<p>We ALL suck! (well, at the very least, you, me, and mousegray suck)</p>
<p>Hope you’re feeling better about things soon!</p>
<p>Just a side note about my feeling on the happy, smiling kids in the grocery store… generally it’s because their parent has caved and gotten them that bag of candy, or box of ho-ho’s to avert a temper tantrum. The parent who is really trying to stick to her guns, and stay consistent with her parenting is the one whose child is throwing a tantrum in check out line #6. They have said no to the candy bar. When I see these poor mom’s frantically trying to get through the line and quiet their child I often smile and tell them “We’ve all been there! It’s bothering you far more than anyone else.”. Sometimes they relax just a bit. Just another case where what you see on the surface may not be what is really going on.</p>
<p>OP, I could write the book on how many times I thought I was a sucky parent, even when I thought I was doing the right thing.</p>
<p>Hmm…</p>
<p>There was the junior high talent show where DD and I performed a perfectly awful song and dance routine. Why did we do it? Because I thought it would make her more popular if she was in the talent show. Instead, I just humiliated her.</p>
<p>To my shame, I let 10 year old DD go after a dead mouse in the kitchen cabinet with a broom while older DD and I stood there screaming. The mouse turned out to be a cat toy. </p>
<p>The times I cut the mold off the bread because I had to get to work and did not have time to go to the convenience store and buy a proper sandwich for DDs lunch.</p>
<p>The times after my divorce that I sat on the phone with my mom for an hour whining about my ex while the kids watched tv.</p>
<p>I’ve signed a sheet that said I listened to my kids spell 50 words when I really didn’t listen at all. :-)</p>
<p>Hmm … how about the Disney vacation that DH and I took with our new blended family that ended up in a screaming match on the Disney bus? Happiest place on earth, my ass. </p>
<p>The time I chewed out DD’s coach because she didn’t make pom pons. Well, she was better than many of the girls who made it. :-)</p>
<p>I could go on and on.</p>
<p>We had good times , too. Times where we just laughed and laughed. I’ve helped them with homework at 2:00 in the morning. I’ve been there when some stupid boy broke their heart. Both DD’s love me, and they know I love them. We did a lot of our growing together. </p>
<p>I sucked. I still do . But it worked out okay.</p>
<p>^^God bless you, Vderon! You’re funny.
(I have a million stories like that too.)</p>
<p>after reading through all of these great responses…now I’m crying.</p>
<p>I remember watching my D (first child) when she was about 2 and thinking, “right now I’m pretty sure I know what’s best for her. This may be the last time I know what’s best for her!” Or am SURE I know what’s best. </p>
<p>That was one of the last times I was right, also. ;)</p>
<p>sillymilly–just to pick up on one thing you mentioned…it’s not too late to change your habits for the better, if you want to. You can start with small changes, like eating fewer fast food meals, or no desserts. Or walk 3x a week…whatever you want.</p>
<p>You can still set a good example for your kids after they are grown. Their eyes may open wide (or roll!) when they hear Mom is on a “health kick” but they will take note.</p>
<p>Besides, medical science is making new discoveries all the time. (Now eggs are good for you, coconut oil is good, transfats/hydrogenated oils are bad, etc.) Just tell your kids you didn’t know McDonald’s was so bad when they were growing up! </p>
<p>I know I have changed some of my habits recently, some based on what I read, or on what my smart D tells me. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>OP,
It looks like you are asking too much of yourself. I do not like to cook, I have cleanning lady, so everybody is forced to pick up and organize their stuff or face reality of having it misplaced, I do not grocery shop or do any other shopping unless requested to do so, my college kid is almost never at home - very social, I am way too lazy to argue or do any of the above, including bashing myself for anything in my life. I just enjoy my summer and tell everybody that I am available to help after serving my own personal priorities (very many). I make a point that I do only what I enjoy doing. Everybody around me seems to be happy with me. Being lazy is helping me, I do not know if it is a good advice for you.</p>
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<p>Nope. I plan on sucking as a parent in the after-life, too. ;)</p>
<p>:) <10 char></p>