Fil and mil are planning to attend ds’s graduation in June. Background info: Fil is very “king of the castle,” patriarchal, and “men control the money” in his mindset. He is 82 and mil is 79. He is very cheap/miserly, but they are NOT poor people. Mil receives a nice pension from her years and years of teaching, but he manages all their money, does all the bill paying, all the investing, etc. He’s definitely curmudgeonly in general. I do not enjoy being around him.
Over Christmas break, we had some discussions about graduation. There are MANY concerns I have about their attending given their ages and logistics, but the one at the forefront of my mind right now is the hotel he has chosen for their stay. He will not stay where we are staying because he is too cheap (not that we are staying somewhere extravagant - we’re not), and our hotel has surge pricing the day of graduation, which he believes ought to be “illegal.” Fil always books all components of any traveling they do. Mil just goes along.
I have read the reviews for the hotel (actually it’s a Motel) on Yelp, and they are not. good. at. all. Lack of cleanliness along with numerous reports of bed bugs. Noise and questionable activities going on in and around the motel as well. Fil doesn’t even own a smart phone (though mil does), so I’m sure he has not read these Yelp reviews. Should I suggest to mil that she have a look at them? I mean, it’s really none of my business where they choose to stay. She has complained of poor choices he has made in the past regarding accommodations, and goodness knows she is aware of how cheap he is after being married to him for 58 years. I don’t want to meddle, but I am concerned after reading these reviews.
Any suggestions? I guess I feel guilty about knowing this info but not sharing it. But fil doesn’t like to be questioned/challenged on anything.
" Fil doesn’t even own a smart phone (though mil does), so I’m sure he has not read these Yelp reviews."
Do they have a computer? You don’t need a smart phone to read reviews online.
Are you responsible for their transportation grad weekend and their travel logistics? If not, I think I’d butt out. If so, if it was me, I’d probably pay for their room at the nicer place I was staying at and consider it a gift.
@doschicos - yes, they have a computer. Are yelp reviews online without the use of an app?
No, we are not responsible for their transportation and travel logistics during graduation weekend. Given past experiences with Fil, Dh and I agree that they need to have their own car, so they can do as they please. We will likely rent a car but may Uber to graduation. I suggested our offering to pay for their room, but Dh says he will not do that. Additionally, Dh says it’s easier for us to make the argument that they need their own car if they are not in our hotel. I do think it would likely be insulting to Fil if we offered to pay for their room. I’m willing to insult Fil to protect mil from a bad experience, but Dh does not want to do that.
I also wondered about offering a room at your hotel as a gift to celebrate the day, but given what you describe, that might not be seen as a kind offer. I suspect FIL would decide to be offended. (edit - Cross post!)
If it was me, and I had a good relationship with MIL, I would contact her and say that I’d run across the reviews and was a bit concerned. “Obviously, the choice is yours and the situation may not be as reviewed, but I thought I should mention it to you.” That sort of line. Then, she can deal with her husband and whatever reservations they find acceptable.
For what it’s worth, for a number of years, the closest lodging to my parents was across the street from a penitentiary from which there had been at least one escape. The motel/hotel was a name brand and less expensive than some other hotels in the area. The location made my mom nervous, however. Whenever she had out of town guests that would be staying at a hotel, she did mention this property’s proximity to the pen. Full disclosure was her thinking, I guess. Some chose to stay there and others paid a bit more elsewhere, but she felt her guests had made an informed decision.
I would let them make their own choices such as what they did before Yelp reviews. I am sure this won’t be the first tie MIL was subjected to a bad experience.
FIL is a grown man. Even though he’s making a really dumb choice in his hotel accommodations, it’s still his dumb choice to make. Besides…even if you DID say something to him about it, would your opinion and unsolicited advice really sway him & influence him enough to change his mind? Probably not since, as you mentioned, he’s a stubborn old bird who wants to do things his way.
When our kid graduated, we reserved a whole B and B and everyone stayed there. They all paid…but I reserved it.
That way the inlaws didn’t need to navigate hotels…and the like…AND we knew MIL would get to the graduation on time…only MIL…who is chronically late.
It was sort of like a block of rooms at a wedding! Everyone had to sign on by a certain date…and they did…way easier than having people all over the east Bay Area.
The day is about your kid, not your in-laws. I would butt out. However, the simple fact that they made the reservations on their own, and you chose to look at the place after the fact, means at best, you wanted to validate why you chose not to stay there yourself. At worst, you want to prove to them that you are smarter than they are.
I don’t know enough about your relationship with them to tell - your hint that you don’t like being around your FIL as he is curmudgeonly does describe a lot of folks in that generation.
I do like @doschicos suggestion that you somehow pay for their room at the nicer place - if you can afford it. You could of course tell a tiny fib and tell them that you got a “special deal” and their room was free when you booked yours, because of all the rewards, etc. you accumulated - then tell them if they want to they can pay you what they would have paid in the cheap place.
@Momofadult - this is my fear. That they aren’t really making an informed decision.
@GTalum - you are correct in that assumption. This is a decades old problem. My selfish concern, however, is that in this case, we will be impacted by having to listen to mil complaining and the ensuing bickering between them about his poor choice. I don’t want it to put a damper on our graduation experience,
Yes, one can easily access yelp and tripadvisor from a computer.
Unless you can recommend a similarly priced cheaper option with better reviews, I’d just stay out of it. It’s better to not tell other adults how to spend their money.
Lordy, let them do their thing LOL, they are adults. If these people are competent enough to be driving, this hotel stuff is secondary. You aren’t renting the car for them though? FIL rents his own car?
Could you have your kid go look at the place in person, and report to you that it’s a dump in an unsafe location? Then you could convey this as new information.
I can sympathize with the issue of having to arrange the logistics to include them, which is made more difficult because they chose to stay at a different place. You want to focus on the graduate and the celebration, but your mental checklist is full of caretaking tasks. And if their room has bedbugs and they visit your room - ick.
But if anyone says anything to them it should be your husband. Is there any reason why he wouldn’t?
@Sybylla - well, IMO, Fil does not have any business driving in such an unfamiliar, crowded place. But, that’s another issue.
@MomofJandL - dh chooses not to say anything. I suggested he read the reviews. I don’t know if he did or not. He does not have a great relationship with his dad.
I just feel guilty. I LOVE my mil. I want to protect her. If It were any other friend, I would quickly share the suggestion to check the reviews (if not outright tell friend what I had read). But in-laws are a different dynamic.
Yes. Tell them the reviews. Last thing anyone wants to hear is “bed bugs”! If true, it’s a deal breaker for sure.
Copy and print reviews. Send in an e-mail. To both of them.
Tell your MIL and let her deal with FIL. Let H stay out of it completely.
It’s more of a PSA than a recommendation. I’d do it to make sure they have a 59th year.
I’d be madder at DIL than H if she didn’t tell me after she knew the reviews!
I assume in laws are your in DHs purview. Let him deal. Just to clarify, FIL rents his own car on his own CC, not on you/your DHs card? He has his own insurance etc?
I wouldn’t want to sit near anyone who I knew had been exposed to bedbugs. Those suckers can get into anything, including the seams of your MIL’s purse, and hitch a ride. If I were you, I’d be screaming “BEDBUGS” to them ASAP.
So… if you are likely to be impacted by their choice, whether listening to them complain or having them be unwell due to lack of sleep, etc., it would serve you well to at least inform them.
I would tell them that while doing research for your own stay, you read all the reviews for area hotels and it looks like theirs may have gone downhill since they did their research. I would forward the reviews, let them know where you decided to book, and offer your help. (Yelp and tripadvisor are good links to give them.) And a cheap person might find the cost of dealing with bedbugs picked up at a hotel to be a compelling reason to spend a little more.
They are adults and can choose to proceed with their plans, but this also gives you the ammo to have a prohibition against whining about accommodations during your graduation celebration.
I’m going with Massmomm on this one…I would forego subtlety in delivery of the message in favor of screaming “BEDBUGS!”
Maybe imagining they could be moving in with you while their house undergoes extermination for pests you became aware of but didn’t tell them about might encourage you…
Or they deliver a pest to your doorstep…
