Since this is a pattern, I suspect they will find other reasons to complain and bicker.
I agree with Massmom and gouf78. Hotel having bedbugs is a different matter. Tell your MIL that it would cost $$$ to get rid of bedbugs should they hitch a ride in their bags to their home.
I agree with others - I would generally let them stay where they want except in this case it’s worth raising the bedbug issue. That’s pretty serious, and can have quite a serious and long-term impact not only for them but for everybody who might ever stay at their place. Personally, I’d yell it loud and clear once, then drop it and if they want to stay there anyway then it’s on their heads.
Can your H not say something to his mother about the motel? I wouldn’t butt out in a situation where bedbugs are mentioned in reviews about a motel. I don’t care how unpleasant my relationship was with my FIL. I wouldn’t want my MIL to have to experience that. If your H won’t do it, and he really should, I would mention it to my MIL and let her decide whether to fight that battle or not. I can’t imagine not saying anything and having family members in a place with bedbugs.
Yeah. The bedbugs change the dynamic. I’d print a couple reviews about the bedbugs and give them to them. Then they can decide. To be slightly fair to the motel, I sometimes wonder if “bedbug” reviews are planted by people who have other beefs with them.
Tell them you want everyone to stay together because it will be easier to get to meals, graduation, etc. ‘Treat’ them to Ubers for the weekend because there is so much taffic at graduation (and he’s 82 and shouldn’t be driving an unfamiliar car in a crowd).
Any hotel can have bedbugs, even the fancy ones. It’s how they deal with them that matter.
If possible I would tell them about the reviews and bedbugs in front of FIL, MIL, and DH.
That way everyone hears the same thing. And give them a printout of the reviews.
I would go further and have two other hotels with reviews for them to look over.
Good Luck!
I don’t see the issue at all. Call them, tell them you read the hotel is not a decent place to stay, has had bed bugs, and they could very well end up bringing them home & end up w/ an expensive infestation.
I don’t care for either one of my IL’s either, so I would have no issue at all in telling them something like this, and if I did care for them, I would be even more inclined to tell them as I wouldn’t want them to have such a bad experience.
I see a couple of options. First, reserve a second room. That way when the stuff hits the fan, MIL will have a nice place to stay. Second, punt to your husband and have him tell dad to get his cheap butt out of that rent by the hour motel, man up, and put mom up in a decent place. Then watch the fireworks.
Offer to pay the difference? Really, it will be so much less stressful staying in the same hotel.
Our families are under the belief that my hotel points cover everything and anything. Yes, I do have tons of hotel points, and yes we use them when we can. But, for graduation weekends and big events, etc hotels don’t always accept points. Anyhow, my in laws don’t know that. Hubby calls them, tells them we’re all staying on points and that ends that. He insisted on covering all meals and let them know ahead of time it was our celebration, we wanted them participating and it meant a lot to our son to have them there. But his family does not have much money. If you like your mother in law, I would give her a heads up. Make it easy for them to switch. Maybe even reserve an extra room if you can and tell them someone backed out.
We started off this summer by sharing with them where we would be staying. So, Fil would know ahead of time what are plans were and could stay in our hotel if he chose to. He booked one hotel, which was further away from campus than we are staying. I’m not sure why, but he told us at Thanksgiving that he’d decided to change hotels. He’s now closer to campus, but in a different direction.
@twoinanddone - the truth is that I don’t want us all to stay together. But, I would do it out of concern for my mil. It is easier if they are not riding with us which would certainly be expected if they were in our hotel. We may look into ordering Ubers for them. They have never used Uber before. Regardless, they have to have a way to leave when Fil decides he is ready to go. I am not sure he is going to have the stamina to make it through the whole day. Mil will have no issues - she runs circles around me. I firmly believe that he is underestimating the physical demands of the day and in denial about his ability to do all the walking that is necessary. But, that is a whole other issue.
I have suggested that Dh say something in the interest of protecting his mother. Dh feels like his mother knows what she is dealing with. I will broach dh one more time about it. At some point I have to give up. Dh has pointed out that, like his father, I like to be in control. I absolutely concede this point.
My husband would,say nothing also. When it came time for DDs graduation…I just made the B and B reservations…for all attending. They paid. Really it was so much easier.
You should listen to your DH. This Is going to ruin your families important day as you get further into the weeds in a pissing contest with your FIL.My inlaws are not MY family, They are my DHs and my kid’s, but not mine. Step back and accept your behaviour is just as much of a potential grenade as his is. Let it play out without your involvement.
Say something to your MIL and give her the head’s up. She can fight her own battles if so inclined. She’s been either fighting or caving for 58 years. Probably a good combination. Let her figure it out.
But cross that potential guilt off your plate. Tell her. Like I said–it’s a PSA. They can live with it or not.
Don’t involve H in the telling if he doesn’t want to get involved–leap frog that pit and just tell MIL yourself.
@Sybylla - I know you are right about my behavior. I’m just concerned about how his choices are going to impact me. I don’t want my behavior to be a grenade, but I want to protect mil. I can’t do that without overstepping my bounds.
I feel like the whole thing is going to be an unmitigated disaster - beyond the hotel issue. I have other concerns as well. I’m definitely picking up a bottle of Jack as soon as we get into town.
@thumper1 - I can’t make a reservation and insist Fil pay.
I would think about the impact on the graduate, who is ultimately the most important player in the band here. Your H should be taking the lead on this, and maybe if he thinks about the effect it will have on your child’s enjoyment of their special day, he might be more inspired to deal with the situation. I understand wanting to be in control; I am the same way, but I have also been practicing pulling back with regard to H’s dealings with his family (his mom and sister) and letting him do it. Things don’t always turn out as I want, but I work to minimize the negative effects on me and my kids and let H handle it.
The bedbugs creep me out. Is there any way to check with the Health Department in the town to see if the hotel really has been cited for them or if it is just bad reviews? If it’s true, I would definitely tell the IL’s about it. If FIL is truly money conscious, the thought of having to pay for remediation in his house might be enough of an inducement to move elsewhere. I would also offer to pay the difference like the poster upthread.
“This is a decades old problem. My selfish concern, however, is that in this case, we will be impacted by having to listen to mil complaining and the ensuing bickering between them about his poor choice. I don’t want it to put a damper on our graduation experience”
I really do get where you are coming from, but I would simply not allow myself to be FIL’s victim. MIL chooses to go along with it, and that’s the part you have to accept, but you don’t have to accept them heaping it on you.
If your H will not communicate the issues to his parents, or at least to his mother, or if he does communicate them, and they do nothing, then you really should just refuse to deal with complaining and bickering. I would change the subject, excuse myself to the bathroom, or just say, “I"m so sorry to hear that. So how about those…” and change the subject again. I would make it clear to your H that you are just not having it, and if he won’t deal with it ahead of time, that you won’t deal with them, either. Maybe you have to put in a sympathetic face and say, “Oh, dear” like a broken record. I wouldn’t feed the issue.
Alternatively, I have had “Inlaw Bingo” games where I silently mark a place on the board when they do an expected annoying thing. Bonus is when I get to play this with other people, and we silently mouth or quietly whisper “Bingo” after a consecutive run. This is rather more passive aggressive than my usual advice, but pretty fun. Double bonus if you get to sip wine when they do the thing.
@katespeare - ha ha! Yes, I am familiar with the game of “dysfunctional family bingo.” 