You have a little trouble letting things go, I’m guessing? You’ve made your feelings clear, nobody is worried but you. Don’t disasterize a fine plan. If they are unhappy , they’ll live. It won’t ruin anything unless you can’t let it go and enjoy the event. Practice silently rollling your eyes!!
When I saw the title “a poor choice in hotel made by FIL”, I was expecting a very different thread topic. Being adults, they are entitled to choose at which hotel they’d like to stay. Yelp reviews are often not a representative experience and often contradict one another. I wouldn’t assume any one review is gospel. Nevertheless, you should be able to share the Yelp reviews of the hotel if you like, just let them make their own decisions about whether they want to change hotels in response to that knowledge. And be happy that they are making the trip out to see the graduation. A large portion of grandparents would not, especially ones who are ~80 years old.
oh I’ve been here before. Oy. It’s easy to say “they’re adults…if they want to make this decision, it’s none of your concern” but if they’re anything like my late m-in-law, they will stay there and then 1) complain about where they’re staying and 2) possibly have health issues/exhaustion because of the bad choice (that will then affect the larger family). Even with that knowledge, though, there’s literally nothing you can do about it. So steel yourself for it…and don’t let it ruin what sounds like a lovely day.
@SouthernHope - yes. I do believe it will affect the “larger family” - which isn’t large at all. Just the three of us (Ds is an only) and my in-laws. No buffers. My parents both died when I was 24. And, I’m an only. Dh’s sister and family are not attending. It is 1,800+ miles away. Fil is using miles for free airline tickets for the two of them - a three-leg flight.
@Data10 - it is nice that they want to go. I fear it will be too much physically for Fil.
@greenbutton - either I am very transparent or you are very discerning or both! I absolutely have trouble letting go,
Is this an indoor or outdoor graduation? That may significantly affect your FIL’s ability to manage the festivities. Will the school have assistance for seniors who need it? (ie, golf carts, shuttle bus from parking area) It was 92 degrees in Boston the day S2 graduated and the seating was outdoors on folding chairs, mostly in the sun. Brutal. They were passing out free water bottles. Thankfully, the picnic lunch afterwards (a couple of tents set up for those who needed it, but most of us were sitting in the grass) was shaded.
Are they flying in the day before graduation? (are you picking them up? will they have gateside assistance?) That’s enough to knock anyone for a loop.
Do you know how far away FIL and MIL may have to park (and then walk) to get to the actual site? May be a long way from designated graduation parking to the actual venue.
We never considered having either surviving grandparent (or our sibs) come to graduation. I regret that the guys didn’t see each other graduate. S2 didn’t get to attend S1’s graduation because he was my medical guardian while I was still in the hospital (so that DH could attend), and S1 was 3,000 miles away working when S2 graduated. S1 and S2 talked about it, and S2 said it was ok if S1 didn’t fly out, but I kind of wish S1 had made more of an effort.
Hoggirl, you are not alone – I don’t let go, either!
@Hoggirl Check with the CC community that Uber is available on graduation day. While Uber is a reasonable transportation method during the rest of the year, gridlock occurs on graduation day. Surge pricing and horrible wait times.
@CountingDown - oh, yes. I have too much awareness! It’s Stanford. The campus is HUGE. We were out Thanksfiving, and I had 10,000 steps in before lunch.
They fly in Friday, and graduation is Sunday. All outside. Large ceremony in stadium followed by diploma ceremony one hour later. They haven’t announced venues for diploma locations, but the last two years ds’s degree has been awarded as far as is humanly possible from the stadium - 1.2 miles walking per Google maps. The commencement website makes it clear that there are NO shuttles between the stadium ceremony and the diploma conferral. It also makes it clear that it is hot and in the sun for the stadium part. Last year it was 102!!! Uncharacteristically hot, of course, but there are no guarantees. Fil just keeps saying that “San Francisco is known for its cool summers.” Um, yeah - Stanford’s not in SF. As far as parking goes, a handicap sign can be requested. Fil doesn’t have one of these. They list places wheelchair rental places. He doesn’t use a wheel chair. He’ll never go for that. I e-mailed them and asked about Übering between the two. They said they didn’t know but thighs it would I be very difficult be uses of all the pedestrian traffic. Plus, who jones if they would be timely. I have suggested they only attend the diploma part. I’m hoping once he sees it live and in person, he will agree, but, as of now, it is clear he doesn’t want to miss a thing.
The hotel is just the tip,of the iceberg.
Call someplace like the disabilities office. My kid graduated from Santa Clara…just down the road. They had a fleet of golf carts to move people from the parking areas to the stadium for the graduation.
I find it hard to believe that Stanford isn’t making some kids of accommodations for those who can’t walk a mile or more.
I’m surprised anyone gives Yelp that much credence. At the very least, I’d check Trip Advisor, which I think is a LOT more accurate, before I said anything. I also think Hunt’s suggestion–have your kid check the place in person–is a good one.
Yikes SV hotel pricing!!! What motel is that? Mr. B stays in that area regularly, and some motels are not that bad. Some are true dumps…
I agree with those who have suggested to let your H handle the matter. They are his parents and he can likely intervene without it being perceived as meddling by his father. If you send the Yelp reviews to your MIL I think they both will interpret that as an attempt to circumvent your FIL --which in reality it is – although I fully understand your concerns and think they are valid ones.
I would have your son check out the hotel and advise your H on what he finds. Let your H take it from there.
All I can suggest is that you call the in-laws and tell them your son would really like everyone to stay in the same place so you can spend more family time together and would they please do this for him. (if you don’t want them at your hotel, I understand but don’t have any advice) At this point, I have been to a whole lot of graduations and would be shocked if there isn’t transport available for the elderly. But let that transport be in charge of getting them from place to place. It will be impossible for you to do this and also be there for your child. imho. Good Luck! Have Fun!
Honestly, I don’t get the different cars/different hotels thing if your in-laws are in their 80s. I understand family dynamics can be difficult as I’ve had experience with such. But to me, given the chaos of logistics around a large school graduation and the age of your in-laws, I do believe in compromising to accommodate them even if it means paying for all or part of their hotel room, putting up with some whining, driving them, etc. They are your son’s only grandparents. I think it is great they want to come to the graduation. Driving them, even if only for the graduation itself not the whole weekend means you can potentially drop them off closer to the venue and then parking, picking them up after so less walking, etc. To me, those are just accommodations one makes for family members who are in their 80s. I sure hope someone does for me when I’m in my 80s.
As far as any complaining, whining, etc. goes, it is bound to happen with or without a crappy motel. All you can do is change the way you react to it.
If you can’t/won’t get them to stay at your hotel, you need to let this motel thing go. Your husband thinks it is a non-issue and they are his parents. It’s not worth the spent energy.
https://commencement.stanford.edu/disability-resources/event-accommodations
Scroll to the bottom of this page re:diploma ceremonies, and you can see that it reads that there are no shuttle services offered to the diploma ceremonies. We are disadvantaged because if past history holds true, we are simply unlucky in that Ds’s particular diploma location is incredibly far away.
@doschicos - I would happily pay for their hotel. I suggested to Dh we do this, but he does not want to offer it. Even if I could talk Dh into that (I don’t feel I should undermine Dh by booking a room behind his back), the scenario I would predict would be something as follows: We would decide that we needed to leave, at say, 7:30 in the morning. Fil would disagree. “Why do we need to leave that early?” We would argue about the necessity of going early. He would reluctantly agree to the 7:30 (or whatever) departure time, and then he would be late. Not show up in the lobby at the reluctantly agreed to time. Then what? Do we leave him? When he has no car of his own? I feel certain mil would be most happy if we paid for their hotel and drove them wherever they needed to be. I would be fine with all that if every little thing wouldn’t be a battle with him. I don’t disagree that those are things that one should do for family members in their 80s. But he insists on being in control. Leaving them to their own devices reduces the level of conflict.
I know I just sound like a total b–ch, but there is no middle ground. One cannot reason with him. I showed him the actual temperatures last year from the accuweather website, and he continued to tell me how SF is known for its cool summers.
ARGGGG.
And there it is–no amount of common sense can be allowed. I mean that with empathy.
As you H is not on board all you can do is check with the health dept. and share that with them if
in fact there is an ongoing problem.
I completely regret that I suggested H invite his 80 something parents to a small college graduation.
While it was a nice honor for them it took away from my experience completely. It was brutally hot.
They would NOT move into the building with the big screen TV as I suggested. Finally, ready to pass out,
they did. I ended up taking care of the different things…as that is just what generally happens.
There were things I did not get to do as we moved as a group.
I sincerely hope that I understand when it is time to stay back and let my kids enjoy their kids.
@Hoggirl – yes, I have loved ones who resemble your FIL. Fortunately, none of them wanted to attend our kids’ graduations, so we didn’t have to make these events about them. We did have my H’s relatives attend and they got themselves to the ceremonies. We did book rooms for us and them at the hotel that is walking distance of the ceremony. That made things MUCH easier for us and ILs.
It is very difficult to reason with folks who do not want to be reasoned with and have a need to be in control (actually, it’s impossible as we have hit a lot of brick walls ourselves).
Here’s what I would do. It wouldn’t be going behind your husband’s back either. Call the hotel. Tell them you’ve read the Yelp reviews and are concerned because a family member has made reservations there. Ask what they’ve done about the problem.
Oh my gosh . . . no advice but empathizing with you OP!
I’m going to jump on the bed bugs bandwagon. A couple months before my grandfather died, we found bedbugs in their house. Presumably they were brought in by someone visiting and an aide admitted having bed bugs in her house. At that point, my grandmother’s dementia made going out nearly impossible so it’s hard to imagine they could have brought them in.
Clearing the house out for bed bug treatment was very traumatic for my grandfather as he watched as we bagged up all of their clothes and curtains and look off outlet covers. The cozy home he knew was turned upside down. He had to pick his clothes out of black plastic bags in the dining room table. He told us you can put this in my obituary, “Death by bed bugs.”
He was a hearty, independent ninety one year old, but he died not long after and before my grandmother.
I know this story sounds overly dramatic but it’s true. Have your H do all he can to avoid having your FIL and MIL stay in questionable place that might have bed bugs if your S is inable to check it out first.