WWYD re: sharing knowledge about a poor choice in hotel made by fil?

Parent Cafe
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Hoggirl: I know nothing about Stanford, but it is very difficult for me to believe they don’t have arrangements in place to transport all the grandparents who can’t walk that far. Have you asked about this on the CC Stanford forum? What did others with graduations there do about this issue? Maybe start a new thread with “Stanford graduation” in the title to get your answer?

What I am familiar with on other campuses is golf carts being available to transport some folks. They just cruised around and picked up those who were having difficulty.

Alternatively, those who can’t walk watch the main ceremony on a big screen in a very comfortable building with AC, close enough to the diploma ceremony to walk there afterwards.

With regard to keeping you from leaving for the graduation in a timely fashion: We have relatives like this too. We have had to tell them we were heading out to an event and they should just get the hotel desk to call them a cab when they were finally ready to go. Depending on the event, the hotel shuttle might take them, if it is a very helpful hotel. I doubt that is an option for a graduation though.

Usually we make allowances for these difficult relatives,and try to accomodate them to the best of our abilities, but not for our kids’ graduations or weddings. And they missed some parts of these events. If we had been prioritizing their needs and desires, we would have missed part of the events as well.

One family member didn’t make it to a rehearsal dinner because she decided to take the free voucher for delaying the second leg of her flight to the wedding destination. She didn’t let anyone know what she was doing. The family member she had begged to come pick her up, because negotiating airport to hotel was too complicated for her and she won’t use a car service, missed the dinner as well, trying to figure out what had happened and if she was okay or had had an emergency someplace on the trip.

This is not my only tale. We have relatives like this on both sides of the family. Right now I’m planning a trip with a relative a different one than the rehearsal dinner no-show, to take her someplace she very much wants to go to visit family and new babies. It may be impossible, but I’m trying my best, because I would not take her to a recent family event where I knew she would disrupt the schedule so that probably neither of us would end up being able to attend. I went alone because my kids really wanted me there.

Good luck. I’m crossing my fingers for you.

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Do you have a brunch or dinner or some other gathering planned in addition to the school ceremonies? I’m wondering if you can just let go enough to leave the in-laws to their own devices on the campus activities, and meet up with them later. Or at least let your DH be in charge of responding to their SOS calls so that you can enjoy the day.

It’s hard. FIL announced he wanted to go to DD’s graduation, but he never followed through. Which is good, it would have been a disaster. He just didn’t have the self-awareness to foresee that.

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If it helps, it looks like the Stanford University commencement will be broadcast live–there’s a webcast.
Son’s university did this and most everyone got to see it! Plus then it was on youtube for later viewing.

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@Hoggirl Here is the bottom line. You want to see your child graduate. You want to plan ahead and anticipate every possible bump in the road that would distract you from ENJOYING your child’s graduation day. You KNOW your FIL is going to disrupt the day somehow, some way. But your efforts are being met with resistance from your DH.

So…I suggest you GIVE UP. Yes, quit trying to arrange anything. Your H doesn’t want to listen to you, and H doesn’t want to confront his father. But you do need to have a brutal and honest conversation with your H. Tell him HE is in charge of his parents for this event. If they call in the middle of the night from bug-ridden hotel asking for help to switch hotels, it is HIS butt that will get up and deal with it.

If his parents pass out at the event due to heat exhaustion, it should be DH that will take them to first aid/hospital and deal with the medical stuff. If FIL insists on being driven back to his hotel instead of hospital/first aid tent, it is DH who will miss the graduation events.

I suggest you hand over this hot mess to DH, and mentally shut down all thoughts of the possible (probable) bumps that will cause disaster on this special day. Because I am with you, I can see that this whole adventure is full of ways that this elderly couple could disrupt your enjoyment of this special day.

Your job is to support the Graduate. Your H’s job is to deal with his parents. If you can get your DH to agree to OWN his responsibility for his parents during this trip, you get to relax and focus on the Graduate. (And yes, you should play your own mental game of BINGO as your FIL complains and such!)

WHEN the stuff hits the fan, you turn to your DH and say “Go on and deal with your parents. I will be sure to take some photos/video for you to see later!”

Best of luck to you. I know how satisfying it is to see your child walk across the stage at graduation, and wish you the best possible graduation day.

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We had issues when my D graduated a couple of years ago with respect to my mom, who was visually impaired as well as mobility impaired. I called the University’s disability office and they helped us make arrangements for her. It was very helpful.

If your father-in-law is cheap, make note of how staggeringly expensive it is to get rid of a bed bug infestation.

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Gotta say–I’m not 80 but between the heat, walks etc–I’d be the one whining and complaining…

I know graduation is an important milestone but I know graduates who skipped their own graduations because of such logistics. ( One girl turned around after arriving at the stadium and decided that it wasn’t worth the hassle or the heat! She opted to go directly to the party!)

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What @powercropper said…100%. Maybe first give MIL the heads up about the hotel reviews out of concern for her.

I also had a very controlling in-law (in my case, MIL, not FIL) and a husband who took a passive stance. It left me dealing with all the negativity and fallout. I did backflips trying to be accommodating and decent while searching for solutions. Nothing ever worked.

You don’t want to miss this graduation. You don’t deserve to miss it for FIL’s shenanigans, but FIL must be kept safe. Since DH won’t work with you to create a workable plan in advance, don’t try to control the situation, just your own situation and communicate strongly what you will and will not do. Your graduating child deserves at least one parent present and on-time at the ceremonies. That will be you. Communicate to DH that he will be in the position to deal with the play-by-play emergencies and needs of FIL…even if DH has to catch an UBER to FIL’s hotel to get him moving on time (while you drive to the ceremony.)

Too bad you can’t share a hotel room with MIL and let your husband room with Dad!

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@gouf78 has made me think…what does your D want for her special day? Is it important to your D that her grandparents attend? If so, could you have some alternate (or Pre-Grad ceremony) time for D to spend with grandparents? A Saturday lunch at a restaurant?

I would even go so far as to have D dress up in cap and gown and get photo with grandparents the day before. That way, if health issues arise, you at least have their picture with the graduate. Also, since heat may be an issue for everyone, you might want to get those same pics with you and H and your D the day before. Doesn’t mean you can’t snap those same pics the next day, but if H is called away to tend to his parents, you want to make sure there is at least one photo of H and D in her cap and gown.

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Please let go and let your DH take care of his parents. Be completely ready to run off and be with your graduate, taking pictures and making a fuss over there. The combination of you and your FIL would drive me to the edge, if I were your DH. :slight_smile: Just let it happen and step over it.

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“Mobility Assistance: A limited number of ushers with wheelchairs will be available, beginning at 8:00 a.m., outside Gate 2 of the Stadium to assist in escorting guests with limited mobility into the Stadium. The ushers will drop the guest off near the disability seating and return at the end of the ceremony. No advanced registration is required for this service, and the wheelchair escort service will continue throughout the entire Stadium ceremony.”

“Seating: The majority of seating at the Stadium will be in direct sunlight. Umbrellas will not be allowed. Some seating areas on the east and southeast sides of the Stadium will be fully or partially shaded during the Ceremony. Wheelchair seating is located at the Concourse level, Row Y, (via the tunnels) and is in full shade. Additional wheelchair seating is located in the upper bowl, Row V, (via the elevator). In order to accommodate guests using wheelchairs, or those with other disability-related needs, we request only one companion per seat. A Mobility Section, located in Row W and X in the lower section, is available for individuals who can only climb limited stairs (5-7 steps with a handrail) or who cannot sit in the sun. All seating is first come, first served.”

“Please note: There is no transportation service provided from the Stanford Stadium to the Diploma Ceremonies.”

“For those with mobility limitations, it is recommended that you drive from the Stadium to the Diploma Ceremony site to drop-off and/or park closer. For assistance locating close disabled parking or drop-off locations near the Diploma Ceremony site, please complete the Special Needs Request Form, available Winter Quarter.”

@alh - above are the pertinent sections on the commencement website. It is hard to imagine that there is no shuttle service, but that is what is written. These sections are under the disabilities section of the commencement website. However, as one of my friends says, “It’s an asking world,” so I suppose a call can’t hurt. My fear in driving from the stadium to the diploma site is arriving and not finding parking there. Even if we were to get a temporary handicap parking doohickey, which we can do. Or getting caught up in terrible traffic and missing it.

We tried to convince them to go out with us for Thanksgiving. We explained that Ds would have a lot more time with them (other than dinner out with us, we expect he’ll be spending time with friends. Not to mention he has to move out the next day, so there will be packing going on as well). We explained that we could go at our own pace instead of on the time schedule dictated by graduation over which we have no control. We explained that the weather would be better (it was fantastic!). We explained that they could go to a football game (fil was a college football player). I thought we had them talked into it, but we did not. He wants to be there for THE event.

@MomofJandL - yes, we plan on going out to dinner after. When mil told me he had chosen a different hotel (meaning not ours), I told her, “We’ll see you there.” So, I am on board for your suggestion.

@gouf78 - yes, we are aware of the live stream. I do need to find out if they show it on campus somewhere. And, yes! I imagine it will be a physically demanding day for all of us! Ds will not be skipping any component of graduation.

@powercropper - Dh has repeatedly assured me that he will take care of his parents and that he will NOT allow them to ruin the graduation experience for our family. He has assured me that HE will handle his parents. He absolutely will assume that responsibility. I have to have the fortitude to stay out of any crises that occur. I have asked dh point blank what he will do if he is forced to choose between assisting his father and seeing Ds get his diploma. His reply: “I don’t know.” It makes me very sad to think of not having Dh beside me seeing our son obtain his diploma, but he will have to make his own decisions.

I have looked on TripAdvisor and there is only one recent review that mentions bed bugs. So, ???

Whew! This one got really long.

THANK YOU ALL for your many responses, suggestions, reality checks, and support. Just venting about this here has been helpful to my sanity. I truly appreciate your reading along.

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Ack! So many crossing posts! Ha ha!

@powercropper - when the Thanksgiving visit v the graduation trip discussion was going on, Fil asked Ds, “Which do you think I should do?” Ds said, “I think you should do whatever you want.” While I was secretly hoping that he would shout, “Come at Thanksgiving!!” his reply was as it should have been. With so little family, I do think Ds would like them to be there.

I am still super hopeful that they will decide to only attend the diploma ceremony.

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Just realize I have been seeing D to mean Daughter, and now I see that it is your Dear son. Oops!

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@powercropper - yes, mine defaults to a capital D in Ds. Not sure why, but I know it makes it confusing. Same issues regardless! Ha ha!

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Another option is to hire a helper of some kind for the day. It could be a friend of your DS, someone in a different class who is not graduating, who could be paid to hang out with your family and only step up as needed. That person could be the driver who picks up the grandparents at stadium and drops them off right at the front of the diploma ceremony location. You can introduce that person to the in laws, so they have some familiarity in advance of the drive.

That person could also be of help in a medical situation.

Of course, you do not want to be the one handling this decision, but you could at least mention to your H as a possibility.

75

OMG an aunt did something similar to me and W once! I forget the exact circumstances - I think maybe she missed a connection or something so it wasn’t deliberate. But she never tried to contact us, so W and I were waiting and waiting and waiting then progressed to panicking when she never got off the plane. I forget what exactly we did but somehow figured out she was on the next flight so we ended up sitting at the airport for hours waiting.

Anyway back to the OP. W and I used to picnic on the Stanford campus a lot when we lived in the area. It can get quite hot in summer! I couldn’t imagine hiking for a mile or more across campus in June while dressed up for a graduation ceremony - that would suck, never mind if I was 80 years old.

If FIL is a know-it-all, then you could introduce him to the notion of Bay Area microclimates. We’d often encounter 20F temperature changes just driving from Palo Alto up to SF. Maybe FIL will decide to become a know-it-all on microclimates and start talking about how Palo Alto can be 90F while SF is 65F on the same day.

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I wouldn’t pander to or enable a jerk by being over sensitive about telling him normal stuff or inventing complicated lies about why you want to pay for another hotel for them. Tell him you read some reviews and it sounds like a lousy hotel with bedbugs. If he gets angry, tell him go ahead, you are the one gonna get bitten.

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I barely made it through S2’s graduation because of the heat. I can do heat or walking, but not both. At least I was there, and DH was able to help make sure I was ok.

S1 lives not far from Palo Alto. FIL & MIL should definitely bring sunscreen and hats. Send MIL the materials you have from Stanford about logistics and seating in the sun.

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Without reading ahead, just the mention of “bed bugs” stopped me not to mention “questionable activity”. I’d book them where I’m staying and pay for it, case closed. I would not LET my in-laws stay at the first place. No way.

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Seems like the summary is that:

A. FIL made what appears to be a poor choice.
B. FIL refuses to accept any help making a better choice.
C. H does not want the OP to intervene.

Seems like B and C mean that the OP should stop trying to do something and let FIL (and H) take the consequences of his choice.

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@ucbalumnus - C has precluded my doing B. We have not offered help making a better choice.

I think if we offered to pay, he would take it. That would not solve the other logistical issues.but it would be a start.

I am going to try one more time to convince Dh that we should put them up at our hotel. I am particularly fond of the suggestion to “fib” and say we got it free using points. I think that would eliminate the risk of insult and appeal to his miserliness.

But, you are correct. I’m making one more attempt, and then I shall wash my hands of it. I promise. :slight_smile: