<p>
</p>
<p>Why? </p>
<p>I have two kids at different colleges. At both of them, having overnight guests in a dorm room is permitted, and there is no requirement that the guest be 18 or older. Lots of people have younger friends from high school (including significant others who are still in high school) or younger siblings visit them. </p>
<p>Of course, if someone in a double has guests too frequently, to the point of annoying the other roommate, that’s something to be concerned about.</p>
<p>I think they were referring to a 16 year old boyfriend staying with a girlfriend. That would be something I would think one should ask about first.</p>
<p>About the sharing stuff- it would behoove D to be generous from a general reputation standpoint. A friend’s son had a roommate who didn’t share the frig or micro. OK, fine, it was his, he had that right. However, when friend’s son mentioned it to other dormmates on the hall, everyone thought his roommate was a big jerk. You never know what’s being said about you behind your back, and when it’s the truth, you can’t defend yourself. It doesn’t sound like OP’s daughter cares much what her roommate thinks- OK. But I for one wouldn’t want everyone on the hall thinking I’m a selfish prig if she goes off about me, especially if I was never around much to begin with.</p>
<p>The D brought the MV with the idea that it would be shared. No question about it. She and the RM had discussed it among themselves and the D had volunteered to bring the big items because she’d received them as gifts and thus already had them. She did not expect the RM to bring her own. What she seems to have expected, especially in light of the fact that the RM did not bring the items she had pledged to bring, was a minimal acknowledgment. A “great, you brought the MV. Can I inaugurate it?” would have been welcome and would have done the trick, I’m sure. A “do you mind if I help myself to some of the juice you’ve brought?” would also have been in order. Or “Can I store some of my stuff in your closet?”
None of that happened. My personal experience is that growing up in a large family actually requires asking permission to use someone else’s belongings or warning others that one will be using something that is intended for common use. It makes sense. Otherwise others will be searching in vain for the thing that was borrowed and getting more and more irked by the minute. Ditto for things that are for common use but need to be replaced.</p>
<p>PS: The character analysis was both speculative, judgmental and uncalled-for.</p>
<p>I’m just trying to give some practical advise for getting along in the dorm and dealing with this roommate. This thread has gone on for pages and pages, mostly dumping on the girl (which is fine to get it off your chest) but not really coming up with concrete ways to face the situation. Really, other than telling OPs D to go to the RA or dean, what useful advice has been offered? Maybe I misunderstand, and this thread is just a vehicle to say every bad thing that one can about a particular student at Montreat? Because everytime I’ve tried to come up with something that might help the daughter deal with it, it gets shot down and then there’s another page of “and she did this! and her mom did that! can you believe she said this?!!” </p>
<p>Honestly, I commiserate and I think everyone has a pretty good idea of what kind of impression this girl left on OP and her daughter.</p>
<p>Huh? What character analysis?</p>
<p>If you are referring to my example…</p>
<p>How many times has everone here had a situation where someone has pushed every button in the book, and when you finally stand up to him/her and do or say something, that person goes off and tells other people and you end up looking like the bad guy? (Raising my hand) Even though someone else has been unreasonable, you end up looking stupid because of the way you reacted?<br>
That’s why you have to stay on the higher road and watch out how you deal with people like that. It’s bad enough to have a thorn in your side every day of your life, but you don’t want spillover effects into the otherwise good relationships you have with other people.</p>
<p>doubleplay, and this is why I thought post #115 had some very good advice. Here is a piece of that post:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I am sure that I will be attacked, but honestly I agree with the post. OP’s D seems to really have it together. If things get worse, which it may, then the advice might need to change. I have said in a prior post that I have seen worse situations than this.</p>
<p>Marian, about the bf/gf and sleeping over, it sounds like this might be against school policy. I believe some mention was made about doors not being allowed to be closed in such a situation. I could be wrong, but I am not hunting through all of these pages to find it.</p>
<p>My comments about the character analysis refer specifically to the one offered by Sherpa long distance and virtual dissection of the OP’s motives.</p>
<p>There are some really touchy posters here.</p>
<p>Sometimes one doesn’t need advice, one needs someone to listen, assure you that you aren’t nuts, and help you hang in until the issue has resolved itself.</p>
<p>Yes, but sometimes the continuous rehashing and replaying of the problem prolongs and exacerbates the stress and anxiety rather than alleviating it.</p>
<p>“Yes, but sometimes the continuous rehashing and replaying of the problem prolongs and exacerbates the stress and anxiety rather than alleviating it.”
True, but that doesn’t seem the case here. It seems like the mother is breathing a sigh of relief that things are ok.</p>
<p>This thread just keeps getting “curiouser and curiouser”.</p>
<p>In our state 17 is the age of consent; RM if 19 could be charged with a crime if “sleepovers” occur since more than 1 yr age difference (ie adult seducing minor) This is probably the thing that should be addressed w/RA IF it occurs.
My D rooming w/best friend and we realize that there will be some friction from time to time. We need to let them work it out. However condoning an underage sexual relationship w/such a young male should not be in the picture if it makes your D uncomfortable and displaces her at night.</p>
<p>
Maybe not. There is the privacy issue to consider. The RA would only know if the RM chose to disclose a documentable issue. Did Cho Seung-hui’s RA know of his issues? </p>
<p>
I have read that this is what Cho Seung-hui’s mother tried to do. Did anyone else read this?</p>
<p>OMG…this thread has gone beyond anything I might have predicted from page 8 where I chimed in. It hasn’t been exactly the healthiest discussion, but now we’ve got the roommate practically climbing the tower with a sniper rifle. All on the basis of mom’s say-so.</p>
<p>I know…RM has Asperger’s. Let’s make an Internet diagnosis on the basis of the reporting from the mother of the roommate’s daughter. That’s real sensible. And “helpful.”</p>
<p>Why can’t people see that the best way to help OP with this is to help HER deal with her separation issues, and not give her the advice she wants to hear?</p>
<p>So let’s summarize what we’ve learned on this thread:</p>
<p>The RM is a child molesting serial killer
The OP is an overprotective, overly quick to jump to conclusion, co-dependent mom with serious separation issues
The D’s WS professor is a trusting idiot probably violating university rules.</p>
<p>The only thing most agree on is that the daughter is a wonderful, responsible well adjusted girl (although some think she is no fun, overly studious and a religious nerd).</p>
<p>ORIGINALOOG
</p>
<p>What do you see wrong with this - nothing at all - it happens all the time - if she is working for the prof - and he allows her access to the department - then she would need key access - which may include a quite space for her to study - nothing wrong with that at all.</p>
<p>My gal - as a freshman - had access to where she worked in the department - at any hour of the day/night - very similar situation - this is not a lack of judgement on the profs part at all - but maybe should be called trust. This situation happens all the time.</p>
<p>I have to agree tho - this thread has gone wayyyyyy off track - whew!</p>
<p>My D will be 16 when she visits her sister, she will not be 16 visiting a 19 yoBF and spendig the night in his bed with another man coming in and out of the room</p>
<p>guess that makes me a bad mom for not thinking a 16 yo needs or should sleep with their 19yp BF/GF in a dorm
room </p>
<p>Just the idea that the rm mom thinks that is okay and that his parents think it is okay just shows some of the issues involved</p>
<p>k- be honest here, who would let their 16 yo daughter sleep in her 19yo bfs dorm bed </p>
<p>what he doesn’t have some lady friends who would let the minor crash on their floor</p>
<p>Big Difference</p>
<p>“Just the idea that the rm mom thinks that is okay and that his parents think it is okay just shows some of the issues involved”</p>
<p>OK, where did this one come from?</p>
<p>Is there some kind of virus going around that makes people jump to conclusions and attribute all kinds of thoughts/opinions to total strangers and then judge them for these completely fabricated opinions?</p>
<p>This is the statement upon which all these conclusions rest:</p>
<p>“She said the girl’s boyfriend is talking about coming to visit.” (from OP)</p>
<p>The OPs daughter tells her that the roommate’s boyfriend is <em>talking</em> about coming to visit. Is there something that I missed? Where is the god-like awareness of people’s innermost thoughts and feelings coming from?</p>
<p>dp-
I am confused. Didn’t you start out by saying the rm “sounded wacko” and that things will “probably get worse”? But now other posters are “jumping to conclusions”? Sounds a little inconsistent. And the OP did say “D is very good at diplomacy & volunteered that the 'Sleep-over” thing is not going to happen. ", which, understandibly led posters (myself included) to have concerns about the possibility that the 16 yo could possibly just show up at some point to “visit”. After all, assuming the info presented is accurate, it doesn’t sound like the RM is likely to ask the OP’s dau if she minds if the kid comes. So far, the Rm doesnt sound like she is very considerate. </p>
<p>Sorry, I just don’t see posters having “god-like awareness of people’s innermost thoughts and feelings”. I see parents expressing understandible concern. Just my opinion, FWIW.</p>
<p>All this talk about dorm sleepovers is a moot point. The OP said that the school has a strict enough opposite-sex policy in that doors must be left open at mimimum of 45 degrees when visiting. I would assume that would correlate to no tolerance for coed sleepovers in the dorms.</p>