Yellow flags about roommate are turning into red!!

Parents Forum
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<p>Hmm, One of my Ds had a roomie from a huge family and the Rms style of behavious appeared bizarre and rude to us, but in the context of tons of sibling in a small house it made more sense- it was her way of staking out a claim and protecting her space. It was still really “weird” to us, but we did understand better the whys of it. Most annoying was that she was incredibly loud- spoke loudly, at all hours of the day or night, no realisation that others may need quite, slept after dinner all evening when there would normally have been lots of activity in the room, then would go out, came in late, slept late in the AM, made weird noises when sleeping, just a situation where D had to be psyched for “odd” noises at “odd” times and learnt to deal with it. I am positive D had some “normal” (well to us!) habits which drove the RM crazy. </p>

<p>When you come from such different backgrounds, you will see an entirely different approach to life.</p>

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<p>I agree that from the sound of it, the roommate’s behavior and actions, when considered as a whole, sends up some red flags. Things like this are sometimes hard to describe in a post - often it’s not just what was done, but HOW -it’s a “you had to be there” kind of thing! Anyway, I take the OP’s word for it and there are many objective examples of the fact that the rm has been inconsiderate up to this point. Clearly, there are issues here around lack of boundaries and social cues. </p>

<p>The one thing I didn’t think was as inappropriate as some others did was the mother’s 10 PM phone call on that first day. From what I understand, the mother did NOT think she was calling the OP - she thought she was calling the OP’s D on her cell phone in the room. If this was the first day of school, many important things may have remained to be attended to, and if the roommate’s mother had been trying all day to get through with the line busy, I don’t think a brief phone call to OP’s D was so over the top. OP also stated that it was the first day and the roommate had not yet gotten her own cell phone (which it sounds like she has now done), so she may not be planning to make any kind of habit out of this. </p>

<p>Actually, I thought that far from being a hovering mother, the roommate’s mother was extremely hands off. The mother didn’t seem to know or care that the D had contributed nothing to the shared room, must have seen the D put clothes in both closets and said nothing, didn’t discourage the D from grabbing the microwave for herself before the OP’s D had so much as set the thing up - and without asking - it all sounds very weird to me!</p>

<p>I agree with other posters that the OP’s D may very well end up having to set boundaries and discuss some ground rules. I would have waited until any of these things came up again, however - move in day was not necessarily representative of how things will be, especially with respect to the phone, since the roommate is getting her own. Anyway, the OP’s D should do this in a cheerful, not accusatory kind of way to start out. I would NOT involve an RA at this early date. There is really nothing to say yet. </p>

<p>As far as setting the ground rules for studying in the room - that’s nice, and some roommates do this, but it’s not always going to happen. The library is the solution for that dilemma.</p>

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<p>roshke, You are absolutely right about not saying things about taking over 2 closets, etc. Perhaps this kiddo has so many problems that the mother needs to choose her battles. She might be concerned that the kid just stays afloat with her schoolwork, and is not focusing on the skills one needs to live with others. Afterall, her D did not even show up to a mandatory meeting. You’re right about the mom thinking that she called OP’s D’ cell. I forgot about that fact.</p>

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<p>Is it possible this being a Christian college that the roommate also comes from a sheltered enviroment. It also sounds like the Mom might be a bit sheltered as well. Not knowing how to use a computer, not having a cell phone, giving the D cash instead of a bank account. Did the roommate go to a public high school?
Lucky for your D she sounds like she has it under control. Your D sounds like a young woman who is confident and knows what she wants and will go far in life. The roommate might also be intimidated by college in general and your D and is hiding out on the phone with the boyfriend out of fear.</p>

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<p>PGPC, may I say that your daughter sounds like a wonderful young woman.</p>

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<p>to clarify a little, when the RM’s mom called it was actually 2 days after move-in day. The comment about space reminded me of something the RM said. I guess she was referring to sharing a room…she stated that she & her brother (1 yr. younger than her) shared bedrooms until she was 16.</p>

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<p>mom60 : RM went to a public school, did not get up & go to church with the others on Sun. ? whether she normally does or,as someone mentioned, possible rebellion.</p>

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<p>thanks for the comments</p>

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<p>It sounds to me like everyone is reading an awful lot to events that took place in the very hectic context of move-in day – and the RM seems to be making an o.k. adjustment to the extent that she is not hanging around in the room all day. </p>

<p>I also think too much is being read into the failure to attend the “mandatory” meeting. My daughter did not attend some of the “mandatory” orientation sessions at Columbia last year – she was put off by the socially-oriented events and really wanted to attend only sessions that gave practical information. She figured she didn’t need the help or pretense of organized activities in order to make friends… so she skipped those. Other “mandatory” events actually had multiple sessions --for example, there were several options for date & time for the required financial aid counseling session.</p>

<p>I wasn’t happy as a parent when my d. decided that “mandatory” meant “optional” if the event was a scavenger hunt as opposed to a meeting with her adviser – but I don’t think its all that unusual for kids to decide to skip activities they don’t see as relevant to their needs. We really don’t know what the RM’s situation is, other than seeing that she acts rather childish when her mom is around. </p>

<p>Actually, I think the RM might see the OP’s daughter as kind of odd – what’s with all the calls to her mom, for instance? (I mean, my kids certainly didn’t give me twice-daily updates on their college activities) – so it may be that from the RM’s perspective, OP’s daughter looks like the “sheltered” one – too serious and rule-bound. </p>

<p>I’m not trying to criticize the OP – I can see where things looked really odd on day #1. But at the same time, it doesn’t look like the problems she is concerned about have actually materialized. A RM who readily grabs more than her share of closet space may just be an open person with a share-and-share-alike philosophy who fully expects that her roommate will feel equally free about taking her stuff or grabbing whatever space is needed. She just may have grown up in an environment where there are few boundaries between what’s “mine” and “ours”.</p>

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<p>Gosh, I hope my kids rm parents don’t do a psychiatric analysis on our family/offspring on move in day. I expect it to be hectic, and that the kids will work it out.</p>

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<p>PGPC- Sounds like you have a special D there, and that she can handle whatever RM bizarreness that comes her way.</p>

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<p>^ ^ ^ thanks</p>

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<p>As a newbie here I should probably keep my piehole shut, and I’ll probably catch some flak, but I’m going to call it as I see it.</p>

<p>I think OP welcomes daughter’s roommate issues as a distraction from OP’s reality, which is:</p>

<p>Living with a disability and so far unsuccessful with getting benefits;
Single parenting without spousal support;
Daughter leaving the nest;
Breadwinner leaving the nest.</p>

<p>I’m not judging; that’s a tough hand to be dealt.</p>

<p>Man, that was a lot of semicolons.</p>

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<p>^ ^ ^ “I’m going to call it as I see it…I’m not judging;”</p>

<p>Isn’t that what you just did? I came on here to ask for other’s advice concerning the situation & to many I have become a dartboard for doing so.</p>

<p>I can assure you IF I needed a distraction I would choose something positive not negative. Without posting very personal info concerning myself or my daughter, I can only say you only see a minute view of who we are, just like your post only gives a small idea of who you are. I can promise you this is far from the worse situation I have ever found myself in. As any mother (I would hope) would hope for the best for her child, I just want mine to be able to start the year off positively & she is handly that quite well at this point.</p>

<p>Also, the situation with the RM actually began 1 yr ago, long before they were assigned to be RMs when both families happened to be on the same campus tour & I refuse to post all the more intimate details that I don’t feel belong on here, but I can guarantee there would be jaws dropping. I encouraged my D when she found out they were to be RMs, hoping the past observations were not a routine thing but it appears they may well be. </p>

<p>I appreciate the feedback from the ones that actually replied to my original request & your kind compliments.</p>

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<p>handling (not handly)</p>

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<p>pgpc125, I understand where you are coming from, you aren’t looking to be a buddinksy, but your daughter has called and talked about this, and you are wondering if this RM is someone to be concerned about</p>

<p>I don’t see any hidden agendas on your part at all…if your D wasn’t concerned and peeved, you wouldn’t have all the details you do</p>

<p>It isn’t like you are calling anyone, running to your Ds rescue, but wondering how to help YOUR D figure this out</p>

<p>I too would be concerned as a mother about a 19 yearold who behaves as she does</p>

<p>It is not just one thing, but all the stuff in total that raises the flag</p>

<p>Having little girl sheets can be cute, but taken with watching cartoons, having a 16 yo BF who she says is going to sleep over, having mom bring in her food, and the rest, well- just one of those items in itself isn’t that bad, but those along with the family, the mutching, the phone calls combined, well, I would find it strange for a 19 yo girl</p>

<p>As for the phone calls to the OP, if I walked into THAT RM situation I would probably call my mom to vent </p>

<p>What, do you guys want the D to talk to noone about roommate> she can’t really talk to floor mates because it might come across wrong, but calling mom to go, hey, this is odd, what should I do? is perfectly reasonable</p>

<p>And if its a single mom, only child etc, i think its sweet that the D is sharing her life</p>

<p>Wow, some of you are harsh</p>

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<p>^ ^ ^ “I’m going to call it as I see it…I’m not judging;”</p>

<p>Isn’t that what you just did?</p>

<p>No. Not at all. I observed and speculated. Nothing more. I’m sorry if I offended.</p>

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<p>CGM, I think you misunderstood my post – I didn’t see any evidence that pgpc’s daughter was calling to vent about the roommate – on the contrary, I saw her calling to give her mom updates on everything she was doing – on Monday around lunch she calls to tell mom about the work study job with the prof. and getting 100 on the writing exam; she also mentions that roommate is in the room constantly; Monday evening she calls to check in with mom when out with a bunch of girls running trying to catch a shuttle to Walmart; Tuesday she call again with lots of news about her lab job, and how the prof is lending her books & a flash drive & providing her with the key to the lab in case she wants to study or work after hours… and also mentions that roommate is hardly in the room at all. To me that doesn’t look like venting about roommate – that looks like a daughter bursting with excitement about all the developments in school, and mom keeps asking questions about the roommate. </p>

<p>In any case, I don’t have a problem with that. If I was a teen with a disabled, single parent I would probably call frequently too – I think in this case there has been a little bit of role reversal in the mother/daughter relationship, with daughter taking on significant financial & work responsibilities, so the daughter naturally might feel a greater sense of responsibility to the parent and of course they are probably very close.</p>

<p>My point is that is simply that we are getting one side of the story, and from the roommate’s perspective, it might seem that pgpc’s daughter is the odd one - too straight-laced and serious. I mean there is a big gap in attitude and maturity, with pgpc’s daughter in a hurry to get to work and start classes, and maybe the roommate is thinking that pgpc’s daughter is too rigid and conservative, while she just want to relax and have some fun during the time before classes starts. It’s not that there is anything at all wrong with pgpc’s daughter, it’s just that we have an odd couple setup - with the worker bee paired with the party girl. It’s clearly a mismatch – but I can see the other view point. I don’t think my daughter would want to be roomed with a kid who got her nose all out of joint because my daughter used her microwave without asking or helped herself to some soda from a quart sized bottle – my d. would assume those things were meant for sharing. So both kids in this situation are going to have to make some adjustments to accommodate the others needs. </p>

<p>What we know about this situation is that on Monday the daughter confronted the roommate about hogging the room phone, and on Tuesday the roommate made herself scarce. That looks to me like the roommate is attempting to honor the daughter’s wishes – at least for a reasonable period of time after the d. made her wishes known. Since the d. has a cell phone, I can see the roommate not realizing that she would want the room phone kept open for calls as well – despite all the angst, it could be an innocent misunderstanding involving a girl who is not all that perceptive about the needs of others, but may be perfectly reasonable if the daughter communicates her wishes clearly and directly.</p>

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<p>I am sorry, but reading Post #153, I cannot imagine any sane prof giving an incoming freshman access to a key to an academic building or office in order to study or work after hours. That is just wacky and could not be considered a “perk” but rather a total lack of judgement and probably actionable if the department chair became aware of it.</p>

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<p>pgps-
Just a few words of support- I think all your concerns are legit, and as a parent I would be equally concerned. Sure, there are always multiple sides to any story, but based on your observations before and on move-in day, the things you describe do NOT sound like the <em>normal</em> (for lack of a better word) behavior of a freshman girl. No one here has said “gee, my dau (or my daus roommate) did the exact same things”-- what you described is the exception, not the rule, and your antennae are up for good reason. Take care of yourself and yor dau. And if a 16 yr old sleeps in the dorm room, your dau should report it. That is simply not ok.</p>

<p>** addendum**
sorry you have felt the victim of criticism . It is not deserved.</p>