<p>motherdear–
You mean college kids never test limits or break rules? ;)</p>
<p>She did sound wacko. Actually, I throw that word around much too freely; I don’t really mean certifiable psycho-case. It’s a slang I probably shouldn’t have used- my bad. </p>
<p>And so far I’ve been wrong about things getting worse. That’s a good thing, right?</p>
<p>Actually, I will quote my entire post, since just hearing a part of it takes it out of context:</p>
<p>"It might be a little premature to go to the Dean at this time, but perhaps in the future. Right now, if a student were to go to the dean or RA with the following complaints- dormmate has a babyish bedspread and toys, dormmate skipped orientation, dormmate had her boyfriend in the room (on move-in day), dormmate used microwave, dormmate is on the phone all the time, dormmate has a 16 year old boyfriend, dormmate didn’t bring her own car- they’d think you were crazy.</p>
<p>Not that dormmate doesn’t sound wacko…but at this point, those complaints would seem silly to a dean, who would assume that he/she is only hearing one side of the story. </p>
<p>I’d wait until things get really bad, like getting sexiled, before tattling yet."</p>
<p>Not really inconsistent- I still stand by the wait and see attitude.</p>
<p>Am I the only one who thinks this thread has really gone out on a limb since the first post? We went from quirky first day moving in impressions to autism, VTech, pedophilia, parents who condone boy/girl cohabitation…hmmm what else?..</p>
<p>
???
Typos make for great thread-turners</p>
<p>Yes, I think that unfortunately you do have to wait until something happens to “press charges” so to speak.</p>
<p>“Sexiled” is not a typo.</p>
<p>Entertaining word. Learn new things every day. But if the OP’s dau is working on setting boundaries (reasonable),then alerting her to the fact that she isn’t willing to get “sexiled” (presented clearly but diplomatically) isn’t unreasonable, IMO. I see you do propose a “wait til something egregious happens” approach. I think the OP’s dau wouldn’t come across as “wacko” if she asked for some guidance from her RA as to how to best address roommate adjustment issues. That’s normal. And sometimes an ounce of prevention is a reasonable approach.</p>
<p>There was a very funny thread a few months ago about bad room mate problems - ranged from one girl waking up at 3a.m. to find her rm naked on all fours in front of a webcam to a rm who was paranoid and thought things were coming through the windows to get her to stealing etc.</p>
<p>So far I think the OPs daughter’s RM problems are mild and she just needs to bide her time and see how things turn out before taking any action. My son did have a room mate who borrowed his stuff, lent it out to other people without asking - ended up moving off campus and leaving stuff in the room then was allowed back in by someone to get his stuff and stole some of my son’s stuff. The he ended up with another room mate who would rather bizarrrly put my sons stuff away (when he had gone for a shower) and tidy my sons side of the room and make his bed (while his own side of the room was not tidied). He would tell my son the dorm mom came and made his bed and tidied his stuff - my son checked and she laughed and said no. After that my son moved off campus! My D is a freshman and opted for a private room (her school has new dorms where each student can have their own small room and private bathroom and there is a large communal living area and kitchen shared by the floor - about 20 people.). Works well for her - she went to a residential HS the last 2 years and had already done the communal bathrooms and wanted privacy - which she personally pays the extra for.</p>
<p>
Send this hid to MY house!! My s#2 is a total slob!</p>
<p>OK,
Uncle, uncle…
Go to the RA for advice on how to handle roommate. I think that throughout this thread, I have advocated for the OP’s D trying to handle this herself, and I applaud any effort to do a “first line of defense” strategy. If it helps to talk to the RA, that’s great; I just wouldn’t give the RA an impression of “tattling”.</p>
<p>
Actually so is my son! He could do with that kid visiting his house now. But it used to drive him nuts - he would have been studying and go for a shower and come back to find his books put away or playing his guitar and come back to find it in it’s case. Would have seemed less strange if the kid was a neat freak who kept his own stuff picked up but his own bed was not made and his side of the room was a mess.</p>
<p>Throughout this all we are under the assumption that the OP’s daughter is the one seeking the advice from the board. Is she, or is the mom just listing her daughters rm quirks? I mean, come on, complaining about a bedspread, cartoons, and the RM’s parents ability to pay for a restaraunt. Let the D handle this on her own if she even thinks it is a problem. All the kids are going to have adjustment issues. IF the daughter is kept out of her room, IF the RM takes her consumable stuff w/out replacing it, IF it gets bad, then call in the RA. OP making medical/psych diagnoses online, making the RM’s parents sound like uneducated hicks unable to use a computer, etc etc is not helping her daughter. In her previous posts she bragged on D’s full ride at a small school… and named the school. She is doing her D a disservice by listing so many identifiable traits of her D and RM. This could come back and bite her D on the butt…and we should all be careful giving out details on our kids online. Now I am going to get my life back by not looking at this train wreck anymore…</p>
<p>I am one for having a plan, a way of approaching potential sitations that there are “warning signs” for</p>
<p>As a mom, I can tell you, you can spot problems with other kids and families pretty easily, there is something called intuition, and you hace to trust it and not ignore it</p>
<p>I am not saying run off and do this or that, I am saying, be aware, and in this case, with the RM mom calling the OPs mom, etc, would signal to me that there may be more going on then just what is seen, and it would be foolish to not wonder and pay attention</p>
<p>The RM mom already involved the OP, and the OP very smartly didn’t do anything…</p>
<p>It may be nothing and all work out, but on the other hand, it could be a very difficult situation, and if you are smack dab in the middle of something, without having any plan in mind, it can be very difficult to get it resolved</p>
<p>For instance, if you KNOW that your group project partner is a flake, do you just wait unitl the last minute, if she is not doing her share all along, do you just wait until time to turn in? no, you have a plan</p>
<p>I agree, cgm. Different approaches-- Personally, I prefer to head off a potential problem than to deal with it after it occurs. That said, I also don’t believe in making mountains out of molehills (not saying that happened here-- just speaking in generalities). If I recall correctly, the OP started the thread asking for suggestions/opinions about the situation, stating that her dau had expressed concerns. So, a little brainstorming or advance planning seems reasonable. Beating up on the OP doesn’t (not speaking to anyone in particular-- it did seem that some to the posts along the way were a tad unkind). Just my opinion. Now, if anyone really wants to see a silly battle and off topic converatiosn… go read the Michael Vick thread. I am always amazed at the twists and turns threads take.</p>
<p>what we need to remember is that the RMs mom called the OP and asked for the Ds phone # or to have OP call D to pass along a message to get off the phone- not sure why- but it wasn’t an emergency or anything like that</p>
<p>the OP didn’t do anything, she showed restraint and good judgement, but saw that this was weird, so the OP isn’t in everyone’s business, the RM mom actually is, for what reason, who knows, but if she does have a reason, she doesn’t seem to be sharing, but expected a 3rd party to intercede- maybe she had a valid reason, we will never know, but to me, that shows the RM mom is herself unsure about her D</p>
<p>Me, if I really needed to talk to my D, it would have to be pretty serious for me to call a roommates mother</p>
<p>Based on the info posted here, and at the risk of overgeneralizing… there seems to be an issue of lack of boundaries with both the rm and rm’s mo. Rm’s mo might not have seen anything wrong with calling the rm (and accidentally gettingthe OP) to ask her favor. Again… just conjecturing. Don’t have my posterior for dinner, please…</p>
<p>I will admit that I have called my gals roomy - during freshman year - but it was an emergency - and I was not able to reach my gal by any other means. That was appropriate in my eyes - a hurricane was coming and she needed to evacuate - and we needed to come with a plan - quickly - like ASAP. Was I wrong to do so?? I don’t think so under those circumstances. The roomies mom actually called me later in the same day - to work out a plan - her gal had never seen/been in a hurricane.</p>
<p>There is a time and place for everything - the OP’s situation doesn’t seem to qualify to involve a 3rd party. JMHO.</p>
<p>Was it Isabel??? That WAS a scary event!</p>
<p>Geez. I’ve called my daughter’s boyfriend when I couldn’t reach her – and I’d call the roommate if I knew her number. It doesn’t have to be an emergency - my daughter is always very good about calling me back within an hour or so after I call… so if I made several calls over a period of hours with no return call, I’d start to worry. </p>
<p>Also, I have to note that in order to for the RM’s mom to call the OP, someone must have given her the number - she didn’t just guess it. The only two people I can think of who would have known the number to give out are the OP and her daughter. </p>
<p>I can understand the OP’s concern… but I don’t understand the magnifying of every little incident by everyone else. When it comes down to, the worry is that the roommate seems very immature and somewhat inconsiderate. Things could be a whole lot worse. </p>
<p>The daughter is going to have to live with the roommate and the best thing she and her mom can do is avoid judging and instead use interpersonal relationship skills to make things worse. What we know is this: when the daughter complained to the roommate about the phone use, the roommate acknowledged the complaint without getting angry or defensive, and the next day the roommate was not hanging out in the room or using the phone. </p>
<p>However, the OP managed to find fault with that in her posts – (roommate said “oh” but didn’t apologize profusely) – so while I don’ know what happened with the daughter, it doesn’t look like the OP really wants this situation to work. Maybe I’m mistaken, but if it were my daughter I would be pointing out some of the positives, just as I am here. </p>
<p>College roommates need to make adjustments and also have a reasonable amount of tolerance and respect for each other’s differences. There needs to be some give on both sides. I can see a lot of issues with the roommate, but I also see some issues with OP’s attitude in terms of lack of flexibility and willingness to give the roommate the benefit of the doubt. What I don’t know is how much the OP is just venting here, and how much may be a reflection of an attitude shared by the daughter. </p>
<p>Parents can help by making positive suggestions geared to trying to improve the relationship with the roommate, on the assumption that the situation is going to continue. Unless the roommate does something illegal or immoral, I don’t think that there’s much likelihood of getting a forced change. There is no indication whatsoever that this roommate is going to do the sort of things that might lead to intervention - things like theft, vandalism, possession & use of illegal substances, etc. The bottom line is that the roommate seems to be really annoying. If that is all it ends up being, the OP’s daughter is going to have to learn to cope. She’ll find that easier to do with a positive attitude.</p>
<p>
. Personally, it’d have to be pretty important for me to do this. My s’s gf’s m used to do this to her roommates when she was in college (and to my s when gf was visiting him) if she hadn’t heard back from her dau within a certain time. It drove them nuts and they didn’t have the kindest of things to say about it.</p>
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</p>
<p>Actually, the school gave her the OP’s home phone number when it notified the girls that they would be roommates - how else did OP’s daughter contact roommate to discuss what to bring (all the stuff that roommate promised but didn’t). I have my d’s roommate’s home contact information. Don’t plan on using it, though.</p>
<p>So let’s lighten up a bit on assuming that there’s something nefarious going on here, shall we?</p>