<p>she worked a job 53hrs/ wk - makes perfect sense to me - not sure what you don’t understand about that.</p>
<p>The OP mentioned money after Hazmat brought up lack of cash as a possible reason for the roommate’s behavior.</p>
<p>I agree with somemom.
In freshman year, one floormate asked to borrow my underwear as she was too lazy to do her laundry. I gagged openly. She went off to do her laundry. :)</p>
<p>Speaking for myself I think I don’t understand spending $150 on linens before books? Hours x wage = net??? Sounds like priority issues at ground zero to me. This train has jumped the tracks and is speeding into the land of wow.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it does not sound very tactful; sorry, Zoosermom.”</p>
<p>Exceedingly tactful, Marite. Remember, I’m a native of Soprano Land . . .</p>
<p>I too think you are too involved OP.</p>
<p>Other than dissuading the parents from calling you, your primary role is to support your D as she learns life lessons. Rule No 1? Don’t fan flames.</p>
<p>As for economic differences, such is the way of the middle class. My in-laws rose from abject poverty to the top 1/2% of income earners. Each step up was an anxious exercise in determining the external ‘codes’ and norms of that particular class.</p>
<p>Many kids experience this anxiety at uni. My own son tells me that he is among the ‘poorest’ kids–and his monthly allowance is far above CC averages. He’s not ‘poor’ by any standard. The money is relative.</p>
<p>Hey Hazmat… your ratio is a bit off - and what she spent on her bed - ~~$50 - is irrelavent to the issues here.</p>
<p>I am lost, so I am bowing out of this discussion. I a bit lost about the financial part of this whole thread. I do think that OP’s D is handling things on her own beautifully. I wish her all of the luck in the world.</p>
<p>We don’t know how involved the OP is, do we? All we know is that she has come to CC to vent and ask for advice. I assume that her D is her only child, so this is all new to her. </p>
<p>Hazmat: You should read more carefully. The D spent $50, not $150 on the linens. But really, how much she spent is none of your business or ours.</p>
<p>If you are stuck at a university that has twin-extra-long beds, you have to buy new linens because the ones you have at home don’t fit.</p>
<p>And even if the bed sizes don’t differ, kids who don’t drive back and forth to college really do need to own two sets of bed linens – one for college and one for home. I really can’t see my daughter lugging her comforter and pillow on the bus during every college break because she couldn’t afford to buy a second set!</p>
<p>So buying a new set of bed linens for college is not a frivolous luxury.</p>
<p>Too right–but as oldtimers we should suggest ways to support from arm’s length and ways to mentally separate from child’s problems.</p>
<p>I guess I’m just not explaining it clearly…</p>
<p>(1) D pays all bills for family, no other family income @ this time</p>
<p>(2) MW was a gift</p>
<p>(3) worked 53 hrs/wk</p>
<p>(4) money left after paying bills from her income was very little</p>
<p>(5) she saved enough to buy her ~$50 linens (comforter & sheets)</p>
<p>(6) she bought others necessary items with graduation gift cards/ money</p>
<p>(7) she shopped at the Dollar store & Target $1.00 bins for other items. </p>
<p>(8) and to add a few extras: straight A student, never made a B, over 1,000 hrs. community service her senior year, active in EC & church, non-smoker, non-drinker & is not into drugs, sex, etc.</p>
<p>(9) she was not to interview for ws until later this week but the prof. interviewed her, hired her & she began working within one hr. today.
She plans to get another part-time job off campus. All while double-majoring & taking more advanced classes as a freshman. </p>
<p>(10) hopefully, I explained enough & more clearly where everyone understands why equal use of the room would be nice when she has time to be there.</p>
<p>Equal use of the room would be nice regardless of what you listed (although the list is impressive).</p>
<p>On the other hand, it is possible to survive at college while using the room just as a place to sleep. There are other places to study and hang out, and if there is a problem with the roommate using up your daughter’s consumable supplies (such as food, drinks, school supplies), she can and should flatly tell the roommate that she has found herself spending more money than she anticipated and that she can’t afford to share any more. She does not need to mention that the reason why she is spending more than she anticipated is that the roommate is using up her stuff.</p>
<p>PGPC125 - just continue to be very supportive of your gal - who sounds like a great gal - with lots going for her. Have faith that she will work things out as they should be - and will get help when she needs it :)</p>
<p>She is going to have to take one day at a time in all this - but she will figure out how to manage things with the roomy - and be better for it too:) It is the roomy who is going to lose out - in many ways.</p>
<p>OP- Perhaps if the rm comes from a family that spends money quite freely, she does not “understand” that what’s yours is not necessarily hers. Your daughter’s food, drink, shampoo, conditioner, etc…are purchased from your daughter’s hard earned money. I think it would be very reasonable to mention in a nice way that she is on a really tight budget and therefore really can’t “share” all of her items. Hopefully the rm respects that and does not continue using your d’s stuff. </p>
<p>I do think that items such as a TV, microwave, refrigerator, etc are expected to be shared w/o asking. After all, you wouldn’t want 2 of each of those bulky items cluttering up the room. OTOH, usually the roommates each contributes some of these items.</p>
<p>Hopefully they manage to work things out between them in the next couple of days. I agree that the initial impression did not seem good! Meanwhile, be proud that your d is such a hard working, resourceful young lady. Good luck.</p>
<p>Crystal Ball~takes off campus job while doing WS and taking 18 hours
<p>
Actually, with your daughter’s schedule (double major, heavy course load, work study job, plans for 2nd off-campus job) – it doesn’t sound like she’ll be spending much time at all in her room. I think that if she can come to an agreement with the roommate about quiet hours and lights out/dimmed at night, thinks might work out o.k. It sounds like on most days your d. will probably be up and out for the room before the roommie even wakes up, and is unlikely to be back in the room until sometime in the evening, after dinner.</p>
<p>Does the roommate’s family lives nearby? With the immaturity & the 16 year old boyfriend, it also looks like roommy might be the type to go home on weekends, leaving your d. with plenty of time to herself then. </p>
<p>I know that this is a mixed blessing, but it is manageable.</p>
<p>Just an anecdote here - my gals first roomy used the phone all the time - never a moments peace - so since my gal provided the phone - she would unplug the thing and lock it up for a while - just for peace and quiet - got the message across. They ended up making a ‘rule’ that long phone conversations would occur elsewhere - on cell phone - or very very quietly.</p>
<p>She also had a black plastic trunk/footlocker (about $30 from Wallyworld) that locked with a padlock - she would lock up stuff she just did not want to share (also had a locking file cabinet as well) - for safety’s sake. Again got the message across without any hassle.</p>
<p>HAZMAT some kids DO have that type of schedule and manage it pretty well. Not all college students are lucky enough to come from families that provide funds to their kiddos - cuz they can’t - so it is up to the student to manage making $$ on their own - and do WS - and take 18 credits - and do well to boot :)</p>
<p>LOTS of kids have those kind of schedules…my comment was more to the sending money home. I just don’t understand no money for books for a kid that worked hard all summer. How does that serve the greater goal of preparation and achievement? More to the point, it is sounding, as I have stated prior…boundary issues at ground zero.</p>
<p>The good thing is that we’ve gotten off the “go to the Dean or RA” idea. Even if your daughter ends up going to them (and I’d go to the RA first), they’re going to want to hear that she has tried to work it out with her roommate on her own. Otherwise she’s going to look helpless and immature herself. Also, I’d advise her to pick her battles wisely. Getting sexiled or stolen from would be legitimate complaints; some of the other stuff in the first post would be laughed off.</p>
<p>I’m just trying to save the OPs daughter from making a mistake that will haunt her for a long time. The best thing she has going for her is her credibility, and if she’s not careful about how she goes about solving this problem (taking the appropriate steps in the right order), she’s going to lose it, and no one will believe her when it really hits the fan.</p>