<p>“I just don’t understand no money for books for a kid that worked hard all summer”</p>
<p>She was supporting her family. That’s not hard to understand at all. What part of the fact that the mother is disabled but not yet drawing disability pay and father hasn’t paid child support are you not getting?</p>
<p>The part where the parent, puts the needs of a child heading off to college before self? I think that part. No mention of church family lending support or other social agencies. When a parent cannot maintain a boundary and pulls in a young adult both individuals are harmed. I love the pats on the back 'tho. I love the escalation of the circumstance and the sympathy vote. I just don’t happen to agree. I have no dog in this hunt.</p>
<p>If the young woman is old enough to go to college, then she’s old enough to help her family in a time of crisis. Unfortunate that she has to, but sometimes all members of a family have to pitch in. You would prefer they became homeless?</p>
<p>I have no preference. I stated my observation and understanding. Clearly you don’t agree. That works for me. I didn’t say you were wrong I merely stated what I thought.</p>
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<p>It’s not even an issue of money. Imagine if the D bought something to be consumed later, goes to the fridge and finds it gone. And it’s late at night. Or the D is about to do her laundry and finds the roommate has used up all the detergent. Even if the D has the money to buy more detergent, it’s a major inconvenience. Or the D has a headache, and finds he bottle of pain relievers is empty.</p>
<p>OK HAZ… again there are sometimes circumstances - out of ones control - or - none of your business - that may contribute to a young adult to be a big part of being the family financier - sure sounds like that may be a huge piece of the pie here. Could be that other resources have come into play - we don’t know that - and maybe not - it is not for us to question.</p>
<p>A students pay-check only goes so far - and it sounds like hers may have been stretched as far as it would go - but that the student still has the opportunity to attend college. When one really thinks hard about this situation - it is much more important to keep the lights on - food on the table - heat/hw/etc… than books. Altho very important to the student - books cannot take the priority lead here - living has to be the priority. If borrowing for books is the worst/last thing to occur - so be it - but keeping a roof over ones head still comes far out front.</p>
<p>The OP does not have to explain herself in this regard. Maybe you need to put yourself in their place for a bit - to really understand how some families stuggle - yet are able to hold things together when they work as a family.</p>
<p>I agree Marite - it would be better if she just had common courtesy not to take her roommates stuff. I was just thinking that maybe she would actually think before taking if she is used to taking all of the time. When I was in school my roommate often “borrowed” my stuff w/o asking, but I would think that if she knew it may be a hardship for me to replace she may be a little more considerate. ( and she might not think “what a b…” if the roomie tells her she won’t share. )
It is hard to negotiate the roommate thing but part of the whole learning experience!LOL</p>
<p>edit - I am a very non-confrontational person ( my kids say a wimp) so it would be easier for me to state it the way I suggested. LOL</p>
<p>I have no need to understand this. I have asked no particular questions of the OP. Certainly books are on reserve or the college will pony up what the student needs. Clearly you feel the need to teach me something that we disagree on. I repeat to you, I have no need to understand, I was entertained at the escalation, still am. 108 posts and counting.</p>
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<p>PA mom: If it were a different scenario, I think your more tactful approach would work. I am reacting to the assumption of the rm’s mother that “What belongs to one belongs to the others.” It looks like the roommate belongs to a family that does not set boundaries among themselves or with others. This enables the roommate to appropriate space, food, drinks, etc… without even asking permission or thanking the OP’s D. </p>
<p>So the D needs to make it very clear that she does not share the assumption that “what is mine is mine and what is yours is also mine.” And to make it clear that it is a matter of both ethics and etiquette she does not need to give a justification for her very reasonable position.</p>
<p>Instead, she might actually want to stress that as a matter of common courtesy, she would expect to be asked for permission to things that need to be replaced. Even the MV oven, since I assume that she brought it in the expectation that she would make use of it; the roommate needs to ascertain that it’s okay for her to use it, that the owner of the oven won’t be needing it at the same time.</p>
<p>The longer the D lets things slide, the more the roommate will be convinced that her way is quite acceptable. She will be totally stunned and bewildered when one day the D snaps when she finds that her bottle of milk has been drunk and not replaced, that the roommate used up her shampoo or whatever.</p>
<p>Some observations going back to the OP:</p>
<p>1) Great! Looks like D will have a single soon enough!</p>
<p>2) Let your D work things out for herself and consider it part of her education that you don’t pay extra for.</p>
<p>3) Don’t try to solve problems remotely. Listen to D. Be supportive and encourage her to seek resources on campus. But don’t presume you know all the facts or are more experienced at handling these situations than the people who are available to your D on campus. DO NOT GIVE HER THE IMPRESSION THAT VENTING TO YOU SHIFTS THE BURDEN TO YOU TO DEAL WITH THIS.</p>
<p>4) Notwithstanding #1, above, there’s a good chance that this odd couple will become lifelong friends if there is no outside influence inserting a wedge between them. To the roommate, your D may come across as an uptight, anal-retentive control freak. They probably have lots to offer to each other.</p>
<p>5) Enjoy the extra free time in your life now that D is (sort of) on her own. Let her worry about her worries. You will do well to focus on other important things.</p>
<p>OP – could some of this be simply a misunderstanding?</p>
<p>For example, I know a girl who arrived at her dorm without a microwave/fridge/tv etc. only because the school specified these were not allowed in the dorms. So what may have looked like ‘stinginess’ on the part of the girl’s family was simply due to being very literal with the rules. (Much to her surprise, her roomate brought it all – she knew that the school’s RAs ‘looked the other way’ as long as the stuff didn’t pose any obvious problems/hazards. )</p>
<p>Could it be your D’s RM’s family also made an assumption about certain items not being allowed?</p>
<p>FWIW, it’s not always easy to know what to do when you’re sending your first child off to college. My D attends school accross the country, and we simply couldn’t see ourselves lugging appliances on a plane, yet wanted to make sure all expenses for D’s suite-style housing were shared equittably. Lucky for us, the girls organized themselves - those who drove to campus brought all the ‘big’ items, D & I supplied a futon for the common area, a few decorative items & a full-lenght mirror (their requests), all of which we purchased locally. Had we not had such organized group of kids to work with, we too would have looked cheap and irresponsible in comparison to the other families ;)</p>
<p>I’m still trying to get my head around the idea of how/why the OP ended up bringing all these items. Was the RM supposed to bring a MW, frig, or TV and didn’t? Those are the three main items that roomies split up. My son and his roommate agreed over the summer that S would bring frig, RM would bring micro. Neither brought a TV, although son brought his electric guitar and amp, so there will be soundwaves in the room. </p>
<p>Personally, I would have jumped on the “you got a doozy as a roomy” bandwagon if she was supposed to bring something utilitarian, and she didn’t. I was “thrown off” by the comments about bedspreads, which seemed relatively superficial within the context of meeting and befriending a total stranger.</p>
<p>I do think now, especially knowing the financial situation of the OP, the roomie should have chipped in and come to school with some of the common-use furnishings. What was she supposed to supply? When it was realized that she didn’t bring what she was supposed to, how was that handled? Did anyone say anything? What was her reaction?</p>
<p>lists were sent out to all incoming students, told in meetings, etc; specified what to bring & what not to bring & to discuss with rm so the list could be divided, therefore more equitable expenses. After my D notified the rm that she could bring the larger items (due to receiving some as gifts), in addition to
some other necessities, she received a call a few days before move-in day & the rm stated she would bring 4 small items & would my d bring a mop & bucket along with the other items. The rm only brought 1 of the 4 items she said she was bringing.</p>
<p>it doesn’t matter if the OPs D was Bill Gates love child, you just don’t go taknig and makng assumptions about using other people’s stuff</p>
<p>The RM:
talks on phone incessantly
is dating a boy 3 years younger (big flag to me- if this was a guy roommate and he expected to bring his 16 yo gf to sleep with him on campus, I would guess some might care more, but this still bothers me- what are his parents thinking)
watches cartoons all the time
has immature tastes in many things
mom provides food because RM is a “picky eater”
RM has been told pretty much anythign around is hers
RM makes a commitment to bring her share of stuff, then doesn’t with no real excuse</p>
<p>I am not saying it is time to panic, but OPs D has every right to “wonder” about this girl, I do…</p>
<p>Oh yes,. MOM calls OP to ask for a weird favor</p>
<p>I think the OPs D, who sounds amazing and I wish her the best, will handle this well, she just needs to not feel sorry for the RM if the roommate doesn’t have something</p>
<p>I would first ask roommate for half the $ for the phone, and sweetly keep asking</p>
<p>My gut tells me this RM won’t last to the second semester, which is sad, but it is apparent there are some underlying issues that her parents haven’t addressed or they even enable the D</p>
<p>Really now…it’s bad enough that mom is so caught up in details and sniping at a roommate and has a defense or omniscient counterpoint to every possibility raised as to a misunderstanding. And I am disconnecting on the daughter who kept the family afloat while saving for college…who somehow now needs advice that mom gets from cyberstrangers on a message board.</p>
<p>It’s hard to deal with this problem on its face because I cannot begin to presume that mom knows the full story and is conveying it here well enough for our advice to be of much use.</p>
<p>This is like many personality conflicts. When one party vents and lets off steam, the information tends to be one-sided. It could just as easily be a co-worker or lover. The aggrieved party comes home and complains about the boss or the girlfriend tells her childhood friend about some idiot thing her boyfriend did. And the person who hears the information, out of unflagging allegiance, sees things one way. How many wives dislike being near their husband’s boss at the Christmas party after a year’s worth of stories – when, in fact, the husband gets along with the boss fairly well. How many girlfriends chafe when they’re around their best friend’s beau – when, in balance, the couple gets along well? I see mom taking a very vigilant and loyal position here on behalf of her D – but it would be presumptuous to assume that things are all as bad between roomies as mom insists on making things out to be.</p>
<p>As I read through this thread, that sort of blind loyalty practically bludgeoned me each time the story evolved so that each possible explanation of roomie’s sanity or reasonableness got refuted. I can’t see how anyone can seriously think they’re operating with the full facts and give advice for D to use.</p>
<p>What we *can[\i] offer is suggestions for mom to deal with the problem she perceives. And to that I strongly recommend detachment from the conflict and doing nothing more than steering D to the pros at the school. Reading this thread sends more red flags about mom’s clinginess and cattiness about the roommate than it does about D’s ability to deal with whatever the situation might be – even if it’s exactly as described. D is a survivor. She supported her family! The one person in this scenario that I’m not worried about is the D – unless mom starts prying and driving a wedge between her and the roommate.</p>
<p>there is more to the rm’s problems then meet the eye, and no one is saying round up the wagons, but as experienced adults, we are offering suggestions</p>
<p>no one said to drive a wedge, what many of us are saying is that the RM has some issues that can indeed affect the OPs D</p>
<p>The OP was looking for advice for her to give her D on how to work with the RM, who is not your normal roommate, btw</p>
<p>The signals she is sending to the RM, the signals the RMs mom is sending, well the RMs mom has already involved the OP</p>
<p>I think anxiety about money overshadows this family’s experience, and I feel very sorry that things are so difficult. OP’s daughter sounds like a wonderful girl; I, for one, am happy she has a new comforter and sheets; I hope they’re pretty. There is so much tension and stress here the best way to reduce it is set limits as others have said and ignore the roommate; stressing over her deficiencies just adds more tension.</p>
<p>This thread has demonstrated to me that D has had 2 wonderful roommates!</p>
<p>Why do we so often, in these threads, go from trying to help the OP to judging the OP?</p>
<p>I think the best way to help the OP is to advise her to disconnect from the problem and not be so invested in creating a solution or swaying opinion here against D’s roommate. </p>
<p>It’s easier to advise the OP about how to deal with what’s upsetting her than to go one or two steps further removed and advise her as to how to advise her D about what to do with the D’s roommate. </p>
<p>We can’t possibly know that we’re even getting a semblance of the reality of that dorm room sufficient to hand out advice for the D. We do know firsthand what the OP is struggling with and how reactive she is and how she is wrestling with any number of issues, from finances to stuffed animals to resentment of her D’s roommate’s apparent socialization skills. Feeding into this by giving advice for her to pass on to the D – while implicitly validating and affirming every aspect of her detailed tale of woe – doesn’t do her any favors. </p>
<p>Helping the OP is a matter of getting her detached from this and accepting of her D’s ability to deal with this without our cyberhelp. Better yet, getting the OP to focus on other priorities at home, instead of her perception of D’s priorities at college, is intended to be helpful to the OP.</p>
<p>Yes, there’s an element of judging the OP that’s going on. But it beats judging the roommate. There’s a body of direct evidence that suggests that instead of being liberated from her D who has gone off to college, the OP is entangling herself (and some of us) through this crisis. I can speak to that and help with that by saying, “Step back, feel proud that you’ve given your D many great gifts to deal with all sorts of minor crises in life, find solace and succor in what she has already done, and use the free time you now have to focus on other life priorities…from smelling the roses to more mundane matters that beckon.”</p>
<p>Hi OP,</p>
<p>It sure sounds like your D got a real winner as a roommate! I agree that it sounds like she’s immature and a ‘user’ as is her mom. I think your D needs to be cautious that she doesn’t get any more caught up with this RM than she’s forced to and while making an effort to be a friend, should be prepared to consider this a business relationship if need be (simply sharing a room). The RM could ‘come around’ but she could also remain being the user she appears to be and perhaps not very successful at college. She could also remain a user and still manage to get through college so she could be there for a while. I agree that you D shouldn’t get sucked into being the notetaker while the RM watches ‘cartoons’ all day (???!!) but this bridge hasn’t been approached yet, and she shouldn’t let the RM abuse the phone and all of your D’s other stuff. Typically shared items like a fridge and microwave I wouldn’t sweat though (unless the RM takes over the fridge). </p>
<p>However, it sounds like your D is capable and willing to deal with it and you’re lending the moral support and occasional advice she needs. I would say though, that if the other mother were to call again to try to make you (or your D) some kind of watchdog for her D, I’d tell that mother that she needs to handle issues with her D herself and that neither of you want to be put in the uncomfortable position of an intermediary for her. You could also take the opportunity to inform her that your D’s are both in college now and therefore they should be able to work this out without help from the mommies.</p>
<p>Good luck to your D and you.</p>