<p>This has been said before, but I cannot emphasize it enough (from past personal experiences): COMMUNICATION is key. The O.P.'s D needs to communicate her expectations about her own property with her roommate as soon as possible in a matter of fact way. If the r.m. is using all her things and nothing is said, then resenment will build and it will be a very uncomfortable situation all around. If O.P.'s D sets boundaires from the get-go, everyone will be on the same page. This rommate situation may blossom into a friendship or it may not, but with open communication, it should remain a respectful arrangement.</p>
<p>D’yer maker, you have wonderful insight, and have expressed recommendations that I think are both very logical and helpful.</p>
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<p>BINGO. </p>
<p>OP, I won’t try to judge or to help at this point You have received lots of advice. Your D sounds alot like me as a college student: work study and job off campus, double major, community involvement church involvement. While my folks could not really help with college expenses, I was lucky to not have to worry about sending money home. We didn’t have Dollar Stores back then, but I do remember my roommate bringing purses and bedding with “initials” on them, and I brought my linens purchased at a Zayre’s (anyone remember them?–a step down from K-mart.) </p>
<p>Your D is very resourceful. If she is used to working 53 hours a week over the summer, she will definately be able to handle this immature roommate. Your D will be so busy and involved, she won’t have time to be in the room much or be bothered. So long as she has quiet time to sleep…My guess is that she will have lots of places she’ll want to study at besides that room. Let D set boundaries, have lock boxes, and go about her business. Roommate will self destruct.</p>
<p>Honestly, if you don’t have something helpful to offer, why post at all?
Is it out of fashion to be respectful? (Evidently some people are just omniscient–see all–know all! It’s rather amusing.) If a poster asks for advice, isn’t that what CC’ers should offer? Advice based on experience?<br>
So what if the OP needed to let off steam and came here to do it–certainly wouldn’t be the first time.</p>
<p>Anyway, back in the dark ages, my first college roommate lasted one semester. She was homesick–even though home was a mere 45 minutes away and she went home every weekend to see her (large) family and her alcoholic (no kidding) fiance. She was a nice girl, but her homesickness resulted in poor academic performance. My second roommate arrived in a Maserati. She came from an ultra-wealthy family and really had no concept of money. She brought only clothing with her. She didn’t do laundry, so she “borrowed” my underwear. She was bored with her wardrobe and availed herself of mine. (I grew up upper-middle class and didn’t want for much, but had had a much more grounded upbringing.) She told me that I could borrow whatever I wanted. I was used to shopping in Bloomingdales, Saks Fifth Ave, and Bonwit Teller, but her clothes were unique European designer label couture. I found it odd that she wanted my stuff, but I didn’t complain. My family took vacations at the Cape, while hers went to the Grand Prix in Monte Carlo or skiing in the Alps. We came from very different backgrounds, and at first there were some issues. But as I came to understand and know and eventually love her and her family, the differences no longer made much of a difference. Over the years, she has relied much more on me than I have relied on her. But as with most relationships, there are always some inequities. It was a positive learning experience for both of us. We learned to respect each other for our differences and show consideration for each other even when we disagreed. Not always easy, but what “adults” do.</p>
<p>Part of college life is learning to deal with these differences as an adult.<br>
Your D may be annoyed, and so may you, but your D sounds like a responsible, grounded individual. She will undoubtedly assert herself out of need and eventually rise above the situation. Just give it some time, and give her the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson.</p>
<p>BAfromBC… well said :)</p>
<p>Regarding microwave ovens and refrigerators. Look at various school websites and you will find variations on how they come to be- school provided (one or both), rented… The one caveat seems to be only one per room, for energy usage purposes. Therefore roommates are expected to share them, no matter how they decide who provides the item (the costs today can be relatively small). That is not the same as sharing storage space or the contents, however. </p>
<p>Regarding landline telephones. Again, many ways for schools to do this- some provide the local service, students provide a phone. I would expect both roommates to be able to use the phone, regardless of who brought it (unless each had one for their phone jack, like an extension phone setup). Sharing use of the phone should be equitable, regardless of who provided the phone, it is a sharing of the local service/time (as well as a noise issue).</p>
<p>For me, I would love to talk to the RMs mom and find out what the heck is going with the D, I never would but as a mom, I couldn’t help but be concerned about my Ds RM if I saw those warning signs</p>
<p>And if the mom called me a few times, I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t try and find out more</p>
<p>This could work out if the RM is willing to learn and grow, but at this point, the OPs D needs to be sure her stuff is left alone</p>
<p>My D is going to college in a few days, and she and roomie have discussed sharing</p>
<p>It may be where my D needs to borrow shampoo, and roommate borrows laundry, i think generally that stuff works itself out</p>
<p>But in the OPs Ds case, right off the bat, the roomie didn’t do her fair share, after sayying she would, at this point the OPs D must be clear about her boundaries and her stuff</p>
<p>My daughter had an odd roommate situation last year. It was not the same as the OP’s but it was odd (basically an absentee roommate…stuff in the room, no person). DD DID have a talk with the RA about it because DD was not happy about the situation and wanted some ways to deal with it (e.g. when roommate did show up, she studied until all hours of the night, didn’t want the TV on at all, etc). The conversation with the RA was excellent, and it layed the groundwork for a very nice working relationship with the roomie. Also, DD suspects that the RA had additional info about roomie (which she didn’t share with DD), and was very sensitive about the whole thing. RAs are on the floors, and resident directors in buildings, to deal with roommate concerns. There is nothing wrong with a new freshman going in to talk to these folks and laying out their concerns. As a former RA (ok…dark ages…but) I can say, the RA’s have heard it all. And they are given some guidance on how to manage small issues (e.g. roommate wears perfume that makes other roomie sick…no kidding), to larger issues (e.g. boyfriends overnight, or drugs). I would heartily suggest that the OP’s daughter talk to the RA IF the OP’s daughter wants to do so. The OP’s parents should encourage their daughter to manage this situation herself, and truthfully, they should NOT be making the calls.</p>
<p>Amusing thread…extremely hard worker meets extreme slacker! Boom! Film at eleven. ;)</p>
<p>I haven’t read the entire thread, but I agree that setting limits with the roommate and the rm’s mom is in order (hopefully roommate won’t be planning overnights with a 16 yr old! Can you say “jailbait”??), and if that is not successful, talking to the RA is appropriate. It is their place to help address adjustment issues to college, and the OP’s dau has the right to have a comfortable living experience as whe adjusts to college life. I applaud the OP for asking opinions here, as others have probably had similar experiences. No reason to give the OP a hard time.</p>
<p>"For me, I would love to talk to the RMs mom and find out what the heck is going with the D, I never would but as a mom, I couldn’t help but be concerned about my Ds RM if I saw those warning signs</p>
<p>And if the mom called me a few times, I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t try and find out more"</p>
<p>Me too. I would feel that if she called me, then conversation would be fair game. Being tactless, I’d probably say “Janie seems to be having some difficulty adjusting to college. Is everything ok?” It would be all I could do to not ask “what’s the deal with your kid and where did you get the idea that you could call me?”</p>
<p>"Also, DD suspects that the RA had additional info about roomie (which she didn’t share with DD), and was very sensitive about the whole thing. "</p>
<p>If this young woman has a documentable issue, then the RA could possibly know something and be able to offer informed guidance, when it reaches that point, no?</p>
<p>The first thing I thought when I read that the mother had called at 10 PM was, “here is a mom who is reaching out to someone; she might be hurting/worried/apprehensive; maybe she just wants someone to talk to.” </p>
<p>Who of us here has never called someone under a legitimate but somewhat trivial pretense, in hopes of maybe opening up the conversation to other topics? Maybe the RM’s mom really just wanted someone to talk to, to share her concerns, a way of opening up the communications, establishing a relationship, divulging more personal information… who knows? It just seemed fishy to me when I first read about it- my first inclination was that although the RM had been on the phone a lot that day, the mom might be just using that as an excuse to call.</p>
<p>^ I thought about that too. If the RM does have a disability, her mother might be looking to reach out to someone, and also hope to gain some compasion from OP and OP’s D to help her D “to make it” in a dorm situation successfully.</p>
<p>"“here is a mom who is reaching out to someone; she might be hurting/worried/apprehensive; maybe she just wants someone to talk to.”</p>
<p>I didn’t get that from the OP, but you may very well be right. I have to admit, though, that I would be the wrong person to reach out to. I am a person who doesn’t encourage immediate warmth and intimacy. Takes me a while.</p>
<p>But if the mother was trying to enlist support or understanding, wouldn’t it behoove her to communicate honestly and clearly so there are no misunderstandings? I mean, I know that’s hard, but if you’ve been dealing with a situation for years, at some point you have to take responsibility for dealing appropriately.</p>
<p>Who knows, I’m just speculating. I guess I’m just going on how I would be…I can’t imagine calling ANYONE at 10 PM unless there is something seriously bothering me.</p>
<p>What stood out for me is the stash of sweets and the stick thin girl. Plus the eating of a whole bag of cookies plus in a short time. Possible eating disorder?</p>
<p>How about the OP D’s turning the tables and helping herself to the rm’s stash of sweets.
My D moved into a dorm room that had bedding, clothes, fan, etc but the first month of school she never saw the roommate. She tried emailing and calling but the girl never responsed. Finally with the RA’s permission she moved the girls stuff out the room into a vacant room and moved her friend in. It eventually came out that the girls parents had moved her into the dorm and she was living with a boyfriend off campus.</p>
<p>oh my gosh. Can you imagine being called and told your daughter’s stuff is here but no one in the dorm ever sees her? With what rooms fees are I would be seeing red.</p>
<p>I called someone at 9:45 PM last night, because it was 9:40 before I walked into the room with the answering machine and saw that there were some messages. As it happened, it was the mother of one of my son’s friends, who wanted (a) to know if I knew where they were (maybe, sorta), and (b) to get sympathy about her son leaving home (to go to college six whole miles away, where his father works).</p>
<p>^<em>shrug</em></p>
<p>Just because her son is nearby doesn’t mean he’ll let her see him often :P. Maybe he might as well be across the country. Haha.</p>