<p>but you can’t make him drink. That is so true with children. Does anyone have some advice for a mother who sees the tremendous potential her daughter has, but is frustrated knowing D is not interested in capitalizing on her gifts and talents? I have been telling myself that motivation is an important part of the talent equation, so if she lacks that quality then she really isn’t so talented after all and I should just relax and resign myself to that fact.</p>
<p>The primary principle which seems to be influencing D is her desire not to be viewed as a nerd and to maintain a normal social life. However, I’m convinced it’s possible to do that without neglecting her talents. Plenty of kids manage that balance–they populate CC!</p>
<p>One factor may be that her friends, who are mostly companions from her most time-consuming EC, do not seem to be go-getters at all. She compares herself to them and thinks she’s doing great. I compare her to what I think she has the potential to be, and don’t arrrive at the same glowing conclusions.</p>
<p>I don’t want to damage her, but I also don’t want to “enable” any unwise short-sightedness either. For example, the abundance of time spent IMing is not contributing anything to her future. However, given her interest in social things, I suggested she might consider running for class officer or student council. Nope, not interested. </p>
<p>I’m sure this issue has been discussed on CC many times before, but how and how much should a parent push and prod? Has anyone managed to do this with success and without damaging their child?</p>
<p>Have you considered limiting her IMing to a specific amount of time? I have a “gifted” child who is incredibly social, too, and I do walk a fine line as well. Ultimately, what works for us is to set specific goals and very clear guidelines. She may be on the computer for X amount of time between certain hours only, and she can only go out on Friday or Saturday night with her friends if she has done what she needs to do. She must be in bed at a certain time and her grades have to be above a certain level. Since we’re so clear about our expectations, there is very rarely a conflict. We also talk a lot about her dreams for the future and what she will need to do to achieve them. She has learned from her sister that putting together a complete package is important for college admissions, and that can be done while having a great time and lots of friends. I gently and respectfully point out to you that running for class officer and IMing friends casually aren’t comparable at all, and I wonder what your expections are for your daughter versus what hers are for herself.</p>
<p>GFG, How old is this girl? Are the gifts and talents you refer to in a specific arena? Are you talking about her not living up to her potential academically, or is it something else/</p>
<p>My expectation is that she work to the best of her ability at her studies, and that she commit to one or two EC’s and give them her best as well. I also expect that she weigh her willingness to work and come up with a reasonable plan. If she doesn’t want to work very hard on academics, then I’d honestly be content with her taking lower level classes but doing what is required to get good grades. Taking all honors classes but then balking at the load and doing poorly in all of them seems like a bad idea to me.</p>
<p>Yes, I get your point about the IMing and class officer not being comparable, but where I’m coming from on that is I’m open to her dedicating time to more social pursuits in lieu of academic ones. At her high school, if you’re a class officer or in student govt. you have to take it as a class and thus would not be taking an AP or honors class in that slot. I just don’t see endless chatting on the IM or cell phone to be productive.</p>
<p>As far as limits, we’ve tried but there has indeed been tons of conflict and my resolve is weakening.</p>
<p>She is talented in music (first chair in middle school), but now complains about band and has completely stopped practicing her instrument. (She also dropped singing and piano.) She is very bright, but has begun to identify herself with the non-academic kids. She is perhaps most talented in sports, but often balks at the regime there as well. For example, going to the weekend practices or doing the assigned training at home on days off. In a word, she’s got talent but lacks drive and passion.</p>
<p>Why don’t you just ask “has anyone managed to do this with success?” first? I don’t know that I’ve ever seen it, certainly not beginning in high school. Stage-mom pushiness, or the academic equivalent, always requires at least tacit collaboration from the young “star”. Not that there isn’t often damage – that I have seen – but it usually shows up in kids who bought into the program for a long time.</p>
<p>That said, many people here like to remind us that “life is a marathon, not a sprint.” You want your child to be happy and productive, and to achieve her potential, in the long run; high school is a means, not the end. You may have to content yourself with giving positive reinforcement to the aspects of her personality you value, and having faith that someday she will learn to value them, too.</p>
<p>My youngest sister is a good illustration: Smart, high tester, very analytical and logical, but never wanted to stand out at all, or to be caught trying to achieve something and falling short. Completely self-protective. She got very little but a good time out of college, and spent the next ten years doing an excellent job in a dead-end position she essentially fell into, and refusing to make the move that would produce an actual career. </p>
<p>Finally, after something of a nervous breakdown and move back home with Mom and Dad, she decided that she’d really always wanted to be a doctor, and had merely forgotten to show any interest in science after 10th grade. She began a post-bac pre-med program at age 33, very aware that she had no margin for error, and that an older B+ history major from a second-tier state university with no track record was not going to catch any breaks from med school admissions committees. So? Taking huge classes stuffed with undergraduate pre-meds, she had a 4.0 average in the required courses. She got involved in research projects. She did well on the MCATs. Three years later, she had a decent group of med school acceptances to choose from, and now, twelve years after she started, she has an actual career that fits her personality and intelligence.</p>
<p>Would it have been great if she had gotten her epiphany earlier? Sure? Could anyone have done anything to hurry it along? I sincerely doubt it.</p>
<p>“Yes, I get your point about the IMing and class officer not being comparable, but where I’m coming from on that is I’m open to her dedicating time to more social pursuits in lieu of academic ones. At her high school, if you’re a class officer or in student govt. you have to take it as a class and thus would not be taking an AP or honors class in that slot. I just don’t see endless chatting on the IM or cell phone to be productive.”</p>
<p>I (again respectfully) can see where your daughter is coming from. Endless chatting? No. But more than you’d like actually is productive and important. The trick is finding a balance. But life’s not all about being productive, either. One class selected here or there is simply not going to have that much impact on college admissions. If you’re having that level of conflict, you need to do something different. What kind of grades is she actually getting? Are we talking about failure here or just not perfect?</p>
<p>does she really need a cell phone? Can you look around and see other things you’ve provided without expectation? Is there a family expectation of good performance? It’s a very simple “do and you get, don’t and you won’t.” </p>
<p>Define what is a necessary and what really isn’t necessary. The not really necessary things are earned by meeting expectations. Your D has to do something to get them. </p>
<p>I know this sounds harsh but if she gets everything regardless of how she does, why be motivated?</p>
<p>Peer pressure can be a very positive thing. If her friends aren’t motivated either, maybe she should be going to a different school. (Yes, I know; easier said than done.)</p>
<p>I too have an underachieving HGT kid, so I can sympathize. (Though in my case, it’s a boy and I blame his sex for his underachievement ;)) But you yourself said it best: motivation is key and your daughter lacks it. How do you motivate a kid? Beats me, I haven’t figured it out. However, I have instituted performance-for-perks system. Want a cell phone? Fine, but only if you have no Cs on your report card. (Result: no cell phone.) Want to join the pricy snowboarding club. FIne, but only if you have no Cs on your report card. (Result: see above.) Next year, there will be NO snowboarding at all if there are Cs on the report card. (Likely result: I’ll save some money.) </p>
<p>I guess what I’m saying is – you can’t force motivation. But you can – to some extent – enforce certain standards. And then cross your fingers and hope to die…</p>
<p>Katliasmom is right. You can only enforce standards, but you’ve got to do it consistently and fairly. A couple of comments by the original poster make me really wonder if she’s being reasonable. I wonder how she defines lack of motivation and success.</p>
<p>TheGFG, you may want to read the book “Reviving Ophelia”, which talks in great detail about bright girls who become “non-academic” in high school, and what to do about it.</p>
<p>I too have an underachieving HGT kid, so I can sympathize. (Though in my case, it’s a boy and I blame his sex for his underachievement ) But you yourself said it best: motivation is key and your daughter lacks it. How do you motivate a kid? Beats me, I haven’t figured it out. However, I have instituted performance-for-perks system. Want a cell phone? Fine, but only if you have no Cs on your report card. (Result: no cell phone.) Want to join the pricy snowboarding club. FIne, but only if you have no Cs on your report card. (Result: see above.) Next year, there will be NO snowboarding at all if there are Cs on the report card. (Likely result: I’ll save some money.)</p>
<p>Sorry can’t seem to quote the above.</p>
<p>This sounds like my son, who was ‘grounded’ for a good bit of high school. He’d get a C one quarter, work real hard to bring it up to a B+, oops but let 2 Bs fall to Cs. Well, Late junior year he had an unequivical ADHD-inattentive (not hyperactive) diagnosis. This is very commonly missed in bright boys.</p>
<p>You can set minimum standards for academic performance but you can’t make her want to do anything. She needs to decide herself where she wants to spend her energy- as far as “extra” stuff. If she doesn’t like piano, maybe she’d rather take up art. Or photography. Or raquetball. Whatever. Certainly she has some interests. That would be what I would focus in on- talk to her about it. Tell her that it’s healthy for people to have interests and passions in SOMETHING, and let’s find out what hers are.</p>
<p>My son decided to play football in hs, in spite of the fact that he’s only 5’11, 180 when wet (he was only 160 when he started). It wasn’t my idea but he absolutely LOVED it all four years. I would have never in a million years thought he would have gone in for football- he never did the peewee stuff or anything. It was his choice and as long as he kept up with his academics, I let him do his thing. </p>
<p>Anyway, talk to her about what she really LOVES doing. Encourage her to find ways of spending her free time that satisfy her (besides spending all her time on the phone/computer). She needs to “own” herself and not feel like she’s doing stuff just to please mom and dad.</p>
<p>What doubleplay suggests is exactly what we did with my daughter. Surly and snarky though she may be, she does now get what she needs done. We started the conversation with “what do you dream of, hope for, aspire to in your life?” “What do you love to do?” “If you could pursue any goal, what would it be?” those conversations were absolutely enlightening. We’ve been excited together to look for things and share things. It’s been great because I had no idea. I thought I did but I was so wrong. Her dreams are different from what mine would have been for her, but it’s not my life is it?</p>
<p>You might be able to push a little or “enforce certain standards.” My success with this approach was minimal. Laying out opportunities, such as private music lessons and performance groups, can help. But I really believe the success depends on the kid. My older D was just not interested. The younger D took advantage of every opportunity - and wore us out in the process.</p>