<p>"I suppose I could point at my watch and then throw it at them, but how would I make the point of using too much time for EC’s ? throw the wall clock? push the grandfather clock over on them? "</p>
<p>There are laws against this Opie. More’s the pity.</p>
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Part of the problem may be she’s at the age where she’s learning to exert control over her life. Younger kids have comparatively little control over their lives and live more in the present. Just as we wouldn’t expect a kid who’s never ridden a bike to learn without a few skinned knees, what you’re going thru is the bumps and bruises of learning to handle her life. And while I don’t doubt her actions are immature and short-sighted, I hope your D doesn’t think thats how you’d describe her. Far better, IMHO, to see her as a learner who’s making mistakes and frustrated by them than a permanently immature child.</p>
<p>Another issue might be the process of talking it over itself, which is a verbal approach. Kids have different preferred learning styles, your D may be more of a visual learner than a verbal learner. One way to work with a visual learner would be to sketch out a time-plan for her week showing time for school, sports, sleep, TV, friends, homework, etc. Fill in a chart with estimates for these activities and she might see there’s not enough time for it all! A few charts can help her explore different options (eg. “what if I drop this class?”), and you’ll probably want to tweak them over a few days or even weeks as she thinks about things. It’s important to tell her that this is just another planning tool; if she feels you’re trying to get her to make set-in-stone committments she’s likely to push back. The charts are hers to keep, even throw away if that’s what she wants.
Well, maybe your D is actually quite prescient! Harvard researcher Daniel Gilbert recently published the book “Stumbling on Happiness” and the amazon.com review by Malcolm Gladwell says
So maybe you might want to refine your approach a bit. Instead of asking her to predict what she will enjoy, why not encourage her to sample some activities to see how she likes them? At 14 she’s at an age where its perfectly common for kids to experiment (not always in way’s we approve!) so why not work with this inclination to help her discover what she likes instead of asking her to predict them?
Actually, yes. A good body of research has shown that what separates those at the top of many fields, from chess champions to athletes, from the rest of the field is dedication and hard work.
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<p>I figure it’s somewhat of a testimonial that it is me, the mom unit, reading information on College Confidential rather than my smart, talented, but low motivated daughter who is entering her senior year in high school this fall. Having found this thread has made me feel MUCH better, insofar as knowing I’m not alone in the world, that there can be worse things, that kids’ frontal lobes don’t fully mature until their 20’s etc., etc. My thanks to theGFC for starting this thread. For the record, I think YOU AND I were separated at birth!</p>
<p>Here’s hoping we survive and she gets into college realizing what she CAN do rather than just what she HAS to do!</p>
<p>I wasn’t on this site when it was most active, but I find much to reply to now.</p>
<p>First, I wonder if ADD or some low level depression is the underlying cause. I say this because OP said out bursts come the night before a test. She may not feel she can excel but she can’t give up honors classes because she’s always thought of herself as a bright person and giving up this self-image would be too painful. Unlike the other posters who advise relaxing and easing up, this sounds to me as something that needs attention, perhaps professional attention. Perhaps her standards for herself are so high that she can only fail and avoidance becomes the strategy.</p>
<p>I faced something like this with my D when she was fifteen. She was fully aware that her future rested on her shoulders – that is what was freaking her out. She was getting discouraged in dance, her chosen EC (point parts going to others) and a 72 on a Math Regents (NYS) was the final straw. She said, Maybe I’m not that bright." But this was said with terror. Her math teacher point blank said she could retake Regents in August (did not represent her ability). We look for therapy. One therapist had her meditating (for test anxiety). Pointless. Another said I had unrealistic expectations of her – mabe a C- was all she could do in math. This incensed her. Finally, someone diagnosed her with depression. (I would not have guessed.) A short course of an antidepressant (stopped after two months) and a discussion of these self-esteem issues worked wonders. She retook the Regents and got a 96. She went on to pass the AP Calc. + AP Bio AP’s (3’s)(plus scoring 4s and 5’s on all English and history AP’s. She scored 2130 on SAT’s and is doing very well after two years at Barnard. It could have gone differently.</p>
<p>Social Issue: Sad to say, all that might work would be to change schools so she meets a different crowd. My D was also always IMing, but they were talking about papers and Calculus problems!</p>
<p>Maybe D could invite a friend from one of her honors classes over to work on homework together once a week? It might encourage her to find a more academicaly motivated crowd and make the work itself a bit more interesting.</p>