<p>If he doesn’t hate it and isn’t asking to leave, I’d just chalk up his comments to teen venting, and I wouldn’t take further action. Sometimes teens and even adults complain about things that they really enjoy. They may do this to try to emphasize that they’re participating in something that’s challenging.</p>
<p>Younger kids do a lot of activities, and they are usually for 1 hour a week. As they get older, each EC’s demand gets higher. At some point each kid needs to decide which EC he is going to focus on. At my daughter’s ballet school, 10-12 is when they lose most of their dancers. Your son appears to be quite over scheduled already. Does he like his other ECs? I would have a discussion with him about what he likes or dislike of his ECs and then go from there.</p>
<p>I am not one to pull my kids out the minute they complain about their activities. To be good at anything it takes a lot of hard work. There is not one kid out that doesn’t get discouraged when they hit a road block. My kids have complained about playing violin, piano and ballet. It’s usually when they are at a point when they are ready to move up to the next plateau - they couldn’t master a certain movement or their fingers are not able to hit certain keys or rhythm. There has been many tears shed over “I just can’t do this.” I don’t usually encourage them to quit then, I like them to work it through. D2 quit violin after 7 years of playing because she wanted to focus more on piano. I made D1 take weekly piano lessons until she graduated from high school. I never made her practice or compete. I thought it was important for her to have some sort of music training, part of her overall education.</p>
<p>I have many friends (relatives too) who never “pushed” their kids to do anything. Their kids were just as happy to sit home after school to watch Oprah or play video games. Taking college process aside, it is a shame not to expose one’s kids to music, sports, art, language at an age when they are best able to learn. Learning a language or a new musical instrument as an adult is just not as easy. It is a balancing act between what’s too little and what’s too much. But more often than not, I see too many parents and kids giving up with a first sign of obstacle.</p>
<p>Well, I can see somewhat being on the fence then as he is not begging to quit. And as I wrote before, there is truth to your feeling that he may enjoy it more now that he’ll be more proficient at it than last year. So, I could see encouraging him to wait and see a little longer before dropping it. Then again, the requirement for outside practice time is gonna increase and you have the after school schedule conflicts with sports. I gather he is only doing sax in band but without lessons? When my kids were in band all those years, they also were in private lessons on their band instrument (as well as taking piano lessons). I don’t know if you can fit this in but lessons on the sax might also help (our band instrument private lessons were during the school day). In any case, I don’t know if your school has jazz band or if they ever have a guitar player in it but that may be an option for him either this year or in high school. Another option if he plays guitar is to also pick up bass and see if he can be in jazz band on that instrument. It is a lot of work to study two instruments (my kids did all the way through school) and so again, the fact that your son is studying guitar has him have a foot in music even if he gives up sax and band.</p>
<p>oldfort, while I agree with much that you wrote, I think the situation with Sally’s son is not the same as letting a kid quit and he sits on the couch. Her son is already very involved in ECs and even on another instrument as well. At around 8th grade, my experience is that the commitments per activity ratchet up in hours and sometimes, kids have to start picking and choosing. Perhaps Sally’s son is simply picking. Then again, it is a little fuzzy in his case as he is not begging to quit and so it may be worth his sticking to it a little longer before making his decision and then decide prior to ninth grade if he wants to stay in band or not.</p>
<p>No, what I wrote about kids quiting too early sometimes is not directed at Sally’s son. It was more of a general statement of what I have observed with parents/kids around me. I think Sally’s challenge maybe trying to decide which EC to eliminate for her son.</p>
<p>Oldfort, thanks for clarification. I do agree that there are kids who are not involved in anything, which is not good. Sorry to have mixed up what you wrote with Sally’s son’s situation.</p>
<p>The only thing we forced our kids to do when they were little was to play a sport. We didn’t care which one or ones, team or solo, but we wanted them active. Ds1 played two for years and settled on one in middle school and still plays in HS; ds2 played three all through elementary; he dropped one and picked up two more in middle school! In HS, ds2 will play two.</p>
<p>We’ve had two different experiences with the two different kids when it comes to dropping activities.</p>
<p>Ds1 was in Scouts beginning in first or second grade. By the time eighth grade rolled around, Scouts was taking a back seat to everything else. His dad and I finally sat down with him and said, “Look, it won’t hurt our feelings if you quit Scouts. It’s constantly on the losing end of all your activities, and it’s not fair to your patrol and troop to consistently put them last.” Well, he didn’t quit (which, truthfully, would have been my first choice!). Instead he totally recommitted to Scouts and last spring became an Eagle. I’m now so glad he didn’t quit.</p>
<p>Ds2 wanted to be in band in sixth grade so we happily said OK, but he said very early on that he didn’t want to do marching band in HS. I thought he’d change his mind. We went to the night where the middle school band members shadow the HS band, and he loved it but still said he didn’t want to do HS band. So I told him that if this wasn’t going to be a long-term commitment that he should just quit after seventh grade so that he could take lots of cool electives in eighth grade rather than continue to spend two periods on band when it’s something that he doesn’t see himself continuing to do. He did drop it. I kind of regret it because I think he would have loved HS band. He kind of regrets it now, too. I even gave him the option just two weeks ago of joining the band. (A band mom reassured me that the band director, who I know and love, would welcome him with open arms). He was first chair at one point but now thinks he’d be too rusty. I have a feeling if I really push it he’d do it, but I want him to own his choices, so I won’t.</p>
<p>I say it sounds like your ds has lots of other stuff going on, but only you can judge whether he’s just grousing a little or is truly miserable. It doesn’t sound like he’s miserable. I’d let it ride a bit and see how the semester goes along.</p>
<p>Would not force, but would delicately nudge. Your son doesn’t seem as if he even wants to quit. He just wants to complain. So let him.</p>
<p>He may even want you to be the cheering section for the sax. </p>
<p>Charlie Parker, anyone?</p>
<p>If, and when, the time comes that he really wants to quit, then I agree with most other posters to allow it.</p>
<p>Music is to enhance life.</p>
<p>An alternate suggestion at that time is to join chorus. No outside of school practice is usually required.</p>
<p>FWIW: I tried unsuccessfully to get my S to play a sport, any sport. He’s a junior in college. That ship has sailed. He’s slim, fit and fine. Still, sports have many positive results. He is also at a school that some consider a jock school and is still comfortable with his sports boycott. He does play three instruments, plays in the school orchestra and sings in the chorus.</p>
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<p>This is an age old parenting question with no easy one-size-fits all answers.</p>
<p>When/if to allow a child to quit is often not an easy question. Personally, I don’t think parents should make it easy to quit. Kids are notorious whiners. Some will whine about everything, even if they enjoy it.
There are many factors to look at - is he just whining? have all his friends quit band? it’s early in the year, could it get better?
These are questions (and others) that you and he will have to answer.
There are many reasons to continue - it does build character. Learning not to quit, being a part of a “team” and working on improvement are all great skills to have.</p>
<p>Maybe you should go to the high school forum and ask if anyone quit activities that they wish their parents had encouraged them to continue.</p>
<p>SR’s son in middle school? Grrrrk. Time is not passing that fast, it’s not, it’s not, I won’t hear of it, it’s not.</p>
<p>We had a similar situation with our son who is now a senior in high school. He started playing alto sax in 4th or 5th grade and was very good, in fact, making first chair when he was in middle school. I loved to listen to him practice at home and wished I had taped it. But in the middle of 7th grade, he lost interest and practicing each day (required 30 minutes) became a power struggle. He didn’t want to practice and yet it was required to turn in a practice sheet each week.</p>
<p>We let him stop even though we were very disappointed. It is especially difficult to let a child give up an activity in which he/she is particularly talented. But I don’t think you should force an extra curricular activity, especially when your son has a lot of other things going on, as did our son. </p>
<p>I also noted that at about the time of 7th grade, kids start asserting themselves about what they don’t want to do anymore. I noticed a jump in my son’s assertiveness then and then again junior year in high school. They are making up their own minds and with some things, they should be allowed to.</p>
<p>Every time I made (or coerced) my kids to stick with an activity they had tired of, to “help them over the rough spot”, the only thing that happened was it delayed the inevitable. Nothing good came of it, for them or for me, except perhaps that they don’t guilt-trip me about those things the way the zooserkids perhaps do to their mother.</p>
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<p>He loves his other EC’s, and–at least until now–I didn’t feel he was over-scheduled because he still seemed to have a lot of down time and spent many hours playing outside with the neighborhood kids. (Remember … on the elementary and middle-school level, most of these undertakings aren’t all that time-consuming. A number of my son’s friends play more than one sport in a season, which we have never endorsed in this family.) And also, until recently, I didn’t view band as an “EC.” I saw it as more of a school subject since it largely took place during the school day (and just two or three periods per week, depending on the week). Now, however, it seems to be falling into more of a gray area between school subject and “activity.”</p>
<p>My issue isn’t so much about structured time vs. unstructured time. I feel we have a decent handle on that … at least for the moment. It’s really about parental pushing … i.e., when is it appropriate for parents to say, “This is good for you, whether you know it or not!”? … a sort of adolescent version of “Eat your broccoli.”</p>
<p>Sally, I think the “this is good for you” pertains to required academic subjects but I think once exposed to certain electives or EC endeavors, a kid should be able to choose which to do. He gave it a try and if he truly dislikes it, he can plan something else. Right now, I am not sure if he is ready to quit and it is worth one more year and after this, he will be having to make some choices as high school nears too. </p>
<p>Does your school have jazz band? I really see that as an alternative for your son with guitar down the line. </p>
<p>I know Band is a class during school but not only did you say there are some afterschool hours required this year that may conflict with sports but doesn’t he have to practice also at home? In that way, it is kinda EC (or I guess you could call that homework). But I also was assuming he was taking lessons on sax and that was part of my kids doing band…private lessons on the band instrument. </p>
<p>My general sentiment is to not make him do band but if it is just a matter of some encouragement, it may be worth not making a change just yet. But if he really asks to drop band, I’d go with that given what else he is doing. Are band and chorus the only things offered during that period other than study hall? That aspect might be an issue for me that he actually is taking some sort of elective. Is he at all interested in chorus? I know he acts.</p>
<p>In that case, I say there are lots of things that are good for you. You can say “Eat your broccoli” and “Eat your carrots” and “Eat your peas” and “Eat your brussel sprouts.” And every meal can be contentious. I say choose your battles. I do say “Eat your broccoli and carrots,” but I don’t make them eat their peas and brussel sprouts. Blech. I hate peas and brussel sprouts myself.</p>
<p>If band if a non-negotiable then make him stay with it. But not everything can be a non-negotiable. Your ds is reaching an age where he should have some choice, but it’s OK to say you need to be involved in SOME EC. I would, personally, just let him choose.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that if Band is replaced by “study hall” this doesn’t necessarily mean studying will get done.
When my kids were in middle school, “study hall” was mostly useless. Useful for a few kids who needed extra help or needed a make up test but then they could get out of Band or chorus for that. Otherwise it was a big timefiller.</p>
<p>Only you can decide if he is “over-scheduled”. My girls did a lot of stuff in middle school - sports each season, band, jazz band, CCD, private lessons etc. Some days they were very busy running from one thing to another but they did learn excellent time management skills.</p>
<p>JustAMom, my kids did all those activities at that age too and yes, it helps with time management. I don’t think Sally’s son is over scheduled and I agree, it is certainly doable. The way I view it is merely the issue of whether he wants to do this particular EC and I am not into making a kid do an EC, but think they should choose which ones they do. I can see a bit of an issue, however, as to what else he might do during this period in his schedule as it is a school period of the day.</p>
<p>Sally, you need to get a handle on which type of kid you have. I had one who needed a whole lot of down time to be successful- staring out a window, lying on a couch with a book across his face, kicking piles of leaves. Kid was plenty active and a strong student, but when there wasn’t enough time to let the brain percolate on its own, it wasn’t good. Had another kid who thrived on pushing time management to its limits (not as much as Soozie’s kids but the same idea.) Don’t know when the brain cells rejuvenated themselves, but somehow it all got done.</p>
<p>In retrospect… now that both of these kids are high functioning adults, I’d say it’s good to encourage the kid who thrives on activity to stick with something to smooth over the rough patches. You’ll know soon enough if it’s really time to quit, but you’ve provided some assistance and support in case it’s just a temporary thing. If this is a kid who really needs some mental space during the week, then quitting band for study hall is probably the right call. He may need you now to help him put some limits on how much time during the day he’s willing to have his brain engaged.</p>
<p>Just my two cents. agree 100% with Soozie that EC’s should be things the kids want to do-- kids have to get their teeth cleaned and have a TB test and call grandma on her birthday-- these are in the “because I’m the Mom” category. But playing in a band or cheerleading or horseback riding or handing out magazines in a nursing home-- I just don’t think you can mandate that to a kid without it seriously back-firing.</p>
<p>DON’T DO IT!!</p>
<p>My parents pushed me into Drawing, Piano, Saxophone, Writing, Swimming and Taekwondo classes. My childhood was a nightmare.</p>
<p>I insisted on D1 to take piano lesson until she was 18. She played beautifully. There was no pressure of having her to perform or to compete. She wanted to stop because there were other things she rather be doing. I don’t regret in doing it. I think she will thank me when she is older.</p>