<p>My S also played the sax and then quit (in seventh grade)…but eventually picked up another instrument in high school which, as it turned out, he was much better at. It’s never too late, really. Maybe he won’t be a virtuoso that way, but maybe he wouldn’t be anyway. Let him find what he loves; it will happen…trust me!</p>
<p>TheNewHans above illustrates why it’s important to pick your battles.</p>
<p>Read this whole thread and lost track of which poster mentioned coming up with a parenting approach for deciding when and how to give up activities, but that’s really what Sally is asking about and it’s a great subject for a thread. </p>
<p>It is so hard to see how the arc of your child’s life will play out when he is only 12. This thread is full of useful advice.</p>
<p>Now that I’ve just sent my oldest off to college I’m filled with thoughts about things I wish I had pushed him to pursue a little longer because this summer he’s expressed a new interest in some of them, like riding, rowing, sailing, singing and acting. I’ve encouraged him to look for opportunities to pursue some of these re-found interests at college and since he is fortunate enough to be at a great school with lots of activities, he’s plunging right in there. </p>
<p>But if we had not pushed him to pursue those and other activities in the critical middle school years and actively discouraged him from quitting too many of the ones we knew he could continue in HS if he wanted, his HS years might have been empty. Instead, by mid-HS he could see that part of what distinguished him from some of his less successful classmates was his ability to stick with ECs and work to achieve excellence in them, even if the natural talent was a little lacking. Now both our children scoff at parents who they think let their children quit too easily and at their kids for whining. I think psychologists call the trait “persistent striving” and it is certainly what we are all hoping to see in our children.</p>
<p>So here’s how some of the MS choices have played out for our children in HS and beyond:</p>
<p>Our son stopped trumpet for the first two years of HS because of his braces, but because he had played enough and at a high enough level in MS, he was able to rejoin band for the final two years of HS. Band, as an unweighted subject, lowered his over 4.0 GPA and hurt his class rank, but he just liked it, for the music and the socializing. So Sally might want to think about making sure her son plays enough to preserve that option for later. </p>
<p>Our daughter was an able percussionist but really wanted to pursue art in HS, so for now we letting her take art classes instead. Maybe she will rediscover band during HS, too. Both children started outside guitar lessons in MS and continue that. </p>
<p>Sally might want to talk with her son about which activities he is likely to want to pursue more mastery of in HS, where the level of many ECS steps up. There is something to be said for pursuing mastery of any EC but you do have to get started somewhere. </p>
<p>All through his MS years our son wanted to quit summer swimming and golf. Tennis he was okay with. Finally, we let him drop golf in 8th grade (mistake I regret) but not swimming. He had never showed any particular talent for the pool but the team was fun for him. Once in HS he realized he wanted to do more “guy” stuff like sports teams and so joined the brutal HS swim team because he knew how to do that sport. He loved it and eventually spent two years as captain and went to state for his last three years.</p>
<p>At our house we evaluated activities based on what they contribute to a child’s education and development and whether they are likely to be pursued enjoyably in adulthood. Music in some form qualifies (although Sally’s son may be more likely to continue with lifetime guitar than a band instrument) as does art, acting and many sports. And now that we’ve been through the college app process, we know that schools, like employers, are looking for people who do not quit, who stick with their activities and achieve some mastery in them. If Sally discusses the choices with her son in these terms, they can work together to find the set that works best for him in HS and beyond.</p>
<p>We’ve had this battle at our house several several times. Kids have multiple EC’s - both play one sport each season and have at least one (more likely 2) music ECs throughout the year. They are also involved in other ECs (boy scouts, DI etc). Schedule is often very tight - it’s very rare for them to have a day with no EC!</p>
<p>Both play the piano - have been playing for several years. D is a junior year and could possibly get a high school diploma in music if she continues to play the piano for the next two years. Will she? That’s the big question - I don’t see the commitment to practice as is needed at this level. It’s usually one of the last things on her list. But she gets very upset/defensive if I suggest quitting. I am torn as well - she’s put in such a large time/effort into this, that I’d like to see her continue for the next 2 years. But it doesn’t appear like she is enjoying herself. She’d very willingly pick up the violin or the guitar and strum out a song for fun/relaxation.</p>
<p>The conversation is still going on home …I don’t think there’s a good answer to this one.</p>
<p>“My parents pushed me into writing”? Did your parents push you into reading and math too?</p>
<p>Some parents do feel very strongly that their kids should be able to swim. Yes, they will insist on swim lessons whether their kids want to do it or not. </p>
<p>I grew up with parents who believed other than schoolwork nothing really mattered. It was a battle for me to have them allow me to take time out to learn how to play violin. My violin teacher practically gave me lessons for free. I loved to draw, got into an art school, but was not allow to pursue because it was a waste of time in my parents’ eyes.</p>
<p>Maybe today’s kids are given too much. They don’t appreciate the kind of opportunities they are given. There is another thread about why we spoil our kids. I don’t feel my kids are spoiled because they appreciate what’s given to them. When they don’t, we have no problem in reminding them.</p>
<p>If my kids felt like TheNewHans, I would have no problem in stopping every EC they were doing. It would save me a lot of time and money. I am sure his/her parents just loved sitting outside of those classrooms for hours at a time to create a nightmarish childhood for him/her.</p>
<p>Let him quit. He already has a very busy schedule, so that’s not a concern. More than that, I have found that everytime my son dropped something, he found something he liked better to fill that space.</p>
<p>I think with our S, who’s a HS senior this year, it was all about balance. Balance among the ECs and schoolwork, and provision for some amount of “down time.” It was this last where some debate ensued on occasion, since we as parents never quite understood the time he spent on the online game “Warcraft.” </p>
<p>Just two days ago, my S said, "Sam (his friend, a junior) and I were just talking about how silly it was that we wasted so much time playing “Warcraft.” This time wasting occuring primarily in MS and the first year in HS. But OMG, they already know they could have been doing something better. But all is not lost.</p>
<p>Now, these two tight friends are on the varsity water polo and swim teams, taking oodles of AP classes or dual enrollment/online college level classes, helping out as peer tutors. S is also doing Mock Trial (since MS days) and his friend is with the Y’s Youth in Government. S has taken private piano lessons since first grade, and has in the last two years done some modest composing and garage band activities with other friends.</p>
<p>Around 8th grade my DS sat DH and I down and said that he decided that he was was doing too much and was going to drop down to three main ECs… one could be my choice, one his dad’s choice, and one his. He’s now in college and still thinks that it was a great approach and is glad that he stuck with the choices that his dad and I made. (I chose band, btw.)</p>
<p>Your know your child better than anyone. Our S showed no interest in sports (he was in baseball and basketball until jr. high and then quit.) My H and I were so frustrated thinking he would get “lost” in HS if he didn’t become involved in a school activity. He had always been a “closet musician” - naturally talented so we “chose” band for him. He had one year to try it out and then he could move on to something else and he stuck with it. He’s a senior now and planning to minor in music. I can’t take credit for his success in music, but for S, who’s always been a little shy about his own talent, a nudge was needed. </p>
<p>His English teacher saw me on campus in his soph. year and said he had been trying to get S to join the newspaper staff. When I mentioned it to S, he said, “Yeah, he’s been asking me…so I’m going to try it out.” He’s now an editor. </p>
<p>I’ve always believed that “you’ll never know until you try!”</p>
<p>Please, if your son/daughter is in an activity in high school that they hate, let them quit. I was forced to do marching band/concert band through my junior year and I regret every moment of it. I didn’t gain anything out of it. All it did was stress me out because the activities that I DID want to do (swimming, FCA, SGA, NHS, AP classes, track, etc.) were compromised and suffered as a result. It was frustrating for me, my swim coach, my band director, and even my parents. I had to run from one place to the other all the time, and until I got a car, my parents had to taxi me from one place to the other. </p>
<p>The problem was that I was really good at marching band. I was first chair all three years, first chair in the county my sophomore year, had a solo at state festival, etc. but I had absolutely no passion for it. My family was big into band, and I suggested quitting my sophomore year, but my aunts almost passed out because of what I said. I was the first child to go through high school in my family for over 20 years, they wanted to see me be a drum major, etc.</p>
<p>I still tell my parents that I’m mad at them for making me do that. They still haven’t apologized for that (or any of their other major mistakes). Once they let me quit senior year, my life was MUCH improved. Even they noticed how much happier I was. I swim at college now, my true passion. Anytime marching band is brought up, I still cringe.</p>
<p>The worst part was actually quitting though. My parents, band director, everyone begged me to try to find a way to balance it with everything else I wanted to do, but I couldn’t, especially since I was going to be NHS president and captain of the swim team. I had dreams ALL SUMMER about band, and it was the worst thing ever. I would dream that I was still there, playing my instrument, only to realize that I could get out. I woke up in sweats a couple times.</p>
<p>Both my boys started band in 5th grade and were ready to quit by eighth grade. We let them. Both were much happier (and so was I) when I didn’t harp on them anymore about practicing their instrument. Let him quit.</p>
<p>“I am sure his/her parents just loved sitting outside of those classrooms for hours at a time to create a nightmarish childhood for him/her.”</p>
<p>Yes I think it’s mostly my fault because I never dared to tell him how I felt. And now I turned into a complete garbage who is not good at anything(Look at my posts, can you tell I had 3 years of writing classes?). </p>
<p>But my point is if your son doesn’t want to do something, don’t make him do it. :)</p>
<p>Both of my older kids went through a stage with their intrument where they wanted to quit. This happened after the novelty had worn off, but before they were skilled enough to play what they really wanted to be able to play. But I went to the music store and got them a book with easy music that was way cooler than what they had for school lessons, and that was a helpful motivator. I insisted that they stick it out past that slump. They ended up becoming proficient and found it enjoyable. They especially liked the jazz band experience. Both were very involved in athletics and other EC’s, though, so they both quit band after playing 2 years in high school. I thought that was reasonable.</p>
<p>Your son’s case is different because he already plays an instrument. Also, I agree that he seems busy enough. Did he experience a slump period with his guitar too? If so, you might remind him of that and suggest he stick this out a little longer. But if he still wants to quit, then let him.</p>
<p>The case with</p>
<p>My kids all did summer swim team for years & years, one DD was quite talented and I took her to the year round higher league team not one fall, but two or three. Recently, in her mid 20s, she told me she never really had the confidence that she was that good, but in retrospect wondered what she could have done if she’d stuck with it :eek: How many days I drove 30 minutes plus each way and sat through a 2 hour practice, even in the snow in an outdoor pool and she just never wanted to do it, yet now she wishes she had. Wow, it was so arduous in terms of time and physical effort, meets 1-2-3 hours away lasting all weekend, how could I ‘make’ her if she had given it a fair shot and said. ‘no thanks’ ?</p>
<p>Another kid was on a high level sport team and we had until the 10th of the month to pay dues, nearly every month for about a year she would whine from the 11th-25th that she did not want to go! She stuck with it for 5-6 years, but did have a year or so where her interest really waxed and waned, but she is glad she stuck it out.</p>
<p>I have kids who wish I’d made them stay in dance or piano and kids who are grateful I let them quit other sports. For all sport commitments it was a finish the season commitment, then nothing further required.</p>
<p>We had one DD who spent a long time working towards her varsity sport, travel team, club team, etc, but in the first week of senior year when the coach crossed the line (her line) with one too many mind games, she quit. It was a difficult decision to support because, my gosh, it was her senior year, varsity season, the coach had worked with her for 2-3 years year round, but on the other hand, he did play mind games and there had been way too many tears shed. In hindsight it was the right choice because it was not a random, “I don’t want to do this any more” but rather it was," " I will not be treated this way even one more day"</p>
<p>I’m currently a high school student, but I saw this thread on the front page, and thought that I should respond. </p>
<p>I played piano for six years before I quit. I believe I was around twelve years old when I quit. As a twelve-year old, my perspective was much different than it is now. I did not want to practice piano for ~1-2 hours every day.</p>
<p>It’s a choice I definitely regret as a sixteen - year old. Sometimes I still try to play, but I’m obviously rusty and don’t have the time to learn again. My parents encouraged me not to quit, but I quit anyway at the time.</p>
<p>This is an anecdote. I’m not trying to encourage parents to force decisions upon their kids (I strongly believe that giving kids a good measure of free will is important).</p>
<p>Quitting piano opened up other pathways for me. I started to read more, and I’m currently interested in a career as a writer. I also focused on sports, and I made XC varsity as a sophomore (XC has been a huge, huge part of my life. The team is like my family, and the support + stress relief it offers is great).</p>
<p>However, I still wish sometimes that I had not dropped piano. This is not a regret purely in shades of black. I believe that things would have been different if I had continued piano. I might not have developed my interest in reading, or running.</p>
<p>I think parents should offer strong advice for their children. Remind them of how quitting / starting will affect them in the future. Also remind them that their current perspective is perhaps immature. However, I do NOT BELIEVE that parents should force decisions upon their children.</p>
<p>If my parents had forced me to continue playing piano at that time, I would have strongly disliked it. My dislike would have been reflected in my effort level, and my piano playing would probably have gone nowhere. My time was better spent pursuing activities that I wanted to pursue (reading, running). If you force your child to pursue something despite their dislike for it, do not expect them to get anywhere far. Personal motivation is key for success in any field.</p>
<p>Thanks for reading my post. I hope it helped.</p>
<p>When my kids chose their ECs - I encouraged them to do just one at a time- and to stick with it for a year.
However- in the case of the D who loved sports- she was on more than one sport a year- sometimes on more than one team at a time.
I also allowed one D to quit an EC, when it was clear that the new instructor ( for an ongoing EC), just wasn’t worth the stress.</p>
<p>I think it is reasonable to require a kid to try an activity and stick it out for the season (in the case of a sport) or for a year (in the case of an activity like band). However, if kids have to make a 2 year commitment anytime they want to try something (in the case of the OP’s son) you may find that your child won’t want to try new things lest they get ‘stuck’ in a long-term commitment. New and varied experiences are great at this age.</p>
<p>That being said, my son’s 5th grade band teacher was a bear: impatient, loud and sometimes unreasonable. Through all the tears we made him stick it out for the year, and he got used to his band teacher and played all through middle school.</p>
<p>He did not want to continue on in high school and we let him make his own decision.</p>
<p>Last minute he decided to join band; 4 years later he’s the Drumline Captain and has won many awards. Interestingly, his high school band director is quite similar: impatient, loud and sometimes unreasonable. Great life experience to learn how to deal with all kinds of teachers/superiors.</p>
<p>I remember when my older daughter was in 7th grade she wanted to stop her instrument of 6 years. It was hard to do because she was very good. After a few months I realized it was the right thing to do - she need to be on a sport. This kid needs to get outside everyday, even now. Later in high school she picked it up again (summers only) and has taken lessons in college.</p>
<p>At the time I spoke with an instructor and also a dance teacher who both said the middle school years are ones where a lot of kids switch activities. I wonder if they are trying to figure out what activities they do because they like them, versus do them because it is something that they had started as a kid and never really thought about.</p>
<p>We are debating how to support our kids in choosing among many EC’s. That is a useful discussion.</p>
<p>However, as several people have mentioned, the important thing is that a kid HAVE activities to stay busy with, which doesn’t sound like a problem with the OP’s kid, or anyone else on this board. 
</p>
<p>That was the biggest obvious difference I could see with kids who consistently got in trouble in school: they didn’t have anything to do after school but get in trouble.</p>
<p>Don’t push - you never know what doors they may open given the time and opportunity…</p>