You just found out your son/daughter is gay...

Parent Cafe
181

<p>Morrismm, I don’t go around wearing a scarlet “T,” but I certainly haven’t tried to be coy about my history. It isn’t a secret around here, and I’ve mentioned or alluded to it more than I do in my real life (where most people I interact with have no idea, and it never comes up with the rest). But I didn’t think it was particularly relevant to the topic of this thread and saw no reason to bring it up. </p>

<p>If you’re suggesting that my accepting reaction to learning my son was gay (a couple of years before I came out to him as trans) was “skewed” by the fact that I’m transsexual, I’d have to disagree with you. (Even apart from the fact that “skewed” is something of a loaded term, and implies – at least to me – a deviation of some kind from what’s “normal.”) Yes, I know what it’s like when you’re growing up to feel different, and always to feel like an outsider, and to have a secret. So maybe I could empathize with him more than some other parents would have been able to do, at least in a general sense. (Although being gay is not the same thing as being trans, and I never was, or identified as, a gay man myself. Conversely, my son’s gender identity is securely male.)</p>

<p>But my being trans didn’t make me any more accepting of his being gay, I think, than I would have been if I hadn’t been trans. If anything, I think being trans made it <em>more</em> difficult for me, because I’m <em>more</em> acutely aware than most of what it’s like to be different, and how much more difficult life can be if you’re L, G. B, or T. All I ever wanted was for my son to be happy, and have the easiest life possible, after all. In addition, I think it was more difficult for me because I couldn’t help wondering if I was somehow genetically responsible; if it was just a coincidence or he somehow “got it” from me, even though, as I said, they’re two different things. (Being accused by my ex of “influencing” him didn’t help with that, as far from the truth as that was.) </p>

<p>Anyway, I really don’t think my acceptance of my son should be discounted, or invalidated, or considered “skewed,” because of who I am.</p>

182

<p>morrismm, I also posted that I had a fairly “uneventful” reaction to this information about my child. I personally am heterosexual, and have no other gay relatives that I am aware of. I am, as many others also are on this thread, a strong supporter of equality for the GLBT community, and have been for years before every finding this out because I think it is the morally right way to treat other human beings. </p>

<p>I don’t think my reaction is in any way less honest (and am not sure you were saying it was) than those who have had a harder time adjusting. I have often been thankful that I (and my ex-H – ought to post this over on the thread about good things about spouses, even though he is my ex!) were truly past any prejudices we may have had in the past on this issue by the time we received this information. Guess this was a real test… Both ex-H and I come from a very conservative home town, so it isn’t like there wasn’t some work to do there many years ago. But I guess we had done it by the time we learned this information about our child.</p>

<p>That doesn’t mean this does not cause me any concerns. I worry about how others may treat her. And just about some of the mundane things, like how a college roommate might react. And stepping back and allowing her to go at her own speed in her decisions about how and when to reveal this information to others. But like everyone else out here, I just want my kid to be happy. And I know that can’t happen if the people she is closest to in the whole world, her parents and sister, can’t fully accept her as she is. So I honestly can say that I have not shed a single tear or had a sleepless night over this, but that does not make it a dishonest reaction in any way.</p>

183

<p>I think, like most on here, I would (hypothetically) be very accepting, fully wanting to accept, that my child is gay. I want to be the parent with open arms, and be true to what I’ve always said, which is I would unconditionally love my kids no matter what (and I’ve overtly conveyed it would be okay with me if they discovered they were gay, so they would feel comfortable if they turned out to be). </p>

<p>But I reading those who have actually walked the walk, I also realize that, like most things, it may be more or not more complicated that the hypothetical. Our ideal self is not always our realized self. Who knows how any of us will react? We don’t know our feelings and thoughts until we are faced with them. I really appreciate those who are able to honestly talk about the challenges (or non-challenges!) of coming to terms with news that their kids are gay.</p>

<p>Nor is there anything wrong with using a new screen name to talk about your kid (regardless of issue). I have been pretty revealing about who I am on here…one could easily figure my real identity if they cared so much. I assume no one does, but if they do, so be it, I’m fine about who I am. But I draw the line with my kids, so I try to avoid talking about them under this screen name. They are entitled to privacy, even if its just sharing with you all their scores, or their thoughts about summer.</p>

184

<p>My son got a BFA. Lots of gays in this field. He working in the performing arts, where again, gay, bi are really the norm. Though he has a steady girlfriend, has never given an indication that he is gay, has discussed homosexuality in terms of others, that he spends most of his time in an environment where sexuality is not restricted to the opposite sex or the same sex at any given time, means that the subject comes up at times. People have asked me right out what I would say, do, think if my son should say he is gay.</p>

<p>I would not be happy about it. Nothing to do with love. I would be afraid for him. I would be afraid of all of the prejudices, problems, issues, pains that come with that package. As I would worry about anything that has a slew of new issues that comes on the scene. </p>

<p>Several parents I know have had the shock of their children telling them that they are having a same sex intimate relationship without making the commitment of being gay. There appears to be a movement towards homosexual relationships joining the spectrum of other sexual practices to the point that being gay may have a temporal element to it.</p>

185

<p>My oldest son is gay and it is a non-issue. I look forward to the day when this is not even a post. That will happen once the marriage for gays is leaglized.</p>

186

<p>

</p>

<p>It was for me. In our home, in our belief system, homosexuality is just as normal and natural as heterosexuality. As I’ve said before, my expectations and dreams for my son have not changed. </p>

<p>The part that made it painful was the discrimination we knew he’d face and that is not a small matter.</p>

<p>Also, my son reads my posts here and loves that, just like in the rest of my life, I am standing firm for gay and lesbian rights.</p>

187

<p>

</p>

<p>Temporal? Their kids are bi-sexual. That happens too.</p>

188

<p>I admit, I am not out to my parents (I am bi). Honestly, I just don’t have the guts to tell them. My parents are both semi-supportive of gay people and gay rights (I finally got them to support same-sex marriage) but they are both pretty skeptical about bisexuality. So, I haven’t told them. My mom is in especially frail health and it has just never really seemed the “right” time. Plus, I am happily engaged to a man, so I think I’m going to at least wait until my mom is in stable health before I potentially give her a heart attack. </p>

<p>If it were my kid, I would hope he/she wouldn’t have to wait until college to tell me. Both my fiance and I fall in the LGBT spectrum. I don’t know what my reaction would be because I’ve never reacted to anyone coming out before. It’s always just a “K… and?” kind of reaction. My best friend is bi (he’s a guy), another very close friend is undergoing a M-to-F gender reassignment, etc. I have more LGBT friends than I do straight friends. I am honestly now more surprised to find out my friends are straight than LGBT lol.</p>

189

<p>pugmadkate - thank you. If someone clearly as accepting as you are can read what I write and find me to be a good parent of a gay son, then I must be doing better than I thought.</p>

<p>AlwaysInterested - I think for people like you and me it’s hard. There are plenty of stories on the web about parents who condemn their gay kids. And, on the other side, plenty of people saying, “What? Why are you even upset?” Few people admitting to sorrow AND acceptance. So we start to feel that if we are sad we have failed as loving parents. We have to find out own way through this. I found that I had to to let my son know how I felt, because otherwise my true sorrow leaked through my facade of, “It’s OK!” in ways that were not good.</p>

<p>And I didn’t tell my ex because my son asked me not to. And then when my son did tell his dad, I never got even an email. So to this day I have exchanged not one word with my son’s dad about all this. I could initiate, but there are reasons not to. </p>

<p>In any case, you have my long distance anonymous empathy and support.</p>

190

<p>As a school psychologist, I have worked with a lot of parents. And over the years, I have found that many good people, good parents, grappled with all sorts of choices that their children make. It can be from something as seemingly unimportant as choosing swimming over wrestling, or basketball over violin, to more meaningful such as technical school over college. Parents often envision what their child will be, and when they go off in their own direction, their is often a time of private mourning. They love and respect their child, but at some level they are disappointed in their choice. </p>

<p>What I would hope is that this forum can be a way for good parents to offer their love and support to their child, but feel free to express their vulnerabilities. We are much better parents when we can be honest with ourselves and move on. We can admit our culpability, but rise to our better selves. </p>

<p>Some of us would be unfazed if our child told us he or she was gay. Some would be unfazed to find out that our child was no longer a christian but now embraced buddhism. Some would be unfazed to discover our child was a Republican. </p>

<p>But we all have things that would make us pause. For those for whom this is not an issue - that is wonderful. I hope some day one’s sexuality will be no more cause for discussion than eye color - and if that is true for you there is no reason for you to be cautious about what you say - you aren’t conveying any misgivings. But for those who are trying to be a good parent while they adjust to this new reality, their doubts would be hurtful to their child and they are doing their best NOT to say or do anything that would do them harm. </p>

<p>Long post for me. I just think it is so important that we all help one another on this journey of parenting. No one is immune to doubts.</p>

191

<p>Thank you for that very thoughtful post worknprogress!</p>

192

<p>I agree with starbright, thank you worknprogress. It is a process, parenting, a dialogue. I have not yet met the person who thought they did everything right and was correct in their assumption:).</p>

<p>I wanted to add, it’s possible that for those of us without religious conflicts - where it’s an issue across the genders - having a gay son is tougher to adjust to than having a gay daughter. Of course I don’t know, since I’ve only got the gay son. I base what is only a guess on the strong value America attaches to masculinity, and the fairly constrained playing area we allot for masculine personas. In a culture where John Wayne was idolized, it’s possible that gay men are harder to accept than gay women. Ellen DeGeneres marries Portia, pictures everywhere. Do we have equivalent gay male media stars who’s marriages are equally celebrated? </p>

<p>Just a thought.</p>

193

<p>This is a pretty timely thread, as I just came out to my mother. It went fairly well - not as well as the fabled descriptions on this board - but that’s because my mother has a habit of seeing only what she wants to see. It was interesting because she kept asking me how I knew. She wasn’t satisfied with my “just knew” and is, I think, convinced that I “think” I’m queer (by the way, we have recaptured that term, I’m told) because girls have approached me but not guys. Aiyee. Please do not ask your children “how they know.” How did you know you were straight?</p>

<p>Another issue with my mother is grandchildren, which strikes me as ironic. I absolutely loathe kids and admit this probably on a daily basis. I have no idea what makes my mom think if I were heterosexual I’d have kids!</p>

194

<p>worknprogress, I liked your post. But, perhaps inadvertently, you seem to be describing being gay as a “choice,” or at least to be analogizing being gay to “choices that . . . children make.”</p>

<p>I hope that isn’t how you actually look at it.</p>

195

<p>So I’ve been reading through this thread and thought I’d comment on bisexuality. I’m torn between considering myself bisexual or lesbian; I don’t think the labels and their connotations work perfectly. I consider myself 80/20 bisexual. That is, I strongly prefer women, but I would never rule out a relationship with a man or someone who is gender-in-transition (or after transition, even) - you never know when the right personality comes in the wrong body. I rotate between the terms “bisexual” and “lesbian.” I have taken a side but don’t like to rule out the other side. I guess I could be a “bicurious lesbian.” </p>

<p>Some people say that sexuality exists on a spectrum. I used to agree. However, I recently had an enlightening conversation on this. We all have different tastes. “Taste” doesn’t exist on a spectrum.</p>

196

<p>Not at all, Donna. I no longer work with young children, but it certainly confirmed in my mind that sexual orientation is NOT the result of upbringing. </p>

<p>I had some other examples in mind, but I was afraid of offending someone.</p>

197

<p>applicannot- I’m sending you a PM. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Not yet. Adam Lambert is the first openly gay mainstream music artist (who came out before he became big). Wait until he finds “the one”. He’s going to be the gay equivalent of Ellen IMO (if for nothing other than the fact that he is the only openly gay pop star).</p>

198

<p>*I admit, I am not out to my parents (I am bi). Honestly, I just don’t have the guts to tell them. *</p>

<p>Roman…I think you’ve said that you’re engaged. If so, then that would suggest to me that you’ve decided to be monogamous to your fiance/husband. If that is the case, what purpose would it serve telling your parents about being bi-sexual?</p>

199

<p>

</p>

<p>Neil Patrick Harris, maybe? He’s Barney on “How I Met Your Mother” and was also “Dr. Horrible.” Oh, and I think he hosted the last Tonys or Grammys.</p>

<p>A lot of straight guys seem to be titillated by lesbians, which doesn’t make much sense to me seeing as lesbians are not going to want to sleep with men, but whatever.</p>

200

<p>mom2collegekids, the engagement is why I haven’t told them.
The reason that I want to tell them is because my dad especially is sometimes openly homophobic around me. He always says it doesn’t concern him because no one in HIS family is LGBT. I want to scream all the time “YES! Someone is! Your daughter is!”</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Guys want the unobtainable? (Just a thought)</p>