<p>Through my involvement with a local charity I got to know a wondeful couple, together at least 50 years, these 2 gentleman were each self made men, very wealthy and very generous. They have hosted many events at their estate. One of these great men died last year and his survivng partner is so lonely. Even though they are gay, I think they lived the same conventional “married” type life many people lead. Maybe their wealth insulated them somewhat but I can’t imagine it was easy 50+ years ago. My son asked whether these men were married way back when he was in kindergarden, I was able to say men weren’t allowed to be married. He thought that was unfair, I am so glad we got to think about these things early on and his mind could be open when he was pretty young. My son has never come out to me as heterosexual, he has a gf so we just sort of assumed! I guess I’d like to think if he was gay he would have treated it just as casually with us.</p>
<p>funny my family had a heated debate on FB about this topic. My D posted sites and studies.
The problem is my friend is lovely, but was raised with very strict religious views. I think she would still love her child, but not accept the homosexuality. She regards it as morally wrong.
I wonder if the time will ever come when discussions like this will not be necessary? and parents wont have to worry that their children will not be happy, or accepted, or hurt? where ones sexuality is matter of fact but not important enough to discuss? not in my lifetime but it would be nice.</p>
<p>I’ve only skimmed through the responses and don’t know if I’m repeating something someone’s already written but I was flat out thrilled when my kid came out to me. I keep seeing statements along the lines of “it wouldn’t make a difference” and “I love them unconditionally” and even to the effect that this was known or suspected. But…was anyone else actually happy to hear this news?</p>
<p>This is my kid’s first relationship and she is head over heels in love. It’s a real growing experience for her and she’s truly happy in a way I haven’t seen before. To be honest, she seemed very young and very unready for a romantic/sexual relationship last year. What a huge step forward! It’s amazing to me that she’s become a young woman who is able to flourish in such a relationship and I’m thrilled and happy for her.</p>
<p>alwaysinterested, your son will still realize his dreams and live a wonderful life. Nothing’s changed about that. If it’s his desire, he can still make a family all his own, and I have faith that in his adulthood he will be allowed to legally marry. I understand your concerns, but most America’s simply will not stand by and see gay people abused. And anyone who hasn’t seen the light needs to be shown it. You must have an amazing relationship with your son and I can certainly see why. Good luck!</p>
<p>Alwaysinterested, I understand your feelings. We are parents and we continue to want to protect our children from hurt. I feel that way about my girls and their sexual orientation doesn’t really change that. I worry equally about boyfriends and girlfriends and I worry about living choices and career choices too. It’s hard when you know that they are growing up, making their own ventures into adulthood, and that some of those steps will be hard for them. </p>
<p>But things have changed a lot in a generation. There’s far more openness and less judgment than there was when we were our kids’ ages. My dd’s both commented that in their high school, at least for boys, being gay meant a huge jump in social status. (Not for girls, interestingly.) I understand that this is perhaps not a universal phenomenon but that it exists at all is telling.</p>
<p>I am a longish time cc member posting here under another name to protect my son’s privacy. I am also a liberal Democrat who supports gay marriage. My son came out to me the summer after his freshman year. Or, to put it more clearly, I asked him, kind of out of the blue, if he might be gay. When he said yes I was so shocked. I had suspected, a little bit, when he was young, but once middle school came around he began to present as a very hetero kid. I was shocked, and I was also sad.</p>
<p>I did, at the time, tell him that I loved him. But the months following were very difficult. I cried all the time. I woke up in the morning sad. I was uncomfortable around him, and I said things that upset him. Never directly shaming, but indicating clearly that I wasn’t happy about the news.</p>
<p>In my case it was all personal. I also have a daughter. I was very proud of myself for having given birth to a man child. I was invested in my handsome, smart, athletic son, and the wife he would have. That he would marry someone like his beautiful mom:). I wondered what I had done wrong. Was it because I loved him too much? Didn’t let him kiss me on the lips when he was 5? Also, I am divorced. I felt somehow as though I had lost my son to his father. I know that’s dumb, but I am telling you all this because many of us think we would be fine, and we would be in concept, but in reality it’s much more complicated.</p>
<p>It’s better now. He still hasn’t actually had a relationship with a man. That’s what I am waiting for, and I think once I see him happy and in love I will take the next step towards happiness for him. I would rather have him happy and gay then unhappy and straight. But, as he said to me, “You would rather have had a happy straight son.” And he’s right. That’s how I felt. Despite my politics and beliefs. But I am making progress. Me and the rest of the world luckily.</p>
<p>What has helped me most has been my brother and sisters, who are terribly supportive. And some other mothers who have had gay sons come out, particularly another woman who was surprised like me. He is still my beloved son, and I am doing what it takes to move myself towards the place where I will be happy that he is gay, because it means he is himself.</p>
<p>To any other parents going through this, let’s just make sure that the world continues to evolve. I want grandchildren. I want a happy child. I want his life to have the same chance for happiness that I thought it did when I thought he was straight. Actually, if everyone could help, that would be great.</p>
<p>" But, as he said to me, “You would rather have had a happy straight son.” "</p>
<p>I think that due to the prejudice and hate that many gay people will face, many parents – including gay parents – would rather that their kids be straight. If being gay didn’t mean that one would face more dangers and discrimination than straight people face, many parents wouldn’t have a preference about their kids sexual orientations.</p>
<p>I have lesbian friends who were upset when a young man whom they had known since he was a child came out to them. While they didn’t share their concerns with him, the women were very concerned about difficulties he’d face as a gay person in this prejudiced world.</p>
<p>I find it fascinating that several parents feel obligated to create new screen names to discuss their children’s sexual identity. To me it is just part of who my child is… like blue eyes. I am not ashamed of it, nor is it something to celebrate… it just IS. I doubt many of us are known to our home communities by our cc names (acknowledge that there may be a few), so I don’t see how this “protects your child’s privacy”.</p>
<p>once again, go ellen degenres!!</p>
<p>Well, it hasn’t been even a year since my son came out. He is only now telling people back home, although he’s fully open at school. So there’s HIS privacy to consider. As I said, he did not present as gay, so this will be a surprise to some of his straight male friends and he wants to take his time. AS for me, I have a public self, one in which this fact isn’t known, and for reasons I don’t want to discuss, the news would require conversations I don’t feel like having yet. And certainly don’t want to have them because someone discovered it on an Internet forum.</p>
<p>I agree with surprisedme. In many cases, the parents are being anonymous here because their kids are not fully out. The parents also may express feelings and concerns here that they would not want their offspring to know about.</p>
<p>Thank you to everyone here who has expressed support, understanding and compassion for my situation. Surprisedme, your situation if almost identical to mine. I try to get through the day without thinking about my son, because to do so dissolves me to tears. How foreign, to not think about someone who occupies such a huge part of your life/heart/dreams on purpose, and for that I feel ashamed. </p>
<p>My son left a day after revealing this to me, so I never really had the chance to ask him about relationships, etc. In fact, I had to depend on my daughter to tell me exactly what I said/did when he told me, because to be honest, I think I was in shock. Lucky for me, I did/said the right things. If he were home, I’m sure I would have the same response as you did, saying things that would make him angry, and I’m sure he would have picked up on my “suffering”, and no one needs to share that burden.</p>
<p>Neither I or my son have shared this with my husband. I just can’t do it, because he’ll react in one of two ways: anger, or like me, and I can’t bear the thought of seeing him hurting like I am. I’m just don’t think I can deal with my feelings and his at the same time. So I’m left to deal with this by myself. In this respect, the words of strangers on this site have been appreciated more than any of you may know.</p>
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<p>This brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful statement of parental love. I’m so glad that your son has you as his mother.</p>
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<p>Is there a local PFLAG chapter near you? If not, or if you’re not comfortable going, find a therapist who can support you. This can be a difficult journey and you should have help for when the load gets too heavy. You don’t have to do this alone. </p>
<p>This is not easy for, I think still, most families. I remind my son when he is talking about friends parents and their reactions that the person coming out has known they were gay for a long time but the family is just finding out (or just having it confirmed.) I do not defend any kind of violence or ugly words or anything like that but so long as the parent is trying to move forward, no matter how slowly, I applaud that. There is nothing wrong with saying to ones child something like, “I love you. I support you. But this is a big change from what I thought your future would be like and I need time to adjust.” </p>
<p>I’m just so convinced that this is the generation that is going to change the world on this issue. My son’s future remains just as bright and he has not only parents, but an extended family that believes that just as deeply and is willing to do the work to make it possible. It’s not just my son, in our family we are all out and proud and we are fighting for everyone’s rights. As a military family living in the south, we think it’s important to challenge the ugly sterotypes and we have a chance to do that. But there is a lot of work to be done and if it takes awhile to get ready to be “out” as a parent, that is okay too. I’ll save a place for you!</p>
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I believe that with my whole heart.</p>
<p>I also applaud both of you for not posting under your normal screen names. No matter what the issue, none of our kids want to see us discussing our vulnerabilities or doubts about them. This is a wonderful place to air your insecurities - as long as you are anonymous to other posters and your children don’t see themselves. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be cruising along this forum and notice that your parent was talking about you. Sometimes I read something that a parent has written - about any topic - and I hope their child doesn’t read CC or know that their parent posts.</p>
<p>pugmadkate and zoosermom- I also believe that this generation is going to change the world on this issue.</p>
<p>^^^And that is so exciting, and so overdue.</p>
<p>I first started reading this thread a few days ago and, honestly, got bored. Everybody was so fully accepting and understanding. I thought to myself, “Really? No one had any difficulty with this?”</p>
<p>Today I fast forwarded to the last page. Wow. I am now reading what I believe to be some real gut wrenching experiences. Thank-you for sharing surprisedme and Alwaysinterested. Your reactions were honest. </p>
<p>I have not yet, and I do not know if ever, been confronted w/ this situation. I know, or think I know, I would be completely accepting of the fact they were gay. But I don’t think it is as easy as that.</p>
<p>I agree with pmk, zmom, and tom1944, at least for some parts of the country. In many places, including around where I live, the world has already changed a great deal in terms of societal (and familial) acceptance of gay and lesbian kids, just in the last 10 or 15 years. It really doesn’t seem like such a huge deal anymore. Other places, I’m not so optimistic about; I think it’ll take many years.</p>
<p>But I admire our kids’ generation when it comes to this sort of thing, as much as you do.</p>
<p>And I think it’ll take more than this generation before parents are routinely accepting of their transgender children when they come out to them. That’s in a different order of magnitude. (Just to give one example, I have a friend whose mother was entirely accepting of her after she originally came out as a gay man, but refused to see or be seen with her for two years after she transitioned. That sort of thing is unfortunately common.) Maybe in 50 years, but not in my lifetime. All too many trans kids are still thrown out on the street, or, if not, are otherwise rejected.</p>
<p>PS to Morrismm: the reactions of surprisedme and alwaysinterested were indeed honest, and I thank them as well. But that doesn’t mean that those who wrote of their acceptance and understanding of their gay children were being dishonest. I certainly wasn’t.</p>
<p>DonnaL, I have only recently (last week or two) began to think, or realize, that you are a trans gender or transsexual. This may have been dealt on a previous thread, but I was not involved.</p>
<p>If this is the case, it would, in my opinion, absolutely skew your opinion.</p>
<p>I have had issues w/ my children that have clearly skewed my opinion.</p>