<p>hey dte~I also know of a family whose d shared that she was a lesbian, the mother reacted emotionally and angrily and insisted she go for “treatment” with a Christian therapist who could truly “help” her reform. the girl has developed all kinds of mental health issues, but is reportedly no longer gay. so sad. the father did not support the mother but was silent. the parents are now divorcing, hoping the father will provide the support his daughter needs and deserves…</p>
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<p>Yes. After all, we don’t ask our kids how they know they’re straight.</p>
<p>As for the Holland story, it applies only if you assumed all along that your child would necessarily be straight. If you thought that either straight or gay was a possibility when they were growing up, then having a gay child is not really a trip to a foreign land.</p>
<p>The Holland story may be valuable, however, for parents of Republicans. :)</p>
<p>God forbid if my child came out as a Democrat. The horror. I’d have to disown him then.</p>
<p>That’s sarcasm, should I need to point it out. Funny that most everyone on this thread is so accepting over a gay lifestyle, but some are super critical about their political choices. I think it is ill advised to be hyper partisan on either side of the aisle.</p>
<p>I’m hesitant to say that I would react the way I think I should react. I think it’s hard to predict whether your intellectually-based views will necessarily trump all those old culturally-programmed ideas.</p>
<p>Been there. Done that. We were the parents waiting for our son to come out and trying to provide easy, comfortable opportunities for the discussion, without putting him on the spot or treating him any differently than our straight kids… who we weren’t asking about sexual orientation. He finally told us early on in high school. He says it might have been better if we had just asked much earlier. It is difficult that some kids are expected to disclose orientation but for others it is just a given. No one is expected to declare to the world they are straight.</p>
<p>What about reactions of other family members? No one in our extended families had any doubts our son was gay by the time he came out. Most wanted to know from us if they should act surprised or as if they had known all along. They were very concerned about his feelings. One relative, however, thought this opened the door to debate gay rights at family reunions even after I warned her there could be absolutely no such debate in front of my child if she wanted to continue a relationship with me. I clearly told her to think whatever she wanted but keep her mouth shut if she cared about our feelings. She was careful not to say anything else in front of me, but made a point of continuing the discussion to my children. Since we felt our son needed his family to be an absolute safe place, and his siblings were even more offended than we were by the insult, we told that part of the family we could no longer have communication with them. They were shocked, but made the situation even worse by apologizing with a detailed account of their “love the sinner, hate the sin” point of view. If they ever decide they are no longer part of the “love the sinner, hate the sin” camp of Christians and are able to acknowledge that to my son, we can again have a relationship. If they had just had common courtesy, imho, this would never have been an issue.</p>
<p>I think it is not just parents, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc who have to deal with this issue. It might be useful to think about it beforehand. I wonder if I could have been more forceful and avoided the confrontation and upset.</p>
<p>I am very biased on my side of the aisle. Fourth generation. Grandma got arrested at 15 for union organizing. It would be hard to accept a Republican child for me. However, I would love and listen.</p>
<p>It’s not the same kind of issue at all because it’s not about his/her personal behavior but policies about how we treat others.</p>
<p>I’m not saying there aren’t Republicans of good will who are generous and loving, but call be brainwashed, it would give me pause.</p>
<p>Of course, I wouldn’t reject the child. A hug and kiss and simple “you’re crazy” would do.</p>
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<p>That’s exactly what I thought when I read the OP. Any crisis would be my own internal crisis wondering why I hadn’t seen it.</p>
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<p>Love your post alh.</p>
<p>Here’s a real life wrinkle: A friend of a friend had a son at a large OOS university; they had bought him a condo to live in while at school. The son’s “coming out” was accompanied by the confession that he wasn’t actually going to classes and that he and his boyfriend were sharing the condo. </p>
<p>The kid will probably always tell the story about how upset his parents were when he came out, when in reality, what made them go ballistic was the confession that he had stopped going to school but that he and his friend were living the high life on their nickel!</p>
<p>“I’m not saying there aren’t Republicans of good will who are generous and loving, but call be brainwashed, it would give me pause.”</p>
<p>You have got to be kidding me. Who is brainwashed? I’m not trying to turn this into a political forum, just making a point. When you make strong assumptions about how your child MUST be, whether it is in sexuality, religion, career, politics—and what their spouse must be, or it is some sort of deficiency (that you’ll try to love them for anyways), you are just setting you and your child up for a tough road ahead.</p>
<p>People need to venture out of their protected circles (whatever they may be) and meet others. You might be surprised how similar they are to you, and how much you may like them.</p>
<p>I found out my son was gay when he was a Soph at Cornell. He is now married to another Cornell grad. Eventually, they plan to have chilren. We are very accepting, and never even think about it. Gay marriage is a civil rights issue.</p>
<p>Hunt - I agree, which is why I would seek out PFLAG or a similar resource. I’m sure I’d be more awkward / nervous around meeting a special someone in those circumstances, just because it would be newer / unfamiliar ground and I’d be hesitant of saying / doing the wrong thing.</p>
<p>Busdriver - my S actually went to look for volunteer opps at the Republican party headquarters one town over. Part of it is just to bug me 
but I can handle the old-school fiscal conservatism that they allegedly stand for – as long as he remains socially liberal. The social conservatism is what I cannot abide and would find it hard to tolerate.</p>
<p>I said I was brainwashed, trying to acknowledge my narrow thinking. Read carefully and give me a break. And see the humor.</p>
<p>NSM: Sorry, my D has outgrown her infatuation with Ron Paul and I believe she is currently unaffiliated/independent.</p>
<p>Marian, I did ask my D how she knew she was straight. She said something like “I know”. I had no response.</p>
<p>2 stories: I have a friend who grew up in a very Italian Catholic family. Her family will not accept her as being a lesbian. When she was in college she was in a state of being ready to kill herself over this. She’d written the suicide note and everything and she was sitting there with the pills… Then, she just thought, well, “I can’t live with this the way it is, but why do I have to die over it?” She just cut ties with her family. It was really awful for her. Now, she has a very close family relationship with her partner and her partner’s family. Her mother sees her “secretly.” Very sad. But I thought that was just my generation and that kind of thing was over and done with.</p>
<p>as for the politics thing…I’ve never voted anything but democrat, but I was born in a commune and my mother thinks I am unbelievably conservative to the point where she refuses to discuss politics with H and me. Keep in mind, however, that my mother does not believe in marriage and thinks it is a horrible imposition by the, and I quote, “Patriarchy” to control women. Still, she loves me anyway, barbarian or not. ;)</p>
<p>That’s why my post ended with giving my kid a hug and a kiss. As for saying, “you’re crazy,” I’m sure that would be followed closely with , “You’re crazy too,” and another hug and a kiss.</p>
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Interesting comment by A.L. I don’t think its the parent’s place to bring it up, especially since one has no way of knowing where their kid’s head is at with that issue, if they are bisexual, ready to accept their sexuality, etc. I recall once having an interesting conversation with older s - when he mentioned that a female friend (not gf) was bisexual, but that her parents didn’t know. I remember during the course of the conversation saying something like “is she worried about how they will feel? That is sad. I would love you no matter what your sexuality” and he said something like “what? you think I’m gay?” </p>
<p>My friend whose son recently came out to her (he is in HS) is still not clear on his orientation (gay/bisexual) but she wasnt surprised. The desire to be the pink ninja turtle when he was 5 was a hint, according to her…</p>
<p>There’s a large family in my town where two of the sons are gay - one is currently in college, the other a sophomore in high school. Each has come out to their friends, most people in town know it, but not the parents. It’s like when you did drugs in high school - parents only see what they want to see when they want to see it. It’s really very sad for these two boys but at least they have support all around them, just not from their parents yet. (Could they really not know?)</p>
<p>On another note: Has anyone heard of LUG or GUG? Lesbian Until Graduation or Gay Until Graduation? Two or three friends just told me about it separately. Apparently there’s a large body of students who come out during college (often the girls are in an all or mostly girl college) but shortly after graduation and being in the “real world” they are straight exclusively. Guess it’s all experimentation but didn’t realize there was a term for it.</p>
<p>Re the political divide - my niece is with a staunch Republican but I keep reminding myself about that couple in Washington where he’s a Dem and she’s a Rep on the national level and they love each other and get along. (can’t remember their names now, he’s bald, I think her name starts with an M. He worked for Clinton, she for Bush) Old age, gotta love it!</p>
<p>Mary Matalin and James Carville</p>
<p>Thanks - got the “M” right!</p>
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<p>I really don’t want my kids to be sexually active in *high school *period - just too much for someone that young to handle, IMO. (You may disagree but I know that I personally made a couple of really really stupid decisions because of sex.) In high school it would not be “I don’t care who you sleep with” for kids of any orientation - it would be “I don’t want you sleeping with anyone.”</p>