Young teen comes out--sweet story

Parent Cafe
1

<p>This won’t appeal to everyone, but I loved it!
My favorite line is when 13-year-old Zach says, “Ma, I’m gay.”
His mom says, “Okay. What else?” </p>

<p>If the link won’t work, check the NY Times:</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/01/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/01RParenting.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5070&em&en=44fdf219ed399560&ex=1175572800[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/01/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/01RParenting.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5070&em&en=44fdf219ed399560&ex=1175572800&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

2

<p>Sweet story. I have two problems with it.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>The constant references to stereotypes makes me a little uncomfortable. Yes, stereotypes are often based on the truth, but I felt this article pushed a little too hard on the fact that Zach played with girls in elementary school, couldn’t play sports, but–happy ending–found theater. These stereotypes are often true, as in Zach’s case, but it’s not even close to being universal. I know well-dressed guys in theater with high speaking voices who are friends with mostly girls who are straight, and I know big guys who drink beer and watch football who are gay. There aren’t so few of these people as to be unheard of. I think it’s strange that the article brought up how Zach fit the stereotype so frequently without ever alluding to the alternative. This article, to me, was a little confused: it praised a changing society more accepting of gay people while at the same time reinforcing stereotypes.</p></li>
<li><p>I also think it’s strange that the article didn’t face the overwhelming problems that still exist. The statistics about gay teens’ safety in schools almost takes your breath away. The majority of homeless teenagers are GLBT. For many lucky kids, there are modern, supportive parents who literally go that extra mile to take their newly out eleven year olds to gay youth groups. But there are even more kids who are scared and hurt and beaten and screamed at and disparaged and denied and alone that this article never even mentions. What about those kids who aren’t from these ideal families and schools who can’t go around wearing rainbow buttons in middle school? What about the challenges male gay teenagers face at earlier and earlier ages as they come out at younger ages–problems like rampant drug use, unprotected sex, eating disorders, and deathly STDs? What about the kids who aren’t so lucky? Has everyone forgotten?</p></li>
</ol>

3

<p>One of S’s HS classmates( they are both college freshmen now) recently came out to his very religious, conservative Mormon family. He is a very mild-mannered, artistic, obedient to his parents boy. It took A LOT of guts and I am amazed and proud of him. His parents didn’t take it very well, but his siblings and friends are being supportive, so he is not in a bad place.</p>

4

<p>Always great to hear how folks “find their way” and get support from their loved ones for being themselves and finding themselves. His family sound pretty wonderful!</p>

5

<p>corranged,
I agree with you about the stereotypes. None of my kids are good at sports, my youngest plays three instruments and likes theatre, does that mean he’s gay? I liked the story and it’s outcome but I was put off with the reinforcement of the non-jock, sensitive boy = gay slant of the article.</p>

6

<p>I had the exact same impression when I read the article, as far as reinforcing stereotypes. Haven’t some male professional athletes come out?</p>

7

<p>Well, the particular kid they interviewed happens to fit the stereotype. The only choice the newspaper had would be to choose a different kid to feature in their article.</p>

8

<p>That’s what I felt, to; they wrote about the kid the story was about, not someone else. Which is why I think the story did not need to be analyzing suicide and STD rates–it’s easy to lose the particular kid in the statistics. I liked this story because it did not do that.</p>

9

<p>The fact that he was stereotypical may actually have made things easier for him with his family. They would not have been surprised that this was coming. His mom’s matter-of-fact acceptance seems to suggest that she had mentally processed the fact of his sexual orientation long before he did.</p>

<p>Parents of a less stereotypical kid might have been more startled and more likely to say something they would later regret.</p>

10

<p>Actually, I was more than a little uneasy with the stress on the stereotypes. It’s almost as if his parents decided he was gay because he fit the stereotype and pushed him into “accepting” it. It may be that some people are sure of their sexual orientation at 14, but I’m pretty sure there are many who really aren’t. I’d be concerned about a teenager “accepting” that they’re gay just because they fit the stereotype, and going forward with their life assuming that they are. I wouldn’t be all that surprised if this kid suddenly “realized” that he’s straight in ten years. (The reverse scenario happens often enough.) But I guess the important thing is that he’s happy and has a place in the world he’s comfortable with now.</p>

11

<p>d be concerned about a teenager “accepting” that they’re gay just because they fit the stereotype, and going forward with their life assuming that they are. I wouldn’t be all that surprised if this kid suddenly “realized” that he’s straight in ten years. (The reverse scenario happens often enough.)</p>

<p>I expect that the reverse situation happens, partly because we are a Puritanical nation, and the pressure to be mainstream is great. I also happen to think that “normal” sexuality is a spectrum, and we all fall somewhere along it in regard with who we are attracted to and who we fall in love with.
If we are closer to the heterosexual end, it may take having Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie making a pass at us to get us to even consider a relationship with someone of the same sex ( I guess I should say look alike- I don’t read People, so I have no idea of they are bi or whatever)</p>

<p>I also think some of us are aware of “sex” at a much younger age than 14. I remember having warm fuzzy dreams about a friend (boy) when I was in kindergarten. I also have known kids, who behaved stereotypically in 1st gd, who later
“came out”, ( I also know very “straight” kids who are gay)</p>

<p>For instance my daughter, ( very feminine- heavy on the pretty pink princess phases when younger OMG pink and purple & Popples and my little ponies- the whole nine yards) who had apparently said something to my H, when she was younger, that gave my H an indication of her sexual orientation, so that when she actually “came out” to us, when she was 17, he wasn’t surprised.</p>

<p>However, I would have gotten more out of interviewing a family who had to grapple with their knowledge and love of their child, and what their religion/upbringing taught them about people who “are different”.</p>

<p>To hear a family say, “so you’re gay, you have a problem?”, is great that he doesn’t have to fight with them about it, but it doesn’t really teach * me* anything.</p>

<p>A series for example could deal with this sort of family, who don’t need to “work” through anything, although talking about * any* sort of sexuality, with any degree of comfort would be unheard of in my birth family.</p>

<p>But also families dealing with much more complicated issues, like kids who are transgendered, straight kids of gay parents, and families who live in much more conservative- or hostile communities.</p>

12

<p>I no journalist, but I see an article like this as almost lying by omission, and that’s my problem with it. If people read this article and don’t read articles about the possibilities EK4 mentioned, they go away thinking that gay men act in a certain way, that it’s possible to guess a person’s sexual orientation from age four, and that in contemporary society being gay is easy and presents no problems. All of these are wrong. Zach’s experiences are not at all univresal, and I think that a good article should at least acknowledge all of the varying experiences.</p>

13

<p>Not a journalist either, but somehow I surmise that a writer of a column in the NYTimes can assume that the said column isn’t the only written or live encounter the reader has ever had concerning gay people. I guess it’s possible, but hightly unlikely. Thus, I don’t think the writer need assume the column will be the sole education the reader has on the subject.</p>

14

<p>

I found this part especially disturbing. A gay teen boy is a BOY. Not “Miss Congeniality”…how about “Mr. Congeniality”? :confused: A gay boy should not be confused with a transsexual or a transvestite. I simply do not understand this. </p>

<p>To me, this article would seem to be DISCOURAGEMENT for those struggling gay teen boys who want nothing more than to be accepted and viewed as being not all that “different.”</p>

<p>IMHO, there was an element of exhibitionism on the part of the adults who openly encouraged this sort of behavior. Not just acceptance, but an odd type of “pride” and encouragement. I’m glad that this family fully accepts their son and embraces him as he is, but I came away with the feeling that he was almost being exploited in some ways.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

15

<p>berurah, I think the adults at the Gay Bingo Night event couldn’t help but be reacting to their own, much less positive experience when they were gay teens. To some extent, they may have been focused on themselves rather than the boy who was the subject of the story.</p>

16

<p>My daughter was in a theater program with Zach, and he is a really nice kid, a good friend to all.</p>

17

<p>I also winced at the stereotype of the effeminate gay.</p>

<p>I don’t think that the parents “encouraged” him to come out gay–if you read the article closely, you learn that he was pretty miserable before he came out. It was a great relief to him.</p>

<p>Also, yes, gays can be aware of their sexuality at very young ages. Our neighbor boy, who finally came out to his parents at 20, said he had known for NINE YEARS that he was gay. That is when his father took him along to “guy” movies, and he found himself aroused by fantasies of the male star! Nevertheless, for nine years, during which he told us he was miserable, he pretended that girls were great, had dates, lied to his father.</p>

18

<p>

Speaking only for myself here, I was not using the term “encouragement” to refer to the boy’s parents behavior in terms of his sexual orientation, but rather the behavior of some of the adults, such as the counselor, with regard to encouraging him to take part in some behaviors that would seem to only lead to further alienation rather than enhanced understanding by his peers. I don’t think it is a typical part of a gay teen boy’s life that he is paraded around in a tiara and sash and given the title “Miss Congeniality.” At least I would hope not. For a boy seeking the understanding and respect of his straight peers, this would seem to be something that might work against that goal.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

19

<p>I agree with you berurah
That bothered me as well.</p>

<p>I realize that some men are definitely “flamers” and they can be entertaining, but in general teens aren’t comfortable with “over the top” behavior, even if it is coming from their peers, and adult men aren’t peers of a young teen.</p>

<p>My general impression- and this doesn’t have to do with this particular family, but from observing “gay” acceptance through the years, is that when you feel different from mainstream society,whether it be gay- born again- deaf, whatever, you strongly want to identify with a group for support, and the qualities that you share with the others in the group, might be exaggerated to emphasize that you belong.
Some people- may end up identifying with that part of themselves so closely, that it is “their lifes work”.
They become advocates- missionaries- drag kings…
Thats fine for them- but I don’t think the impression should be given that to other people- their difference is the most important thing about them.</p>

<p>I keep going back to teen horror of spectacle in general.
Neither one of my daughters for instance, even told me when “they became a woman”, in fear that I would say something at the dinner table, I imagine.
If I had made them parade around with a scarlet headpiece, they probably would have disowned me.</p>

20

<p>That part of the story did have a kind of Jon-Benet Ramsey feel to it, didn’t it? I guess a part of my unease is that I keep flashing back to the scene in “Heathers” where the dad yells out “I love my dead gay son!” (who actually wasn’t gay.) It will be a happier day when people aren’t identified by their sexual orientation any more than most Americans are by the particular country their ancestors came from - an interesting personal note but nothing more. (Continents, on the other hand, are another thing we need to work on.)</p>

<p>But that’s not true today, and in this situation the coming out process obviously made this kid happy, and took a lot of pressure of of him, and for that it’s a good thing.</p>