My younger son was just accepted to Ohio State which is my older son’s be-all, end-all dream school that he could not get into. My older son, who is a college sophomore, likes the college he is attending (though he would prefer one with more school spirit on campus) and has met his girlfriend and other wonderful friends, but I know when he finds out his brother was accepted to O-H, he will be devastated. As a parent, I want to be thrilled for my younger son, which I am, but I feel so terrible for my older son. The other thing is that my younger son would never have fallen in love with O-H if he didn’t go visit it with my older son a few summers ago. Has anyone else had to deal with this situation and feelings? If so, how did you do it?!? I’m so torn!!!
Happens all of the time with mine, i have so many, but none of them seem upset that a sibling got something they did not. For all the issues I’ve had with my kids, (and I’ve had some doozies), that was not one of them. The older ones also got things that the younger ones did not.
I guess watching the reactions and tempering yours to best support them is the best way to go.
Friends of ours were put in a tailspin when their younger daughter, a top student with a great academic profile failed to get into Brown, where her older brother was going with not close to the same package in terms of class rank, test scores, ECs. The young woman was very upset, as she assumed taht the sibling legacy would be enough of a tip to get her in, not to mention she was a stronger applicant by all measures that anyone could see. It was a tough situation, since having an unhappy child hurts so much.
I get it to a degree, but will he really be “devastated” that S2 got in? He would prefer that S2 be rejected?
I think you acknowledge his feelings while also expressing that you hope he will try to be happy for his brother, who had nothing to do with S1’s situation. Remind him that things generally work out the way they are supposed to.
He’s going to feel how he feels, and that’s okay, but it’s what he does with those feelings which can have an impact, imo.
It’s an awkward situation but your older son will get over it. Hopefully quickly. All of us have things we wish we could do-over and that might be one of his, but a healthy attitude is to work with what you have and make the most of it. He gave O-S his best shot, and it worked out differently. Please don’t seem less happy for your younger son! He will definitely notice and he deserves the same kudos his brother would have gotten.
I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Just be happy for your younger son and don’t act like you’d expect the older one to care–he is settled at HIS school, doing well, has friends/girlfriend. Expect that your older son will be happy for his brother–as he should be. He should celebrate his brother’s achievements/happy news–even if it is something he couldn’t get himself two years ago. This is just part of being an adult --or at least ACTING like one. (Multiple situations like this in my family.)
I just don’t see the problem here. Thousands of kids who aren’t the OP’s older son will be getting into Ohio State this year. The fact that one of them is the kid’s brother shouldn’t be particularly “devastating”, and I wouldn’t encourage a highly unattractive reaction like that for one minute. It’s nothing but jealousy and resentment, neither of which deserves empathy. The time to feel bad over the older son’s college responses is long past. Time to grow up and stop thinking about something that happened over two years ago! And if he wants a school with more spirit, he should put his energy into looking at potential transfers, not moping over Ohio State.
This is also a cautionary tale that no high school student should have a “be-all end-all dream school”. That sort of magical thinking should be discouraged by parents as strongly as possible. We adults all know that kids can be perfectly happy at many, many schools, and that the theoretically “perfect” place can easily turn out to be less than imagined. It’s important to convey those ideas to your high schooler.
My older one knew my younger one had better test scores and slightly better grades. So she knew D2 would likely have better results. I wouldn’t give your older one’s jealousy the time of day. But I would also tell your younger one to be careful not to run it in.
This is part of life and your older S will deal with it as best he can. YOUR reactions and lead is important. Treat both like it is happy and good news, like all your younger S’s other acceptances and move on. Don’t dwell on it or older S’s reaction to it and it will pass as it does.
I am a firm believer in the fact that your path is your path-if, for some reason, you don’t get in, then it wasn’t your path and that’s not where happiness lies. We don’t waste a lot of time on the “why did this happen”, we try and spend more time on the “ok, moving forward with our best foot here” stuff.
If I were in the OP’s position, I would have mentioned to the older kid that the younger kid is applying to the school he didn’t get into, but I would have included it in a conversation that included all the schools he was applying to and not made a big deal out of it.
In this case, you can wait until a few more acceptances come in and say younger bro got into schools x, y, and z. He’s going to z. By now it’s entirely likely that the older kid has gotten over the upset of not getting in (he sounds happy where he is), and if you don’t make a big deal out of it, he won’t either. And there will be no burdening the younger one with the guilt of making it where his brother didn’t.
You are over-reacting, OP. I would be very surprised if your son is “devastated.” Surely when younger son applied you all knew there was a chance (probably a good chance) of him getting in.
Your older will be very happy for his brother. You need to get over his “rejection,” or your older son will feel your disappointment for him much more than he feels it himself.
It is perfectly ok if your older S has mixed feelings. Pangs of disappointment might arise again, but that doesn’t discount his feelings of pride and joy at his brother’s admission. All feelings should be allowed to be expressed and validated. I’m sure younger S will be understanding and sensitive to this, as well.
I disagree. It’s not always a good idea to express everything you feel. Sometimes you have to weigh the wisdom of expressing a given feeling.
I would have a talk with your S1 to give him the news first. I would ask him to be gracious and be happy for his younger brother. It sounds like your older son is happy where he is now. He may not care any more, but if he should feel a bit of pain, give him a chance to get over it. No matter how your S1 feels, I would still celebrate with S2.
D1 was very upset when she didn’t get head of recruitment for her sorority, but she was thrilled when her younger sister was elected for the position for next year, because D1 is at a different place of her life now. D2 also got into the same college ED, while D1 was wait listed and eventually got off the WL. D1 was very proud of her younger sister.
Thanks Everyone. My older one still talks about wanting to go to Ohio State and I told him not too long ago that he should strive to transfer there or try for graduate school there. He would never react negatively to his brother’s achievements. His brother has had many accomplishments and he is always supportive. Maybe devastated wasn’t the accurate word, so I don’t want to make it sound like he’s going to start throwing things and having a tantrum. I am only concerned because he wanted to go to that university so badly.
@Nrdsb4 I will suppress expressing how I feel about your disagreement with my comment :((
The most important thing to focus on is your sons’ sibling relationship. Do whatever it takes to foster that. Commiserate with your older son if he really is upset–he may surprise you–but celebrate with your younger son. Shut down any gloating, jealousy or bitterness. Keep reminding them that they will have each other after you are gone and a college acceptance is not worth sabotaging a relationship.
Explain to OS that this stuff is random. Plenty of kids with great stats don’t get into schools that kids with lower stats do. The ad comms are putting together a class. Sometimes, an applicant just doesn’t supply the area the committee thinks is lacking, regardless of how brilliant he is, and sometimes a lower-ranked applicant will have just what they want.
And to posters who think this is no big deal, well, count yourself lucky. Lots of families get broken over stuff smaller than this, and plenty of families have generational rivalries. If you can stop one from happening while it’s in your control, then do it.
My younger relative had her oldest rejected from his dream U. She refused to allow her younger kids to apply to that U. (I’m not sure if they would have been accepted, but we never pre-emptively refused to allow our kids to apply to a U.) It was her family and her decision. She said that oldest had the best stats (he did), so that since he didn’t get in, she wouldn’t waste money on app fees having the younger ones apply.
We did let S choose the Us that he wanted to apply to, with the caveat that if they didn’t provide substantial merit awards he might have to forgo their acceptance. We also let D apply where she chose (regardless of what we thought her chances of acceptance were. It just felt right to us to let our kids have the consequences of their applications.
My D1 applied to a certain top private and really wanted that school, she did not get in. D2 had a better profile and a sports tip, still did not get in & the first call D2 made was to D1, it was a nice bonding moment. I think that had D2 gotten in, D1 would have had a few moments of sadness & “gee whiz, what should I have done better” but I really think the reaction depends on where your S1 is in life now. If your S1 is in the right place for him, then he will deal with it much better, if he is not feeling fulfilled in his current place, it will rub a bit of salt in the wound.
My D1 did not apply widely and ended up at her financial safety, it is a solid reputable public, but it was not the best place for her, this was really before CC had become the resource it now is and also because D1 was obstinate- she did not listen to my advice, she applied to places that were not a good fit, she got caught up in some prestige seeking in her senior class. It was not a good year & she is now (10-15 years later) grown up and wonderfully mature, but had D2 gotten into D1’s dream school at a point when D1 had not yet figured out her next moves, had not yet found herself, had not yet “pulled her head out”, yes, I can see that she would have had some negative reactions. Probably not so much toward D2 as toward herself.
I think it is easy, when you kid is doing well, to overlook the potential for this to cause a struggle for the OPs son. He may have a rough time with it for an hour/a day/a week. It’s ok to be aware of that without feeling like he is a special snowflake to be handled with kid gloves.
While it is better for the older S be allowed to express any negative feelings he may have, it should NEVER be in the presence of the younger S and limited to the OP or any willing older relative willing to serve as a venting “rock” for older S if needed.
If the OP/older relative does it right, this can serve as an additional learning opportunity for older S to work through his feelings so some sort of resolution occurs if he is still not over the issue already.
Careful here as completely shutting down expressions of such feelings and reminding them they’ll have each other can backfire spectacularly. Whether the parent likes it or not, this is one area where he/she needs to act as the mediator and/or venting “rock” for each of the children in such situations.
The former can cause them to do so behind your back or bottle up their feelings to the point they don’t deal with them constructively until they burst with negative consequences. Some friends and a few relatives are no longer on speaking terms with their siblings/cousins for this very reason…sometimes for decades.
The latter can also come across as nagging to siblings/relatives, especially when their relationship is already on the skids or worse, effectively nonexistent. Ultimately, while older relatives can and should encourage positive relationship building, forcing relationships to this extent can be counterproductive toward that end.
This is good news. Try not to overthink it.