<p>So a 97 year old woman goes to her attorney and says,
"I have two requests before I die. My first request is that I am cremated."</p>
<p>The attorney replies, "I can honor that request."</p>
<p>The old woman continues, "I would like my ashes to be spread over the roof of the local Wal-Mart."</p>
<p>The attorney is shocked and says, "But why Wal-Mart?"</p>
<p>"So that way I know my daughters will visit me twice a week!"</p>
<p>You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...</p>
<p>Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.</p>
<p>Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.</p>
<p>Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'</p>
<p>About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'</p>
<p>Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:</p>
<hr>
<p>Dear Mom,</p>
<p>I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.</p>
<p>Love,
Brian</p>
<hr>
<p>Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:</p>
<hr>
<p>Dear Son,</p>
<p>I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.</p>
<p>Love,
Mom</p>
<p>A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."</p>
<p>"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.</p>
<p>"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."</p>
<p>Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"</p>
<p>She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.</p>
<p>The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.</p>
<p>"Okay, honey" he says, "they're definitely coming for Thanksgiving ... and paying their own way."</p>
<p>Okay... so there's this couple whose kid struggled all thru grade school and high school, and now that he's a frosh in the local community college, he's on the verge of flunking out</p>
<p>They finally decide to take him in for some psychological testing</p>
<p>The psychologist calls them in and asks them to sit down .... "I have some very bad news for you", he says</p>
<p>"OH NO!" , Mom screams. "Is he ... A.D.D. ??"</p>
<p>"Uhhhh, No" , the psychologist says</p>
<p>"Is he ... A.D.H.D. ???" .... "Uhhhh, No"</p>
<p>"Is he .... O.C.D. ????" .... 'Uhhhh, No"</p>
<p>"Well, what is he, then?" , Mom asks</p>
<p>The psychologist says:</p>
<p>"Well, our testing has shown that he's D..U..M..B...."</p>
<p>...... <em>hee!</em>hee!* Follow up Joke =></p>
<p>The psychologist then says;</p>
<p>"That spells 'dumb' "</p>
<p>Dad says "We know <em>that</em> !!"</p>
<p>The psychologist then says:</p>
<p>" Oh, good ... I thought maybe it was congenital !! "</p>
<p>^^^ The dad should have then said, "Doctor, please, you don't have to get so personal!"</p>
<p>True story;</p>
<p>A friend of ours found it expedient to talk to the oldest of his two children (5th grade son, IIRC) about the facts of life.sex, and how babies are conceived. After some awkward clinical description of the act that leads to conception, a long moment of silence ensues, and the father can see the son is thinking about something. Finallly, the son looks at his father somewhat disbelievingly and says, "So......you're telling me that this has happened twice!"</p>
<p>The father composed himself and simply nodded and said "yes".</p>
<p>It's Sam's birthday. Mom gives him two nice dress shirts. Sam thanks her profusely. Then next morning, he comes downstairs wearing one of the shirts. Mom looks up and says, "So, you didn't like the other shirt?"</p>
<p>One of my favorite true stories. It happened about 35 years ago. </p>
<p>A woman I know who is very down to earth and open in dealing with bodily functions, sex, etc., was visiting New York. She went into the restroom in a large NYC department store and sat in the lounge to breast feed her baby. A little girl about 4 years old who was waiting on line to use the toilet came up and stared at her bare breast and her baby nursing. The little girl asked what the baby was doing. The woman explained that the baby was drinking. The little girl demanded to know WHAT the baby was drinking. The woman said milk. </p>
<p>The little girl rolled her eyes, put her hands on her hips and said "Yeah, sure. And you've got orange juice on the other side, right?"</p>
<p>An elderly couple appear in front of a divorce court judge.
He looks at them, and asks, "How long have you been married?"</p>
<p>"72 years," the couple replies.</p>
<p>"Why in the world would you get a divorce now?" </p>
<p>"We were waiting until our children were dead."</p>
<p>5 yr old son refuses to eat his dinner.</p>
<p>Mom to son: "Some day you'll be begging for me to cook."</p>
<p>Son, deadpan and without missing a beat: " yeah, for somebody else."</p>
<p>true story</p>
<p>A family moved into our neighborhood from South America, and the parents decided to have a birthday party for their little boy, Juan Pablo, and invite all the neighborhood kids who were around the same age. </p>
<p>I told my son that Juan Pablo had invited him to his birthday party. My S said, how old is he? I said, he's 6. My son thought for a moment, then asked me, "Then why isn't he Six Pablo?"</p>
<p>"Okay, honey" he says, "they're definitely coming for Thanksgiving ... and paying their own way."</p>
<p>Writing this down for later.
;)</p>
<p>Another true story. When friends of ours had a two-year-old daughter, they were having a usual busy morning, getting everyone ready for work, day care, etc. The dad went into the little girl's room to check on her progress. From down the hall, the mom heard him say, "I don't know. You should probably as Mommy."</p>
<p>The little girl came into the master bedroom as the mom was putting on her panty hose and said, "Mommy, I have two questions. What part of the baby starts out inside the daddy, and how does it get into the mommy?" The mom was thinking to herself, "Damn it all, [name of husband], couldn't you just handle this yourself?" but she did her best to give an age-appropriate answer that answered the question without giving too much information.</p>
<p>Later that morning, the dad called the mom at her office, and she let him have it. "How could you do that? How could you send [daughter] in to ask me that question at 7:30 in the morning?" He said, "What are you talking about?" and the mom recounted what had happened in the bedroom a few hours before.</p>
<p>The husband burst out laughing. "You know what she asked me? 'Should I wear pink socks or purple socks with this dress?'"</p>
<p>When our daughter had just started school, she came to me and asked where babies come from. I told her, in a clinical way but short and to the point. Then I asked her if she had any questions. She said, no, she'd already heard where babies came from, but she wanted to know if I would tell her the truth.</p>
<p>I pulled this one on my own mother back when I was a smart-aleck grade-schooler , circa 4th grade</p>
<p>You know how you always hated those 'platitudes' your parents spouted at you ?? Like .... "If every other kid jumped off a bridge, would you jump too ??" ... or, "Because I said so"</p>
<p>Well, I thought long and hard about this one, and sprang it on Mom at the exact right second</p>
<p>Some background: to this very day I hate ---I mean <em>h</em>a<em>t</em>e* --- vegetables .... in fact, the only green thing I'll eat is Green M&Ms</p>
<p>So one day when Mom served up some --yuck! -- green beans and I wouldn't touch them, she sez:</p>
<p>*"You know, you should eat those beans because there are millions of starving kids in China who would be happy to eat them" *</p>
<p>I say " Millions of starving kids in China, huh ?? "</p>
<p>She says " Yup "</p>
<p>I say " Name three of them ..... "</p>
<p>^ I used to say, "Then send it to them!"</p>
<p>Mom was not amused...</p>
<p>This mother calls her pre-menstrual daughter in to have "The Big Talk" about the birds and the bees</p>
<p>Mom says: "Daughter , I think it's time we finally talked about .... SEX !! "</p>
<p>The daughter says :</p>
<p>" Sure , mom .... waddaya wanna know ?? "</p>
<p>"Ethnic" parent to student child: "What you mean you are 'the 99 percent'? Why not 100 percent?"</p>
<p>Father to adult daughter--"I'm leaving your mother after 45 years and you can't talk me out of it--I'm miserable and not staying another day."
Daughter: "That might be a mistake, Dad; maybe you should go to counseling."
Dad: "No--I've had it. I can't stay here another day. I'm gone by the end of the month and you can't talk me out of it."
Daugher: "Dad--wait! Don't do anything until I get there. Promise me you won't. I'm coming to talk to you".
Daughter calls brother: "We've got to go see Mom and Dad and stop them from doing something crazy."
Brother--"OK, I'll call and tell them we're coming."</p>
<p>After the phone call--Dad to Wife: "Ok, the kids are coming to visit for Christmas and we don't even have to buy them tickets!"</p>
<p>Exchange at my house the other day:</p>
<p>Commercial for the movie War Horse is on TV. After WWI scenes, Dad says dramatically/sarcastically, "Ah, War! How Glorious! War is what turns a BOY into a MAN!"</p>
<p>9yo D (who just had the 4th grade "growth and development" class at school) "War? Really? I thought it was called "PUBERTY!"</p>